Shannon Ethridge's Blog

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Verbal Poison

“My husband and I argue all the time and it can get pretty intense. But what is normal in arguing and when does it cross the line into verbal abuse?”

Disagreements in marriage are entirely normal. If you never disagree, check your pulse for signs of life. Disagreements can quickly turn into disasters, however, if we don’t draw verbal and emotional boundary lines. As the Bible warns in James 3:8, the tongue can be a “restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

Even in the absence of physical blows, tremendous mental, emotional, and spiritual blows can hurt – and those can take years longer to heal. Couples should avoid:

1. Screaming, cursing, or name-calling
2. Constant criticism or frequent humiliation
3. Acting jealous or possessive to block healthy relationships with others
4. Incessant calling during work hours just to argue
5. Threatening to harm them, their loved ones, their pets, or their belongings
6. Verbally throwing their past up in their face even though forgiveness was previously extended
7. Belittling or minimizing the other partner’s concerns about the relationship, or blaming the other person entirely

This list isn’t exhaustive, but should give you a measuring stick to gauge if arguments are crossing the line. If you’re doing any of these, stop. If your husband does them, calmly call a time out until you both feel more in control of your emotions. Verbal & emotional abuse can’t be underestimated. It can be just as destructive (if not more so) to a relationship as physical violence.

If you (or a friend) need to talk to someone about this issue, search online for a domestic violence prevention hotline or women’s shelter in your local area.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage (click here to order)

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick (WaterBrook Press)

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage To Make Us Holy More Than To Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas (Zondervan)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Dealing with a Passive Partner

“My husband is so passive that he makes Jell-O look stiff. How can I get him to take charge?”

Remember the “which came first – the chicken or the egg” question? It’s worth asking, “Which came first? Do I take charge because he’s so passive, or is he so passive because I take charge?”  Unfortunately, we often create the exact behavior we abhor.

To visualize how this dynamic can be changed, imagine a see-saw. One side is the “assertive” side and the other is the “passive” side.  The further you venture out on the assertive side, the further he’ll venture out on the passive side to maintain balance. However, the more you venture toward the middle, the more he’ll naturally do the same.

What would “venturing toward the middle” look like?

Rather than:  You pick the restaurant. I’m tired of making all the choices.

Try:  Let’s go to one of your favorites.  What are you hungry for?

Instead of:  Why can’t you take initiative in the house?

Try:  I have three honey-do’s I could use your help with, and #3 is to let me give you a back massage to thank you for doing #1 and #2.

Rather than:  Why haven’t you paid these bills yet?  Can I not trust you?

Try:  I see some bills piling up.  Do you need extra time this weekend to get caught up?

You get the idea.  Next time you’re tempted to take charge when you really want him to, remember Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. She didn’t require his leadership by stepping all over his toes. She inspired him to lead by simply following along gracefully.

Recommended Reading:

Every Woman’s Marriage by Shannon & Greg Ethridge (click here to order)

Woman Power by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (HarperCollins)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Is Low Sex-Drive a “Generational Curse?”

Bill from Philadelphia writes:

“Hey, Shannon, I have a question I’ve never heard asked or answered.  Can low sex drive (or NO sex drive) in a woman (or man) be a generational curse?  You know, the Bible talks about curses running through families.  My wife has an extremely low sex drive and so did her mother and grandmother.  It’s created a lot of problems as you can imagine.”

Dear Bill:

I’ve never heard of low sex drive being a generational curse, especially since no woman is particularly mentioned in the Bible as having a low sex drive (although I guess some of them could have).  I assume by your question you’re referring to the following passage of Scripture:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  (Exodus 20:4-6)

Although it’s easy to read this passage and tremble in fear over what “generational curses” we (or our spouse) may have inherited, I want to call your attention to the words following that foreboding statement:  “…of those who hate me, but showing LOVE to a THOUSAND generations of those who love me…”  The reason why this last part of the sentence is so key is because as believers in Christ Jesus, all generational curses are completely broken!  We do NOT suffer punishment for the sins of generations past.

The reality is that sometimes we give Satan too much credit or try to spiritualize something that’s actually very humanly-driven.  By nature, human beings are drawn to the familiar, and if it was familiar for a woman to grow up around other women with low sex drives, low self-esteem, victim mentalities, etc., it’s only natural that she will gravitate that direction too.

But the good news is that learned behavior can also be unlearned.  Women developing new, healthier patterns of relating sexually within marriage is exactly what this ministry is all about, so I hope your wife will visit both our websites (www.shannonethridge.com and www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com) and check out a few of the books and other blogs for inspiration!  I’d particularly recommend The Sexually Confident Wife book! 

It’s the time of year that I enjoy the least – when Old Man Winter comes and steals the leaves off the trees, and steals my mojo as a result!  The sun doesn’t kiss our bare skin for months at a time… our legs don’t get shaven for weeks at a time… and we can go for days at a time without wanting sex at all.

Why?  Because we’re COLD, dang it!

I recently read in a book called The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. that women simply can’t orgasm when they are cold.  No, it’s not just in your head, Ladies – it’s a biological fact!  Orgasm requires mental focus and concentration, as well as physical relaxation – both of which are next to impossible when we are shivering like Eskimos.

SO, here are a few practical tips to keep you WARM so you can keep things HOT between you and hubby all winter long:

1. Put a space heater in your room about an hour before bedtime to bring the temperature up to comfortable levels.
2. Do some light exercises at the end of the day – a few jumping jacks or sit ups — just enough to get your blood circulation going to warm your body naturally.
3. Take a HOT shower or bath right before bed, such that the cooler air is a welcome relief!
4. Get creative with what kind of pajamas you wear to bed, such as button-up pajama tops that make certain body parts accessible to him while keeping other parts (shoulders, back, arms) warm.
5. Get creative with your covers, such as making a “tent” using your knees as tent poles, but draping the blanket such that certain parts of your anatomy are within reach.  (If we can do it for the OB/GYN, we can do it for our husbands!)
6. It may not be his idea of the sexiest look, but keep your fuzzy socks on if necessary!  Feet are the body part that’s most prone to cold because of the distance blood is required to travel to keep them warm.
7. Heat a bottle of lotion in the microwave and ask your husband for a hot foot massage or back rub.  I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be obliged if he knew where you were headed with the idea!

Wishing you a mild winter and a not-so-mild marriage bed!

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com
www.shannonethridge.com

Hot Tip #73 – Get Financial Peace – Part 4

To wrap up our 4-part series on incorporating financial peace into your marriage relationship, I’d like to tell you about the most radical thing we’ve done, and the huge impact that it’s had on our marriage (and marriage bed)!

But first, let’s recap the other steps we took as we moved toward financial peace:

• Step 1: Establish a $1,000 emergency fund
• Step 2: Pay off all debt except house
• Step 3: Put aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account
• Step 4: Invest 15% of income for retirement
• Step 5: College funding for kids

According to Dave Ramsey’s “Baby Steps to Financial Peace” plan, the last two steps are:

• Step 6: Pay off the mortgage on your home and live completely “payment-free!”
• Step 7: Build wealth and GIVE!

I know. Step #6 feels like it could take FOREVER! Because most people take out at least 20-year or even 30-year mortgages on their home, attacking that loan with enough “gazelle intensity” until it’s totally paid off can seem like such a L-O-N-G-term goal. And my experience with L-O-N-G-term goals is that they N-E-V-E-R get accomplished unless we make them a H-U-G-E priority.

So we decided to make paying off our mortgage a SHORT-term goal instead. How? Read on…

In the fall of 2007, around my 40th birthday, I began feeling as if I had a two-ton elephant on my chest. Literally, I struggled to breathe at times, especially if I let myself linger over thoughts of the life we’d created for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong – I loved most everything about my life – a thriving marriage, motherhood, and ministry that kept me energized from day to day. But there was a big hole in my bucket letting so much of that energy drain right through me.

And when I thought about it long and hard enough, I was finally able to label my anxiety. It was called: PROPERTY MANAGEMENT.

We’d purchased the 100+ acre property in 1998, and invested many years (and many royalty checks) in turning that abandoned little 1800 sq. ft. log cabin into a 4500 sq. ft. “dream home” that probably resembled a small retreat center more than a simple house for a family of four. I don’t know where my head was during those years, but somehow I thought I needed a separate room for every activity – a workout room, an office for me, and office for Greg, a formal guest room, a family living room, a kids’ den… and without realizing what a maintenance nightmare it would eventually become, we went from a cozy 3-bedroom 3-bath cabin to a 6-bedroom, 5.5 bath monstrosity… oh, and a whopping mortgage payment to match by the time construction was complete. We went a little over our original budget, to say the least.

We enjoyed the house like crazy the first three years after we added all that square footage. We hosted lots of family gatherings and even weddings and receptions. But after the new wore off and the maintenance got so tiring, I began cringing whenever we received the mortgage reminder in the mail. Out of our $1600 per month payment, only $300 of that was going toward the principal. $1,300 was going toward interest. Every month. I was paying the bank $1,300 every 30 days to live in a house that was soon overwhelming me on a daily basis. So we put it on the market. In May 2008. And it sat there. For 3 years.

During that time, I lost so much sleep… and so much of my patience… and so much of my libido as a result! I remember telling Greg how I’d often wake up with dreams of grabbing the four walls around me and pulling them in for a “cozier fit” because life simply felt way “too big,” and that if I wasn’t able to accomplish that goal soon, I’d be tempted to opt for the four tight walls of a coffin. Not trying to be dramatic, just stating the truth. I felt as if I’d rather die that keep living in that huge house with all of the maintenance, land management, and debt load.

Praise God, in May 2011, we FINALLY got that albatross out from around our necks! We managed to sell it for just enough money to pay off the remaining mortgage, and pay cash for the next house! We wanted to call Dave Ramsey’s show to scream, “WE’RE DEBT FREE!” as so many of his listeners do!

I learned lots of valuable lessons from that experience – mainly that you don’t ever want more square footage than you can effectively keep clean… that you can always manage with less than you think you really need… that “bigger” isn’t always “better,” especially when it comes to mortgage payments!

But I also learned that WE have control of our lifestyle – and if we can choose to expand it, we can also choose to shrink it! And that’s exactly what we did. We found a 1,932 sq. ft. house in Tyler on a 1/3rd acre lot, complete with a garage apartment for our college-age daughter, and we have NO payments on anything! We live entirely off of cash, not credit, and LIFE HAS NEVER FELT SO MARVELOUS!

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, isn’t that great for YOU?! But we don’t have a big piece of property to sell to get ahead!” So what DO you have that you can live without? What kind of albatrosses are around your neck that you’d rather cash-in than to have to keep managing? Consider these questions:

• Could you manage with a smaller house if it meant smaller house payments?
• Do you drive a car that’s a little more expensive than you truly need? Could you manage with a more affordable one to get you around from place to place?
• Do you have clothes in your closet that could be taken to a re-sale shop, freeing up more space to properly store the ones you actually wear?
• Do you have an abundance of “stuff” in your basement, attic, or garage that you’d be willing to part with for the right price? Then have a big yard sale!
• Are there extra computers, video games, televisions, other electronics that you don’t use as often and could easily live without? Jewelry that you rarely wear? Interesting collectibles that collect far more dust than interest? Sell them on E-Bay!

Every dollar you generate could be one less dollar you owe on your house, and several less dollars in interest accruing on your mortgage loan between now and the time you actually get it paid off!

And when you do get it paid off, guess what you’re able to do even MORE of than you ever have before?! (hint: the answer is NOT buy more stuff you don’t need or eat out far more often, although having more expendable income is a nice perk!)

Now you’re in a position to be a HUGE BLESSING to others! Whether it’s giving more to your local church, supporting more missionaries, donating more heartily to charitable organizations, or however you decide to invest in God’s kingdom, there is NO GREATER JOY than to be able to GIVE in order to help others!

Golda Meir said, “You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.” Dave Ramsey says, “Vow to never hold your money so tightly that you never give any away. Hoarding money is not the way to wealth. Save for yourself, save for your family’s future, and be gracious enough to bless others. You can do all three at the same time.”

Indeed, you can do all three at the same time. And when you exchange the stress and pressure of big monthly mortgage payments and living off of credit for the FREEDOM of being DEBT-FREE, you’ll breathe a BIG sigh of RELIEF in your marriage…

And a BIG sigh of PASSION in your marriage bed as a result.

Seriously, I’ve learned that there IS a clear connection between financial freedom and sexual confidence. Test the theory for yourself, and see if becoming a more confident money manager doesn’t make you a more sexually confident wife as well!

Warmly,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

Hot Tip #72 – Get Financial Peace – Part 3

In addition to (1) establishing a small emergency fund, (2) paying off all debt except our house, and (3) putting aside 3-6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account, we followed Dave Ramsey’s 4th and 5th baby steps toward Financial Peace as well, which are:

• Invest 15% of your income for retirement
• College funding for your kids

It’s so easy to coast through the first years of marriage thinking, “We’ll be able to save for retirement and college funds later! Right now we’ve got more pressing financial concerns!” (like that big screen TV your husband wants, or that new landscaping you’d like to have done in front of the house)

But guess what? Retirement and college creeps up on us much faster than we realize! It seems like yesterday I was wiping my kids noses and butts, and today my kids are a freshman and a junior in college! And retirement once seemed like forever away, but my husband is only 15 years away from being the proverbial age 65.

Basically, we decided that investing 15% of our income toward retirement wasn’t an option. It was a requirement. Why? Quite simply, because we don’t want to be a burden on our kids, or on the government, or on society. We don’t want to be eating Alpo in our old age because we can’t afford ground beef.

You may think I’m exaggerating, but think about it. For those who choose to retire (or are forced to because of health reasons), we may have a LOT of years between our last gainfully-employed paycheck and our last breath. Will we have enough money saved to be financially independent? Or will we be at the mercy of our adult children who’ve got enough financial stresses trying to raise their own children… or at the mercy of a government welfare system that is collapsing a little more each day?

Come on, Ladies! Let’s put on our big girl panties and not leave all of the financial responsibilities and concerns up to our husbands! We’ve got to WAKE UP AND GET A SNIFF OF REALITY! Money doesn’t grow on trees… not now, nor in our old age! We’ve got to start saving for the long-term future TODAY! So pay YOURSELF first (after taxes and tithe), and make sure retirement funding is a serious priority in your budgeting process!

As for college funding, we have a special friend (whom shall remain nameless) that I’ll forever be indebted to because of the wisdom she brought into our (and our children’s) lives. Basically, she chose to attend a private Christian college for all 4 years of her education because they offered her a 50% scholarship. Sounds peachy, right? But those peaches had a lot of pits in them. Each year still totaled $20,000 in tuition. Multiply times 4 years and you’ve got $80,000 worth of student loan debt (not to mention the interest that accrues on that debt each month, which is astounding in and of itself!). Then she married a guy who’d done the exact same thing. So together they have $160,000 worth of student loan debt! In researching ways to relieve some of that debt load, she learned that there is NO legal way out of it, not even declaring bankruptcy. In fact, the suicide rates among post-college graduates are exorbitantly higher than other segments of the population, and my suspicion is that it’s because of the depressing job market combined with the overwhelming burden of heavy student loan debt.

So we sat our children down and said, “Here are your options… we are very fortunate to have two great schools in our back yard, Tyler Junior College (less than $1000 per semester) and University of Texas at Tyler (approximately $3,000 per semester). Or there are tons of schools to choose from away from home (ranging in price up to $30,000 per semester). We will try to pay your tuition and books as best we can, but whatever the difference is between what you choose to spend and what we can personally afford will be YOURS to finance and pay off in the future. If you attend a local college or university, you can live at home for free with few rules or responsibilities other than live a moral life and keep your grades up. If you choose to go away to college, your living expenses are your own. You’ll either have to work a job and pay as you go, or you will have to figure out a way to finance those expenses and pay them off later as well.” (Translation: We don’t have a silver spoon to stick into your mouth, so don’t expect a “free ride” through college.)

Funny how children can do math much better than we realize, especially when it is THEIR money they are spending. Today my daughter is working on a bachelor’s degree in fine arts at U.T. Tyler, hoping to pursue her master’s degree and teach art on a university level someday. My son is knocking out his basics at Tyler Junior College, hoping to study international business down the road. Neither of them have ANY student loan debt at ALL. And we hope to keep it that way. Can you imagine how FREE they will feel on graduation day, with their whole career in front of them, and NO student loan debt behind them? That will be a grand and glorious day for the whole family!

All that to say, help your kids make responsible choices when it comes to college. Don’t overpromise financial assistance, then under-deliver, leaving them to hold a heavier financial bill than they can comfortably manage. Then you’re setting THEM up to have a rough and rocky marriage due to money woes! Teach them to be financially responsible by modeling exactly what that looks like, Mom and Dad!

Again, you may wonder what all of this has to do with sexual confidence since these are my “Hot Tips for Sexually Confident Wives!” Do you realize how difficult it is to have a strong, vibrant, healthy sex life when your marriage isn’t feeling so strong, vibrant, or healthy? And when we let debt pile up and money issues stress us to the max, our marriages are definitely going to be stressed to the max as well!!!

I once heard a comedian use the slogan, “Happy Wife, Happy Life!” I’d also add, “Stress-free wallet, stress-free marriage, stress-free marriage bed!”

Wishing you tremendous financial peace,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

Hot Tip #71 – Get Financial Peace! – Part 2

As mentioned in the last Hot Tip, the most difficult season of our marriage (which also wreeked havoc on our marriage bed) was in 2008. At the time, Greg was a stay at home dad because I had grown so busy with all of the writing and speaking I’d been doing that we wanted to make sure at least one of us was available to our two children whenever needed. We both volunteered for this “role reversal,” but this meant I was feeling the burden of responsibility of being the sole breadwinner, at least temporarily. And boy, did I develop a new appreciation for men who carry that burden their whole lives just so their wives can stay home with the children! If you’re one of those women, GO HUG YOUR MAN RIGHT NOW!!!

When the economy went sour in 2008, most authors’ book sales went sour with it. Books are like Starbuck’s lattes… they’re an optional purchase that get carved out of the budget when folks have to tighten their belts. (and yes, Starbuck’s stock plummeted that year as well.)

So my income dropped by 50% from one royalty check to the other, and then six months later when the next check came it dropped by another 50%. If I told you that I’m going to cut your salary in HALF within six months, and then in HALF AGAIN in the next six months, you’d probably look for another job, huh?

But this ministry is my baby, so that wasn’t an option.

So we had to learn to drastically tighten our financial belts as well… and as a result, our sexual belts received some much-needed slack. Once we got a black-and-white game plan going strong, we were able to relax, exhale, and not spend our evening hours bickering over finances or worrying how we were going to manage. We were able to focus on loving and pleasuring each other again, which is what those bedtime hours are supposed to be all about!

In addition to cutting up our credit cards and establishing a “cash only” system for all purchases as I mentioned in the last Hot Tip, we also took Dave Ramsey’s advice and followed the first three baby steps of his “Seven Tip Plan for Financial Peace.”

First, we established a dedicated Emergency Fund, which is baby step #1. No more panicking when a car broke down or a refrigerator died. Some household expenses simply can’t be avoided, and to have to put stuff like that on a credit card and wonder how/when you’ll be able to pay that off created far more stress on the budget (and us) than necessary. We began with the minimum $1,000, and let it grow from there until we accumulated the 3-6 months of living expenses that Dave recommends in baby step #3. Now we can absorb expensive household emergencies with nothing more than a shrug and an “Oh, well. That’s life!” Even if Greg lost his job, or one of us was too injured to work for a while, or my royalty stream dried up even more, or I didn’t have a lot of speaking events on the calendar, we wouldn’t have to panic financially. Feels good. Feels VERY good.

Baby step #2 was to pay off ALL debt except our house. This wasn’t too terribly difficult for us because we never let credit card balances build up anyway, and we don’t mind driving moderate vehicles that we pay cash for so as to avoid car payments altogether. Our most recent car purchase earlier this year was a very nice 2004 Honda Accord with 120,000 miles (just getting broken in for a Honda) that we found for $11,000. Do you know how fantastic it feels to be able to write a check for a car and drive it off the lot with NO car payment looming over you? My daughter had a similar experience this year when a woman hit her and totaled her Scion. As she shopped for a replacement car, she was very determined NOT to spend more than the insurance company check she had in her hand, and after some shrewd negotiations she drove a 2005 Jetta of the lot for $10,000 cash and NO additional payments. That kind of financial freedom is absolutely priceless!

I guess to really understand the value of paying cash vs. carrying a loan on something, you have to understand interest rates. If you were to buy a $15,000 car with cash, you’d pay $15,000. But to finance that car for 4 years at 10% interest, your payments would be $380.44. Multiply that monthly payment times 48 months, and now you paid $18,261.12 for that car! Another scenario is what we do to ourselves when we go on a credit card shopping spree. Let’s say you charge $1,000 of clothes or household items to your credit card, and make a payment of $36.15 each month. Not only will it take you 3 years to pay that off, you’ll have paid 30% more for the merchandise considering the standard 18% interest rate most credit card companies charge. In fact, most companies require you only to pay such a LOW monthly payment, that you wind up accumulating interest faster than you reduce your balance, so you just keep getting deeper and deeper in debt, without even buying anything else at all!

So do yourself and your marriage a BIG favor! Cut those credit cards up, begin paying off all of your balances, establish a budget and a “cash only” system, and begin to SAVE rather than SPEND! Create some wiggle room in your life so that you can spend far less energy worrying about money, and spend far more energy investing in each other!

Wishing you tremendous financial peace,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

In an attempt to keep the Advent Season sacred, I’ll be taking the month of December off of blogging.

In the interim I’ll be sharing with you how Dave Ramsey saved our marriage and helped US find Financial Peace!

I’ll reconnect with you in January with some really EXCITING news!  (and no, I’m not pregnant!)

Hot Tip #70 – Get Financial Peace!

In previous Hot Tips I’ve talked about buying what makes you feel sexy (in reference to lingerie and most recently a pair of Target sandals that I affectionately call my “Heidi Klum shoes“). While it doesn’t hurt to spend a little money on yourself on occasion, and investing in your sexual relationship can reap tons of long-term interest in your marriage, today I want to take you in the opposite direction – toward saving instead of spending!

You might wonder, “What’s that got to do with sexual confidence?”

When I think back to the most sexually “dry” spell in our entire 21 years of marriage, I was surprised at what I realized. It wasn’t when we had little babies waking us up for feedings throughout the night… it wasn’t when I was going through six months of intense counseling to get to the root causes of so many of my issues… it was in 2008-2009 when the bottom dropped out of the economy and reeked havoc on many marriages, including mine.

I remember waiting until bedtime after the kids were out of earshot to begin asking questions of my C.P.A. husband, trying to develop survival strategies after he had no more fuel left in his mental gas tank. What did this do to our libido? It killed it completely. What did this do to our sleep? Threw a wrench into it. (Suggestion #1 – Talk about financial matters long before bedtime! The bedroom is for sex & sleep, not stress!)

What did all of this do to our marriage? Made it rocky for a while, until we took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University course at our church, which allowed us to transition from “stress” to “strength.” I’ve said many times, “Dave Ramsey saved our marriage.”

Since the economic crisis continues to loom large, my guess is that a lack of financial peace is still negatively affecting many couples’ marriages, including their marriage bed. So in the next few Hot Tips I want to share with you some of the things we did – some small, some BIG – to turn our financial picture around and bring peace back into our lives, marriage, and bedroom.

The first big adjustment we made is that we drastically changed the way we made all purchases. We used to put everything on a credit card because (a) we liked getting frequent flyer miles for every dollar spent, and (b) it allowed Greg to easily track every place our money went. However, we learned that there’s a dangerous mentality to swiping that credit card at every checkout stand, a mentality that says, “I’m not having to pay for this now… I’ll be able to pay for it later.” Which usually means you spend more. LOTS more. So even if you’re paying the balance off every month to avoid interest charges, you’re still spending more than you really need to.

But when you’re handing over hard cold cash, there’s more of a feeling of “stinginess.” We don’t want to let go of cash so easily. So we limit our purchases to the absolute necessities, allowing us to hold on to more of our cash. And this is a GREAT mentality to have!

So we got rid of every credit card except one that we use for business expenses, and one that we use for emergencies only. I purchased a special wallet that had an “envelope system” (available at www.daveramsey.com, or just make your own!) which allows you to set certain amounts of cash aside for certain monthly purchases. We sat down and established a set budget for things like groceries, clothing, dining out, household expenses, kids’ allowances, gifts, etc. At the beginning of every month, we’d take out ONLY as much cash as needed to replenish those envelopes.

The most important rule was: Once that money is gone, we stop spending! If we ran out of “dining out” money before the end of the month, we didn’t eat out until the following month. If we ran out of “grocery” money before the end of the month, I either had to borrow it from one of the other envelopes (like the “clothing” envelope) or I’d have to rummage through the deep freeze to put meals together (which I needed to do more often anyway).

Even taking just this first baby step brought tons of relief to our relationship. And in the coming Hot Tips, I’ll tell you how we’ve gone from just “relief” to “REJOICING” by establishing even more financial peace in our lives! So stay tuned…

Wishing YOU financial peace as well,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.
Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality & Spirituality
www.shannonethridge.com
www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

As a life coach, I’m often contacted by wives in distress.  They’re seeking help for their dysfunctional marriage relationship, but they’re only bringing me half of the problem.  It takes TWO to tango… two to step on each other’s toes… and two to work things out.  Yet so often she explains, “My husband says he won’t see a counselor.”

WHY are men so unwilling to engage in any sort of outside therapeutic relationship when needed, even though they say they have every intention of staying married?

There could be lots of reasons for his hesitation, such as personal pride, the assumption that the problem is all her’s, fear of feeling “exposed,” the assumption that counselors are only for “sick” or “crazy” people, etc.

But I think most often, it boils down to one main thing.  In a man’s mind, being married and being emotionally available are often two SEPARATE things.  In a woman’s mind, the two are inseparable.  Thus the saying, “Men are waffles and women are spaghetti.”  By nature, men compartmentalize things in their mind and don’t let things overlap (such as the square pockets in a waffle), and women allow everything to blend together (such as spaghetti noodles on a plate).

Case in point:  A husband who looks at pornography will sometimes feel like “this has nothing to do with our marriage!  This is a completely separate thing!” whereas the wife more often feels like “this has everything to do with our marriage!  How can you think I wouldn’t be devastated by this?”

As a wife, you might not want to wait until strife and tension surface to inquire about your husband’s emotional commitment to you and to working out whatever issues may arise in the future.  For example, consider this excerpt from AOL.com Living:

Sure you may have a marriage commitment from your man, but do you have an emotional commitment? Emotional commitments are promises you and your partner make to one another about how you each plan to grow as an individual and as a couple. They are things you should talk about over and over again before you even get engaged. Here’s a list of the five basic emotional commitments:

• He is committed to learning everything he can about you.
• He is committed to always trying to be a better mate by actively working on improving himself and getting rid of any unhealthy emotional habits.
• He is committed to working hard to express his love through words and through affection, and to fulfill your needs.
• He is committed to doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work. He will work on problems by discussing them, and using books, tapes, counseling, or any other tools available to help your marriage.
• He is committed to staying emotionally open in your relationship. He will communicate his feelings to you, let you know what’s going on inside of him, and reach out, rather than push you away.

This type of understanding between the two of you when things are going well can make getting the help you need much easier when things aren’t going so well.  I’m sure most counselors and coaches agree with what I experience in my practice – that healing and relational success come much more quickly (an inexpensively) when BOTH husband and wife are fully involved in the process.

I’m sure you’ve seen the magazines at the grocery store checkout counter and wondered the same thing I have — What is it with Kim Kardashian pulling the plug on marriage SO quickly?

While we can only speculate, this current event inspired one of my BLAST participants, Rebecca Larson, to pen the following blog post.  Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your insightful words of encouragement for all of us gals, both married and single!

—————————————

Kim Kardashian posted a note to her fans today on her website and it struck a chord with me.

… First and foremost I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this…Everyone knows I am a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon. I believe in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people… I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t ready to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for… I’m sorry if I hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

I do not have first hand experience with what she said, but my husband does, so I wanted to share a little bit about his story.

Back in 2002, my husband thought he had found the girl of his dreams. Physically, she was everything he had ever wanted. Emotionally, they clicked. Spiritually, she was a beautiful reflection of Christ and His love. So, a couple months after entering into a relationship with her, my husband asked his dream girl to marry him. She said yes and they spent a little over a year planning an extravagant and fairy tale like wedding.

Just three months after pledging to spend their lives together, my husband was devastated by his bride’s decision to leave the marriage. He begged and pleaded, offered to go to counseling and even got desperate and dramatic, but her mind was made up. She had to “follow her heart.” She gave a lot of different reasons to my husband and her friends and acquaintances, but in the end, I believe it was just as Kim said. You get caught up and then can’t find a way to end it.

Almost all little girls dream about our wedding day. We think about the dress we will wear and the flowers we will hold. We imagine the perfect man waiting for us at the altar, but, in our imaginations, we rarely go beyond that special moment. We don’t dream about blending our life with the life of another human being. We don’t fantasize about morning breath or toe nail clippings. We love the idea of being swept off of our feet but do we love the idea of truly doing life with another person day in and day out?

My husband told me a thousand times while we were engaged, “plan for the marriage, not just the wedding.” He had learned his lesson and was wiser for it. His heart ached for a long time. He felt duped by the girl of his dreams (who turned out to be anything but) and forsaken by the God that he served faithfully. However, when I met my husband in the summer of 2006 (two years after dream girl left), he was a strong man who had been refined by the fire and understood what it meant to pledge forever.

We have to slow things down. We have to be prayerful about all things; especially huge, life altering decisions like marriage. We can’t give up easily. We have to know what kind of commitment we are making and stick to it. Trust me, you will be blessed.

We live in a society that stresses fierce independence and dogged self absorption, but that won’t get us anywhere. Love cannot be displayed, given or received in a world full of people who only care about themselves. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Sometimes following our hearts, as much as we think it will make us feel better, is absolutely the wrong thing to do; especially when we have hardened our hearts to God’s loving regulations for our lives.

Divorce, in this situation (in the absence of marital unfaithfulness or any sort of abuse), is sin. There are consequences for sin. Ask dream girl. I don’t know her personally, but we have mutual friends and I know that it was a long road toward restoration and wholeness for her. God loves his children and just as a human parent disciplines their own child, so does God. Revelation 3:19a says “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.” Not everything that is good for us, whether it is being disciplined or sticking it out and working very hard to make a relationship work, is pain free, pleasant and enjoyable. In fact, I would go as far to say that the things in my life that have been the most painful, unpleasant and unenjoyable are the same things that have made me into all of the good things that I am today. (Check out Hebrews 12)

My heart is broken over this news about Kim Kardashian. Anytime a heart is broken and a marriage is ended, it is sad. It is hard to imagine that kind of pain. But you know what? My God is a God of love, forgiveness and restoration. God loves Kim K. and His heart is aching right along with hers.

He loves you as well! In all of your struggles and sin and bad decisions and heartache, He longs for restoration for you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

If you are struggling right now; if you feel like you have made a mistake and simply got caught up in the loveliness of an idea, know that if you follow Him, He can make it work. If you are currently on that roller coaster and feel like it is too late to get off (engaged and not yet married), know that it is not too late. Slow down and plan for your life together. Think about the devastation you will leave behind if you wait any longer than you really should.

In the end, it all boils down to making the choice to simply love – unconditionally. We are loved deeply by the Originator and Creator of love. There is nothing we have done or can do that will ever change that. It is a matter of accepting His love first, and then turning around and sharing that love with your marriage partner.