I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Verbal Poison

“My husband and I argue all the time and it can get pretty intense. But what is normal in arguing and when does it cross the line into verbal abuse?”

Disagreements in marriage are entirely normal. If you never disagree, check your pulse for signs of life. Disagreements can quickly turn into disasters, however, if we don’t draw verbal and emotional boundary lines. As the Bible warns in James 3:8, the tongue can be a “restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

Even in the absence of physical blows, tremendous mental, emotional, and spiritual blows can hurt – and those can take years longer to heal. Couples should avoid:

1. Screaming, cursing, or name-calling
2. Constant criticism or frequent humiliation
3. Acting jealous or possessive to block healthy relationships with others
4. Incessant calling during work hours just to argue
5. Threatening to harm them, their loved ones, their pets, or their belongings
6. Verbally throwing their past up in their face even though forgiveness was previously extended
7. Belittling or minimizing the other partner’s concerns about the relationship, or blaming the other person entirely

This list isn’t exhaustive, but should give you a measuring stick to gauge if arguments are crossing the line. If you’re doing any of these, stop. If your husband does them, calmly call a time out until you both feel more in control of your emotions. Verbal & emotional abuse can’t be underestimated. It can be just as destructive (if not more so) to a relationship as physical violence.

If you (or a friend) need to talk to someone about this issue, search online for a domestic violence prevention hotline or women’s shelter in your local area.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage (click here to order)

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick (WaterBrook Press)

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage To Make Us Holy More Than To Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas (Zondervan)

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Moving Beyond Sexual Abuse

“Every sexual experience brings up bitter memories of childhood sexual abuse. Is it possible to have a happy marriage without sex?”

To have a happy marriage, both individuals need to be happy.  Would your husband really be satisfied with a sexless marriage?  Wouldn’t you both be happier if you could heal the scars of sexual abuse and enjoy a healthy sex life together?

With one-third of women having experienced sexual abuse, many have walked wounded in the area of sexuality, myself included. But rather than withdrawing from my husband, I managed to invite him into my healing process.  When I tearfully told Greg how disgusted I felt by my uncle’s mustache when he forced me to kiss him, Greg gently asked, “Is that why you don’t kiss me as often since I grew a mustache?” I hadn’t made the connection. The next morning Greg shaved his mustache off, and we caught up on months of missed kisses. Very healing.

Be sure to let your husband know your struggle isn’t with him, but with unresolved trauma from past sexual abuse.  Discuss ways that you might feel more safe and secure.  For example:

• Incorporate relaxation techniques as foreplay, such as lighting a candle and praying while in each other’s arms or taking a hot bath together.
• Leave the lights on.  Make the visual connection that you’re with your husband who loves you, not someone who wants to harm you.
• Use a non-offensive code word (such as “red light” or “molasses”) if you begin to feel negatively about a certain activity and want him to stop.  His willingness to do so will help you re-establish a sense of safety as your boundaries are respected.

Don’t let your sexual abuser continue robbing you of the joy, passion, and pleasure that God intendeds both you and your husband to enjoy.  Seek professional counseling if needed. You were a victim once, but you don’t have to be anymore.

Recommended Reading:

The Sexually Confident Wife (click here to order)

Why Do I Feel Like Hiding?:  How to Overcome Shame and Guilt by Daniel Green & Mel Lawrenz (Baker Books)

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Dealing with a Passive Partner

“My husband is so passive that he makes Jell-O look stiff. How can I get him to take charge?”

Remember the “which came first – the chicken or the egg” question? It’s worth asking, “Which came first? Do I take charge because he’s so passive, or is he so passive because I take charge?”  Unfortunately, we often create the exact behavior we abhor.

To visualize how this dynamic can be changed, imagine a see-saw. One side is the “assertive” side and the other is the “passive” side.  The further you venture out on the assertive side, the further he’ll venture out on the passive side to maintain balance. However, the more you venture toward the middle, the more he’ll naturally do the same.

What would “venturing toward the middle” look like?

Rather than:  You pick the restaurant. I’m tired of making all the choices.

Try:  Let’s go to one of your favorites.  What are you hungry for?

Instead of:  Why can’t you take initiative in the house?

Try:  I have three honey-do’s I could use your help with, and #3 is to let me give you a back massage to thank you for doing #1 and #2.

Rather than:  Why haven’t you paid these bills yet?  Can I not trust you?

Try:  I see some bills piling up.  Do you need extra time this weekend to get caught up?

You get the idea.  Next time you’re tempted to take charge when you really want him to, remember Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. She didn’t require his leadership by stepping all over his toes. She inspired him to lead by simply following along gracefully.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage by Shannon & Greg Ethridge (click here to order)

Woman Power by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (HarperCollins)

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Is Low Sex-Drive a “Generational Curse?”

Bill from Philadelphia writes:

“Hey, Shannon, I have a question I’ve never heard asked or answered.  Can low sex drive (or NO sex drive) in a woman (or man) be a generational curse?  You know, the Bible talks about curses running through families.  My wife has an extremely low sex drive and so did her mother and grandmother.  It’s created a lot of problems as you can imagine.”

Dear Bill:

I’ve never heard of low sex drive being a generational curse, especially since no woman is particularly mentioned in the Bible as having a low sex drive (although I guess some of them could have).  I assume by your question you’re referring to the following passage of Scripture:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  (Exodus 20:4-6)

Although it’s easy to read this passage and tremble in fear over what “generational curses” we (or our spouse) may have inherited, I want to call your attention to the words following that foreboding statement:  “…of those who hate me, but showing LOVE to a THOUSAND generations of those who love me…”  The reason why this last part of the sentence is so key is because as believers in Christ Jesus, all generational curses are completely broken!  We do NOT suffer punishment for the sins of generations past.

The reality is that sometimes we give Satan too much credit or try to spiritualize something that’s actually very humanly-driven.  By nature, human beings are drawn to the familiar, and if it was familiar for a woman to grow up around other women with low sex drives, low self-esteem, victim mentalities, etc., it’s only natural that she will gravitate that direction too.

But the good news is that learned behavior can also be unlearned.  Women developing new, healthier patterns of relating sexually within marriage is exactly what this ministry is all about, so I hope your wife will visit both our websites (www.shannonethridge.com and www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com) and check out a few of the books and other blogs for inspiration!  I’d particularly recommend The Sexually Confident Wife book! 

Why?  Because we’re COLD, dang it!

I recently read in a book called The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. that women simply can’t orgasm when they are cold.  No, it’s not just in your head, Ladies – it’s a biological fact!  Orgasm requires mental focus and concentration, as well as physical relaxation – both of which are next to impossible when we are shivering like Eskimos.

SO, here are a few practical tips to keep you WARM so you can keep things HOT between you and hubby all winter long:

1. Put a space heater in your room about an hour before bedtime to bring the temperature up to comfortable levels.
2. Do some light exercises at the end of the day – a few jumping jacks or sit ups — just enough to get your blood circulation going to warm your body naturally.
3. Take a HOT shower or bath right before bed, such that the cooler air is a welcome relief!
4. Get creative with what kind of pajamas you wear to bed, such as button-up pajama tops that make certain body parts accessible to him while keeping other parts (shoulders, back, arms) warm.
5. Get creative with your covers, such as making a “tent” using your knees as tent poles, but draping the blanket such that certain parts of your anatomy are within reach.  (If we can do it for the OB/GYN, we can do it for our husbands!)
6. It may not be his idea of the sexiest look, but keep your fuzzy socks on if necessary!  Feet are the body part that’s most prone to cold because of the distance blood is required to travel to keep them warm.
7. Heat a bottle of lotion in the microwave and ask your husband for a hot foot massage or back rub.  I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be obliged if he knew where you were headed with the idea!

Wishing you a mild winter and a not-so-mild marriage bed!

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com
www.shannonethridge.com

I honestly can’t believe how great I’m feeling… how good I’m sleeping… how much energy I have… how I’ve had NO headaches, NO hunger pains, and NO cravings.   I’m finally beginning to realize that when you give your body all the nutrients that it needs (such as through massive amounts of plant-based foods), it doesn’t need to send S.O.S. signals such as hunger pains and cravings.  It’s content.  It’s nourished.  It’s satisfied.  And it feels amazing!

I can see why Daniel and his friends chose this diet as opposed to the king’s “rich foods.”

At the end of the ten days, Daniel and his three friends looked healthier and better nourished than the young men who had been eating the food assigned by the king.     So after that, the attendant fed them only vegetables instead of the food and wine provided for the others.  God gave these four young men an unusual aptitude for understanding every aspect of literature and wisdom. And God gave Daniel the     special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams.

(Daniel 1:15-17)

In addition to Daniel experiencing amazingly clear thinking after such a fast, I was recently watching another documentary on the health benefits of all natural foods and a plant-based diet called “Food Matters.”  In one section of the film, Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was mentioned as having abided by such a diet.  As a result, Bill W. noticed that he was better able to control his addictions through clearer thinking, and recommended such a diet to the support group members.  They also were surprised at how much easier their “demons” were to manage (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, inappropriate sexual relationships, etc.) when they ate the healthiest of foods containing the highest concentration of nutrients.

So now I’m wondering …

• Could there REALLY be a connection between addiction management and healthy nutrition?
• Could our brain chemistry be a large part of the reason why many of us are drawn like a moth to a flame toward unhealthy behaviors?
• If we alter our brain chemistry through the fuel we put in our bodies, can we alter our addictive personalities?
• Could inappropriate emotional entanglements be easier to avoid simply by avoiding unhealthy food?
• Are our hearts and spirits so “hungry” for love, attention, and affection simply because our brains and bodies are so “hungry” for the right kind of fuel?
• Could processed and refined foods (white sugar, white flour, etc.) be one of the biggest culprits in the sex & love addict’s life?
• Could the emotional roller coaster rides we often find ourselves on (including anger & depression) be better controlled through proper nutrition?
• Could our marriages or romantic relationships be drastically improved simply by improving our diet?

If you’re as curious as I am, why don’t you JOIN ME in a 10-day fruit & vegetable fast to test the theory for yourself?

I noticed a huge difference in my thinking within the first 3-4 days, so I’m going to continue on for a while, hoping to see an even BIGGER improvement in my mental focus and emotional sobriety!

What are your thoughts?  Do YOU think there could be a connection between addiction & nutrition?

Please chime in on the discussion, as I’m thinking this concept could easily turn into a future book, and I’m looking for rich fodder!  Thanks!

My answer:  To be HEALTHY in every way!

SPIRITUALLY – I’m reading through the New Testament and journaling what I sense God speaking directly to me as I go.

MENTALLY – I’m deeply engrossed in research for my next book projects, which keeps me mentally stimulated and focused.

EMOTIONALLY – I’m investing in a few key friendships with folks that keep me sane and entertained, filling my cup so I can turn around and fill others.

SEXUALLY – I’m committed to keeping the home fires burning as a Sexually Confident Wife, of course!

PHYSICALLY – I continue to routinely walk, bike, stretch, & swim when possible, and I try to watch what (and how much) I eat.  My biggest goal is to consistently implement tons more fruits & vegetables into my daily diet for a healthier lifestyle, so I asked for a juicing machine for Christmas and Santa delivered.  In fact, I’m starting out the year with a Daniel Fast, so here’s what my dinner looked like today…

BEFORE – swiss chard, celery, carrots, zucchini, summer squash, pear, apple, lime & cranberries

AFTER – a delightful, micronutrient-rich juice dinner for two!

If you want to know more about the health benefits of juicing, watch the movie “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead” – if that doesn’t inspire you to eat more fruits & veggies, nothing will!  (and special thanks to Michael Hyatt, President of Thomas Nelson Publishers for suggesting the movie and turning me onto this idea through his blog!)

To properly care for the bodies, minds, souls, and relationships that God has entrusted to us during our lifetime is about the best resolution we can make, so those are my goals for 2012!

What about you?  What are your New Year’s Resolutions for 2012?

Hoping it’s your best year yet – in every way!

Shannon

I hope you enjoy this great new song by Becky Kelley:  http://bit.ly/sqt4cD

To wrap up our 4-part series on incorporating financial peace into your marriage relationship, I’d like to tell you about the most radical thing we’ve done, and the huge impact that it’s had on our marriage (and marriage bed)!

But first, let’s recap the other steps we took as we moved toward financial peace:

• Step 1: Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
• Step 2: Pay off all debt except house
• Step 3: Put aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account
• Step 4: Invest 15% of income for retirement
• Step 5: College funding for kids

According to Dave Ramsey’s “Baby Steps to Financial Peace” plan, the last two steps are:

• Step 6: Pay off the mortgage on your home and live completely “payment-free!”
• Step 7: Build wealth and GIVE!

I know. Step #6 feels like it could take FOREVER! Because most people take out at least 20-year or even 30-year mortgages on their home, attacking that loan with enough “gazelle intensity” until it’s totally paid off can seem like such a L-O-N-G-term goal. And my experience with L-O-N-G-term goals is that they N-E-V-E-R get accomplished unless we make them a H-U-G-E priority.

So we decided to make paying off our mortgage a SHORT-term goal instead. How? Read on…

In the fall of 2007, around my 40th birthday, I began feeling as if I had a two-ton elephant on my chest. Literally, I struggled to breathe at times, especially if I let myself linger over thoughts of the life we’d created for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong – I loved most everything about my life – a thriving marriage, motherhood, and ministry that kept me energized from day to day. But there was a big hole in my bucket letting so much of that energy drain right through me.

And when I thought about it long and hard enough, I was finally able to label my anxiety. It was called: PROPERTY MANAGEMENT.

We’d purchased the 100+ acre property in 1998, and invested many years (and many royalty checks) in turning that abandoned little 1800 sq. ft. log cabin into a 4500 sq. ft. “dream home” that probably resembled a small retreat center more than a simple house for a family of four. I don’t know where my head was during those years, but somehow I thought I needed a separate room for every activity – a workout room, an office for me, and office for Greg, a formal guest room, a family living room, a kids’ den… and without realizing what a maintenance nightmare it would eventually become, we went from a cozy 3-bedroom 3-bath cabin to a 6-bedroom, 5.5 bath monstrosity… oh, and a whopping mortgage payment to match by the time construction was complete. We went a little over our original budget, to say the least.

We enjoyed the house like crazy the first three years after we added all that square footage. We hosted lots of family gatherings and even weddings and receptions. But after the new wore off and the maintenance got so tiring, I began cringing whenever we received the mortgage reminder in the mail. Out of our $1600 per month payment, only $300 of that was going toward the principal. $1,300 was going toward interest. Every month. I was paying the bank $1,300 every 30 days to live in a house that was soon overwhelming me on a daily basis. So we put it on the market. In May 2008. And it sat there. For 3 years.

During that time, I lost so much sleep… and so much of my patience… and so much of my libido as a result! I remember telling Greg how I’d often wake up with dreams of grabbing the four walls around me and pulling them in for a “cozier fit” because life simply felt way “too big,” and that if I wasn’t able to accomplish that goal soon, I’d be tempted to opt for the four tight walls of a coffin. Not trying to be dramatic, just stating the truth. I felt as if I’d rather die that keep living in that huge house with all of the maintenance, land management, and debt load.

Praise God, in May 2011, we FINALLY got that albatross out from around our necks! We managed to sell it for just enough money to pay off the remaining mortgage, and pay cash for the next house! We wanted to call Dave Ramsey’s show to scream, “WE’RE DEBT FREE!” as so many of his listeners do!

I learned lots of valuable lessons from that experience – mainly that you don’t ever want more square footage than you can effectively keep clean… that you can always manage with less than you think you really need… that “bigger” isn’t always “better,” especially when it comes to mortgage payments!

But I also learned that WE have control of our lifestyle – and if we can choose to expand it, we can also choose to shrink it! And that’s exactly what we did. We found a 1,932 sq. ft. house in Tyler on a 1/3rd acre lot, complete with a garage apartment for our college-age daughter, and we have NO payments on anything! We live entirely off of cash, not credit, and LIFE HAS NEVER FELT SO MARVELOUS!

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, isn’t that great for YOU?! But we don’t have a big piece of property to sell to get ahead!” So what DO you have that you can live without? What kind of albatrosses are around your neck that you’d rather cash-in than to have to keep managing? Consider these questions:

• Could you manage with a smaller house if it meant smaller house payments?
• Do you drive a car that’s a little more expensive than you truly need? Could you manage with a more affordable one to get you around from place to place?
• Do you have clothes in your closet that could be taken to a re-sale shop, freeing up more space to properly store the ones you actually wear?
• Do you have an abundance of “stuff” in your basement, attic, or garage that you’d be willing to part with for the right price? Then have a big yard sale!
• Are there extra computers, video games, televisions, other electronics that you don’t use as often and could easily live without? Jewelry that you rarely wear? Interesting collectibles that collect far more dust than interest? Sell them on E-Bay!

Every dollar you generate could be one less dollar you owe on your house, and several less dollars in interest accruing on your mortgage loan between now and the time you actually get it paid off!

And when you do get it paid off, guess what you’re able to do even MORE of than you ever have before?! (hint: the answer is NOT buy more stuff you don’t need or eat out far more often, although having more expendable income is a nice perk!)

Now you’re in a position to be a HUGE BLESSING to others! Whether it’s giving more to your local church, supporting more missionaries, donating more heartily to charitable organizations, or however you decide to invest in God’s kingdom, there is NO GREATER JOY than to be able to GIVE in order to help others!

Golda Meir said, “You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.” Dave Ramsey says, “Vow to never hold your money so tightly that you never give any away. Hoarding money is not the way to wealth. Save for yourself, save for your family’s future, and be gracious enough to bless others. You can do all three at the same time.”

Indeed, you can do all three at the same time. And when you exchange the stress and pressure of big monthly mortgage payments and living off of credit for the FREEDOM of being DEBT-FREE, you’ll breathe a BIG sigh of RELIEF in your marriage…

And a BIG sigh of PASSION in your marriage bed as a result.

Seriously, I’ve learned that there IS a clear connection between financial freedom and sexual confidence. Test the theory for yourself, and see if becoming a more confident money manager doesn’t make you a more sexually confident wife as well!

Warmly,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

In addition to (1) establishing a small emergency fund, (2) paying off all debt except our house, and (3) putting aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account, we followed Dave Ramsey’s 4th and 5th baby steps toward Financial Peace as well, which are:

• Invest 15% of your income for retirement
• College funding for your kids

It’s so easy to coast through the first years of marriage thinking, “We’ll be able to save for retirement and college funds later! Right now we’ve got more pressing financial concerns!” (like that big screen TV your husband wants, or that new landscaping you’d like to have done in front of the house)

But guess what? Retirement and college creeps up on us much faster than we realize! It seems like yesterday I was wiping my kids noses and butts, and today my kids are a freshman and a junior in college! And retirement once seemed like forever away, but my husband is only 15 years away from being the proverbial age 65.

Basically, we decided that investing 15% of our income toward retirement wasn’t an option. It was a requirement. Why? Quite simply, because we don’t want to be a burden on our kids, or on the government, or on society. We don’t want to be eating Alpo in our old age because we can’t afford ground beef.

You may think I’m exaggerating, but think about it. For those who choose to retire (or are forced to because of health reasons), we may have a LOT of years between our last gainfully-employed paycheck and our last breath. Will we have enough money saved to be financially independent? Or will we be at the mercy of our adult children who’ve got enough financial stresses trying to raise their own children… or at the mercy of a government welfare system that is collapsing a little more each day?

Come on, Ladies! Let’s put on our big girl panties and not leave all of the financial responsibilities and concerns up to our husbands! We’ve got to WAKE UP AND GET A SNIFF OF REALITY! Money doesn’t grow on trees… not now, nor in our old age! We’ve got to start saving for the long-term future TODAY! So pay YOURSELF first (after taxes and tithe), and make sure retirement funding is a serious priority in your budgeting process!

As for college funding, we have a special friend (whom shall remain nameless) that I’ll forever be indebted to because of the wisdom she brought into our (and our children’s) lives. Basically, she chose to attend a private Christian college for all 4 years of her education because they offered her a 50% scholarship. Sounds peachy, right? But those peaches had a lot of pits in them. Each year still totaled $20,000 in tuition. Multiply times 4 years and you’ve got $80,000 worth of student loan debt (not to mention the interest that accrues on that debt each month, which is astounding in and of itself!). Then she married a guy who’d done the exact same thing. So together they have $160,000 worth of student loan debt! In researching ways to relieve some of that debt load, she learned that there is NO legal way out of it, not even declaring bankruptcy. In fact, the suicide rates among post-college graduates are exorbitantly higher than other segments of the population, and my suspicion is that it’s because of the depressing job market combined with the overwhelming burden of heavy student loan debt.

So we sat our children down and said, “Here are your options… we are very fortunate to have two great schools in our back yard, Tyler Junior College (less than $1000 per semester) and University of Texas at Tyler (approximately $3,000 per semester). Or there are tons of schools to choose from away from home (ranging in price up to $30,000 per semester). We will try to pay your tuition and books as best we can, but whatever the difference is between what you choose to spend and what we can personally afford will be YOURS to finance and pay off in the future. If you attend a local college or university, you can live at home for free with few rules or responsibilities other than live a moral life and keep your grades up. If you choose to go away to college, your living expenses are your own. You’ll either have to work a job and pay as you go, or you will have to figure out a way to finance those expenses and pay them off later as well.” (Translation: We don’t have a silver spoon to stick into your mouth, so don’t expect a “free ride” through college.)

Funny how children can do math much better than we realize, especially when it is THEIR money they are spending. Today my daughter is working on a bachelor’s degree in fine arts at U.T. Tyler, hoping to pursue her master’s degree and teach art on a university level someday. My son is knocking out his basics at Tyler Junior College, hoping to study international business down the road. Neither of them have ANY student loan debt at ALL. And we hope to keep it that way. Can you imagine how FREE they will feel on graduation day, with their whole career in front of them, and NO student loan debt behind them? That will be a grand and glorious day for the whole family!

All that to say, help your kids make responsible choices when it comes to college. Don’t overpromise financial assistance, then under-deliver, leaving them to hold a heavier financial bill than they can comfortably manage. Then you’re setting THEM up to have a rough and rocky marriage due to money woes! Teach them to be financially responsible by modeling exactly what that looks like, Mom and Dad!

Again, you may wonder what all of this has to do with sexual confidence since these are my “Hot Tips for Sexually Confident Wives!” Do you realize how difficult it is to have a strong, vibrant, healthy sex life when your marriage isn’t feeling so strong, vibrant, or healthy? And when we let debt pile up and money issues stress us to the max, our marriages are definitely going to be stressed to the max as well!!!

I once heard a comedian use the slogan, “Happy Wife, Happy Life!” I’d also add, “Stress-free wallet, stress-free marriage, stress-free marriage bed!”

Wishing you tremendous financial peace,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com