SexuallyConfidentWife.com Official Blog

Making “Relationship Resolutions”

Special thanks to The TODAY Show for having me back to New York last month for a “Relationship Roundtable” discussion with Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Saturday Night Live comedian Finesse Mitchell, and Lesley Rotchford, editor of Cosmopolitan magazine.  The segment aired this morning, but can be watched here too.  Just go to the home page and click on the January 2^nd MSNBC video.

Shannon’s 2009 Resolution: 

To Help Aspiring Writers & Speakers Have a B.L.A.S.T.!

If you’ve been familiar with my writing and speaking for very long, you know that I focus primarily on three passions:  Sexual Integrity, Sexual Intimacy, and Spiritual Intimacy.  Although I get dozens of questions each week pertaining to these issues, some of the most common questions I receive have absolutely nothing to do with any of them… questions like:

·         I feel called to speak, but how do I get started?

·         What’s the best way to go about writing the book I have in mind?

·         How can I get a publisher to look at my book?

·         I want to reach more people with my speaking and writing.  What do you suggest?

Trying to answer such questions can feel almost as impossible as explaining to someone in 200 words or less how to successfully perform open heart surgery.  Oh, how I’ve wished I could connect a set of mental jumper cables from my brain to someone else’s and download all that I’ve learned over the past decade! 

The publishing industry is incredibly complex and difficult to break into.  As my writing mentor said years ago, “You can feel like a tiny grain of sand on an entire continent of beach when you’re trying to get published!”  Boy, do I remember that feeling.  And I sense that there are lots of you who are experiencing that feeling right now.  Perhaps God has tapped you on the shoulder and said, “I want YOU to be my voice!”  If so, I sense God tapping ME on the shoulder and saying, “I want YOU to teach them how!”

In response to this calling, I’m launching a new one-year program starting this September called B.L.A.S.T. (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers & Teachers).  I’ll meet one day per month with a select group of aspiring writers and speakers, attempting to teach you all that I can about bringing your own ministry and publishing dreams to life! 

If you’re interested in learning more about the program, go to www.shannonethridge.com and sign up for the monthly E-newsletter.  There will be lots more information in the January edition (to be released within the next few days, or if you miss it, go to the e-newsletter archives for the January 2009 edition).  There’ll be a place to click in the e-newsletter for a complete informational brochure and application packet.  Also, feel free to email your like-minded friends who’d be interested and let them know about the program.  There is an ONLINE version, so no matter where you live, you can have a BLAST with us!

Who knows?  Perhaps this will be the year that YOUR resolution for getting that book started or that speaking ministry launched finally becomes a reality!  If you’re ready to see that happen, I’m ready to help BLAST you in the right direction.

Happiest of New Years to you and yours,

Shannon 

No deep thoughts on marriage… no challenges for your sex life… just the warmest of wishes for a very merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years!

I’m enjoying time off with my hard-working hubby, crazy-busy 16-year old daughter, and bored-out-of-his-mind-until-school-starts-back 13-year old son.  I’ll begin blogging again January 2nd, but for now my focus is on tackling two years worth of scrapbooking projects!

Until then,

Shannon

It’s been making headlines in the media a lot lately – special emphasis on how important it is for married couples to have frequent sex.  I completely agree, but is it possible to focus so much on quantity that we forget the importance of quality in our sexual relationship? 

I’m all about quickies whenever necessary and squeezing in time for squeezing each other in passing.  But if that’s all there is – a focus strictly on the physical release and little attention to emotional connection — a woman can begin to feel like nothing more than a sexual rag doll or vending machine.  For women to survive off of that is like trying to survive off of a diet of candy bars.  They can fill you up, and even satisfy you to an extent, but do they ultimately nourish your soul and your relationship to the fullest extent?  Every once in a while we need a good “steak dinner” sexual experience rather than a “candy bar” sexual experience.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to challenge you – what can you do to set the table for a quality sexual experience?  For example, when our kids were younger we had “fish stick and tater tot night” where the kids went to grandmas for fish sticks and tater tots while we went back home and took advantage of two hours to just lay around naked, talk about stuff we couldn’t talk about with young children around, and indulge in leisurely sex.  Now that our kids are older, we enjoy “youth group night” where our teens go to church on Wednesday night and we go into the “upper room” (our master bedroom) for a quiet evening together. 

If you don’t have a game plan for a few quality sexual experiences in the coming weeks and months, develop one as a Christmas present to your beloved spouse.  And as a Christmas present to us, share your idea so we can be inspired in our marriages as well! 

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

I just returned home from New York City where we taped another segment for The Today Show (which airs January 2nd), and I’m exhausted and overwhelmed at all I have to do before the holidays!!!  SO I’m taking my own advice that I shared in my most recent Hot Tip E-newsletter and making time for what matters most.  Instead of using all kinds of time and energy to create a completely original thought to impress my readers, I’m copying and pasting that Hot Tip here as my blog entry so that I can go on upstairs and cuddle with my husband!  

Hot Tip #8 - Making Time for What Matters Most

At this point in the holidays, you’re probably like me – still addressing cards, frantically shopping for just the right gifts, trying to stay on top of the wrapping responsibilities while simultaneously attempting to keep the plethora of wrapping paper and bows out of sight for when company comes by.  There’s so much to do… so many errands to run… so many dishes to prepare… so many parties to attend and people to connect with.  We can easily begin to view the holidays as a burden rather than a blessing if we’re not careful. 

Your husband may view the holidays as a burden as well, especially if you’re unable to squeeze him into your daytimer at all.  At the risk of sounding as if I’m adding one more thing to your ever-growing to-do list, I encourage you to consider quick ways that you can make a sexual connection.  When you jump into the shower in the morning, invite him to join you!  Tired feet after a long day of shopping?  Offer to rub lotion on whatever body part he prefers in exchange for a foot rub.  When you climb into bed at night, tell Santa he can have any 5-minute jolly he wants from Mrs. Claus.  You get the idea.  Make this Christmas season one he’ll never forget, not because of what he received under the tree, but because of what he received under the covers!

Wishing you the Happiest of Holidays,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

P.S.  For other arousing ideas to enhance your sex life, check out chapter 10 in The Sexually Confident Wife, “Tantalizing Sexual Techniques.”

Oh, and by the way, if you’re not already receiving these by-monthly Hot Tips e-newsletters, you’re missing out!  Go to the homepage and sign up now before you get sidetracked by your ever-growing holiday to-do list!

If you are the wife of a (hopefully recovering) pornography addict, I have a heart-felt message I want to share with you that’s been brewing in me for some time.  But first, I want you to pray that God would open your heart and mind in such a way that you’d be able to fully receive it with the spirit in which it is intended – to be a blessing, not a burden… to encourage you and inspire you rather than require things from you that you’re simply not ready to give.  My goal is to help you become a sexually confident wife again, in spite of the past poor choices your husband has made.

Before I just throw these principles at you, I want to tell you about a few conversations I’ve had recently with women who are still sorting through the multiple layers of immense pain that their husbands’ addictions have caused them.  Cathy explained, “I refuse to buy or wear any sort of sexy lingerie.”  Very attractive with a petite, proportionate, curvaceous frame, I couldn’t image that body image was the reason for Cathy’s aversion.  As I inquired further why she felt this way, she responded, “That’s the kind of stuff they wear in pornographic films!  I don’t want to awaken the urge in my husband to look at that stuff again!” 

Okay, let’s pause here for a bit of girl-talk amongst ourselves.  So… I’m guessing Cathy wears cotton nightgowns, fuzzy robes, or frumpy pajamas instead of sexy lingerie?  And this is supposed to keep her husband’s sexual appetites from being “awakened?”  Sorry, but I can’t agree, nor can I imagine her husband agreeing with this philosophy.  A well-fed man doesn’t feel the need to steal a steak dinner from his neighbor.  Only the starving man is tempted to reach out for something that doesn’t belong to him to satisfy his hunger.  I think the same principle applies here.  If a husband can’t drink his wife’s beautiful body in through his eyes and enjoy the sexual freedoms that the marriage bed is meant to offer, how can he not be tempted to look elsewhere for that visual gratification?  I’m certainly not trying to justify a man’s use of pornography, but simply trying to help wives understand the natural cause-and-effect.  And granted, many wives do all they can to dress sexy for their husbands in the bedroom and they still surf for porn.  In response, I say that I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t recognize the value of honoring you by looking to you exclusively as the sole source of his sexual and visual gratification.  He’s got some growing up to do before becoming the sensitive lover that you deserve.  But back to the woman who refuses to dress sexy for fear of awaking his desires for pornography… I’m just not sure that equation adds up.  How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of any sort of sexy lingerie wardrobe.

Another example is Rhonda, who lambasted me for even suggesting that wives gratify their husbands by doing an occasional striptease for him in the privacy of their own bedroom.  “That’s pornographic!” she exclaimed.   Hello!!!  Really???  Further conversation revealed that Rhonda thought it best to leave the lights off to make love because she doesn’t want to be “compared” to pornographic models.  I guess she thinks that if he can’t see her, he can’t compare her and think of all the ways she doesn’t measure up to those airbrushed beauties.  How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of her own healthy body image.

Yet another example is Tonya, who refuses to consider any other position than the missionary position because “all those other wild-n-crazy positions are what pornographic actors do, and I don’t want to emulate them!”  How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of the carefree, adventurous side of her sexuality (not to mention her husband’s adventurous side as well).

I can understand that a woman’s knee-jerk reaction to her husband’s pornography issue is to try and starve his desires until they match her own more-inhibited, less-frequent desires, but does that strategy have any hope of real success given how men are such sexually-oriented, visually stimulated creatures?  And remember, this is their divine design by God, not a result of some sickness or brokenness or pornography addiction.  Sexuality was God’s gift to man and woman before the fall of man, so there’s nothing inherently sinful about his natural, healthy sexual desires. 

I also understand that a woman might, as a result of her own brokenness and insecurities, be tempted to withdraw completely from anything that even remotely resembles pornography, but consider these things…

·     Pornography wasn’t readily available to the public until the creation of Playboy Magazine in 1953.  I can’t imagine that women weren’t dressing sexy, stripping, or enjoying various sexual positions with their husbands prior to that time period.  So why would we not feel the freedom to do these things now?

·        There are also very natural things portrayed in pornography such as kissing… body massage… and intercourse.  Does that mean married couples should abandon those activities all together too?  Sorry, but I refuse to let pornography rob me of that much of my sexuality!  Just because something has been featured in some pornographic film doesn’t automatically make that thing “dirty” or “bad.”

·        I’m not convinced that it’s all bare skin and hot sex men are after when they gaze upon pornography.  I believe the “You’re absolutely irresistible… I want you badly… Come and get me” looks on their faces are really what these men are craving.  They want (and need) to feel sexually desirable in a woman’s eyes in order to feel like a real man.  What power we hold as wives to provide that which their mind, body, heart, and soul longs for most! 

All this to say, Ladies, please don’t hold out sexually on your husband as some sort of “punishment” for his bad behavior, because you’re ultimately robbing yourself.  There are too many emotional, physical, and spiritual health benefits to sexual intimacy for you to allow anyone or anything to rob you of it.  If you give in and let pornography rob you of your sexual confidence, or your healthy body image, or your playful adventurous side, then pornography wins (again!).  But if you can draw the line in the sand and refuse to let pornography rob you of anything more than it already has, then you win… your husband wins… your marriage wins… your family wins.  In light of all that’s at stake, isn’t your sexual confidence worth fighting for?

Wishing you the BEST sex life possible,

Shannon Ethridge

P.S.  This is excerpted from an article I recently wrote for www.covenanteyes.com.  It would be a great site for both husbands and wives to check out!

I heard a lady exclaim the other day, “Parents shouldn’t talk so openly with children about sex or else it will awaken their desires!”  Sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more. 

Ask any teen, “The last time your parents tried to talk to you about sex, did it cause you to have to run off to your room and masturbate?”  I promise, they’ll turn green at the thought and might even puke on your shoes.  Kids don’t get “turned on” by healthy conversations with their parents.  But they might get turned on by what the world has to offer if we don’t coach them on how to guard their minds, hearts, and bodies in this sex-saturated world and let them know how to have the best sex… by waiting until marriage, of course!

There’s a BIG difference between INNOCENCE and IGNORANCE!!!  We simply don’t keep kids innocent by keeping them ignorant!  If anything, we set kids up to LOSE their innocence when we try to keep them ignorant.  My life is a testimony to this fact.  My parents never told me anything, so I didn’t have words to communicate what was happening when I was sexually abused at 12 by several uncles, then acquaintance-raped at 14, and became sexually active from 15 to 20 years of age.  I truly believe if they’d told me a little more than, “Why will he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?” perhaps I could have made much better choices.  I’m not trying to blame my parents entirely for the poor choices I made, but you can bet my kids have gotten a whole heck of a lot more in the way of honest, open conversations about sexuality at every stage of their development!

I want to hear from you — What did your parents tell (or not tell) you about sexuality, and what impact did that have on the sexual choices you’ve made in your life?  What do you wish they’d done differently?  And an even bigger question – what are you going to do differently (or the same) with your OWN kids?

Wishing you sexually healthy children (who grow up to become sexually confident wives and husbands, who give you all the grandchildren your heart desires!),

Shannon

P.S.  If you’re wondering when & how to talk to your children about sexual issues, I encourage you to read the last chapter of The Sexually Confident Wife (called “Passing the Baton”) as well as the following books:

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle

(available at www.shannonethridge.com),

and

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle

(available at www.fredstoeker.com)

Oops… I thought I posted this last Friday while on a wonderful romantic get-a-way with my husband, but obviously my head was in the clouds and I accidentally filed it in my “drafts” folder instead of publishing it.  Oh well, it’s never too late to be thankful, so…

This seems like the appropriate time of year to GIVE THANKS for the many wonderful character traits our husbands possess!  According to researchers David Buss from The University of Texas at Austin and Todd Shackelford from Florida Atlantic University, there are four qualities women really want in a man:

1. Good genes, reflected in desirable physical traits
2. Economic resources
3. The desire to have children and good parenting skills
4. Loyalty and devotion

When I first read this list, I declared out loud, “I have ALL of these in my husband, PLUS some!”  In addition to being incredibly handsome, a good provider, a great father, and still madly in love with me even after 19 years of some pretty unlovable moments, I’d also have to say that Greg is the backbone of this ministry, my emotional stability, my spiritual rock, my best friend, and… yep, a FANTASTIC lover!!!

What are YOU most thankful for in your husband?

Once you share your sentiments with us, why don’t you go show him how much he means to you by bestowing a little sexual confidence on him? 

Wishing you a heart full of gratitude,

Shannon

The previous blog about “Trent’s dilemma” has sparked an interesting question from yet another husband:

Imagine you were at a conference and a man like Trent comes up to you with his wife and says, “I really like what you are saying, but my wife and I just have a huge gap in our sexual desires.” You can tell that the wife is not too thrilled.  What would you say to that couple, to really inspire her to become a Sexually Confident Wife, and for him to hold onto hope and his morals until she does?

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a single sentence or even a paragraph in the world that would magically move a woman from one end of the spectrum to the other on the scale of sexual confidence, but I’d love for all of us ladies to offer these male readers some advice.  What are some things that a husband can do to INSPIRE our sexual confidence rather than REQUIRE it?  Or what are some things that he subconsciously does that kills our confidence?  For example…

Intimacy BUSTERS might be:

·         Forgeting to take out the trash even after we’ve asked you repeatedly (we know you’re only human and forget things on occasion, but it translates as, “I don’t really want to put forth the effort to serve you.”)  Therefore, we’re not so inspired to put forth the effort to serve his needs, either.

·         Expecting sex after you’ve had your head in the television all night (which often translates as, “I’d rather vegetate here on the couch than talk to you.”)  Therefore, we’d rather drift off to sleep on our pillow than to have sex with you.

Intimacy BOOSTERS might be:

·         Grab a bottle of lotion and say, “You’ve been on your feet a lot lately.  Would you like a foot massage?”  When my husband offers a foot rub, letting him work his way up with that lotion doesn’t seem like such a bad idea at all.

·         Call during the mid-afternoon craziness hours and suggest, “We deserve a break tonight.  If I picked dinner up on my way home, could we tuck the kids in early and have dessert by candlelight in our room?”  Ministering to her needs like that may have her eating out of the palm of your hand!

Other ideas, Ladies? 

What does your husband do or say that makes you put up a wall? 

What do you wish he’d do to help you tear down that wall and build a bridge instead?

The sky is the limit — DREAM BIG!  Let’s help men understand what we REALLY want and need in order to become the Sexually Confident Wives they dream of having.

Wishing you lots of creativity,

Shannon

One of the most interesting things is how many MEN seem to have found this website, and are ordering the book for their wives – a gesture which I hope all wives will interpret as something along the lines of, “Gee honey, I love you so much, and I want to connect with you more deeply!” rather than coming to any negative conclusions that he’s just being a selfish pig. 

I’m absolutely delighted to be striking a chord with husbands, but it’s the WIVES I’m hoping will really open themselves to the message of The Sexually Confident Wife, or else the term “Desperate Husbands” will become a more popular term than “Desperate Housewives.” 

One husband emailed recently asking for advice about how to talk to his wife about a huge struggle in their marriage.  “Trent” says:

“The real problem is that I have a much higher sex drive than she does and while she is happy with making love once or twice a week, I deeply desire to be sexually intimate with her far more than that. Not every day, but four or fives times a week is what I really desire. Whenever I make any loving motioning toward intimacy - such as close hugging or even massaging, she immediately withdraws because she thinks that I just want to fulfill my desires and have sex. It has got to the point where anything romantic, even buying flowers, is viewed as a manipulative maneuver to have sex that night. It has now got to the point where she simply refuses to make love more than twice a week and she says I need to gain control of my desires and should be putting my wife first and respecting her needs. I just don’t know what to do…

Sexual intimacy has become such a problem and it is like she has a castle wall built around her - and the gate only gets opened twice a week. So many nights I just lie in bed wanting to make love so much - and knowing that she simply does not want to. I am denied. I don’t want to masturbate.  I want to be intimate with my wife, my lover, that God has given to me.  She says there is no need for a husband’s sexual desires to met by the wife as regularly as four to fives times a week. I thought that as husband and wife our bodies belonged to each other and that we should fulfill the intimate desires of our spouse - but her desire is not to make love more that twice a week. It is immensely difficult as a man to know how to deal with this, or how to properly channel my desires.”

If anyone has any advice for “Trent,” that’d be great, but I also want to ask you, Ladies, could YOUR OWN husband have written this email?  Would he share the same sentiments if given the opportunity to do so anonymously?

I’m not trying to create any paranoia – just encouraging us all (myself included) to realize how important his sexual needs are, and how vital of a role wives play in fulfilling those desires. 

Would love to hear your thoughts!  (And I’ll bet “Trent” would too!)

Shannon

I’m flying out shortly to speak in Canada all weekend, but thought I’d leave this for your to chew on from my file of interesting tidbits… 

Think loving your husband is enought to exempt you from having an affair?  Not so says an article in Redbook. What really makes women vulnerable to unfaithfulness?  Here’s a few ways to predict if you’re at risk:

• You work — It provides opportunity simple because you spend 8 hours a day in close contact with men. And because women are still outnumbered by men in the workforce, they have more potential lovers.
• One of your parents cheated — There’s a greater tendency to repeat family patterns.
• You initiate sex with your husband — If you’re comfortable being the aggresor, then you won’t have a problem coming on to someone you’re interested in.
• Your friends are having affairs — Peer pressure!
• You live in a big city — Residents of small towns tend to frown on affairs. Most likely because everyone knows everyone.
• Your husband dominates you — An affair can be a declaration of independence.
• You’re better educated than your husband — Perhaps because you feel more powerful.
• You’re at a transition or crisis point — Maybe approaching your 30th birthday or whatever and you feel uncertain about the direction of your life.
• You’ve just moved to a new community.
• A parent has recently died — This may make you feel like doing things you know your mom or dad would have disapproved of.
• You and your husband spend a lot of time apart.
• You have a special friendship with a man.
• You’ve always been a “good girl.”
• Your husband criticizes your looks — Many of us, especially women, judge ourselves based on how we’re viewed by others. But husbands often forget to give compliments or worse,feel free to find fault.
• You’re content with your marriage — This might cause you to believe that since you have all the love and security at home, it’s okay then to have fun. You’ll see sex and love as two totally different things.

Some of these are scary, huh?  Just proves the point of almost every book I’ve ever written on female sexuality — we MUST be vigilant in GUARDING our hearts, Ladies!

Wishing you much faithfulness in your marriage,

Shannon