Shannon’s SCW Blog

So far this month, we’ve been covering some pretty “sticky subjects” – whether teens should be given sex toys (as suggested on a recent Oprah show), and whether masturbation is morally wrong or perfectly normal. (Be sure to read Stanley Leffew’s great response on that blog – he’s an amazing writer with tremendous insight!)

In keeping with our “sticky subjects” theme, I thought it would be beneficial to toss this scenario out into cyberspace and get your feedback…

Mike E-mailed:

I bought your Sexually Confident Wife book for my wife. She got mad at me! She agreed to read if I would read a book on how to be happy!  I said yes, sure. The book stayed in her night stand. I’ve taken it out and she hasn’t said anything about it being gone so I know she hasn’t read it and she hasn’t given me my happiness book. Any suggestions?

My initial answer:

So sorry your efforts to help your wife haven’t been received as you intended.  My best suggestion is for you not to wait for HER to give YOU a book – get it yourself and show her you’re really interested in becoming the man she needs to help her reconnect with her sexual side. I’d encourage you to get a copy of Every Man’s Marriage: A Man’s Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman (available at www.fredstoeker.com).  When she sees you learning how to meet her emotional needs and applying that knowledge, I pray she’ll be inspired to learn more about how to meet your sexual needs.

Mike’s initial response:

We have been married 19 years and sex has always been a struggle with her. She admits that she is FRIGID (her words) BUT will not read anything or see any counselors. What am I suppose to do?  I told her that if she would have sex for a month anytime I wanted that I would be there for her emotionally like she wouldn’t believe. She agreed, but lasted about a week. We scheduled sex once, but she made me feel really great by saying, “If you want to have sex let’s go ahead and do it. I’ve got stuff I need to do.” She disrobed in front of me for the first time in years, then fussed at me for wanting to get an eyeful. Since that one time, she has always had something come up on our scheduled day. I really don’t know what else to do? I’m going to tell her that unless she does some of the things I’ve asked (counseling, books, discussion forums, etc.) that I will not stay married to her after the kids are out of school. I may ask her to move out of our bedroom too!

My secondary answer:

I can understand why you’d feel frustrated with her lack of sexual interest, but with all due respect, it sounds like you’re REQUIRING something from her that you can only INSPIRE in her.  You say, “If you meet my sexual needs for a month, I’ll meet your emotional needs,” but that sounds more like a bribe than genuine intimacy.  I’d suggest you get the book I recommended (Every Man’s Marriage) and work on meeting her emotional needs FIRST, not as bribery for sex, but because you’re the leader, because you love her and want her to feel safe, to feel sexy, to feel secure in the marriage relationship.  No woman will ever want to be sexual with someone that she doesn’t feel safe and secure with, and for some reason (based on what you’ve shared) it sounds to me like she’s struggling with safety and security as much as with her sex drive. Gently and patiently exploring what may be causing those feelings in her (past sexual abuse, body image issues, etc.) may get you a lot farther than making further sexual demands that she’s not inspired to fulfill.

What’s YOUR answer?

I’d love to hear your response to the issue of “frigidity” or “mismatched sex drives,” especially since so many couples struggle in this area. Perhaps even your own marriage has fallen into this trap at times. If so, what did you do to get out of that rut and reconnect with each other? What kind of advice would you give to Mike? What kind of advice would you give to Mike’s wife?

As usual, we’d love to hear from BOTH men AND women!

Wishing you much inspiration in your marriage,

Shannon

17 comments

I had no idea when I created last week’s blog about “Teens & Sex Toys: A Sticky Subject” that such a debate would be sparked! We’ve been both overwhelmed and entertained by the number of responses we received via the blog, facebook, and our web community. Thanks to all of you (on BOTH sides of the issue) who shared some great thoughts and words of wisdom!

But the debate seems to have evolved. At first the issue was whether or not parents should participate in Dr. Laura Berman’s “Toys for Tots” program (sorry, but I couldn’t resist cracking that joke), providing vibrators to their teenage daughters to keep them from becoming sexually active with boys. But now folks seem to be fussing more about the act of masturbation itself – is it morally wrong, or perfectly normal?

My answer to that question? Not everything is one way or the other – right or wrong, black or white, good or bad. Varying shades of gray do exist, and fortunately God has given us the intellect to think these things through and come to responsible conclusions about what we feel would be right or wrong for each of us as individuals (also known as “personal conviction”).

So let’s look at the issue of masturbation through BOTH lenses for a moment…

If I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is perfectly OKAY, I could press the following points:

• Scripture doesn’t mention the issue of masturbation at all, so God must not have too much of an issue with it or else surely He’d have mentioned it.
• Sure, the Bible warns against sexual immorality, adultery, lusting after someone else’s spouse, putting vile things before our eyes, etc. but one could make the case that masturbation could physically be accomplished apart from all of those things. (In case you are wondering, the story of “Onan” had nothing to do with masturbation, but the sin of shirking family responsibilities by spilling his seed on the ground instead of impregnating his wife).
• I could insist that God created us as sexual beings, and surely expects us to have these desires fulfilled when they arise or else He wouldn’t have “wired” us this way.
• I could point to how common of an issue this is among human beings (quoting studies that say something like 96% of people masturbate, and the other 4% are lying about it) and accuse society of simply trying to suppress our sexuality by discouraging masturbation.

But if I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is NOT OKAY, I could press these points:

• It’s impossible for a single person to masturbate without entertaining sexual fantasies about someone they aren’t married to, and that is clearly discouraged in Scripture (see Matthew 5).
• Masturbating rather than exercising self-control is like throwing gasoline on your own sexual fire – you’re only going to want more, and more, and go to greater and greater lengths to satisfy your sexual cravings when you’ve not learned to exercise self-control and delay sexual gratification.
• I could say that a married person is robbing their spouse of sexual and relational fulfillment when, rather than reaching out to share that pleasure, they “take matters into their own hands” instead.
• I could quote from a plethora of emails I receive from women who feel so deeply betrayed by husbands who would rather have sex by themselves than invest the time and energy required to connect with her.

I don’t think anyone could argue with any of these points – they are ALL valid! So if Scripture doesn’t spell it out, and a solid case can be made for both sides of the issue, how are we supposed to know? That’s where prayer comes in. Instead of consulting a black-and-white rule book or following a prescribed formula, perhaps we need to simply spend time with God and ask Him directly about our unique situations. I assure you, He’s interested in helping us figure out what’s best, because He wants the best for us.

For example, one woman emailed recently saying that her husband had been deployed overseas for several months, and it would be several more before he’d be coming home. She explained, “He told me he would completely understand if I felt the need to satisfy myself while he was gone, and as I’ve prayed about it, I don’t feel that God would be displeased with me at all, especially if I’m only thinking of my husband during the act.” Perhaps someone else would feel justified throwing a stone at this woman, but I wouldn’t. Two weeks apart would have me climbing walls. I can’t imagine two years of complete abstinence.

So masturbation is okay for all married people as long as they only think of their spouse? I wouldn’t go that far. Personally, we’ve chosen for many years to have a “no masturbation” rule in our marriage. If one is feeling frisky, the ideal scenario is for them to reach out and “share the love” rather than being selfish with it. Have we ever broken the rule? Sure. But we confess, ask forgiveness, and reconnect with the real purpose of our sexual desires – to bring us closer to each other, and ultimately closer to God as we submit to His perfect plan of husbands and wives freely sharing their minds, bodies, hearts, and souls with one another – all without guilt, shame, or inhibition. Instead of individual intensity, we strive for genuine intimacy, or IN-TO-ME-SEE, because that’s far more fulfilling than just physical pleasure alone.

But what about for teens & singles? I do believe there’s a lot to be said for saving your sexual energies for your spouse someday. I know, that’s easy for a married woman who can have sex anytime she wants to say. But here’s my reasoning: You train your body as to what it finds pleasurable. If you walk into a marriage so addicted to masturbation that you would rather withdraw privately for your sexual satisfaction than share that passion and pleasure with your spouse, there’s something wrong with that picture.

So then we get into the issue of “addiction.” When is masturbation an “addiction,” and when is it a normal biological drive? After years of counseling teens & singles, I’ll let you in on my elaborate scientific method for determining the difference. I look at the answer to one question: How long can you go without giving in to your masturbatory desires? If someone tells me they go for weeks or months before “caving in,” I don’t get too worried. They obviously have the thought/desire more often than that, but they are usually able to exercise self-control. An occasional slip up simply means they are human. The vast majority of the time, they rule over their sexual desires, not vice-versa. However, if they tell me they masturbate often with little self-control (several times a week, or even several times a day), I get concerned. The habits we create as a single person follow us right on into marriage. Putting a wedding band on our finger doesn’t change anything about us except our last name. A masturbation addiction has the potential to negatively affect, and even destroy, an otherwise healthy marriage. The reality is that most spouses would feel personally rejected if we were to repeatedly choose masturbation over marital intimacy.

While a blog like this can create a firestorm of controversy, I hope we can operate on the law of love here and continue discussing these “sticky subjects” without throwing any stones. What is YOUR personal conviction about the issue? What nuggets of wisdom do you think people should consider when making the decision about whether to engage in or refrain from a lifestyle of masturbation?

Wishing you sexual wisdom and confidence,

Shannon

P.S. You might also want to check out these video clips from my friend Dr. Doug Rosenau, author of the book Celebration of Sex:

Question about masturbation for singles:

http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/850

Question about masturbation for couples:

http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/842

48 comments

Many readers have emailed lately asking what I thought of the recent Oprah episode where Dr. Laura Berman discussed what all we should be telling our pre-teen and teenage daughters about sex.  I thought I’d go ahead and blog about it, because I’d love to hear your feedback too.

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Berman that we need to open up lines of communication with our children by giving them permission to ask anything, telling the truth about where babies come from, preparing them for the temptations that lay ahead for every human being, etc.  But when the suggestion was made that moms purchase a clitoral vibrator for their 15-17 year old daughters, I almost choked on my chocolate.  If you saw it, you probably did a double-take and rewinded the TiVo tape to make sure you heard it right, too.  If you didn’t see the show, allow me to explain Dr. Berman’s reasoning for such a recommendation.  She says that when a hairy-legged boy is kissing on your daughter and awakening all of these sexual urges in her, she will most likely think, “THIS BOY is what makes me feel this way, so I must allow THIS BOY to take me where my body longs to go.”  But that if our daughters are equipped with the “tools” they need to bring themselves to orgasm, it will be easier for her to walk away from that boy with the confidence that she doesn’t need him to satisfy her because she can take matters into her own hands (pardon the pun).

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that for a teenage girl to give in to sexual activity with a teenage boy could do far more damage than good.  That’s a no-brainer.  But is sending her the message that “whenever you get sexually aroused you HAVE to do something about it, so here’s a vibrator” really the best way to help her exercise self-control?  I don’t think so.  While occasional masturbatory experiences are a normal part of growth & development, I think encouraging frequent self-gratification is really just throwing gasoline on a fire.  The more someone fuels their own sexual desires (especially at this immature age), the more I believe they’ll be tempted to take things to the next level, and the next, which will ultimately include involving the sexual partner that you were trying to discourage her involvement with in the first place.

While it may shock you, I invited my 17-year old daughter to watch that Oprah episode with me so we could discuss the controversial parts openly.  I’ve discussed every other sexual topic under the sun with her at various stages in her development.  She has attended dozens of my BEST SEX Youth Conferences, helped me edit Every Young Woman’s Battle, helped me write Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle, so taking our intimate discussions to the next level seemed natural (especially now that she’s dating one of those hairy-legged boys).  I was delighted to learn that she felt the same way I did.  We talked about how vibrators should be “marital aids” for couples who mutually agree on their use, not “masturbation aids” for single teens.  Think about it… if a young woman walks into marriage already addicted to using a vibrator to achieve orgasm, how is that going to make her husband feel?  What if he has a problem with it?  Shouldn’t he be involved in the decision about whether to include something like this in the marriage bed, since it involves him too?  While there’s certainly nothing in the Bible that leads me to believe that the use of vibrators is sinful, it IS a matter of personal conscience, and while some couples are perfectly comfortable with them, others are not, and we need to respect one another’s comfort zones in marriage.  After all, sexual intimacy isn’t just about achieving pleasure for ourselves.  It’s about providing pleasure to your spouse, and operating within your spouse’s comfort zone is key to creating the safety and relational security that is vital in a healthy marriage.

Oprah’s friend, Gayle King, responded to Dr. Berman’s suggestion with the comment, “Oh, no!  Too much information!”  Oprah replied, “But teenage girls already HAVE this information!”  Granted, most older teenage girls have heard about vibrators.  So perhaps we should be talking with them and answering their questions.  But I don’t think we should be recommending them, or providing them.  I think we need to encourage self-control, and coach them on how to delay that gratification until they can enjoy it freely, without shame or inhibition, with their husbands someday.

A mom in the audience said that she was listening to Dr. Berman’s suggestion and considering how to apply it to the raising of her teenage son.  “I’m thinking that purchasing a vibrator for a daughter would be the equivalent of purchasing pornography for my son, and I can’t fathom that this would be the right thing to me to do to raise a sexually healthy son.”  I agree wholeheartedly.  Our kids have a hard enough time resisting sexual temptation without unnecessary introductions to pornography and marital aids.  Let’s not make their battle harder than it needs to be.  Teens need to be taught self-control, not self-gratification.  Frequent self-gratification will most likely turn them into “selfish lovers,” and our future sons-in-law and daughters-in-law deserve better.

So there you have it — my response to that particular Oprah episode.  Sticky subject, I know.  And I don’t expect that we will all agree on every nuance of this still-taboo topic, and that’s okay.  Everyone’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint.  But my hope is that we can respectfully discuss our own opinions and convictions with the goal of encouraging each other in how to raise sexually healthy daughters.

P.S.  It’s still not too late to register yourself and/or your 6th – 12th grade child for the upcoming May 2nd BEST SEX Youth Conference at Lindale High School (90 minutes east of Dallas, 90 minutes west of Shreveport, 15 minutes north of Tyler).  Just go to www.shannonethridge.com to register, or email your questions about the conference (where we’ll be teaching young people how to have the BEST SEX… by waiting until marriage!) to me personally at shannon@shannonethridge.com.  There’s also a parent session on Thursday Night, April 30th, at Fellowship of Prairie Creek Church in Lindale.  I’d love to meet you there!

45 comments