Shannon Ethridge's Blog

It’s the time of year that I enjoy the least – when Old Man Winter comes and steals the leaves off the trees, and steals my mojo as a result!  The sun doesn’t kiss our bare skin for months at a time… our legs don’t get shaven for weeks at a time… and we can go for days at a time without wanting sex at all.

Why?  Because we’re COLD, dang it!

I recently read in a book called The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. that women simply can’t orgasm when they are cold.  No, it’s not just in your head, Ladies – it’s a biological fact!  Orgasm requires mental focus and concentration, as well as physical relaxation – both of which are next to impossible when we are shivering like Eskimos.

SO, here are a few practical tips to keep you WARM so you can keep things HOT between you and hubby all winter long:

1. Put a space heater in your room about an hour before bedtime to bring the temperature up to comfortable levels.
2. Do some light exercises at the end of the day – a few jumping jacks or sit ups — just enough to get your blood circulation going to warm your body naturally.
3. Take a HOT shower or bath right before bed, such that the cooler air is a welcome relief!
4. Get creative with what kind of pajamas you wear to bed, such as button-up pajama tops that make certain body parts accessible to him while keeping other parts (shoulders, back, arms) warm.
5. Get creative with your covers, such as making a “tent” using your knees as tent poles, but draping the blanket such that certain parts of your anatomy are within reach.  (If we can do it for the OB/GYN, we can do it for our husbands!)
6. It may not be his idea of the sexiest look, but keep your fuzzy socks on if necessary!  Feet are the body part that’s most prone to cold because of the distance blood is required to travel to keep them warm.
7. Heat a bottle of lotion in the microwave and ask your husband for a hot foot massage or back rub.  I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be obliged if he knew where you were headed with the idea!

Wishing you a mild winter and a not-so-mild marriage bed!

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com
www.shannonethridge.com

Hot Tip #73 – Get Financial Peace – Part 4

To wrap up our 4-part series on incorporating financial peace into your marriage relationship, I’d like to tell you about the most radical thing we’ve done, and the huge impact that it’s had on our marriage (and marriage bed)!

But first, let’s recap the other steps we took as we moved toward financial peace:

• Step 1: Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
• Step 2: Pay off all debt except house
• Step 3: Put aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account
• Step 4: Invest 15% of income for retirement
• Step 5: College funding for kids

According to Dave Ramsey’s “Baby Steps to Financial Peace” plan, the last two steps are:

• Step 6: Pay off the mortgage on your home and live completely “payment-free!”
• Step 7: Build wealth and GIVE!

I know. Step #6 feels like it could take FOREVER! Because most people take out at least 20-year or even 30-year mortgages on their home, attacking that loan with enough “gazelle intensity” until it’s totally paid off can seem like such a L-O-N-G-term goal. And my experience with L-O-N-G-term goals is that they N-E-V-E-R get accomplished unless we make them a H-U-G-E priority.

So we decided to make paying off our mortgage a SHORT-term goal instead. How? Read on…

In the fall of 2007, around my 40th birthday, I began feeling as if I had a two-ton elephant on my chest. Literally, I struggled to breathe at times, especially if I let myself linger over thoughts of the life we’d created for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong – I loved most everything about my life – a thriving marriage, motherhood, and ministry that kept me energized from day to day. But there was a big hole in my bucket letting so much of that energy drain right through me.

And when I thought about it long and hard enough, I was finally able to label my anxiety. It was called: PROPERTY MANAGEMENT.

We’d purchased the 100+ acre property in 1998, and invested many years (and many royalty checks) in turning that abandoned little 1800 sq. ft. log cabin into a 4500 sq. ft. “dream home” that probably resembled a small retreat center more than a simple house for a family of four. I don’t know where my head was during those years, but somehow I thought I needed a separate room for every activity – a workout room, an office for me, and office for Greg, a formal guest room, a family living room, a kids’ den… and without realizing what a maintenance nightmare it would eventually become, we went from a cozy 3-bedroom 3-bath cabin to a 6-bedroom, 5.5 bath monstrosity… oh, and a whopping mortgage payment to match by the time construction was complete. We went a little over our original budget, to say the least.

We enjoyed the house like crazy the first three years after we added all that square footage. We hosted lots of family gatherings and even weddings and receptions. But after the new wore off and the maintenance got so tiring, I began cringing whenever we received the mortgage reminder in the mail. Out of our $1600 per month payment, only $300 of that was going toward the principal. $1,300 was going toward interest. Every month. I was paying the bank $1,300 every 30 days to live in a house that was soon overwhelming me on a daily basis. So we put it on the market. In May 2008. And it sat there. For 3 years.

During that time, I lost so much sleep… and so much of my patience… and so much of my libido as a result! I remember telling Greg how I’d often wake up with dreams of grabbing the four walls around me and pulling them in for a “cozier fit” because life simply felt way “too big,” and that if I wasn’t able to accomplish that goal soon, I’d be tempted to opt for the four tight walls of a coffin. Not trying to be dramatic, just stating the truth. I felt as if I’d rather die that keep living in that huge house with all of the maintenance, land management, and debt load.

Praise God, in May 2011, we FINALLY got that albatross out from around our necks! We managed to sell it for just enough money to pay off the remaining mortgage, and pay cash for the next house! We wanted to call Dave Ramsey’s show to scream, “WE’RE DEBT FREE!” as so many of his listeners do!

I learned lots of valuable lessons from that experience – mainly that you don’t ever want more square footage than you can effectively keep clean… that you can always manage with less than you think you really need… that “bigger” isn’t always “better,” especially when it comes to mortgage payments!

But I also learned that WE have control of our lifestyle – and if we can choose to expand it, we can also choose to shrink it! And that’s exactly what we did. We found a 1,932 sq. ft. house in Tyler on a 1/3rd acre lot, complete with a garage apartment for our college-age daughter, and we have NO payments on anything! We live entirely off of cash, not credit, and LIFE HAS NEVER FELT SO MARVELOUS!

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, isn’t that great for YOU?! But we don’t have a big piece of property to sell to get ahead!” So what DO you have that you can live without? What kind of albatrosses are around your neck that you’d rather cash-in than to have to keep managing? Consider these questions:

• Could you manage with a smaller house if it meant smaller house payments?
• Do you drive a car that’s a little more expensive than you truly need? Could you manage with a more affordable one to get you around from place to place?
• Do you have clothes in your closet that could be taken to a re-sale shop, freeing up more space to properly store the ones you actually wear?
• Do you have an abundance of “stuff” in your basement, attic, or garage that you’d be willing to part with for the right price? Then have a big yard sale!
• Are there extra computers, video games, televisions, other electronics that you don’t use as often and could easily live without? Jewelry that you rarely wear? Interesting collectibles that collect far more dust than interest? Sell them on E-Bay!

Every dollar you generate could be one less dollar you owe on your house, and several less dollars in interest accruing on your mortgage loan between now and the time you actually get it paid off!

And when you do get it paid off, guess what you’re able to do even MORE of than you ever have before?! (hint: the answer is NOT buy more stuff you don’t need or eat out far more often, although having more expendable income is a nice perk!)

Now you’re in a position to be a HUGE BLESSING to others! Whether it’s giving more to your local church, supporting more missionaries, donating more heartily to charitable organizations, or however you decide to invest in God’s kingdom, there is NO GREATER JOY than to be able to GIVE in order to help others!

Golda Meir said, “You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.” Dave Ramsey says, “Vow to never hold your money so tightly that you never give any away. Hoarding money is not the way to wealth. Save for yourself, save for your family’s future, and be gracious enough to bless others. You can do all three at the same time.”

Indeed, you can do all three at the same time. And when you exchange the stress and pressure of big monthly mortgage payments and living off of credit for the FREEDOM of being DEBT-FREE, you’ll breathe a BIG sigh of RELIEF in your marriage…

And a BIG sigh of PASSION in your marriage bed as a result.

Seriously, I’ve learned that there IS a clear connection between financial freedom and sexual confidence. Test the theory for yourself, and see if becoming a more confident money manager doesn’t make you a more sexually confident wife as well!

Warmly,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

Hot Tip #72 – Get Financial Peace – Part 3

In addition to (1) establishing a small emergency fund, (2) paying off all debt except our house, and (3) putting aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account, we followed Dave Ramsey’s 4th and 5th baby steps toward Financial Peace as well, which are:

• Invest 15% of your income for retirement
• College funding for your kids

It’s so easy to coast through the first years of marriage thinking, “We’ll be able to save for retirement and college funds later! Right now we’ve got more pressing financial concerns!” (like that big screen TV your husband wants, or that new landscaping you’d like to have done in front of the house)

But guess what? Retirement and college creeps up on us much faster than we realize! It seems like yesterday I was wiping my kids noses and butts, and today my kids are a freshman and a junior in college! And retirement once seemed like forever away, but my husband is only 15 years away from being the proverbial age 65.

Basically, we decided that investing 15% of our income toward retirement wasn’t an option. It was a requirement. Why? Quite simply, because we don’t want to be a burden on our kids, or on the government, or on society. We don’t want to be eating Alpo in our old age because we can’t afford ground beef.

You may think I’m exaggerating, but think about it. For those who choose to retire (or are forced to because of health reasons), we may have a LOT of years between our last gainfully-employed paycheck and our last breath. Will we have enough money saved to be financially independent? Or will we be at the mercy of our adult children who’ve got enough financial stresses trying to raise their own children… or at the mercy of a government welfare system that is collapsing a little more each day?

Come on, Ladies! Let’s put on our big girl panties and not leave all of the financial responsibilities and concerns up to our husbands! We’ve got to WAKE UP AND GET A SNIFF OF REALITY! Money doesn’t grow on trees… not now, nor in our old age! We’ve got to start saving for the long-term future TODAY! So pay YOURSELF first (after taxes and tithe), and make sure retirement funding is a serious priority in your budgeting process!

As for college funding, we have a special friend (whom shall remain nameless) that I’ll forever be indebted to because of the wisdom she brought into our (and our children’s) lives. Basically, she chose to attend a private Christian college for all 4 years of her education because they offered her a 50% scholarship. Sounds peachy, right? But those peaches had a lot of pits in them. Each year still totaled $20,000 in tuition. Multiply times 4 years and you’ve got $80,000 worth of student loan debt (not to mention the interest that accrues on that debt each month, which is astounding in and of itself!). Then she married a guy who’d done the exact same thing. So together they have $160,000 worth of student loan debt! In researching ways to relieve some of that debt load, she learned that there is NO legal way out of it, not even declaring bankruptcy. In fact, the suicide rates among post-college graduates are exorbitantly higher than other segments of the population, and my suspicion is that it’s because of the depressing job market combined with the overwhelming burden of heavy student loan debt.

So we sat our children down and said, “Here are your options… we are very fortunate to have two great schools in our back yard, Tyler Junior College (less than $1000 per semester) and University of Texas at Tyler (approximately $3,000 per semester). Or there are tons of schools to choose from away from home (ranging in price up to $30,000 per semester). We will try to pay your tuition and books as best we can, but whatever the difference is between what you choose to spend and what we can personally afford will be YOURS to finance and pay off in the future. If you attend a local college or university, you can live at home for free with few rules or responsibilities other than live a moral life and keep your grades up. If you choose to go away to college, your living expenses are your own. You’ll either have to work a job and pay as you go, or you will have to figure out a way to finance those expenses and pay them off later as well.” (Translation: We don’t have a silver spoon to stick into your mouth, so don’t expect a “free ride” through college.)

Funny how children can do math much better than we realize, especially when it is THEIR money they are spending. Today my daughter is working on a bachelor’s degree in fine arts at U.T. Tyler, hoping to pursue her master’s degree and teach art on a university level someday. My son is knocking out his basics at Tyler Junior College, hoping to study international business down the road. Neither of them have ANY student loan debt at ALL. And we hope to keep it that way. Can you imagine how FREE they will feel on graduation day, with their whole career in front of them, and NO student loan debt behind them? That will be a grand and glorious day for the whole family!

All that to say, help your kids make responsible choices when it comes to college. Don’t overpromise financial assistance, then under-deliver, leaving them to hold a heavier financial bill than they can comfortably manage. Then you’re setting THEM up to have a rough and rocky marriage due to money woes! Teach them to be financially responsible by modeling exactly what that looks like, Mom and Dad!

Again, you may wonder what all of this has to do with sexual confidence since these are my “Hot Tips for Sexually Confident Wives!” Do you realize how difficult it is to have a strong, vibrant, healthy sex life when your marriage isn’t feeling so strong, vibrant, or healthy? And when we let debt pile up and money issues stress us to the max, our marriages are definitely going to be stressed to the max as well!!!

I once heard a comedian use the slogan, “Happy Wife, Happy Life!” I’d also add, “Stress-free wallet, stress-free marriage, stress-free marriage bed!”

Wishing you tremendous financial peace,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

Hot Tip #71 – Get Financial Peace! – Part 2

As mentioned in the last Hot Tip, the most difficult season of our marriage (which also wreeked havoc on our marriage bed) was in 2008. At the time, Greg was a stay at home dad because I had grown so busy with all of the writing and speaking I’d been doing that we wanted to make sure at least one of us was available to our two children whenever needed. We both volunteered for this “role reversal,” but this meant I was feeling the burden of responsibility of being the sole breadwinner, at least temporarily. And boy, did I develop a new appreciation for men who carry that burden their whole lives just so their wives can stay home with the children! If you’re one of those women, GO HUG YOUR MAN RIGHT NOW!!!

When the economy went sour in 2008, most authors’ book sales went sour with it. Books are like Starbuck’s lattes… they’re an optional purchase that get carved out of the budget when folks have to tighten their belts. (and yes, Starbuck’s stock plummeted that year as well.)

So my income dropped by 50% from one royalty check to the other, and then six months later when the next check came it dropped by another 50%. If I told you that I’m going to cut your salary in HALF within six months, and then in HALF AGAIN in the next six months, you’d probably look for another job, huh?

But this ministry is my baby, so that wasn’t an option.

So we had to learn to drastically tighten our financial belts as well… and as a result, our sexual belts received some much-needed slack. Once we got a black-and-white game plan going strong, we were able to relax, exhale, and not spend our evening hours bickering over finances or worrying how we were going to manage. We were able to focus on loving and pleasuring each other again, which is what those bedtime hours are supposed to be all about!

In addition to cutting up our credit cards and establishing a “cash only” system for all purchases as I mentioned in the last Hot Tip, we also took Dave Ramsey’s advice and followed the first three baby steps of his “Seven Tip Plan for Financial Peace.”

First, we established a dedicated Emergency Fund, which is baby step #1. No more panicking when a car broke down or a refrigerator died. Some household expenses simply can’t be avoided, and to have to put stuff like that on a credit card and wonder how/when you’ll be able to pay that off created far more stress on the budget (and us) than necessary. We began with the minimum $1,000, and let it grow from there until we accumulated the 3-6 months of living expenses that Dave recommends in baby step #3. Now we can absorb expensive household emergencies with nothing more than a shrug and an “Oh, well. That’s life!” Even if Greg lost his job, or one of us was too injured to work for a while, or my royalty stream dried up even more, or I didn’t have a lot of speaking events on the calendar, we wouldn’t have to panic financially. Feels good. Feels VERY good.

Baby step #2 was to pay off ALL debt except our house. This wasn’t too terribly difficult for us because we never let credit card balances build up anyway, and we don’t mind driving moderate vehicles that we pay cash for so as to avoid car payments altogether. Our most recent car purchase earlier this year was a very nice 2004 Honda Accord with 120,000 miles (just getting broken in for a Honda) that we found for $11,000. Do you know how fantastic it feels to be able to write a check for a car and drive it off the lot with NO car payment looming over you? My daughter had a similar experience this year when a woman hit her and totaled her Scion. As she shopped for a replacement car, she was very determined NOT to spend more than the insurance company check she had in her hand, and after some shrewd negotiations she drove a 2005 Jetta of the lot for $10,000 cash and NO additional payments. That kind of financial freedom is absolutely priceless!

I guess to really understand the value of paying cash vs. carrying a loan on something, you have to understand interest rates. If you were to buy a $15,000 car with cash, you’d pay $15,000. But to finance that car for 4 years at 10% interest, your payments would be $380.44. Multiply that monthly payment times 48 months, and now you paid $18,261.12 for that car! Another scenario is what we do to ourselves when we go on a credit card shopping spree. Let’s say you charge $1,000 of clothes or household items to your credit card, and make a payment of $36.15 each month. Not only will it take you 3 years to pay that off, you’ll have paid 30% more for the merchandise considering the standard 18% interest rate most credit card companies charge. In fact, most companies require you only to pay such a LOW monthly payment, that you wind up accumulating interest faster than you reduce your balance, so you just keep getting deeper and deeper in debt, without even buying anything else at all!

So do yourself and your marriage a BIG favor! Cut those credit cards up, begin paying off all of your balances, establish a budget and a “cash only” system, and begin to SAVE rather than SPEND! Create some wiggle room in your life so that you can spend far less energy worrying about money, and spend far more energy investing in each other!

Wishing you tremendous financial peace,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

In an attempt to keep the Advent Season sacred, I’ll be taking the month of December off of blogging.

In the interim I’ll be sharing with you how Dave Ramsey saved our marriage and helped US find Financial Peace!

I’ll reconnect with you in January with some really EXCITING news!  (and no, I’m not pregnant!)

Hot Tip #70 – Get Financial Peace!

In previous Hot Tips I’ve talked about buying what makes you feel sexy (in reference to lingerie and most recently a pair of Target sandals that I affectionately call my “Heidi Klum shoes“). While it doesn’t hurt to spend a little money on yourself on occasion, and investing in your sexual relationship can reap tons of long-term interest in your marriage, today I want to take you in the opposite direction – toward saving instead of spending!

You might wonder, “What’s that got to do with sexual confidence?”

When I think back to the most sexually “dry” spell in our entire 21 years of marriage, I was surprised at what I realized. It wasn’t when we had little babies waking us up for feedings throughout the night… it wasn’t when I was going through six months of intense counseling to get to the root causes of so many of my issues… it was in 2008-2009 when the bottom dropped out of the economy and reeked havoc on many marriages, including mine.

I remember waiting until bedtime after the kids were out of earshot to begin asking questions of my C.P.A. husband, trying to develop survival strategies after he had no more fuel left in his mental gas tank. What did this do to our libido? It killed it completely. What did this do to our sleep? Threw a wrench into it. (Suggestion #1 – Talk about financial matters long before bedtime! The bedroom is for sex & sleep, not stress!)

What did all of this do to our marriage? Made it rocky for a while, until we took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University course at our church, which allowed us to transition from “stress” to “strength.” I’ve said many times, “Dave Ramsey saved our marriage.”

Since the economic crisis continues to loom large, my guess is that a lack of financial peace is still negatively affecting many couples’ marriages, including their marriage bed. So in the next few Hot Tips I want to share with you some of the things we did – some small, some BIG – to turn our financial picture around and bring peace back into our lives, marriage, and bedroom.

The first big adjustment we made is that we drastically changed the way we made all purchases. We used to put everything on a credit card because (a) we liked getting frequent flyer miles for every dollar spent, and (b) it allowed Greg to easily track every place our money went. However, we learned that there’s a dangerous mentality to swiping that credit card at every checkout stand, a mentality that says, “I’m not having to pay for this now… I’ll be able to pay for it later.” Which usually means you spend more. LOTS more. So even if you’re paying the balance off every month to avoid interest charges, you’re still spending more than you really need to.

But when you’re handing over hard cold cash, there’s more of a feeling of “stinginess.” We don’t want to let go of cash so easily. So we limit our purchases to the absolute necessities, allowing us to hold on to more of our cash. And this is a GREAT mentality to have!

So we got rid of every credit card except one that we use for business expenses, and one that we use for emergencies only. I purchased a special wallet that had an “envelope system” (available at www.daveramsey.com, or just make your own!) which allows you to set certain amounts of cash aside for certain monthly purchases. We sat down and established a set budget for things like groceries, clothing, dining out, household expenses, kids’ allowances, gifts, etc. At the beginning of every month, we’d take out ONLY as much cash as needed to replenish those envelopes.

The most important rule was: Once that money is gone, we stop spending! If we ran out of “dining out” money before the end of the month, we didn’t eat out until the following month. If we ran out of “grocery” money before the end of the month, I either had to borrow it from one of the other envelopes (like the “clothing” envelope) or I’d have to rummage through the deep freeze to put meals together (which I needed to do more often anyway).

Even taking just this first baby step brought tons of relief to our relationship. And in the coming Hot Tips, I’ll tell you how we’ve gone from just “relief” to “REJOICING” by establishing even more financial peace in our lives! So stay tuned…

Wishing YOU financial peace as well,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

As a life coach, I’m often contacted by wives in distress.  They’re seeking help for their dysfunctional marriage relationship, but they’re only bringing me half of the problem.  It takes TWO to tango… two to step on each other’s toes… and two to work things out.  Yet so often she explains, “My husband says he won’t see a counselor.”

WHY are men so unwilling to engage in any sort of outside therapeutic relationship when needed, even though they say they have every intention of staying married?

There could be lots of reasons for his hesitation, such as personal pride, the assumption that the problem is all her’s, fear of feeling “exposed,” the assumption that counselors are only for “sick” or “crazy” people, etc.

But I think most often, it boils down to one main thing.  In a man’s mind, being married and being emotionally available are often two SEPARATE things.  In a woman’s mind, the two are inseparable.  Thus the saying, “Men are waffles and women are spaghetti.”  By nature, men compartmentalize things in their mind and don’t let things overlap (such as the square pockets in a waffle), and women allow everything to blend together (such as spaghetti noodles on a plate).

Case in point:  A husband who looks at pornography will sometimes feel like “this has nothing to do with our marriage!  This is a completely separate thing!” whereas the wife more often feels like “this has everything to do with our marriage!  How can you think I wouldn’t be devastated by this?”

As a wife, you might not want to wait until strife and tension surface to inquire about your husband’s emotional commitment to you and to working out whatever issues may arise in the future.  For example, consider this excerpt from AOL.com Living:

Sure you may have a marriage commitment from your man, but do you have an emotional commitment? Emotional commitments are promises you and your partner make to one another about how you each plan to grow as an individual and as a couple. They are things you should talk about over and over again before you even get engaged. Here’s a list of the five basic emotional commitments:

• He is committed to learning everything he can about you.
• He is committed to always trying to be a better mate by actively working on improving himself and getting rid of any unhealthy emotional habits.
• He is committed to working hard to express his love through words and through affection, and to fulfill your needs.
• He is committed to doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work. He will work on problems by discussing them, and using books, tapes, counseling, or any other tools available to help your marriage.
• He is committed to staying emotionally open in your relationship. He will communicate his feelings to you, let you know what’s going on inside of him, and reach out, rather than push you away.

This type of understanding between the two of you when things are going well can make getting the help you need much easier when things aren’t going so well.  I’m sure most counselors and coaches agree with what I experience in my practice – that healing and relational success come much more quickly (an inexpensively) when BOTH husband and wife are fully involved in the process.

I’m so blessed to receive frequent emails and letters about the impact that one of my books or speaking engagements have had on someone’s life, but this one made me (and my husband) do triple backflips, so I wanted to share it with my readers, hoping that you’ll do triple backflips for “Helen” and her husband too!   Her name has been changed to protect her identity, as I feel certain she wouldn’t want her whole church knowing these intimate details of her sex life, but I’m honored that she shared them with me, and based on what she has written, I believe she wants me to share them with YOU as well!

Helen writes:

Shannon, you spoke at our church this past year.  I was one of the “older” gals in the crowd.  My husband and I have been married almost 50 years, and we’re probably considered the poster children for the “happily married couple.”  I wanted to share what happened to me at the retreat… 

I prayed that Friday morning that the Lord would use me and that I would be open to anything He wanted to teach me, then I went off to the retreat.

And then you showed up… 

If anyone had asked me, I would have said that my husband and I have a great sex life and have from the beginning of our marriage.  I had orgasms easily from the first day of our marriage.  We are fortunate in that we were both virgins and believers when we got married…

I thought our sex life was “normal” and better than a lot.  Yes, my husband seemed to want it all the time and yes, I was worn out during the child-rearing season so we did have plenty of those “not tonight” discussions during those years.  But I was always happy to “pay” him for help around the house with a “quickie” every so often.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

I keep asking myself that question.  Something major – MAJOR happened.  My menopause lasted many years, and I had several health issues and enough depression to warrant medication.  Unfortunately a side effect of the medication was that I could no longer have an orgasm.  Having never had that problem before, I begged God for the feeling to come back, to the point of tears, but eventually told God that I would be content with whatever I currently had or did not have.  I stopped the anti-depressants after a few months, but the ability to climax never returned.  My husband has also had some erectile dysfunction issues over the past decade, but we’ve operated under the premise that it’s always too soon to give up!  This has resulted in greater intimacy.  Even though all we had to offer each other sometimes was holding and kissing, we never gave up wanting all we could have with one another.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

Over 20 years ago my husband approached me about doing a little more experimenting.  By that he meant he wanted to have oral sex.  I was dead set against it.  It just seemed wrong to me.  I tried to explain that intimacy to me was face-to-face, mouth-to-mouth, etc.  We tried it a few times but I hated it and finally asked him not to bring it up again.  He graciously complied.  I mention all of this for two reasons:  (1) a person’s mental attitude is everything, and (2) as I have thought about this over the past few days, I believe my husband’s selflessness and not-insisting attitude communicated that he loved and respected me, and that however I felt about something was all right.  He wanted to please me more than he wanted to please himself and have sex the way he wanted it.  I believe his wonderful attitude contributed to the freedom that I experienced after your retreat…

SOMEHOW, BY GOD’S GRACE AND THE ANOINTING ON WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU SAY IT, God did something amazing.  I’m not sure what He did or if I even know which time you spoke or if it was an accumulation of what you said plus your book.   But it was like I had a curtain over my mind and suddenly God pulled the curtain back and set me free to FULLY enjoy myself and, though I had heard and believed the saying that “nothing is wrong between you and your mate if it is all right with both of you,” somehow, I now had a new GREEN LIGHT that God made these parts of our bodies for our enjoyment.  More to the point, it was alright for me to enjoy it ALL!  In fact, God delights in me enjoying myself.  After listening to you talk, I wanted to buy your book thinking it might help.  And I even felt free to buy the black copy of The Sexually Confident Wife – the one with sketches! 

My husband said I was different when I walked in the door after the retreat.

I am FREE and I can’t explain it except that God has done something MARVELOUS!  I came home and started reading the book out loud to my husband.  I got online and ordered some “special aids” from the Christian website you recommended [www.covenantspice.com].  Thank you for that.  WOW!  They have really helped.  We are having a summer of romance, for sure!  Except for when he’s out of town, we have only missed one day of sex since the retreat!  We’ve even done it 3 times in one day!  I have even begun having orgasms again for the first time in 20 years, and I have high hopes for many more to come! (pardon the pun!)

I felt I wanted to write to you, Shannon, because I want women to know that it is never too late to more fully enjoy one’s mate!  (even if she thinks she’s already enjoying him!)  I’m also telling you these very private things about us because the devil really loves to lie to people my age that “some things are over” and I would like for older women to be encouraged otherwise.

I told my husband the other day that often I feel like I am this special child God loves.  I was walking along minding my own business, showed up at the retreat expecting to be a blessing and to be blessed, but not even knowing the GREAT GIFT He was about to give me, or that I was even in need of anything, and HOW MUCH MORE FUN was ahead of me/us!!  I love God.  He is amazing and loves us SOOOOO much.  I have been surprised by JOY and I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough.

I can’t thank you enough either, Shannon.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  We believe you have a special anointing to talk about sexuality to all ages.  God bless you for doing what He has gifted you to do.  We are also reading Every Young Woman’s Battle because we’re sending copies to our granddaughters.  I can’t wait to discuss the book with them when we’re together!

Rejoicing,

Helen

As we celebrated Thanksgiving, it was great to verbalize some of the things we are so grateful for. We have a strong 20-year-and-counting marriage despite some very rocky early years… two sweet, smart, and stunningly beautiful children… an incredible support network of loving family and friends… work that we both enjoy and feel very fulfilled by… and the list goes on and on!

But there are some sentiments women need to express on occasion that simply can’t be shared around the dinner table, at least not when the whole family is gathered around it! What sentiments am I referring to?

Consider reminding your husband of a few sweet things like:

• Getting to be your sex partner is something I’m so thankful for!
• I love the way you look at me like you haven’t eaten in 10 days.
• Your soothing touch is the most healing thing in the world to me. I want more of it.
• Have I told you lately that you’re a great lover?
• You light my fire like no one else can. Wanna’ light it tonight?

Some of these may sound cheesy to you, so create your own! The important thing is that you VERBALIZE your gratitude for the many ways your husband allows you to be the Sexually Confident Wife that you are!

Wishing you a grateful heart,
-Shannon

(Part 5 – Let the Dancing Begin!)

Imagine a day when you wake up, and there are no negative emotions forming a dark cloud over your head.  There is no fear.  There is no anger.  There is no sadness.  The only thing that’s left to feel is… GLADNESS!

If you think about it, gladness and joy must have been God’s intention for us when He created us.  He placed the first man and woman in a perfect garden where all their needs were met.  Nourishing food was abundant, so they never worried where their next meal was coming from.  There was nothing to be stressed over, so their sleep was incredibly restful and restorative.  They experienced regular fellowship with their loving Creator, so their spiritual and emotional needs were completely provided for.  And they knew full-well that God’s blessing was all over their sex life, so there was no guilt, shame or condemnation in that department!  There was simply NO ROOM for fear or anger or sadness in their lives!  Adam and Eve carried only joy, peace, and contentment in their hearts as they diligently cared for God’s garden.  Of course, until sin entered in and changed the whole landscape of the human condition.

But just because humanity now comes part and parcel with fear, anger, and sadness on occasion, does that mean God never relieves us of these negative emotions?  Absolutely not!  God deeply desires for us to experience as much “Eden-living” as we can on this side of heaven!  And I know of no better way to do that than taking advantage of an opportunity to go away, get alone with God, and surrender all of your fear, anger, and sadness to Him – not just in a superficial, cliché, half-hearted way and hope for the best only to have it surface time and time again, but in a deep, soul-stirring, complete way!

And once you’ve emptied all of those negative emotions from our heart, soul, and mind, you’ll have cleared the path for TONS of God-given joy and gladness to come flooding in, invading every fiber of your being!  Seriously!  Pinkie-swear!  If I’m lyin’ then I’m dyin’!

Although words simply can’t describe this feeling of emotional euphoria, here’s a few excerpts from that day in my journaling…

Hooray!  The day I’ve been waiting for with eager anticipation!  Again, so much joy has been bubbling up inside me throughout the past few days already that I’ve had to push it back down to keep processing through the tough stuff!  Just carving out time to come away with you and begin this process, I’ve felt chains & shackles falling down around me, God — setting me FREE from all that’s been confusing me and weighing me down for so long.  But today is the day that I’m really going to DANCE and REJOICE over all the GOOD that has come from all of this!!!  For example, two of my greatest take-aways from the past couple of years are:

• Confidence.  I’ve held my ground as I’ve been challenged on occasion, and I’ve learned not to back down from my convictions about some very sensitive & taboo topics (particularly what’s “okay” and “not okay” in the marriage bed – thank you, Lord, that your Word makes it so clear that there is FREEDOM in the marriage bed!  Hallelujah!).  Boldness and confidence to preach the messages you’ve entrusted to me are precious gifts that I couldn’t have “purchased” anywhere else, so thank you that it came FREE to me through some of these incredibly painful situations with these individuals.
• A “Grace” Awakening!  Although the past couple of years have been hard with some hurtful criticism, I think it’s all helped me be a much better, more grace-based friend, minister, mom, and wife.  I’ve learned who I want to emulate, and who I don’t want to emulate.  I simply don’t want to be the kind of legalistic person that places unnecessary burdens on people’s backs and preaches that certain things are “sin” when you never said that, God!  Far be it from me to think that I have a more complete gospel message than YOU already presented to us!  Thank you for this revelation while my children are relatively young.  I’m thankful to still have time to really make a beautiful spiritual mark on them before they’ve flown from the nest.  I adore Erin & Matthew SO MUCH, and I just want them to walk through life KNOWING that they are loved, celebrated, and cherished regardless of their performance.  That they are forgiven and free, not bound my any chains of legalism or perfectionism.

Finally, Lord, I just want to say what a delightful feeling it is to have had he opportunity to process all of these feelings with you during these past 5 days.  I’ve felt very safe, very loved, very celebrated, very hopeful.  I leave very peaceful, very rested.  I believe I’ll have far more confidence next time I encounter [any of these individuals].  I don’t feel like I’m walking wounded, or bitter, or even bewildered any longer.  I’m not holding my breath waiting for an apology, or explanation, or blessing.  I’m done.  I’m free.  I’m focused on helping others stop their own spiritual bleeding now that I feel like mine is under control.  I know who I am in Christ.  It really doesn’t matter who I am in anyone else’s mind.  You are the only audience I’m concerned with.  May that always be the case.

Do you long for such peace, confidence, and clarity?  Then run away with the Lord and get some for yourself!  No one else can give it to you!  And keep in mind that you won’t find time to go through this kind of “soul work.”  You must make time.   It is hard work, but I simply can’t imagine a more worthy investment of time and energy!  My husband would say the same thing after living with a much more “peaceful Shannon” over the past several days.  Heck, he may want to send me away on a 5-day sabbatical every month!  (Just joking, kids!  Don’t panic!)

Seriously, please join me in prayer that these peaceful feelings stay around our home for a long time to come, and I’ll pray that they invade your space and linger in your heart and home as well.

Dancing up a storm,

Shannon

First, I want to thank everyone who has sent an email, or made a phone call, or posted a comment to affirm this blog series.  I’m absolutely delighted to be “touching a nerve” in many of you, because it gives me hope that you’ll soon be walking in the same emotional freedom that I’ve been basking in since my return from my own 5-day “mad-sad-glad” sabbatical.

So what was my next step?  Diving into the depths of my personal sadness.

In all honesty, transitioning from “anger” to “sadness” was much more of a challenge than I’d anticipated.  I felt such a release after blowing up like I did the night before, that I simply didn’t feel as if I had it in me to be sad all day.  So I gave myself a break and spent a few hours that next afternoon enjoying a bike ride and dining by myself at one of my favorite restaurants.  (NOTE:  It is OKAY to be GOOD to yourself on this sabbatical!  The emotional processing can be so draining that you’ll NEED special little things like quality recreation time, fresh air and sunshine, comfort food, etc.  Dark chocolate was my little reward each day!)

But that evening, I knew I needed to buckle down and DO what I was there to do, so that I wouldn’t continue battling these emotions so fervently on a day to day basis.  So I prayed, “Lord, help me tap into the sadness that’s been following me around these past couple of years, and put it all into a nice little package so that I can finally lay it at your feet.”

Then I sat down with my laptop and began…

I’m sad.  I’m sad that this kind of feuding is even going on in the body of Christ at all.  It gives us such a bad name, both inside & outside the church.  For your sake and for mine, I’m letting it all go.  I’m placing it all into your hands.

You know what’s best, and you’re the only impartial enough judge to not choose sides in this matter.  It’s been difficult not to secretly want people to choose sides (my side!), and those that have come forward and voiced their support have been an elixir to my weary soul.  But it also fuels my pride and re-opens the wound time and time again.

God, how many times can a scab get picked off?  How long before the dang thing heals and is no longer vulnerable to bleeding?  That’s what I feel like – like I’ve been walking around for over 2 years, spiritually GUSHING blood everywhere, and wondering why no one can recognize it or understand what the hell is wrong with me.  I’m LOSING SPIRITUAL BLOOD!  I’m weak!  I’m traumatized!  I’m shattered and broken.  I’ve wanted to wither up and die at times, completely forgetting how loved and blessed I am by you and what an incredible reason that is to keep on living!

But as I type these words, I wonder if rather than “losing spiritual blood,” you’ve actually been giving me a spiritual blood transfusion – pumping healthier blood through my veins to replace the dysfunctional, diseased blood that had been coursing through me for so long!  If that’s the case, Lord, then I can only rejoice and thank you.  You are indeed the “Great Physician!”

…I must love [these individuals] deeply or else this wouldn’t all hurt so badly, right?  The ones you’re closest to have the power to wound you the most?  But being so addicted to their approval has been a silent cancer eating away at my soul, and to not have that approval has created “withdrawal pains” like I’ve never experienced before.  Forgive me, Lord, for craving anyone’s approval other than Yours.

…Finally, I’m sad for my own family and friends.  I know how they’ve not had an easy time of it watching me walk wounded and licking my sore pride.  I’ve tried to put on a happy face, and I suspect they’ve seen right through it.  May they see an entirely different woman from now on, Lord – an example of GRACE, FREEDOM, and POWER that comes from YOU ALONE!

…And now I’ll step back into the sunroom, face those three empty chairs, and express my sadness to these imaginary [people].

And indeed, that’s what I did.  I faced those same three empty chairs again, but this time my heart was in a completely different place.  I wasn’t angry.  I didn’t want to yell and scream and throw pillows.  I just wanted to cry.  In fact, I sobbed harder than I have in along time – like chest-heaving-wailing-out-loud-snot-pouring-all-over-my-face type of crying.  I should have purchased stock in Kleenex before going on this retreat.

But midstream, I noticed something quite profound — I realized that I wasn’t just crying for me and my pain, but also for them and their pain.  In fact, the sadness that I felt FOR them was even greater than the sadness that I felt as a result of them.  I know they’ve had a terrible time over the past couple of years as well, and as their sister in Christ, it only felt appropriate to grieve their losses and challenges as well as my own.  Even if our relationships are so broken that directly communicating my sadness on their behalf isn’t possible, I still have to acknowledge that this sadness for them is there inside my soul, and it is very real to me.  As real as my own.

Have you ever taken the time to consider the source of your pain – not just WHO the person is and HOW they’ve upset you so badly, but WHY they think, feel, and act the way they do?  When you consider what some have experienced in life, you simply can’t help but forgive them for their faults.  The recovery slogan is true — “It’s hurting people who hurt people.”

I’m not saying you have to overlook the hurts, or excuse them, or deny the pain they’ve caused (as if you could).  I’m just saying that our own souls can never find complete rest until we’ve exercised forgiveness of others.  Burdens of bitterness are far too heavy to drag through life, so laying them down only makes sense.

Exercising forgiveness is like any other exercise — it’s a choice we must consciously make, and it requires focused effort.  But oh, the payoff of such exercise is grand!  WE fare even better than the beneficiary of our forgiveness.  We build spiritual muscles that enhance our character and relationships (with God, others, and self).  As Ghandi said, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

How about you?  Do you want to be weak or strong?  Will you choose a “bitter land” or a “better land?”  It’s okay to lick your wounds for a while, girlfriend.  You’re only human.  But don’t forget that your wounds are only part of the equation.  Those on the other end have their own wounds as well, and we need to be all about binding up the broken-hearted – even if the broken-hearted feels more like an enemy than a friend at times.

If you’re ready to release your own sadness, try making a list of ALL the things you are sad about.  Make note of every relational wound you’ve experienced.  Dedicate an entire hour to the process, or longer if necessary.

Once complete, review your list and ask yourself:

1. Is there a common pattern to these wounds?
2. Do they come from the same type of person over and over?
3. Do I recall feeling this way during childhood?  If so, how did I cope with it then, or have I ever coped with this particular emotion at all?
4. What’s the other part of the equation here?  What kind of sadness could the others involved be experiencing themselves?
5. Could these other people be walking as wounded as I am?
6. Could they need the same mercy, grace, and unconditional love that I need myself?
7. Might God be putting me in a position to show demonstrate these attributes to them?  Or if this isn’t possible, can I at least embrace these attitudes in my own heart?

Let all of these revelations fuel a more balanced prayer life.  Don’t just focus on yourself and your own sadness as you pray.  Lift others up, especially those who’ve wounded you.  It’s really hard to stay mad at anyone that you’re sincerely praying for.

Wishing you emotional freedom as you let your own tears of sadness fall,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

www.shannonethridge.com