Shannon Ethridge's Blog

I’m so blessed to receive frequent emails and letters about the impact that one of my books or speaking engagements have had on someone’s life, but this one made me (and my husband) do triple backflips, so I wanted to share it with my readers, hoping that you’ll do triple backflips for “Helen” and her husband too!   Her name has been changed to protect her identity, as I feel certain she wouldn’t want her whole church knowing these intimate details of her sex life, but I’m honored that she shared them with me, and based on what she has written, I believe she wants me to share them with YOU as well!

 

Helen writes:

Shannon, you spoke at our church this past year.  I was one of the “older” gals in the crowd.  My husband and I have been married almost 50 years, and we’re probably considered the poster children for the “happily married couple.”  I wanted to share what happened to me at the retreat… 

I prayed that Friday morning that the Lord would use me and that I would be open to anything He wanted to teach me, then I went off to the retreat.

And then you showed up… 

If anyone had asked me, I would have said that my husband and I have a great sex life and have from the beginning of our marriage.  I had orgasms easily from the first day of our marriage.  We are fortunate in that we were both virgins and believers when we got married…

I thought our sex life was “normal” and better than a lot.  Yes, my husband seemed to want it all the time and yes, I was worn out during the child-rearing season so we did have plenty of those “not tonight” discussions during those years.  But I was always happy to “pay” him for help around the house with a “quickie” every so often.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

I keep asking myself that question.  Something major – MAJOR happened.  My menopause lasted many years, and I had several health issues and enough depression to warrant medication.  Unfortunately a side effect of the medication was that I could no longer have an orgasm.  Having never had that problem before, I begged God for the feeling to come back, to the point of tears, but eventually told God that I would be content with whatever I currently had or did not have.  I stopped the anti-depressants after a few months, but the ability to climax never returned.  My husband has also had some erectile dysfunction issues over the past decade, but we’ve operated under the premise that it’s always too soon to give up!  This has resulted in greater intimacy.  Even though all we had to offer each other sometimes was holding and kissing, we never gave up wanting all we could have with one another.

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE RETREAT?

Over 20 years ago my husband approached me about doing a little more experimenting.  By that he meant he wanted to have oral sex.  I was dead set against it.  It just seemed wrong to me.  I tried to explain that intimacy to me was face-to-face, mouth-to-mouth, etc.  We tried it a few times but I hated it and finally asked him not to bring it up again.  He graciously complied.  I mention all of this for two reasons:  (1) a person’s mental attitude is everything, and (2) as I have thought about this over the past few days, I believe my husband’s selflessness and not-insisting attitude communicated that he loved and respected me, and that however I felt about something was all right.  He wanted to please me more than he wanted to please himself and have sex the way he wanted it.  I believe his wonderful attitude contributed to the freedom that I experienced after your retreat…

SOMEHOW, BY GOD’S GRACE AND THE ANOINTING ON WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU SAY IT, God did something amazing.  I’m not sure what He did or if I even know which time you spoke or if it was an accumulation of what you said plus your book.   But it was like I had a curtain over my mind and suddenly God pulled the curtain back and set me free to FULLY enjoy myself and, though I had heard and believed the saying that “nothing is wrong between you and your mate if it is all right with both of you,” somehow, I now had a new GREEN LIGHT that God made these parts of our bodies for our enjoyment.  More to the point, it was alright for me to enjoy it ALL!  In fact, God delights in me enjoying myself.  After listening to you talk, I wanted to buy your book thinking it might help.  And I even felt free to buy the black copy of The Sexually Confident Wife – the one with sketches! 

My husband said I was different when I walked in the door after the retreat.

I am FREE and I can’t explain it except that God has done something MARVELOUS!  I came home and started reading the book out loud to my husband.  I got online and ordered some “special aids” from the Christian website you recommended [www.covenantspice.com].  Thank you for that.  WOW!  They have really helped.  We are having a summer of romance, for sure!  Except for when he’s out of town, we have only missed one day of sex since the retreat!  We’ve even done it 3 times in one day!  I have even begun having orgasms again for the first time in 20 years, and I have high hopes for many more to come! (pardon the pun!)

I felt I wanted to write to you, Shannon, because I want women to know that it is never too late to more fully enjoy one’s mate!  (even if she thinks she’s already enjoying him!)  I’m also telling you these very private things about us because the devil really loves to lie to people my age that “some things are over” and I would like for older women to be encouraged otherwise.

I told my husband the other day that often I feel like I am this special child God loves.  I was walking along minding my own business, showed up at the retreat expecting to be a blessing and to be blessed, but not even knowing the GREAT GIFT He was about to give me, or that I was even in need of anything, and HOW MUCH MORE FUN was ahead of me/us!!  I love God.  He is amazing and loves us SOOOOO much.  I have been surprised by JOY and I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough.

I can’t thank you enough either, Shannon.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  We believe you have a special anointing to talk about sexuality to all ages.  God bless you for doing what He has gifted you to do.  We are also reading Every Young Woman’s Battle because we’re sending copies to our granddaughters.  I can’t wait to discuss the book with them when we’re together!

Rejoicing,

Helen

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guest blog by Liz Walker

 

Despite loud protests of “I’m going to do things better!” how are we fairing?  Often the awkward moments with our parents discussing sex (or not discussing it at all) come rushing back to haunt us.  The fears of “What does my child already know?, “What if I tell them too much!” and “How can I keep the lines of communication open?” seem to churn through our mind like a washing machine spinning out of balance.  As parents, the last thing we want to ponder is “how did our kids go from ‘cute and innocent’ to ‘got-it-all-together expert’ overnight?”

 

The difference between when we were kids and now is not too hard to see, however many of us have become desensitised to what has actually happened over the last 40 years.  The web has completely rebooted the world.  For instance, ‘Amazon’ has changed the way we shop; ‘EBay’ has changed the way we sell; ‘Google’ has changed the way we find information; ‘YouTube’ has changed the way we share experiences; ‘blogging’ has changed the way we share our thoughts and ‘Facebook’ has changed the way we relate to each other.  Technology has shifted culture.

 

Gen X (parents of teens) were introduced to and wowed by technology… Gen Y has experienced and expect exponential advance… Gen Z (our kids) believe technology just ‘is’. Gen Z have never known life without the vast array of superefficient, ever advancing, ‘simple to use’ and ‘couldn’t live without’ technology.  A great deal of technology is incredibly beneficial; however there are some pitfalls we need to be aware of when raising healthy teens to make smart choices about sex.

 

In dealing with the downside of media and technology, ask yourself a couple of questions.  What messages has your child picked up about their worth?  When they watch music clips, what are they being told about how they dress?  When they hear another report on the news about rape, what message are they receiving about the value placed on another human being?  When they see advertisements with men and women presented as sex symbols, how can parents effectively tell them about the beautiful gift of sexuality and intimacy?

 

These are messages no one can escape, so use them as learning points with your kids.  Recently my youngest was watching music clips, usually listened to on her radio, but the imagery adds a whole other level of meaning.  Bumping and grinding with minimal clothes is a soft porn message I don’t want her to absorb.  So I asked her how it made her feel.  “Uncomfortable.”  This was the perfect opportunity to suggest that if it makes her feel yucky on the inside, it was up to her to switch it off.  She needs to develop strategies to recognize unhealthy viewing.

 

The influence of pornography on Gen Z is far-reaching.  If we want to raise sons and daughters who have a healthy respect for themselves, others and sexuality, we need to be discussing sex topics.  The biggest concern I hear from parents is they are worried about telling their kids too much too soon.  I say, take a deep breath and dive right in.  It’s far better to tell them in age appropriate increments and allow them to ask questions, than have their first knowledge of sex come from an episode of the latest sitcom or a flash encounter with an adult-only site.

 

In a healthy safe environment, kids take in what they are ready for.  If it’s too much information, just like an overdose of vitamins, they won’t absorb it.  However viewing inappropriate visual images leaves a biochemical imprint on the brain, so they need a safe place to come and discuss if this occurs.  It’s important you have firmly established yourself as a reliable authority on sexuality prior to teenage years, when both peers and porn culture have the potential to become the dominating voice.

 

Parents have more power than what they give themselves credit for.  Consider these statistics:

• A recent survey indicated that eight out of ten teens say it would be much easier to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.
• Six in ten teens wish they were able to talk more openly about relationships with their parents.

 

You can preserve the emotional and physical wellbeing of your teen by talking to them about what it takes to recognize, develop, and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

On the flip side, if the only message teens receive about sex is from peers or media (which places no importance on intimacy or sexual wellbeing) they have the potential to engage in early sexual activity, have more sexual partners, be at greater risk for STIs and engage in other high risk behaviors such as taking drugs and binge drinking.

 

Use every-day opportunities for learning experiences, such as advertisements on the back of toilet doors.  Ask your teen if they know the facts about chlamydia or human papilloma virus (and be sure you know the answers before you ask.)  It’s imperative our young people are aware of sexually transmitted infections, screening, and contraceptive use (along with their failure rates in preventing both unplanned pregnancy and infections).   Since the sexual revolution in the sixties, STIs have skyrocketed from 1 in 50 sexually active people contracting an STI to now 1 in 4.  It turns out our youth aren’t bullet proof, with around 70% of STI cases in the 15 – 24 year old age bracket.  Some of these are viral and remain for life; others are treatable with antibiotics yet can leave a young person infertile if undetected.

 

Talk about sex when the learning opportunity presents itself and give them full permission to ask questions.  It doesn’t have to be an indepth discussion.  Give bite-sized pieces which leave them hungry to come back for more.  Flipping out over something ‘shocking’ is a sure way to close the door on further conversations, so be mindful of any personal hang-ups which may need to be addressed in order for you to be more effective.

 

Keep a watchful eye on any boyfriend / girlfriend break-ups and how it makes them feel.  It might seem like harmless ‘puppy love,’ but emotional baggage can sometimes lead to feelings of depression and worthlessness.  It’s important to reassure your teen of how valuable they are as an individual and to offer support, regardless of what they are going through.

 

In amongst all this, aim to be the loudest voice in your teen’s life without the “blah, blah, blah.”  Talking about how beautiful sex can be in an intimate relationship gives them an appreciation of its value.

 

Despite common myths, young people don’t run out and have sex when it’s discussed in a healthy learning environment.  If teens know sex holds incredible value in creating a loving and trusting bond within a committed relationship, they are more likely to wait for emotional and cognitive maturity before participating in this important life decision.

 

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Liz Walker is an author, speaker and graduate student in Sexual Health through Sydney University.  The work she does with youth include educational presentations on sexuality for both teens and parents, and training community members such as youth support workers, teachers and suitably qualified volunteers to implement GET A GRIP teenz™: a self-awareness & educational program on life, relationships and the body.  Liz blogs on teen sexual health and relationships at http://girlzfreedom.wordpress.com/ and information about the GET A GRIP Youth Wellbeing Project can be found at www.getagripteenz.com

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Special thanks to Donald Miller for crafting this blog, and to Terrica Smith for calling it to my attention.

When Solomon wrote Song of Songs, a dramatic opera about a young, poor woman who fell in love with a Shepherd king, do you think he had “the voice of the church” in his head? Do you think he was worried about what a group of people might think? Of course the evangelical church didn’t exist, then, and neither did the collective evangelical consciousness, but what I mean by that question is that if Solomon were writing today, and were writing an Opera for young kids about the ways of love, he would no doubt be attacked. My guess is the criticisms would be listed as such:

1. His opera does not mention God. Why wouldn’t he use this opportunity to bring people to God? He’s a Godless man.

2. His opera is erotic, filled with sexual imagery and even sexual instruction. It’s unfitting for any person to read, much less young couples.

3. It’s confusing. We don’t know where the acts begin. It isn’t structured. It’s amature.

4. He never mentions sex should be saved till marriage, so he must be endorsing pre-marital sex.

5. There seems to be no point to the work. If he’s trying to teach something, you can’t figure out what it is, and if he isn’t trying to teach something, what’s the point of reading it or listening to it as an opera?

And so on and so on.

Here’s the point of this blog post: There is a difference between what “the church” wants you to do and what God wants you to do. Do what God wants you to do. Go and create, even as you were made to create.

If you replaced “Song of Solomon” with “The Sexually Confident Wife” you’d know what kind of response I received from a handful of attendees from the First Self-Righteous Church.

We chose to ignore them and press on with the message of “embracing and enjoying healthy sexual intimacy in marriage” that God stirred up in us, regardless of what a few “church ladies” had to say about it.

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Before any author can submit a proposal for a book to a publisher, they have to do their homework. They have to find out what else has been written on their particular topic, and what makes their own book distinctly different than anything else on bookstore shelves. Thoughts need to be original, and fulfill a need in the world that no other book seems to be addressing.

And that is how I came across a particular book in a Barnes & Noble store one day. I won’t disclose the title, as I don’t want to paint anyone else’s book in a negative light (and I’m certainly judging this book by its cover!). But my blood boiled slightly as I read the following words from the inside book jacket:

“…most importantly, this book lets you in on the secrets learned by the wildest, least scrupulous, and most lascivious women around: otherwise known as ‘bad girls.’ These are the girls that have a little extra wiggle, the ones that flirt so shamelessly it’s as if they’re begging to be leered at and whistled to by every guy they come into contact with. These women know things, important things, like what to say, how to move, how to look, and how to think, in situations where being naughty is absolutely necessary.”

I simply don’t agree with the insinuation that to be good in bed, you must act like a “bad girl,” and to be sexual means that you must behave “naughtily.” This myth has fed the great divide between women who feel confident sexually, and women who don’t. So I want to remind you — sex was GOD’s creation, and He gave it to Adam and Eve before the fall of mankind! There’s absolutely nothing bad or sinful about great sex within marriage!

Hopefully you’ve discovered by now that my approach with The Sexually Confident Wife is that you DON’T have to act like someone you are not. You CAN hold on to your holy scruples and your hot sex life at the same time.

Good girls CAN be good in bed — really good! So go grab that man of yours and show him just how good a good girl can be!

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I’m laughing at how many people have forwarded this article to me this week, so I guess I’ll share it with everyone else since I couldn’t agree more! THIS is why I wrote a book called “The Sexually Confident Wife” – so that Christian couples would “unspoil” sex!

Sex… Aug 30th by Jon at http://stuffchristianslike.net

The other day, pop princess Katy Perry said something interesting:

“I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen.”

I disagree.

Although that specific quote was about Lady Gaga, I think it’s indicative of something much bigger and much worse. Put simply, our culture has divorced God from sex.

I’ve long said that popular culture often acts as if God might have invented humanity and thus sex, but he was completely caught off guard that sex was an enjoyable activity. He was convinced it was a very clinical activity designed for baby making. But then Prince showed up and told us all that sex was in fact awesome. Upon hearing this, God was as shocked as I was the first time I used the Shazam app on my iPhone to automatically tell me the name of a song I was listening simply by me holding up my phone near the speaker. (I swear, that thing is voodoo.)

That’s what we’ve been told. That God and sex don’t go together. And if you say something enough times, people start to believe it’s true. Even pastor’s kids like Katy Perry will reinforce the barrier between God and sex. You can’t have both in the same bottle. They’re oil and water. Cats and dogs. Spencer and Heidi. They just don’t go together.

So what has our response been to this dynamic, to the idea that God and sex shouldn’t be in the same sentence?

I’d love to say Christianity has knocked it out of the park and ransomed the beauty of this gift from the world, but I’m not sure we have. In fact, I think we’ve caused our own damage in four ways:

1. Sometimes, we teach guilt, not abstinence.

I touched on this a little in the Stuff Christians Like book. Lots of our churches and youth groups teach kids for years that “Sex before marriage is bad.” And I agree with that message. I’ve seen the damages of pre-marital sex hundreds of times. The challenge though is that’s only half of the message. I wish when we taught abstinence we would say, “Sex before marriage is bad, but sex when you’re married is awesome.” Because what happens is that during your formative teenage years you hear over and over again about how bad sex before marriage is. And your head and heart shorthand that idea and just tell you that, “Sex is bad.” Then you get married, on your wedding night, you’re supposed to magically, instantly shed all your guilt and fear about sex. We’re taught guilt for years and then left on the doorsteps of our marriages to figure it all out by ourselves.

2. We have very few ways to discuss it.

Because of this site, people often send me links to Christian stuff they think is funny. Every now and then, I’ll get links to “Christian sex sites.” The sites are typically forums where Christians talk in an honest and holy way about their sex lives. Now for the majority of us, that last sentence was weird. Let’s be real, our sex lives are not something we collectively talk about a lot in Christian circles. Our finances, our parenting, our jobs, our in-laws, deep regrets from the past, we’ll touch on anything in a small group. But broach some sexual topic at your next small group and people will look at you like your F to the E to the R to the G to the I to the E. That’s off limits. It’s supposed to be beautiful and holy and loving. And yes the world is attacking it everyday in thousands of ways, but you’re supposed to discuss that on your own as a couple. Maybe you’ve had a different experience in small group but we were in one that didn’t touch on that subject for the first three years or so.

3. We write 10 books about lust for every one book about the gift of sex.

God Bless the stuff folks like xxxchurch.com are doing. Buy Breaking Free or the Samson Pirate book. I love both of those. I’m happy for all the work that’s being done to free people from the bondage of sexual addiction. But I wish that for every time I heard about the poison of lust, I heard about the perfection of love. I wish every time someone preached on the problem of sex, someone preached about the untamed awesomeness of sex. The conversation has become very one sided when it comes to Christians and sex.

4. We’ve made the crayon box pretty small.

Have you ever prayed before sex? Have you ever applied every ounce of God given creativity you have to it? Have you ever made a Christian songs sex tape? OK, that last one is impossible, Michael W. Smith just doesn’t make music like Sisqo. But seriously, I think to some degree we’ve bought the lie that the world gets to have wild, crazy sex and Christians, holy folks like us get to have black and white, two dimension sex. But what if that’s wrong? What if the God who overflows us with love and hope and mercy, wants that part of our lives to be as big and as colorful as two married people could possibly imagine?

Those are the problems, or rather some of them, but what’s the solution? What’s the answer? What’s the fix? Those are fair questions, but there’s no way I could possibly solve the sex situation in a blog post. Here though is what I hope.

I hope that every time we say sex before marriage is harmful, we’ll say “sex after marriage is neon awesome.” I hope that some well-designed, honest Christian sex site will launch. (Feel free to use the variation, “Sexy Stuff Christians Like.”) I hope that Thomas Nelson and Zondervan and Baker and some other folks will release some wild books about the goodness of Christian sex.

Until then though, until all of those things happen, you should at least go download Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” the Sundays, “Wild Horses,” and Mazzy Star’s “Fade into You.” Those are all some pretty fantastic make out songs.

Your turn, what are your thoughts on this subject? Are we Christians getting it right or wrong when it comes to sex?

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