Shannon Ethridge's Blog » Pornography

Why more and more women are using pornography

Shannon Ethridge — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:02:16 +0000

I’m hearing more and more women confess that what they first looked at over the internet as a “guilty pleasure” has now turned into a full-blown pornography addiction. Nope, it’s NOT just a “man’s battle,” so I thought the following article was worth sharing…

Increasing numbers of women admit to being hooked on internet porn. Why is this happening, and where are they finding help?

Tanith Carey
guardian.co.uk, Thursday 7 April 2011 21.00 BST

A study found that 17% of women describe themselves as ‘addicted’ to online porn. Photograph: Alamy

It was an ordinary weekday morning when Caroline first noticed how much pornography was taking over her life. With 15 minutes to go before she was due to leave for a job interview, she opened up her laptop to print off an extra copy of her CV and there, onscreen, was a grab she’d saved from pornhub.com.

“I remember the feeling of being sucked in, really wanting that two-minute fix, that numbness I got when I used porn,” says Caroline. “I was stressed out, and I risked being late for my interview, but I pressed play anyway and fast-forwarded it to the bit I wanted. It took two minutes.” But the relief was to be short-lived. “Afterwards I just hated myself for giving in and getting off on images that treated women like pieces of meat. But I kept going back.”

Although there is much debate about whether “porn addiction” even exists, Caroline, a 21-year-old English graduate, has just finished seeing a sex addiction therapist to help get her porn habit under control. Having started watching porn out of curiosity when it became available over the internet in her mid-teens, she and her mates used it as a graphic form of sex education. She saw nothing wrong with it, particularly as she was raised in a generation of girls for whom it was seen as hip and liberated to enjoy watching sex.

Then, as she entered a depressed job market after university, it became a form of escape, a default she turned to whenever she felt anxious or bored. “I’d be stuck at home in front of my laptop on my own all day. I’d wake up with all these ideas for the day – and end up surfing for porn, trying to distract myself, eating and then going back for more porn. No one would ever have known. But I didn’t get much done. It was like a constant battle between my sexual urges and my self-control. I’d think to myself: ‘It’s not doing any harm.’ But then I started to loathe myself for giving in and wasting so much time on it.”

Caroline is not alone. While it’s accepted that women are watching – and enjoying – porn more and more, it’s less recognised that some are also finding it hard to stop. At Quit Porn Addiction, the UK’s main porn counselling service, almost one in three clients are women struggling with their own porn use, says founder and counsellor Jason Dean. Two years ago, there were none.While more than six out of 10 women say they view web porn, one study in 2006 by the Internet Filter Review found that 17% of women describe themselves as “addicted”.

Dean says: “I remember getting my first woman contacts about two years ago and thinking that was fairly unusual. Now I’m hearing from about 70 women a year who are coming for their own reasons, not because their male partners have a problem.”

There is little difference in the way the genders become hooked, says Jason. There is the same pattern of exposure, addiction, and desensitisation to increasingly hardcore images. The main contrast between male and female porn addicts is how much more guilty women feel. “Porn addiction is seen as a man’s problem – and therefore not acceptable for women,” says Dean. “There’s a real sense among women that it’s bad, dirty, wrong and they’re often unable to get beyond that.”

Orgasm releases a dopamine-oxytocin high that has been compared to a heroin hit, and many regular users of internet porn report experiencing an almost trance-like effect that not only makes them feel oblivious to the world, but also gives them a sense of power that they don’t have in real life. “The PC becomes an erogenous zone. The more you keep trying to put porn out of your mind, the more it keeps popping back in. The brain then learns that porn is the only way to cope with anxiety.”

Yet, what strikes you on the porn addiction websites is the real sense of despair and loneliness for the women who get caught up in it – and how early it starts. Many talk of a problem dating back to their early teens, before they’ve even had a relationship.

One 19-year-old college student writes: “It started seriously when I was about 14, I stumbled across some pictures while doing homework. Because all I had typed into Google was ‘cream and sugar’, I knew my parents wouldn’t notice. I learnt all the ways round the parental controls, meticulously deleted my activities on the history and deleted the search engine entries every time.”

Psychotherapist Phillip Hodson, of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, says that in consulting rooms, the issue of woman habitually using porn “is something that has not been aired before. It’s something new that’s just beginning to surface . . . Traditionally women’s voices have been against porn. It’s seen as more of a male thing, because it’s men who are supposed to be visually stimulated. But that doesn’t mean that women aren’t. Men are just maybe more so.”

Women who become regular users can suffer depression and low self-esteem because it can be hard to reconcile their enjoyment of porn with their intellectual dislike of seeing women used as sex objects. “Porn has an instant effect on the human body and mind and the psyche, even if you disapprove of what you are seeing . . . So women may find their body is saying yes, even though their mind may be saying no – and that can be upsetting.”

But as porn becomes more pervasive, Hodson observes that women are now also using it as a quick way to have sex without emotional investment, just as men traditionally have. “For women, just as for men, the internet is able to satisfy that need in rather a raw, crude sense, quickly and easily. Why serenade someone and go through all the courtship rituals with another person when you have Google?”

But it’s important not to turn lone use of porn into a catastrophe, adds Hodson. For many women, it’s a phase that will pass – either because they take stock, they realise it’s becoming a problem, it becomes boring – or their life fills up again with better alternatives.

“I have a problem with the word addiction,” he says. “Sex is a very natural function – and what is an abnormal level of sex to have or to want? If a woman is taking two minutes to orgasm to porn, and she’s doing it, say, 10 times a day, that’s still only 20 minutes a day.

“But if porn does become a habit that interferes in other areas, it might be an opportunity to take stock and realise there’s not enough happening in your life. Forgive yourself for being tempted and having a few orgasms. If it goes beyond that, there are people outside who can help.”

The first support group in the US run for women by women was founded by Crystal Renaud, who also wrote a new book on women’s addiction to porn, called Dirty Girls Come Clean.

A committed Christian, she first came across porn at the age of 11 in a magazine that belonged to her brother, and was addicted for eight years before she got her wake-up call when she arranged an anonymous hook-up with a man she met over the net. Renaud recalls: “I had no friends. No passions. I had one mission and purpose in my life: pornography. Any way I could find it, I would. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. Home, school, my friend’s houses, summer camp and yes, even church: my addiction came too.

“Porn. Masturbation. Cybersex. Webcam sex. Phone sex. Anything you could think up, I watched, experienced and enjoyed. No matter how many times I said I would stop, I would just keep doing it.”

As a trained counsellor, Renaud now calls women’s addiction to pornography “widespread and silent”. In almost every case, the women she meets believe they are the only ones ever to have struggled with the issue. “Porn and sexual addiction has always been referred to as a man’s problem,” says Renaud. “But for women it’s an unspoken struggle. We have to give them the opportunity to say: ‘Me too.’”

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2011

Getting Serious About Pornography

Terrica — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:59:12 +0000

A friend recently shared this incredibly powerful article with us concerning the devastating effects of pornography. We hear from countless women on a weekly basis whose marriages are being destroyed by (either his or her) pornography use, so we know well how desperately this message is needed. Today we want to join the anonymous author of this fantastic article in waving the red flag of warning.

Is pornography something you or your husband have struggled with? Or worse yet, your children? How have you learned to heal and recover?

Should a woman be her husband’s accountability partner?

Terrica — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:25:43 +0000

(Our friend, Luke Gilkerson, of CovenantEyes.com recently shared this fantastic article with us and we simply can’t keep it to ourselves. Check it out!)

With the advent of movements like Promise Keepers, accountability has been a buzzword in male Christian community. Men are regularly encouraged by friends, pastors, and mentors to find good accountability partners in their struggle against lust, masturbation, and pornography. But often women will ask me this question: Should I be my husband’s accountability partner in these areas?

Sometimes a husband believes his wife would make an ideal accountability partner. After all, she is around him all the time and knows him in ways no one else does. She is his confidant, friend, lover, and soul-mate. Why not throw “accountability partner” into the mix?

The Pain of Knowing

Our answer to this question centers on the definition of an “accountability partner.” What is accountability, really? Recently I asked Joe Dallas this question. Joe is the author of The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity and speaks widely on the subject of sexual brokenness. He said,

“I don’t personally believe in a wife being a husband’s accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife—and that’s not a contradiction in terms. An accountability partner on a week basis asks you: ‘Did you look at pornography? Did you masturbate? Did you flirt? Did you allow yourself to entertain unclean thoughts? Did you handle your sexuality well this week?’ If the wife is the one asking those questions, the husband is going to be imposing on his wife unnecessary pain and detail.”

I asked Amy Smalley the same question. Amy and her husband regularly counsel couples through their Marriage Restoration Intensive programs. She believes when a husband exclusively looks to his wife to confess his sexual struggles, this only serves to trigger a myriad of false beliefs in her: I’m not satisfying enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough for him, etc. Amy said,

“The reason why it’s not best for her to be the accountability partner is because that directly affects her. There’s a message: when my husband views pornography, whether he does it intentionally or not, he will say, ‘Oh, it has nothing to do with you’—you can say that, but that’s not how she feels. She feels like, ‘This has a direct reflection on me.’”

Fred Stoeker, co-author of Every Man’s Battle, gave me the same answer. He believes the sort of raw details discussed in accountability conversations could be very hurtful to a marriage: “The wife is going to be shocked how many times he stumbles as he tries to win this battle, and it will begin to dishearten her. . . . It will actually hurt the relationship instead of strengthen it.”

While Fred knows of some wives who are able to not be disheartened by their husband’s temptations and sins, he says it is a rare thing.

The Need to Trust

That being said, healthy marriages must be built on honesty and transparency. Jesus, the bridegroom of the church, was pleased to reveal to us everything His Father taught Him (John 15:15). Jesus has given to us His own Spirit who shares with us “the deep things” of God’s heart (1 Corinthians 2:10-12). Husbands, we must follow our Master’s example. We must be open and honest as we share our hearts with our wives.

Joe Dallas mentioned this issue in my conversation with him. While a husband does not need to belabor his wife with intricate details of his sexual struggles, a man should volunteer information to his wife about how he is doing in the fight to stay pure. If there has been a breach of trust in the past, or if he has given into habitual lust, she needs to see the fruit of repentance in her husband. She needs a window to peer into his soul so she can see his diligent faithfulness to her. Trust is built only when he builds a track record of trustworthiness.

In my conversation with Dr. Mark Laaser, he affirmed, “The husband is accountable to the wife to stay sexually pure,” but then quickly added, “but I don’t think the wife should be a part of his network such that she’s engaged at the same level other men are going to be. . . He should have a network of men he is able to call.”

Couples need to dialogue about what sort of details she needs to hear and what details should be reserved for other guys who are helping him in his struggle.

The “Need” to Know

Dr. Laaser also pointed out the slippery slope of spousal accountability. Women have often found “they sometimes get into controlling their husband’s behavior.” Amy Smalley was also very attuned to this tendency in women—when the need to build trust turns into an obsessive curiosity. These obsessive thoughts often feed unforgiveness or a desire to control or manipulate. Joe Dallas told me when a wife is engaged in accountability on a deep level with her husband “it puts the wife in a rather maternal position with a husband,” which he thinks is very unhealthy for a marriage.

What is the difference between helpful honesty that encourages trust and unhelpful probing that leads to tension? The difference is in the heart of the wife. Amy Smalley says this is a matter of serious prayer: God, reveal my motives. Tell me when want to know so I can be confident in my husband’s repentance and when just want to feed my bitterness or control him in some way.

The Need for Male Community

When the struggle is with Internet pornography, many people have made use of accountability software, such as Covenant Eyes. When all of your Internet activity is monitored and detailed reports are sent to others who have agreed to stand with you in fight for purity, this makes an enormous difference in how we use the Web.

I work for Covenant Eyes, and recently we surveyed some of our members and found that about 30% of them have their accountability reports emailed to their wives. For many couples this is a token of real transparency and honesty, as if to say, “My life is completely open to you. I have no secrets. I love you.”

Still, many guys have the same report emailed to other men in their accountability network. These are the men who hear the nitty-gritty details: the lustful glances, the fantasies, and the temptations we face on a regular basis in our sex-saturated world. This is the brotherhood that encourages us to flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace in our world and our relationships (2 Timothy 2:22).

In my conversation with Amy Smalley she said how assuring this can be for a wife, to know her husband is meeting regularly with another guy or a group of men who are engaged in the battle with him. It is freeing to a woman when she knows and trusts the men who surround her husband with encouragement, prayer, and correction. Amy’s message to husbands is for them to find accountability among other brothers:

“Covenant Eyes is a great way for men to be accountable to other men. That way, first of all, there’s some compassion there, because it’s another man who’s hard-wired the same way that you are. And two, it someone that you feel has a connection and that will love you no matter what but really kick you in the pants when you need to, and talk to you the way a man needs to talk to another man.”

If you want to listen to these conversations, please listen to our podcast (11 minutes) on the Covenant Eyes blog.

Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the corporate weblog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and is currently working on his Master of Arts in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a Campus Minister. He lives in Michigan with his wife Trisha and two sons.

Rebuilding Trust After Pornography

Shannon Ethridge — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 02:19:38 +0000

The following blog is written by my writing partner in the Every Man/Every Woman’s Battle book series, Fred Stoeker, and originally appeared at www.covenanteyes.com this week. I thought it was too good not to share…

Thanks, Fred & Brenda, for sharing your story and being such an encouragement!

Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography

The following guest post is by Fred Stoeker, the co-author of several books, including Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle. Fred and his wife Brenda also wrote Every Heart Restored, a book designed to help wives restore their hearts for their husbands in the wake of sexual sin. Fred is no stranger to pornography temptations and what they can do to a marriage. After stumbling upon his father’s Playboy magazine under his Dad’s bed in first grade, Fred struggled with pornographic materials for the next twenty years or so. Through his books Fred brings the years of practical wisdom he learned about overcoming lust and restoring broken trust.

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If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.

Trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.

Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.

- Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored

To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.

Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.

But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.

You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:

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1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty

These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:

“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!

Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.

Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.

While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”

Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.

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2) Your Patience as She Heals

Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution, if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.

Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:

“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe, and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”

These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.

Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.

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3) Your Trustworthy Acts

You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.

She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the porn filters, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.

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New Book for Hurting Wives!

The Healing Choice & The Healing Choice Guidebook

These new books by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen are geared towards helping women heal, no matter what their husbands decide in relation to their sexual sin.

Promoting FREEDOM from Pornography

Shannon Ethridge — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:18:38 +0000

We’ve received several responses to the “Peeping Behind His Pornography Problem” blog that was posted several weeks ago, so I thought you’d enjoy this new video clip produced by Covenant Eyes…

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8453b946b88adca7fac7

Even though we need to be “internally motivated” to avoid pornography, it’s great to have filtering software such as Covenant Eyes to provide the “external motivation” we may need to starve enslaving addictions or prevent them from occuring in the first place. Such accountability can restore a man (or woman’s) dignity, replentish a spouse’s trust, prevent teens and children from surfing sites that could get them hooked, etc. I can’t recommend it enough!

Wishing you and your family FREEDOM,

Shannon

How Much Will You Let Pornography Rob From You?

Shannon Ethridge — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 05:31:42 +0000

If you are the wife of a (hopefully recovering) pornography addict, I have a heart-felt message I want to share with you that’s been brewing in me for some time. But first, I want you to pray that God would open your heart and mind in such a way that you’d be able to fully receive it with the spirit in which it is intended – to be a blessing, not a burden… to encourage you and inspire you rather than require things from you that you’re simply not ready to give. My goal is to help you become a sexually confident wife again, in spite of the past poor choices your husband has made.

Before I just throw these principles at you, I want to tell you about a few conversations I’ve had recently with women who are still sorting through the multiple layers of immense pain that their husbands’ addictions have caused them. Cathy explained, “I refuse to buy or wear any sort of sexy lingerie.” Very attractive with a petite, proportionate, curvaceous frame, I couldn’t image that body image was the reason for Cathy’s aversion. As I inquired further why she felt this way, she responded, “That’s the kind of stuff they wear in pornographic films! I don’t want to awaken the urge in my husband to look at that stuff again!”

Okay, let’s pause here for a bit of girl-talk amongst ourselves. So… I’m guessing Cathy wears cotton nightgowns, fuzzy robes, or frumpy pajamas instead of sexy lingerie? And this is supposed to keep her husband’s sexual appetites from being “awakened?” Sorry, but I can’t agree, nor can I imagine her husband agreeing with this philosophy. A well-fed man doesn’t feel the need to steal a steak dinner from his neighbor. Only the starving man is tempted to reach out for something that doesn’t belong to him to satisfy his hunger. I think the same principle applies here. If a husband can’t drink his wife’s beautiful body in through his eyes and enjoy the sexual freedoms that the marriage bed is meant to offer, how can he not be tempted to look elsewhere for that visual gratification? I’m certainly not trying to justify a man’s use of pornography, but simply trying to help wives understand the natural cause-and-effect. And granted, many wives do all they can to dress sexy for their husbands in the bedroom and they still surf for porn. In response, I say that I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t recognize the value of honoring you by looking to you exclusively as the sole source of his sexual and visual gratification. He’s got some growing up to do before becoming the sensitive lover that you deserve. But back to the woman who refuses to dress sexy for fear of awaking his desires for pornography… I’m just not sure that equation adds up. How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of any sort of sexy lingerie wardrobe.

Another example is Rhonda, who lambasted me for even suggesting that wives gratify their husbands by doing an occasional striptease for him in the privacy of their own bedroom. “That’s pornographic!” she exclaimed. Hello!!! Really??? Further conversation revealed that Rhonda thought it best to leave the lights off to make love because she doesn’t want to be “compared” to pornographic models. I guess she thinks that if he can’t see her, he can’t compare her and think of all the ways she doesn’t measure up to those airbrushed beauties. How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of her own healthy body image.

Yet another example is Tonya, who refuses to consider any other position than the missionary position because “all those other wild-n-crazy positions are what pornographic actors do, and I don’t want to emulate them!” How sad that she’s let pornography rob her of the carefree, adventurous side of her sexuality (not to mention her husband’s adventurous side as well).

I can understand that a woman’s knee-jerk reaction to her husband’s pornography issue is to try and starve his desires until they match her own more-inhibited, less-frequent desires, but does that strategy have any hope of real success given how men are such sexually-oriented, visually stimulated creatures? And remember, this is their divine design by God, not a result of some sickness or brokenness or pornography addiction. Sexuality was God’s gift to man and woman before the fall of man, so there’s nothing inherently sinful about his natural, healthy sexual desires.

I also understand that a woman might, as a result of her own brokenness and insecurities, be tempted to withdraw completely from anything that even remotely resembles pornography, but consider these things…

· Pornography wasn’t readily available to the public until the creation of Playboy Magazine in 1953. I can’t imagine that women weren’t dressing sexy, stripping, or enjoying various sexual positions with their husbands prior to that time period. So why would we not feel the freedom to do these things now?

· There are also very natural things portrayed in pornography such as kissing… body massage… and intercourse. Does that mean married couples should abandon those activities all together too? Sorry, but I refuse to let pornography rob me of that much of my sexuality! Just because something has been featured in some pornographic film doesn’t automatically make that thing “dirty” or “bad.”

· I’m not convinced that it’s all bare skin and hot sex men are after when they gaze upon pornography. I believe the “You’re absolutely irresistible… I want you badly… Come and get me” looks on their faces are really what these men are craving. They want (and need) to feel sexually desirable in a woman’s eyes in order to feel like a real man. What power we hold as wives to provide that which their mind, body, heart, and soul longs for most!

All this to say, Ladies, please don’t hold out sexually on your husband as some sort of “punishment” for his bad behavior, because you’re ultimately robbing yourself. There are too many emotional, physical, and spiritual health benefits to sexual intimacy for you to allow anyone or anything to rob you of it. If you give in and let pornography rob you of your sexual confidence, or your healthy body image, or your playful adventurous side, then pornography wins (again!). But if you can draw the line in the sand and refuse to let pornography rob you of anything more than it already has, then you win… your husband wins… your marriage wins… your family wins. In light of all that’s at stake, isn’t your sexual confidence worth fighting for?

Wishing you the BEST sex life possible,

Shannon Ethridge

P.S. This is excerpted from an article I recently wrote for www.covenanteyes.com. It would be a great site for both husbands and wives to check out!

Peeping Behind His Pornography Problem

Shannon Ethridge — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:43:41 +0000

Every week we receive multiple emails from either men struggling with pornography, or wives struggling with their husbands’ use of it. (I know many women struggle with using pornography as well, but we’ll save that for another blog). I agree with Dr. Phil, who insists that users of Internet porn are cheating on their partners, and that women shouldn’t have to put up with their partners’ pornography addiction.

This is obviously an issue we’ll explore deeply if given the opportunity to write The Sexually Savvy Husband, but I thought it would be great to pick your brains now! Answer any of these questions that apply to you:

* If you’re a man who currently uses pornography, can you help us understand what’s behind this addiction for you? What do you get out of looking at pornography? Is there any way your wife can help you break this addiction? Are there ways that she unknowingly fuels it?

* If you’re a wife whose husband is currently using pornography, tell us how it makes you feel — about yourself, about your husband, about the relationship you share.

* If you’re a man (or the wife of a man) who has overcome a pornography addiction, what advice do you have for other men and their wives? How has your life & marriage changed since pornography was banned from your sex life?

As always, let’s keep the conversation positive. We all know that there’s real hurt and deep pain going on in the lives of both husbands and wives as a result of pornography use, so let’s explore what’s really going on beneath this issue and learn how we can help others become sexually savvy husbands and sexually confident wives!

Appreciating your feedback,

Shannon