Shannon Ethridge's Blog

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Verbal Poison

“My husband and I argue all the time and it can get pretty intense. But what is normal in arguing and when does it cross the line into verbal abuse?”

Disagreements in marriage are entirely normal. If you never disagree, check your pulse for signs of life. Disagreements can quickly turn into disasters, however, if we don’t draw verbal and emotional boundary lines. As the Bible warns in James 3:8, the tongue can be a “restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

Even in the absence of physical blows, tremendous mental, emotional, and spiritual blows can hurt – and those can take years longer to heal. Couples should avoid:

1. Screaming, cursing, or name-calling
2. Constant criticism or frequent humiliation
3. Acting jealous or possessive to block healthy relationships with others
4. Incessant calling during work hours just to argue
5. Threatening to harm them, their loved ones, their pets, or their belongings
6. Verbally throwing their past up in their face even though forgiveness was previously extended
7. Belittling or minimizing the other partner’s concerns about the relationship, or blaming the other person entirely

This list isn’t exhaustive, but should give you a measuring stick to gauge if arguments are crossing the line. If you’re doing any of these, stop. If your husband does them, calmly call a time out until you both feel more in control of your emotions. Verbal & emotional abuse can’t be underestimated. It can be just as destructive (if not more so) to a relationship as physical violence.

If you (or a friend) need to talk to someone about this issue, search online for a domestic violence prevention hotline or women’s shelter in your local area.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage (click here to order)

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick (WaterBrook Press)

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage To Make Us Holy More Than To Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas (Zondervan)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Moving Beyond Sexual Abuse

“Every sexual experience brings up bitter memories of childhood sexual abuse. Is it possible to have a happy marriage without sex?”

To have a happy marriage, both individuals need to be happy.  Would your husband really be satisfied with a sexless marriage?  Wouldn’t you both be happier if you could heal the scars of sexual abuse and enjoy a healthy sex life together?

With one-third of women having experienced sexual abuse, many have walked wounded in the area of sexuality, myself included. But rather than withdrawing from my husband, I managed to invite him into my healing process.  When I tearfully told Greg how disgusted I felt by my uncle’s mustache when he forced me to kiss him, Greg gently asked, “Is that why you don’t kiss me as often since I grew a mustache?” I hadn’t made the connection. The next morning Greg shaved his mustache off, and we caught up on months of missed kisses. Very healing.

Be sure to let your husband know your struggle isn’t with him, but with unresolved trauma from past sexual abuse.  Discuss ways that you might feel more safe and secure.  For example:

• Incorporate relaxation techniques as foreplay, such as lighting a candle and praying while in each other’s arms or taking a hot bath together.
• Leave the lights on.  Make the visual connection that you’re with your husband who loves you, not someone who wants to harm you.
• Use a non-offensive code word (such as “red light” or “molasses”) if you begin to feel negatively about a certain activity and want him to stop.  His willingness to do so will help you re-establish a sense of safety as your boundaries are respected.

Don’t let your sexual abuser continue robbing you of the joy, passion, and pleasure that God intendeds both you and your husband to enjoy.  Seek professional counseling if needed. You were a victim once, but you don’t have to be anymore.

Recommended Reading:

The Sexually Confident Wife (click here to order)

Why Do I Feel Like Hiding?:  How to Overcome Shame and Guilt by Daniel Green & Mel Lawrenz (Baker Books)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Dealing with a Passive Partner

“My husband is so passive that he makes Jell-O look stiff. How can I get him to take charge?”

Remember the “which came first – the chicken or the egg” question? It’s worth asking, “Which came first? Do I take charge because he’s so passive, or is he so passive because I take charge?”  Unfortunately, we often create the exact behavior we abhor.

To visualize how this dynamic can be changed, imagine a see-saw. One side is the “assertive” side and the other is the “passive” side.  The further you venture out on the assertive side, the further he’ll venture out on the passive side to maintain balance. However, the more you venture toward the middle, the more he’ll naturally do the same.

What would “venturing toward the middle” look like?

Rather than:  You pick the restaurant. I’m tired of making all the choices.

Try:  Let’s go to one of your favorites.  What are you hungry for?

Instead of:  Why can’t you take initiative in the house?

Try:  I have three honey-do’s I could use your help with, and #3 is to let me give you a back massage to thank you for doing #1 and #2.

Rather than:  Why haven’t you paid these bills yet?  Can I not trust you?

Try:  I see some bills piling up.  Do you need extra time this weekend to get caught up?

You get the idea.  Next time you’re tempted to take charge when you really want him to, remember Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. She didn’t require his leadership by stepping all over his toes. She inspired him to lead by simply following along gracefully.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage by Shannon & Greg Ethridge (click here to order)

Woman Power by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (HarperCollins)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Is Low Sex-Drive a “Generational Curse?”

Bill from Philadelphia writes:

“Hey, Shannon, I have a question I’ve never heard asked or answered.  Can low sex drive (or NO sex drive) in a woman (or man) be a generational curse?  You know, the Bible talks about curses running through families.  My wife has an extremely low sex drive and so did her mother and grandmother.  It’s created a lot of problems as you can imagine.”

Dear Bill:

I’ve never heard of low sex drive being a generational curse, especially since no woman is particularly mentioned in the Bible as having a low sex drive (although I guess some of them could have).  I assume by your question you’re referring to the following passage of Scripture:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  (Exodus 20:4-6)

Although it’s easy to read this passage and tremble in fear over what “generational curses” we (or our spouse) may have inherited, I want to call your attention to the words following that foreboding statement:  “…of those who hate me, but showing LOVE to a THOUSAND generations of those who love me…”  The reason why this last part of the sentence is so key is because as believers in Christ Jesus, all generational curses are completely broken!  We do NOT suffer punishment for the sins of generations past.

The reality is that sometimes we give Satan too much credit or try to spiritualize something that’s actually very humanly-driven.  By nature, human beings are drawn to the familiar, and if it was familiar for a woman to grow up around other women with low sex drives, low self-esteem, victim mentalities, etc., it’s only natural that she will gravitate that direction too.

But the good news is that learned behavior can also be unlearned.  Women developing new, healthier patterns of relating sexually within marriage is exactly what this ministry is all about, so I hope your wife will visit both our websites (www.shannonethridge.com and www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com) and check out a few of the books and other blogs for inspiration!  I’d particularly recommend The Sexually Confident Wife book! 

It’s the time of year that I enjoy the least – when Old Man Winter comes and steals the leaves off the trees, and steals my mojo as a result!  The sun doesn’t kiss our bare skin for months at a time… our legs don’t get shaven for weeks at a time… and we can go for days at a time without wanting sex at all.

Why?  Because we’re COLD, dang it!

I recently read in a book called The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. that women simply can’t orgasm when they are cold.  No, it’s not just in your head, Ladies – it’s a biological fact!  Orgasm requires mental focus and concentration, as well as physical relaxation – both of which are next to impossible when we are shivering like Eskimos.

SO, here are a few practical tips to keep you WARM so you can keep things HOT between you and hubby all winter long:

1. Put a space heater in your room about an hour before bedtime to bring the temperature up to comfortable levels.
2. Do some light exercises at the end of the day – a few jumping jacks or sit ups — just enough to get your blood circulation going to warm your body naturally.
3. Take a HOT shower or bath right before bed, such that the cooler air is a welcome relief!
4. Get creative with what kind of pajamas you wear to bed, such as button-up pajama tops that make certain body parts accessible to him while keeping other parts (shoulders, back, arms) warm.
5. Get creative with your covers, such as making a “tent” using your knees as tent poles, but draping the blanket such that certain parts of your anatomy are within reach.  (If we can do it for the OB/GYN, we can do it for our husbands!)
6. It may not be his idea of the sexiest look, but keep your fuzzy socks on if necessary!  Feet are the body part that’s most prone to cold because of the distance blood is required to travel to keep them warm.
7. Heat a bottle of lotion in the microwave and ask your husband for a hot foot massage or back rub.  I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be obliged if he knew where you were headed with the idea!

Wishing you a mild winter and a not-so-mild marriage bed!

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com
www.shannonethridge.com

I’m sure you’ve seen the magazines at the grocery store checkout counter and wondered the same thing I have — What is it with Kim Kardashian pulling the plug on marriage SO quickly?

While we can only speculate, this current event inspired one of my BLAST participants, Rebecca Larson, to pen the following blog post.  Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your insightful words of encouragement for all of us gals, both married and single!

—————————————

Kim Kardashian posted a note to her fans today on her website and it struck a chord with me.

… First and foremost I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this…Everyone knows I am a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon. I believe in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people… I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t ready to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for… I’m sorry if I hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

I do not have first hand experience with what she said, but my husband does, so I wanted to share a little bit about his story.

Back in 2002, my husband thought he had found the girl of his dreams. Physically, she was everything he had ever wanted. Emotionally, they clicked. Spiritually, she was a beautiful reflection of Christ and His love. So, a couple months after entering into a relationship with her, my husband asked his dream girl to marry him. She said yes and they spent a little over a year planning an extravagant and fairy tale like wedding.

Just three months after pledging to spend their lives together, my husband was devastated by his bride’s decision to leave the marriage. He begged and pleaded, offered to go to counseling and even got desperate and dramatic, but her mind was made up. She had to “follow her heart.” She gave a lot of different reasons to my husband and her friends and acquaintances, but in the end, I believe it was just as Kim said. You get caught up and then can’t find a way to end it.

Almost all little girls dream about our wedding day. We think about the dress we will wear and the flowers we will hold. We imagine the perfect man waiting for us at the altar, but, in our imaginations, we rarely go beyond that special moment. We don’t dream about blending our life with the life of another human being. We don’t fantasize about morning breath or toe nail clippings. We love the idea of being swept off of our feet but do we love the idea of truly doing life with another person day in and day out?

My husband told me a thousand times while we were engaged, “plan for the marriage, not just the wedding.” He had learned his lesson and was wiser for it. His heart ached for a long time. He felt duped by the girl of his dreams (who turned out to be anything but) and forsaken by the God that he served faithfully. However, when I met my husband in the summer of 2006 (two years after dream girl left), he was a strong man who had been refined by the fire and understood what it meant to pledge forever.

We have to slow things down. We have to be prayerful about all things; especially huge, life altering decisions like marriage. We can’t give up easily. We have to know what kind of commitment we are making and stick to it. Trust me, you will be blessed.

We live in a society that stresses fierce independence and dogged self absorption, but that won’t get us anywhere. Love cannot be displayed, given or received in a world full of people who only care about themselves. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Sometimes following our hearts, as much as we think it will make us feel better, is absolutely the wrong thing to do; especially when we have hardened our hearts to God’s loving regulations for our lives.

Divorce, in this situation (in the absence of marital unfaithfulness or any sort of abuse), is sin. There are consequences for sin. Ask dream girl. I don’t know her personally, but we have mutual friends and I know that it was a long road toward restoration and wholeness for her. God loves his children and just as a human parent disciplines their own child, so does God. Revelation 3:19a says “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.” Not everything that is good for us, whether it is being disciplined or sticking it out and working very hard to make a relationship work, is pain free, pleasant and enjoyable. In fact, I would go as far to say that the things in my life that have been the most painful, unpleasant and unenjoyable are the same things that have made me into all of the good things that I am today. (Check out Hebrews 12)

My heart is broken over this news about Kim Kardashian. Anytime a heart is broken and a marriage is ended, it is sad. It is hard to imagine that kind of pain. But you know what? My God is a God of love, forgiveness and restoration. God loves Kim K. and His heart is aching right along with hers.

He loves you as well! In all of your struggles and sin and bad decisions and heartache, He longs for restoration for you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

If you are struggling right now; if you feel like you have made a mistake and simply got caught up in the loveliness of an idea, know that if you follow Him, He can make it work. If you are currently on that roller coaster and feel like it is too late to get off (engaged and not yet married), know that it is not too late. Slow down and plan for your life together. Think about the devastation you will leave behind if you wait any longer than you really should.

In the end, it all boils down to making the choice to simply love – unconditionally. We are loved deeply by the Originator and Creator of love. There is nothing we have done or can do that will ever change that. It is a matter of accepting His love first, and then turning around and sharing that love with your marriage partner.

I’m so blessed to receive frequent emails and letters about the impact that one of my books or speaking engagements have had on someone’s life, but this one made me (and my husband) do triple backflips, so I wanted to share it with my readers, hoping that you’ll do triple backflips for “Helen” and her husband too!   Her name has been changed to protect her identity, as I feel certain she wouldn’t want her whole church knowing these intimate details of her sex life, but I’m honored that she shared them with me, and based on what she has written, I believe she wants me to share them with YOU as well!

Helen writes:

Shannon, you spoke at our church this past year.  I was one of the “older” gals in the crowd.  My husband and I have been married almost 50 years, and we’re probably considered the poster children for the “happily married couple.”  I wanted to share what happened to me at the retreat… 

I prayed that Friday morning that the Lord would use me and that I would be open to anything He wanted to teach me, then I went off to the retreat.

And then you showed up… 

If anyone had asked me, I would have said that my husband and I have a great sex life and have from the beginning of our marriage.  I had orgasms easily from the first day of our marriage.  We are fortunate in that we were both virgins and believers when we got married…

I thought our sex life was “normal” and better than a lot.  Yes, my husband seemed to want it all the time and yes, I was worn out during the child-rearing season so we did have plenty of those “not tonight” discussions during those years.  But I was always happy to “pay” him for help around the house with a “quickie” every so often.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

I keep asking myself that question.  Something major – MAJOR happened.  My menopause lasted many years, and I had several health issues and enough depression to warrant medication.  Unfortunately a side effect of the medication was that I could no longer have an orgasm.  Having never had that problem before, I begged God for the feeling to come back, to the point of tears, but eventually told God that I would be content with whatever I currently had or did not have.  I stopped the anti-depressants after a few months, but the ability to climax never returned.  My husband has also had some erectile dysfunction issues over the past decade, but we’ve operated under the premise that it’s always too soon to give up!  This has resulted in greater intimacy.  Even though all we had to offer each other sometimes was holding and kissing, we never gave up wanting all we could have with one another.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

Over 20 years ago my husband approached me about doing a little more experimenting.  By that he meant he wanted to have oral sex.  I was dead set against it.  It just seemed wrong to me.  I tried to explain that intimacy to me was face-to-face, mouth-to-mouth, etc.  We tried it a few times but I hated it and finally asked him not to bring it up again.  He graciously complied.  I mention all of this for two reasons:  (1) a person’s mental attitude is everything, and (2) as I have thought about this over the past few days, I believe my husband’s selflessness and not-insisting attitude communicated that he loved and respected me, and that however I felt about something was all right.  He wanted to please me more than he wanted to please himself and have sex the way he wanted it.  I believe his wonderful attitude contributed to the freedom that I experienced after your retreat…

SOMEHOW, BY GOD’S GRACE AND THE ANOINTING ON WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU SAY IT, God did something amazing.  I’m not sure what He did or if I even know which time you spoke or if it was an accumulation of what you said plus your book.   But it was like I had a curtain over my mind and suddenly God pulled the curtain back and set me free to FULLY enjoy myself and, though I had heard and believed the saying that “nothing is wrong between you and your mate if it is all right with both of you,” somehow, I now had a new GREEN LIGHT that God made these parts of our bodies for our enjoyment.  More to the point, it was alright for me to enjoy it ALL!  In fact, God delights in me enjoying myself.  After listening to you talk, I wanted to buy your book thinking it might help.  And I even felt free to buy the black copy of The Sexually Confident Wife – the one with sketches! 

My husband said I was different when I walked in the door after the retreat.

I am FREE and I can’t explain it except that God has done something MARVELOUS!  I came home and started reading the book out loud to my husband.  I got online and ordered some “special aids” from the Christian website you recommended [www.covenantspice.com].  Thank you for that.  WOW!  They have really helped.  We are having a summer of romance, for sure!  Except for when he’s out of town, we have only missed one day of sex since the retreat!  We’ve even done it 3 times in one day!  I have even begun having orgasms again for the first time in 20 years, and I have high hopes for many more to come! (pardon the pun!)

I felt I wanted to write to you, Shannon, because I want women to know that it is never too late to more fully enjoy one’s mate!  (even if she thinks she’s already enjoying him!)  I’m also telling you these very private things about us because the devil really loves to lie to people my age that “some things are over” and I would like for older women to be encouraged otherwise.

I told my husband the other day that often I feel like I am this special child God loves.  I was walking along minding my own business, showed up at the retreat expecting to be a blessing and to be blessed, but not even knowing the GREAT GIFT He was about to give me, or that I was even in need of anything, and HOW MUCH MORE FUN was ahead of me/us!!  I love God.  He is amazing and loves us SOOOOO much.  I have been surprised by JOY and I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough.

I can’t thank you enough either, Shannon.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  We believe you have a special anointing to talk about sexuality to all ages.  God bless you for doing what He has gifted you to do.  We are also reading Every Young Woman’s Battle because we’re sending copies to our granddaughters.  I can’t wait to discuss the book with them when we’re together!

Rejoicing,

Helen

While Valentine’s Day is all about ROMANCE, many couples in my life coaching practice are struggling with HOW to create romance when the realities of their relationship are stealing the wind right out of their romantic sails.,

But does everything have to be hunky-dory in your marriage to put your stress on a shelf for one day and celebrate the fact that you are still TOGETHER? If so, Valentine’s Day will soon become a thing of the past and Hallmark will certainly go out of business!,

If relational difficulties are currently raining on your “we have the perfect marriage!” parade, I want to introduce you to an article written by my own personal life coach, Dwight Bain. I pray it will inspire you to embrace all that you can’t erase in your marriage, and celebrate BOTH the tender and the tough parts of your relationship.,

Remember, marriage is messy. There’s no way around it. But the rich rewards of cultivating a relationship that can be relied upon — through thick and thin, good and bad, poverty and wealth, sickness and health — are worth it!,

Wishing you a wonderful Valentine’s Day,
Shannon

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

Special thanks to Donald Miller for crafting this blog, and to Terrica Smith for calling it to my attention.

When Solomon wrote Song of Songs, a dramatic opera about a young, poor woman who fell in love with a Shepherd king, do you think he had “the voice of the church” in his head? Do you think he was worried about what a group of people might think? Of course the evangelical church didn’t exist, then, and neither did the collective evangelical consciousness, but what I mean by that question is that if Solomon were writing today, and were writing an Opera for young kids about the ways of love, he would no doubt be attacked. My guess is the criticisms would be listed as such:

1. His opera does not mention God. Why wouldn’t he use this opportunity to bring people to God? He’s a Godless man.

2. His opera is erotic, filled with sexual imagery and even sexual instruction. It’s unfitting for any person to read, much less young couples.

3. It’s confusing. We don’t know where the acts begin. It isn’t structured. It’s amature.

4. He never mentions sex should be saved till marriage, so he must be endorsing pre-marital sex.

5. There seems to be no point to the work. If he’s trying to teach something, you can’t figure out what it is, and if he isn’t trying to teach something, what’s the point of reading it or listening to it as an opera?

And so on and so on.

Here’s the point of this blog post: There is a difference between what “the church” wants you to do and what God wants you to do. Do what God wants you to do. Go and create, even as you were made to create.

If you replaced “Song of Solomon” with “The Sexually Confident Wife” you’d know what kind of response I received from a handful of attendees from the First Self-Righteous Church.

We chose to ignore them and press on with the message of “embracing and enjoying healthy sexual intimacy in marriage” that God stirred up in us, regardless of what a few “church ladies” had to say about it.

I think the picture below will give you a chuckle