Has your husband ever grabbed another woman’s butt? Mine has, very recently in fact…

I must confess that I’m also guilty, however.  A few years ago in a quiet little store in Nashville, I continued to browse around while Josh stood in line at the register.  There was only one person in line ahead of him.  After a few minutes I joined him, absently gazing out through the front doors and windows at people passing by.  We stood quietly for a moment, and then as I often do, gently reached over and began to rub his back…up…down…up…down, a little butt grab and pat for good measure…up…  Then suddenly I notice in my peripheral vision (I was still gazing out the windows) his head turn very slowly to look at me, and then a loud amused grunt/snort, inches from my ear.  I froze.  Wait a sec, my husband doesn’t grunt/snort… I turned my head slowly to meet his gaze, my eyes widening in horror.  The man is at LEAST a hundred years old!  I glanced around frantically looking for Josh but saw him nowhere.  Backing away, fourteen shades of red, apologizing profusely, I stumbled over myself and bolted out the door.  I wanted to die.  I had just totally molested a man who was old enough to be my grandfather!  Not to mention that he was wearing boots, a western-looking shirt, and wranglers!  How the heck had I confused him with my husband?!

We all got a great laugh out of it for days and days.  My mother-in-law joked that it was probably the thrill of the old man’s life, no reason to be concerned.

But here’s the thing:  This girl, this woman that Josh recently fondled, she is not a hundred years old and wrangler-clad.  She’s young and tall and beautiful with long dark hair, very stylish, a professional currently wrapping up her master’s degree, passionately in love with Jesus, and yes people, yes…she has a fantastic backside.

A little different than my experience, wouldn’t ya say?

It was an honest mistake on his part, thinking it was me.  He apologized, I apologized, we apologized, and she just laughed it off making us all feel better.  I mostly felt bad for him because he was so completely mortified. (He embarrasses really easily.)

I could have gotten upset and insecure, made a big deal out of it, made us both feel awkward.  But I didn’t.  Not in the least.  For one, I know my husband and trust him completely.  But also, I’m happy in my own skin.  Am I thrilled with every single aspect of my body?  Oh c’mon!  Is any woman?  No.  But I am confident.  I choose to be.  I think feminine curves are breathtaking.  I celebrate them.  And because of that, his accidentally groping her lovely curves didn’t make me feel threatened.

If anything…I just took it as a compliment. 

Ladies, have you ever had a moment like this where your sexual confidence was put to the test?  Did you pass?  Did your confidence soar, or perhaps you failed miserably?  (Oh I’ve had lots of those moments, too.)  How do you think you would have reacted in this situation?

To help you understand what brought us to this place, let me backtrack for a moment…

Recently Josh and I have been engrossed in an ongoing discussion about giving, particularly in regard to tithe.  We’ve been talking about what it really means, challenging each other with why we do it, how we do it, and in what ways we can do it better.  I’ve realized it’s really easy for me to get caught up in percentages, whether true tithe is gross or net, the difference in tithe and offering, etc.  If I’m honest, the legalistic view.

We had shared our thoughts over dinner with dear friends, Steven and Christine.  After listening intently for several minutes, Steven ran his hands thru his hair and sighed.  He looked at the ceiling thoughtfully, “You know, I think all Jesus is really concerned about is that we give.  I don’t think it matters nearly as much how or where, just that we DO.  Just give.”

Wow, I thought.  That’s simple and freeing in unspeakable ways.

As we gathered up our things to leave, Steven ladled some of the delicious homemade stew we’d just devoured at dinner into a large container, telling me it would be even better tomorrow.  Still hot from the stove I tucked it under my arm as we headed out into the cold night air, pondering how grateful I as for covenant friends who challenge me, and how nice it was not to have to think about what to make for lunch the next day.

Our drive back across town was quiet .  It was late, Josh was tired, and my mind was reanalyzing our latest ‘giving’ discussion.  As we exited off the freeway and slowed at the light, I immediately saw him in the darkness.  To the left, begging, a haggard looking older man in a wheelchair.  He had one leg.  “I bet he’s a vet,” I wondered aloud.  (I read an article a few years ago claiming that nearly half of Dallas’ homeless are Vietnam veterans.  It had alarmed me, broken my heart.)

The light turned green, but as we pulled forward my heart surged, “Please turn around.  I want to give him something.  Please.”

Josh hesitated, not knowing quite what to say.  It’s no secret that we disagree on the whole homeless issue.  We go back and forth, sometimes on the same page, sometimes not.  I see his point, he sees mine.  We both want to give when we see a need, but how to do that effectively and with some inkling of wisdom is always in question.

“Terrica, I just…ugh!” he whipped the car around.

I knew he felt guilty for not wanting to stop.  I felt guilty for asking him to, knowing he’d feel this way, making him feel this way.  It’s a perpetual cycle with us.  Neither of us know what to do about it.

The only cash either of us had was the remainder of our grocery money, for the month.  It was a large bill.  I held it in my hand, debating in my head and heart whether this was wise or not.

I’m admittedly moved by emotion, by impulse and feeling.  I go with my heart.  Josh doesn’t.  He’s more calculated, reasoning decisions out in his head.  I think it’s a good balance.  I knew he was going to object, rightly so, to me giving the last of our grocery money to a bum on the street.  I felt completely torn.  Go with my heart?  Submit to my husband’s wisdom?  Is there even a right answer to this?  Yes.  Submit to my husband.  He’s my authority.  He answers to God on behalf of both of us.  What I have to do to honor the Lord in this situation, is honor my husband.

“It’s okay,” I finally breathe.  “We really don’t have to go back.  It was an emotional decision.  We can go home.  I won’t get upset with you, I promise.”

“No, Terrica.  It’s fine.  I’m just never comfortable handing cash out the window to some random homeless guy on the street in the middle of the night!”

“I know, I know…I wish I had an apple or someth—the stew!”  I suddenly remembered the stew wedged between our seats in the dark of the car.  “Let’s give him the stew!  It’s still hot!  Can we give him the stew?!”

Josh laughed at my enthusiasm, “Okay—we can do that.  I feel better about that.”  He was still driving in circles trying to figure out how to get back to the intersection.  I dug through the glove compartment hoping to find a plastic spoon.  I found a fork.  Hmm…that’ll have to do.

As we neared the light it turned red.  Perfect. I saw him, his back to us, but when I rolled down my window he instinctively jerked his chair around and frantically began struggling our direction.  He won’t get here before the light turns… “I’m getting out.”

“What!?”

“Two seconds!”  I jerked my door open and jogged towards him, squatting down in front of his chair.  One leg, tattered clothes, clearly unshaven for many months, his eyes were desperate.  As I handed him the stew he clutched it to his chest like treasure.  His tongue hung permanently from his mouth, even as he mumbled a soft, sincere “Thank you.”  I apologized that I didn’t have a spoon.  Seconds were ticking like years, our eyes locked, but I couldn’t walk away yet.  I remembered what a friend had said recently of her work with the homeless, that it often touches them if you simply ask their name.

“What’s your name, sir?”  His eyes softened, hopeful almost.  Tension seemed to subtly leave his body.  He gurgled slowly over his tongue, “Tim.”

“Tim?” I repeated for clarify.  He nodded.  “Well, Tim.  It’s nice to meet you.  Bless you.”

He didn’t respond.  I don’t think he knew how.  Our eyes remained locked.  “I want you to know that we’re going to be praying for you, my husband and I.  We’re going to pray for you.”  I didn’t ask.  I simply stated it plainly, because it was the truth.

He stared at me for another moment, then gurgled again, “Thank you.”  I smiled one last time before jogging back to the car just as the light changed.

Josh didn’t say anything.  Neither did I.  I fought back a torrent of tears, not sure what all I was feeling.  After several minutes of staring at the floorboard I said out loud, though mostly to myself, “He was precious.  Like a child.  So gentle and kind, you could tell.”  I paused for a moment, trying to articulate my next thought.  “And you know what else?  That was more difficult and moving than any check I’ve ever written to a church.”  We sat silently letting the statement sink in.

At home a few minutes later I busied myself with an ongoing decorating project in our bedroom, trying to shake the emotion of stepping briefly into Tim’s world.  I was too wound up for bed just yet.  I prayed silently for Tim, asking God for help to even know how to pray.  I was standing on the stepladder when Josh appeared beneath me from the kitchen, eyes full of tears.  “Terrica, I know I don’t say it often, but I want you to know how much I love your heart.”  All of the insecurity I was still feeling from asking him to turn the car around, melted.  I reached for him, tears filling my own eyes.  He continued, “I never tell you this, but I’m so thankful for a wife who cares about those things instead of Jimmy Choo’s or Gucci bags.”  His voice was shaky.  “I’m so grateful.  I want you to know that.  Even though sometimes I make a big deal out of it, in the end, I’m always thankful when we turn the car around.”

I stepped down and into his arms, and we just stood there in the moment letting all of our gratitude and fears and unresolved theologies just hang in the air around us.  My heart surged again, but this time for my husband, “Thank you for saying that.  I’m so thankful for a husband who appreciates that about me, and tells me so.  Sometimes I just feel like a silly, emotionally-driven girl.”

He laughed, burying his face in my hair, “Well you are, but there’s nothing wrong with that!  Sometimes I’m a just selfish, emotion-less guy.”

I giggled, “Yep, so true.  You need me don’t you?” I teased dramatically.  “You’d be lost without me!”

He looked at me seriously, “Actually, in a lot of ways I would.”

Authentic intimacy in the bedroom begins with vulnerability outside, in the day-to-day moments.  Those moments include celebrating our differences as men and women, husbands and wives, learning to appreciate how God made us so uniquely male and female.  If you want to inspire rather than require your husband’s affection, affirm the unique characteristics that make him who he is.  Most of the time it’s as simple as articulating what we’re thinking or feeling, just as Josh did.  Otherwise, I would have continued to feel a little judged rather than celebrated.  Those two minutes of him vulnerably sharing his heart with me certainly inspired my affection…but we won’t go into those details

We were recently introduced to these ‘mouse pads for the soul’ designed to help men and women resist temptation and remain sexually pure as they use computers and surf the net, and had to share!  Aren’t they great?  We love them!

What tips and tricks do you use to avoid temptation??  Please share!

A few years ago Josh and I were strolling thru the mall hand-in-hand when a little elderly man shuffled towards us, cane in hand.  I was concerned for a moment that he didn’t see us and began to ease out of his way, until he reached out a hand and warm smile to stop us, “Excuse me there, young man!”

We slowed.  “Yes, sir?” my good mannered, southern boy responded.

“You two married?” The bluntness of his question shocked us both momentarily.  I got the distinct impression we had a “talkin’ to” coming our way.  I glanced around nervously, racking my brain.  What in the world did we DO?

“Um…yes, sir?” Josh offered, more a question than an answer.

The old man stared silently for a moment at our still intertwined hands, then smiled up at us, eyes twinkling, “My wife, she was my best friend in the whole world.  I loved her all my life.  Gracious, I still love her.”  He chuckled quietly to himself.

He had our attention, but neither of knew where he was going or whether to respond.

“She was beautiful, really, my best friend.  I miss her every day.”  He paused, staring at the floor.

I resisted reaching for him, this complete stranger, wrapping him in my arms like a beloved grandfather I’d known all my life.

He looked up suddenly serious, shuffling closer, pointing emphatically as he spoke, “Now you listen to me, you hear.  Do you know, I held my wife’s hand every day.  That’s what you do, you hold hands.  You have to touch.  That’s how you love.  If you want to be in love all your life, don’t ever stop holdin’ hands.” He slouched back slightly, eyes twinkling, beaming as if he’d just entrusted us with the secret to life.

I grinned slowly ear to ear.  I had just fallen in love with the old man.  I was tempted to drag him to the nearest bench begging to hear his life story.

“Thank you,” I whispered with absolute sincerity, awestruck by his simple, violent wisdom.

With a knowing smile, he patted Josh firmly on the shoulder and shuffled away.

We turned to watch him.  “Wow,” Josh breathed, breaking his silence.

“Yeah,” I responded, shaking my head in disbelief, “what a treasure.”

“What?” he asked.  “The old man or what he said?”

I turned to him, squeezing his hand, “Both.  Absolutely both.”

Holding hands may seem an insignificant ‘secret’, but don’t underestimate the power of such a simple, profoundly intimate act.  When you take your spouses’ hand you’re communicating, “I’m with you.  We’re in this together.  I want to be here.”

It’s a simple practice in safeguarding your marriage as well, as you’re communicating to the rest of the world, “I’m with him.”  (Don’t even try, suckers!)

And if you’ve read The Sexually Confident Wife you’re also familiar with the power of oxytocin in regard to touch, so don’t be surprised if a little hand holding turns in to a whole lot more!

Do you and your husband or wife hold hands frequently?  If not, would you consider a 7-day hand holding challenge?

I want to introduce you to Terrica Smith (pictured here with her husband of 8 years-Josh), our new staff writer at Shannon Ethridge Ministries!

Terrica has served as my Events Manager for quite some time, although she originally came on board as my research assistant for the Sexually Confident Wife in the Spring of 2007. Having served in such capacities and traveled with me extensively the last few years, there’s no one I’d trust more to lend a slightly different, yet equally enthusiastic voice to my blog. She’s funny, down-to-earth, and her passion for life and marriage will no doubt inspire you! Lots to come from her in the weeks and months ahead, so keep an eye out! I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Shannon

P.S. We’ll also be showcasing a few of our current B.L.A.S.T. participants in the coming weeks, so look for them as well. To learn more about the B.L.A.S.T. program (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers & Teachers) go to www.shannonethridge.com/blast

1. Leave a sexy love note in his underwear drawer. When he finds it the next morning, he’ll get a kick (or a rise) out of it.
2. Use a heart-shaped cookie cutter to make a light imprint on a slice of bread before you put it in the toaster. It comes out Valentine toast! Maybe even fill in the heart with red strawberry or raspberry jam!
3. Change the banner on his cell phone to say “Your Wife Loves You!” or “Gee, You’re Sexy!”
4. Rather than complaining about something he didn’t do, notice when he does something without asking and THANK him for it with a big hug and kiss. Everyone loves to feel appreciated.
5. Get a box of Red Hots and make a trail from the front door to the master bedroom for when he comes home from work. No doubt his curiosity will prevent him from getting sidetracked with mail and phone messages until AFTER he discovers his red hot wife at the end of that trail!
6. Look up what sporting events will air between now & Feb. 14th and record one on your DVR. Then on Valentine’s Day, tell him to relax with some snacks and watch the game while you relax in a bubble bath and give yourself a personal spa treatment. Who knows what will happen when you’re both done?!!
7. Plant a piece of his favorite candy on the passenger’s seat of his car with a note that reads, “Thanks for being so sweet!”
8. Use your lipstick or eyeliner to draw an arrow from any body part to any other body part, with instructions to your hubby that read, “Kiss me here!”
9. Create a coupon book of romantic dates and/or sexual activities, redeemable any time he’s ready. Make the last coupon “fill in the blank” style, so he can name his pleasure.
10. I’ll let YOU fill in the blank on #10 – join our blog at www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/blog and post YOUR great ways to say “I love you” to your Valentine!

Isn’t marriage GREAT!!!??? Thank you, God, for such an incredible blessing, and for freedom to enjoy each another so completely!

Wishing you lots of heart-racing romance and shameless sex in your marriage,
-Shannon

But I’m so thankful that I have such rich, rewarding work to keep me occupied as my baby birds begin leaving the nest.  I’ve spent the past several hours watching videos from last month’s BLAST meeting & reflecting on how blessed I am to get to witness so many participants BLOSSOM!  We’re currently reading a book together called “Bird-by-Bird” by Anne Lamott, and she’s really inspiring me to look beyond what you THINK people are like, and consider what really lies beneath the surface.

For example, on the flight here last Friday, a man sat next to me that I initially feared would slit my throat.  He was an unshaven Asian man with a black leather jacket and stocking cap, who looked like he just stepped off a Hollywood set as the bad guy in a Jackie Chan movie.  I was famished by the time the stewardess passed out peanuts and pretzels, but somehow as soon as she got to me she had run completely out!  A steward was servicing the rows behind me, and when he got to my chair, he’d run out too!  I thought I’d have to starve throughout the 4-hour flight, or drink my weight in orange juice to survive.  Suddenly the Asian man realized what had happened, and he held out his two snack bags and kindly said, “Would you like mine?”  I was humbled.  Then he reached into his jacket pocket, and I wondered if he was about to pull out a plastic box cutter or an underwear bomb detonator device.  Instead, he brought out a small sketch pad and a charcoal pencil.  He was working on a tiger lily.  My favorite flower.  And I sat there contemplating how terribly wrong my first impression was… and what an interesting character he would make in a fiction novel.

After de-boarding I walked into the airport restroom where I encountered a stunning woman, impeccably dressed, acrylic nails clutched around her suitcase handle.  She radiated the kind of class that would give you the confidence to leave your newborn baby in her care while you tend to your bathroom business.  But then she went from stall to stall, opening door after door, and soon began ranting about how “There are NO PURSE HOOKS in this *#*%* airport, and with the kind of money I pay to fly I shouldn’t have to put my Gucci purse on the *#%#* floor!”  And that’s when I realized that if I’d had a newborn in tow, I’d have been better off letting the scruffy Asian man in the black leather jacket babysit.

You simply can’t judge a book by its cover, can you?
-Shannon

In case you didn’t know this about me, I’ve always considered the sight of a cardinal as God’s way of assuring me that He’s ever-present and in control.  Their bright red feathers reminds me that the bright red blood that Jesus shed is sufficient to cure whatever ails me, and that if God cares for even these tiny, frail creatures, surely He’ll continue caring for me.

This gift of a whole yard full of cardinals comes at a much-needed time in my history.  In 10 days, my almost-18-year-old daughter flies to Australia to study visual arts at a Christian college for the next 10 months.  We’ve known about this plan for 18 months, so it’s not like it’s sneaking up on us.  I’m truly excited for her as she fulfills this dream.  But I confess that the idea of not having my baby girl here beneath my own wing is a thought that has brought many tears lately.  I know all baby birds need to fly from the nest someday, and she’s definitely strong enough to soar.  But I know this Mama Bird’s going to feel the loss something terrible.

So when you read this, would you please pray that Jesus would continue sending  signs to remind me He’s in control?  Reminding me that He hasn’t just got His eye on the sparrow, but also on the cardinal, and on my own baby bird, Erin, as she flies to the other side of the world?

Many thanks,

Shannon

P.S.  Special thanks to one of my BLAST participants, Holly, for sending the following video clip about this exact season that I’m going through.  Moms of children all ages, you’ll enjoy this immensely!

ME… long ago… in my much wilder days, of course.  Praise God for complete transformations!!!

As you watch, resist the urge to choke “Erin.”  Instead, let the Holy Spirit lovingly reveal if there is ANY “Erin” in YOU!

http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/mini-movies/1687/After-Hours

Shannon

Here are three reasons why we’re so excited about this “Maximizing Intimacy” event:

1. If you’ve never been to Glen Eyrie, you’re in for a spectacular surprise!  It’s nestled next to Garden of the Gods National Park, among majestic mountains and towering spruce trees, with a magnificent castle where events are hosted and meals are served.  It’s like stepping back in time to an incredibly magical place – a place you’ll never forget!  Fantastic memories will definitely be made there!
2. We’ve led retreats at Glen Eyrie several times before, and God has been so faithful to touch the hearts of every couple involved!  Whether you’re hanging on by a thread, or just looking to go from “good” to “great,” you’ll walk away from this retreat refreshed and energized to make your marriage everything you want it to be!
3. This time I have the awesome privilege of speaking alongside my writing partner, Fred Stoeker, best-selling author of the Every Man’s Battle series and several other books.  The wisdom he brings to the table is invaluable for both the men and the women!

Registration is extremely limited (Glen Eyrie likes to keep their retreats relatively small and intimate), so sign up soon!
http://www.gleneyrie.org/max

Looking forward to seeing you there,
Shannon & Greg