SexuallyConfidentWife.com Official Blog

Every week we receive multiple emails from either men struggling with pornography, or wives struggling with their husbands’ use of it. (I know many women struggle with using pornography as well, but we’ll save that for another blog). I agree with Dr. Phil, who insists that users of Internet porn are cheating on their partners, and that women shouldn’t have to put up with their partners’ pornography addiction.

This is obviously an issue we’ll explore deeply if given the opportunity to write The Sexually Savvy Husband, but I thought it would be great to pick your brains now! Answer any of these questions that apply to you:

* If you’re a man who currently uses pornography, can you help us understand what’s behind this addiction for you? What do you get out of looking at pornography? Is there any way your wife can help you break this addiction? Are there ways that she unknowingly fuels it?

* If you’re a wife whose husband is currently using pornography, tell us how it makes you feel — about yourself, about your husband, about the relationship you share.

* If you’re a man (or the wife of a man) who has overcome a pornography addiction, what advice do you have for other men and their wives? How has your life & marriage changed since pornography was banned from your sex life?

As always, let’s keep the conversation positive. We all know that there’s real hurt and deep pain going on in the lives of both husbands and wives as a result of pornography use, so let’s explore what’s really going on beneath this issue and learn how we can help others become sexually savvy husbands and sexually confident wives!

Appreciating your feedback,

Shannon

I’m flying out shortly to speak in Canada all weekend, but thought I’d leave this for your to chew on from my file of interesting tidbits… 

Think loving your husband is enought to exempt you from having an affair?  Not so says an article in Redbook. What really makes women vulnerable to unfaithfulness?  Here’s a few ways to predict if you’re at risk:

• You work — It provides opportunity simple because you spend 8 hours a day in close contact with men. And because women are still outnumbered by men in the workforce, they have more potential lovers.
• One of your parents cheated — There’s a greater tendency to repeat family patterns.
• You initiate sex with your husband — If you’re comfortable being the aggresor, then you won’t have a problem coming on to someone you’re interested in.
• Your friends are having affairs — Peer pressure!
• You live in a big city — Residents of small towns tend to frown on affairs. Most likely because everyone knows everyone.
• Your husband dominates you — An affair can be a declaration of independence.
• You’re better educated than your husband — Perhaps because you feel more powerful.
• You’re at a transition or crisis point — Maybe approaching your 30th birthday or whatever and you feel uncertain about the direction of your life.
• You’ve just moved to a new community.
• A parent has recently died — This may make you feel like doing things you know your mom or dad would have disapproved of.
• You and your husband spend a lot of time apart.
• You have a special friendship with a man.
• You’ve always been a “good girl.”
• Your husband criticizes your looks — Many of us, especially women, judge ourselves based on how we’re viewed by others. But husbands often forget to give compliments or worse,feel free to find fault.
• You’re content with your marriage — This might cause you to believe that since you have all the love and security at home, it’s okay then to have fun. You’ll see sex and love as two totally different things.

Some of these are scary, huh?  Just proves the point of almost every book I’ve ever written on female sexuality — we MUST be vigilant in GUARDING our hearts, Ladies!

Wishing you much faithfulness in your marriage,

Shannon

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been bombarded with emails from SCW readers bemoaning the fact that their HUSBANDS are the ones who have robbed them of their sexual confidence, through a variety of different ways such as pornography use, negative comments about her weight, too many paranoid questions about her past relationships, unrealistic expectations in the bedroom, etc. etc.  Then this week, I received this email from Jerry saying:

I caught just the tail end of your interview today on the radio. I wish my wife would have had your book to read 10 years ago. The intimacy has all but left our 22 yr marriage. I believe that we are both committed to one another so long as we both shall live, but this void in our relationship is very difficult for me to deal with. I have attempted to discuss it with her to no avail. I have offered counseling, suggested discussing with her physician, left books on her desk, begged, and bribed. I had to give up years ago or I was going to burn up with the anger, frustration, etc. If you get around to writing a book for men I will likely read it… From the little I heard, you are doing vital work for healthy marriages. Keep it up.

My heart breaks for Jerry and the thousands of couples in similar situations.  It seems like whether a couple has been married many years or just a few months, there’s often so much pain and disappointment in the sex lives of both husbands and wives.

SO… I’m thinking about writing a book to help men understand what a vital part THEY play in building their wives’ sexual confidence.  What do you think about:

THE SEXUALLY SAVVY HUSBAND:

Discovering the Secrets to Helping Your Wife Blossom in Bed

???????

Do you think it would be helpful to marriages?  Do you think men would read it?  Would you buy it for your husband so that he can understand what you REALLY need from him in the relationship in order to be a sexually confident wife?  What would you want YOUR husband to understand about you?

Eager to hear your feedback,

Shannon

While in Tempe, Arizona doing some interviews yesterday, I had a block of free time and went for a walk.  From my hotel, I strolled down the main avenue, then turned down a neighborhood road to get away from the traffic.  The houses were pretty non-descript, with desert landscape adorning most front yards.  I probably meandered a mile or so through the area when I came to a fork in the road.  I chose to walk on the street to the left, which only led to more boring houses, rock gardens, and cactus plants. 

After a few blocks, something inside urged me to turn around and take that right street at the fork.  When I did, the rocky, dry landscape ended within a couple of blocks, and I stumbled upon the most magnificent oasis!  A city park with lush green rolling hills and tall shade trees.  Once I climbed to the top of the embankment, I discovered yet another pleasant surprise — a 10 acre lake where several paddleboats awaited patrons, fathers and sons were fishing, joggers were circling on a concrete path, and hundreds of ducks waddled around in search of breadcrumbs tossed from picnic blankets.  It was like a glimpse of what Heaven will be like!

I couldn’t help but think about what a shame it would have been had I not listened to that inner voice saying, “Correct your course!  Go back!”  And I was reminded of that inner voice saying the same thing in the early years of our marriage when that “7 year itch” had set in and I went looking for love through numerous emotional affairs.  What I thought was going to be an extramarital oasis turned out to be a desert road that left me 100 times more parched and weary.  But thankfully, I realized that I could corrected my course.  I gave up my pursuit of superficial “intensity” and pursued genuine “intimacy” instead.  I stopped searching for the perfect lover and simply created the perfect love with my own husband.  And what did I find?  THAT’s where my oasis was to be discovered!!!  Now after 18 years of marriage, we’re happier than we’ve ever been, and I can’t imagine that there’s anyone better for me in this world than Mr. Gregory Ethridge!

Have you ever wandered down the rocky path of emotional fidelity?  If so, where did it take you?  How have you managed to correct your course, and have you discovered your marital oasis yet?  If so, we want to hear about your roadmap! 

If you’re still meandering down that desert road, I encourage you to check out the Every Woman’s Battle message board at www.shannonethridge.com where you can connect with other women on similar journeys and discover the secrets to correcting your course!

Wishing you the BEST marriage possible,

Shannon

In his book “The Truth About Cheating,” marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 husbands to discover the real reasons why they cheat on their wives.  Not surprisingly, 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they were unfaithful.

I toss this statistic out there as a vivid reminder – sexual needs aren’t all that we need to pay attention to when it comes to keeping our man happy.  We also need to be aware of his emotional needs.  Yep, men have them too!  For example, one of our friends lamented when I was writing The Sexually Confident Wife:

Why is it that women think they can be rude, demanding, and disrespectful to their husbands, then expect that everything should function normally in bed?  When my wife rides me all evening about how I don’t help out enough in the house or with the kids, or how I don’t bring home enough money for her to pay all the bills, or how I don’t pay her enough attention or meet her emotional needs, the last thing I want to do is cuddle up next to her and make love.

Think about it.  If a man treated a woman harshly during the day, would she be eager to let him touch her that night?  Not a chance.  This dynamic works both ways.  Sometimes a woman expects that her husband’s heart and penis should be made of steel, built to withstand the most disappointing and frustrating of relational dynamics.  But he’s no robot.  He’s a human being with feelings and emotions, and he needs to be somewhat affirmed in order to feel aroused.

So while it’s easy for women to whine, “You don’t meet my emotional needs!,” let’s press the pause button and ask ourselves, “When was the last time I focused on meeting HIS emotional needs?”

As I’m getting ready to fly out of town tomorrow, I’m going to go write Greg a sweet love note and tuck it under his pillow before I leave.  What are YOU going to do this weekend to refuel that lovin’ feeling in your husband’s heart?  Tell us so we can be even more inspired to keep the homefires burning!

Wishing you a warm heart toward your hubby,

Shannon

While flying home Friday, I was completely oblivious to the miracle God was performing…  

I had flown to New York City on Wednesday to do an interview on NBC’s TODAY Show (awesome experience, and Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb are even more beautiful in person!).  I returned to DFW Airport exhausted and ready to see my family.  While I was waiting at baggage claim, I turned on my cell phone, and had a text message from Skyla, a staff member.  It read:

SCW is #52 on Amazon.com — higher than 11 out of 16 of the New York Times Best-Sellers on the list!

I had to read it several times for it to sink in — this book had risen over 6,000% in the rankings in just the few hours between that Friday morning interview and me landing in Dallas!  Enough to put it at #2 on Amazon’s “Movers & Shaker’s” List!

While I was a mile high in the sky, passing the time reading a book and nibbling on pretzels, little did I know that God was working such a big miracle.  And the excitement continued — by the time we went to bed that night, the book had risen to #35 on Amazon.com, and #19 on Barnes & Noble.com!

Sure, we’re ecstatic over the idea that this one trip to New York will go a long way toward getting our kids through college, but my deepest desire would be that the miracle of increased book sales is just the tip of this iceburg.  I’m desperately praying that every wife (or husband) who ordered that book on Friday would receive a major MARRIAGE MIRACLE in the days to come as they read the book! 

It may sound like a bizzarre statement to say, “Many of the world’s problems would be solved if couples had more sex,” but think about this… a more sexually confident wife means a healthier, happier wife AND a happier, more satisfied husband.  Their stronger sex life means a stronger marriage… which makes for a stronger family… and stronger families make for a stronger society.  Don’t you agree? 

Heck, maybe this book will get me nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize!  HA!

Wishing every married couple in the world the BEST sex life possible,

Shannon

Following our “Boundaries in Friendships” blog a few days ago and all the great responses we’ve received, I thought you’d be interested in this little tidbit that my radio talk-show host friend, Gary, forwarded from his files of cool stuff to share on the air:

TEN THINGS MEN WILL SAY TO GET YOU IN BED

Ladies, don’t fall for these:

1. The Pity Ploy — Often used by the recently-split-up-with-girlfriend guy looking to score. He’ll cry about how devastated he is, swear he never wants to have sex again - and then stick his hand up your top.
2. The “It’s Late, Why Not Sleep Here?” Creep — A favorite of men who live far away, this consists of conning you into coming back to their place.
3. The “I’ve Got A Big One, Baby” Bull — This guy spreads rumors that he’s hung like a horse in order to get a date.
4. The Red-Hot Lover Ruse — He’ll make subtle comments like, “Sleeping with me will be the single most awesome sexual experience of your life, baby.” And he knows that if he keeps on chipping away you may end up sleeping with him, just to be sure you’re not missing out.
5. The Get-Her-Drunk-Skunk — Guys are taught this maneuver young. There are three main angles: (1) Coercing you into drinking alcohol when you usually drink something else; (2) Challenging you to match him, drink for drink; (3) Buying all the drinks.
6. The Doing-Your-Best-Friend Doozie — If a guy can’t get directly into your pants he’ll have sex with your best friend and hope it makes you jealous.
7. The “I Bought You Dinner” Winner — Yes, there’s still the odd man out there who thinks that just because he bought you dinner, you’re supposed to jump into the sack with him.
8. The “I-Can’t-Get-It-Up” Goodie — Guys say this in hopes of coercing a woman into taking it as a challenge to get this guy aroused.
9. The “Hey, I Forgot I’m Gay” Hoodwink — The aim here is to lull you into a false sense of security before leaping on you, claiming, “I don’t know what came over me.” This way, you’ll feel smug that even gay guys can’t keep their hands off you.
10. The “You’re Not My Type” Hype — This is the most cunning scam of all, employing those old favorites - reverse psychology and feminine pride. Every woman loves a challenge, and if he tells you you’re not his type enough times, you’ll be dying to show him how wrong he is.

Yes, even married women can get some of these slime-lines tossed in their direction on occasion, especially from inappropriate male co-workers, so be on your guard ladies!

Have any guys ever tried using these or similar lines on you? If so, give us some tips for how you responded (or wish you’d responded in hindsight). Let’s sharpen one another with words of wisdom and accountability rather than stabbing each other with judgment. We’ve got a lot to learn from one another!

Instead of searching in vain for the “perfect lover,” let’s create the “perfect love” (with our husbands)!

Keep those home fires burning,

Shannon

With the national release of The Sexually Confident Wife this week, we’re in full swing with radio and television interviews, for both the mainstream and Christian market. In fact, be sure to tune into The Today Show (NBC) next Friday, October 3^rd during the 10 a.m. (eastern time) hour!

All interviews have gone incredibly well so far, and both male and female interviewers are enthusiastically supporting this much-needed message. However, I was flabbergasted at the direction that one interviewer went in (a radio talk show pastor who shall remain nameless). Just to hit the highlights, he said things like:

• “But isn’t sex part of our sinful ‘animal’ nature?” I expressed my disagreement, explaining that God created man (and woman!) as sexual beings BEFORE the fall of man. There’s nothing sinful about married sex. God gave Adam and Eve the command to “be fruitful and multiply,” which means “have sex and make babies.” His rebuttal was, “But Adam and Eve weren’t able to fulfill that command until AFTER the fall.” As if God commanded mankind to do something that we’d have to SIN in order to accomplish??!! Therefore no child is ever born out of LOVE, only out of SIN? I don’t think so! But that’s not all. Keep reading…
• “Oral sex is part of our ‘animal nature!” Excuse me, but I can’t think of a single animal on the planet that has oral sex. Can you? I explained that long before personal lubricants were invented, God gave us the gift of saliva, and the Song of Solomon is VERY “oral” in nature (i.e. ”I delight to sit in my lover’s shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste… Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”) His response was that Solomon’s demise was his sexual relationships with his multiple wives. So we should just disregard that book of the Bible? I refuse to do that! Besides, it was Solomon’s worship of the false gods of his foreign wives that led to his demise, not his marital sex life.
• “When a woman gives her husband sex it only makes him want more and more, so she’s going to feel put upon and he’s going to have to look elsewhere… it’s best for a woman to not awaken that ‘animal nature’ in her husband.” HELLO??!! So a wife should just withhold all sex from her husband and expect him to be asexual (completely celebate with no sexual thoughts, longings, etc.)? Once again, I declared that I strongly disagree, indicating that this would be a recipe for a major marital disaster. I replied, “My husband and many other men in this world receive sexual pleasure from their wives several times a week, and they are perfectly satisfied. They DON’T go looking elsewhere, NOR do all their wives feel “put upon” because she gets plenty of pleasure out of it too!

UGH! Does any of this make your blood boil like it does mine? I feel like I need to step outside for a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke.

I don’t know if you hold any religious beliefs or not, but if you do, please know that God does NOT turn His back in disdain every time a husband and wife make love. He doesn’t blush, or roll His eyes, or complain, “Oh gee, they’re doing THAT again?” On the contrary, God’s desire is for married couples to frequently unwrap the gift He has given us in one another and freely enjoy intimate pleasures, without one ounce of guilt or shame.

‘Nuff said. I’ll get off my soapbox now so my blood pressure doesn’t send me into heart attack mode.

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

One of the most common questions I receive from married women is, “Can I be ‘friends’ with a married man?” Talk about a loaded question! First, it all depends on who the married man is. If he’s the extremely flirtatious type… or someone you dated or slept with in the past… or someone who tries to cry on your shoulder about how unhappy he is in his marriage… then the answer is “NO!” I don’t recommend being friends with him. The best situation is for you (and your husband) to be friends with an appropriate man AND his wife. And both spouses need to know about and feel comfortable with every nuance of the friendship. Where there are no secrets, there are no lies, and no grounds for suspicion or jealousy.

Another thing to consider is, “What’s your definition of ‘friendship’?” I have several men in my life whom I consider friends, but they’re not like my girlfriends. I don’t call them up on the phone (unless it’s family business, and then I stick to business!). I don’t go out to dinner or hang out with them (unless our spouses go with us). I don’t go out of my way to run into them. When I see them, there’s always smiles and warm greetings and questions about how our families are doing and stuff like that, but nothing deep or intimate. My husband is the only man I need to have deep, intimate conversations with.

Rabbi Shmuley recommends the following boundaries, which I agree with for the most part, but keep reading for my personal warning below:

• You can’t go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages.
• You can’t take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it’s for work. You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets.
• You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no.
• You should not be friends with ex-lovers.

I’d also add that if sex, love, and romance has been a big stumbling block for you (or for him) in the past, or if your own marriage feels a little shaky these days, you might want to forego the aforementioned lunches together as an added protective measure. Why pray, “Lord, save me from the lions!!?” while sticking your head directly into the lions mouth? Any personal time alone out of eyesight and earshot of others creates a “lion’s den” atmosphere in any relationship.

Also be aware that being in one another’s presence isn’t even a prerequisite for having an affair. Emotional affairs are easily had via cell phones and internet connections, so also pay close attention not just to what you do, but also to what you say in your telephone conversations, text messages, and emails. A good rule of thumb for all women is, “If you wouldn’t say it in front of your husband or pastor, don’t say it at all!”

What about you? If you’ve ever stumbled into an inappropriate relational entanglement through a seemingly “innocent friendship,” we want to hear from you! What were the warning signs you should have heeded? How can we guard ourselves against falling into the lion’s den of extramarital temptation?

Oh, and if personal boundaries is an issue for you, be sure to read Chapter 6, “Harnessing Your Sexual Power,” in The Sexually Confident Wife — which RELEASES TOMORROW!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

Sorry I haven’t blogged over the past week, but last Friday morning I was awakened to the shocking news of my dear friend Ruth’s sudden death, and life spun a little out of control over the days that followed. She was 47, and leaves behind her husband, Kevin, and six beautiful children ranging in ages from 11 to 21. Ruth developed a blood clot in her lungs 5 days after gall bladder surgery. Her family is here with us now, and Kevin gave his blessing for me to blog today about my “sexually confident friend.”

I met Ruth in 1993 when I was a 25 year-old youth pastor and mother of a one-year old. I was in awe of how highly her husband spoke of her, and how she took such loving care of her houseful of children, not to mention how hospitable she was to the teenagers at their church who often dropped in unannounced. She taught me how to overcome much of my pre-company perfectionism and just go with the flow. She taught me how to lift weights properly and make beautiful quilts. But probably the most valuable thing she taught me was how to be a sexually confident wife.

Hopefully, every woman has someone in her life that she can talk openly with about sexual issues. Ruth was that person for me. It’s odd to think that long before I started talking to the whole world about sex, I talked to Ruth, and now she’s gone.

When I was dressing to impress other men, Ruth spoke the truth in love. When I longed to hit the eject button on my marriage and go looking for the perfect lover, Ruth inspired me to create the perfect love — with the man I already had. She’d tell me how she and Kevin could be fussing and fighting all day, but completely put the argument aside when they went to bed. “We can fight tomorrow, but we’re having sex tonight!” was her attitude. Sex wasn’t something she withheld as punishment for bad behavior, or granted as a reward for good behavior. It was her way of connecting intimately with her husband, and she wasn’t going to let petty things cause either of them to miss out on that connection.

In fact, Ruth and Kevin were the first to invite me to speak to their church’s teenagers about abstinence until marriage in 1995. She was also one of the only friends to which I nervously entrusted my first manuscript for critique in 2000. And as they say, the rest is history. With each weekend conference I’ve led and each book released, she’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders.

In honor of my sexually confident friend, I’d like to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone in three ways:

* First, put aside whatever issue is bothering you about your husband today, and connect sexually with him tonight. It would make Ruth proud to know that her memory inspired such intimacy.

* Next, if you don’t have such a trusted confidante who can be a positive influence in your life and marriage, find one. Find a female mentor who will show you by example how to love well, as Ruth showed me.

* Finally, find a younger woman, and model for her what it looks like to be a sexually confident wife. We’re all on this journey called “life” together, and we all need someone to lead us, as well as someone else to lead.

Thank you, Ruth, for loving us all so well and teaching me how to be a Sexually Confident Wife!

Forever grateful for our sweet friendship,

Shannon