Shannon Ethridge's Blog

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Moving Beyond Sexual Abuse

“Every sexual experience brings up bitter memories of childhood sexual abuse. Is it possible to have a happy marriage without sex?”

To have a happy marriage, both individuals need to be happy.  Would your husband really be satisfied with a sexless marriage?  Wouldn’t you both be happier if you could heal the scars of sexual abuse and enjoy a healthy sex life together?

With one-third of women having experienced sexual abuse, many have walked wounded in the area of sexuality, myself included. But rather than withdrawing from my husband, I managed to invite him into my healing process.  When I tearfully told Greg how disgusted I felt by my uncle’s mustache when he forced me to kiss him, Greg gently asked, “Is that why you don’t kiss me as often since I grew a mustache?” I hadn’t made the connection. The next morning Greg shaved his mustache off, and we caught up on months of missed kisses. Very healing.

Be sure to let your husband know your struggle isn’t with him, but with unresolved trauma from past sexual abuse.  Discuss ways that you might feel more safe and secure.  For example:

• Incorporate relaxation techniques as foreplay, such as lighting a candle and praying while in each other’s arms or taking a hot bath together.
• Leave the lights on.  Make the visual connection that you’re with your husband who loves you, not someone who wants to harm you.
• Use a non-offensive code word (such as “red light” or “molasses”) if you begin to feel negatively about a certain activity and want him to stop.  His willingness to do so will help you re-establish a sense of safety as your boundaries are respected.

Don’t let your sexual abuser continue robbing you of the joy, passion, and pleasure that God intendeds both you and your husband to enjoy.  Seek professional counseling if needed. You were a victim once, but you don’t have to be anymore.

Recommended Reading:

The Sexually Confident Wife (click here to order)

Why Do I Feel Like Hiding?:  How to Overcome Shame and Guilt by Daniel Green & Mel Lawrenz (Baker Books)

In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!

I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying!  And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way!  You can email me directly at askshannon@shannonethridge.com

Is Low Sex-Drive a “Generational Curse?”

Bill from Philadelphia writes:

“Hey, Shannon, I have a question I’ve never heard asked or answered.  Can low sex drive (or NO sex drive) in a woman (or man) be a generational curse?  You know, the Bible talks about curses running through families.  My wife has an extremely low sex drive and so did her mother and grandmother.  It’s created a lot of problems as you can imagine.”

Dear Bill:

I’ve never heard of low sex drive being a generational curse, especially since no woman is particularly mentioned in the Bible as having a low sex drive (although I guess some of them could have).  I assume by your question you’re referring to the following passage of Scripture:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  (Exodus 20:4-6)

Although it’s easy to read this passage and tremble in fear over what “generational curses” we (or our spouse) may have inherited, I want to call your attention to the words following that foreboding statement:  “…of those who hate me, but showing LOVE to a THOUSAND generations of those who love me…”  The reason why this last part of the sentence is so key is because as believers in Christ Jesus, all generational curses are completely broken!  We do NOT suffer punishment for the sins of generations past.

The reality is that sometimes we give Satan too much credit or try to spiritualize something that’s actually very humanly-driven.  By nature, human beings are drawn to the familiar, and if it was familiar for a woman to grow up around other women with low sex drives, low self-esteem, victim mentalities, etc., it’s only natural that she will gravitate that direction too.

But the good news is that learned behavior can also be unlearned.  Women developing new, healthier patterns of relating sexually within marriage is exactly what this ministry is all about, so I hope your wife will visit both our websites (www.shannonethridge.com and www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com) and check out a few of the books and other blogs for inspiration!  I’d particularly recommend The Sexually Confident Wife book! 

Special thanks to Donald Miller for crafting this blog, and to Terrica Smith for calling it to my attention.

When Solomon wrote Song of Songs, a dramatic opera about a young, poor woman who fell in love with a Shepherd king, do you think he had “the voice of the church” in his head? Do you think he was worried about what a group of people might think? Of course the evangelical church didn’t exist, then, and neither did the collective evangelical consciousness, but what I mean by that question is that if Solomon were writing today, and were writing an Opera for young kids about the ways of love, he would no doubt be attacked. My guess is the criticisms would be listed as such:

1. His opera does not mention God. Why wouldn’t he use this opportunity to bring people to God? He’s a Godless man.

2. His opera is erotic, filled with sexual imagery and even sexual instruction. It’s unfitting for any person to read, much less young couples.

3. It’s confusing. We don’t know where the acts begin. It isn’t structured. It’s amature.

4. He never mentions sex should be saved till marriage, so he must be endorsing pre-marital sex.

5. There seems to be no point to the work. If he’s trying to teach something, you can’t figure out what it is, and if he isn’t trying to teach something, what’s the point of reading it or listening to it as an opera?

And so on and so on.

Here’s the point of this blog post: There is a difference between what “the church” wants you to do and what God wants you to do. Do what God wants you to do. Go and create, even as you were made to create.

If you replaced “Song of Solomon” with “The Sexually Confident Wife” you’d know what kind of response I received from a handful of attendees from the First Self-Righteous Church.

We chose to ignore them and press on with the message of “embracing and enjoying healthy sexual intimacy in marriage” that God stirred up in us, regardless of what a few “church ladies” had to say about it.

The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays for many reasons – the fireworks, the family picnics, the pool parties, all that fun stuff.  While celebrating the independence of our country is certainly a big deal, I usually do some soul-searching around this time of year to reflect on and celebrate my OWN independence as well!

What kind of independence am I referring to?  I’ll share a few examples from my own life and from the lives of many women I talk with each week through my coaching practice (whose names have been changed, of course!)…

• It’s been 12 years since an extramarital emotional entanglement loomed large over my life, threatening my marriage, my family, and my own sanity!   We just celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary, and I’m thrilled that we made it through that season and learned how to not just survive, but to THRIVE in our marriage!
• Obsessions with how I look and what others think of me have dissipated such that I can concentrate on the millions of other, more important things in life!
• After a 3-year sexual affair with a married man, Katrina has had ZERO contact with her ex-lover for 18 months, proving to herself that she does NOT need a man to feel complete and live a fulfilling life!
• After years of bitterness and resentment toward her dad, Beth has been able to choose forgiveness and move on without feeling the desperate need to search for an alternative “father figure” to fill the void.
• Sarah just celebrated 4 years of sobriety from a pornography addiction that plagued her from the ages of 8 through 30, claiming “Freedom feels far better than slavery!”
• After suffering through the sexual advances of a co-worker for over 6 months (and admittedly almost “caving in” under the pressure), Mindy finally found the courage to leave her job and find a new one, resulting in a healthier work environment, a shorter commute, AND a 10% increase in pay!

It feels so great to be INDEPENDENT rather than CO-DEPENDANT, doesn’t it Ladies?!!

Have YOU taken time to celebrate YOUR independence as a sexual woman who maintains healthy boundaries and a positive self-esteem?  What better time than Independence Day to press the “pause” button and do exactly that!

Or if you’re in need of life coaching to overcome sexual addictions or unpack some emotional baggage that’s dragging you down, go to www.shannonethridge.com/coaching to learn more!

Dear Shannon,

I’m a 41-year-old married woman of 13 years, and I am blown away by your book Every Woman’s Battle! A male friend told me about it (because he’s reading Every Man’s Battle), and I honestly didn’t think it would pertain to me, but how wrong I was! I AM the women in the book. I’ve know for years that something wasn’t quite right, but didn’t know how to put it into words.

I realize now I am a certified ‘flirt.’ I look for love in all the wrong places. I crave male attention. I’m literally the person you wrote this book for. I’m so grateful you’ve brought this topic out in the open!

I want to do some kind of study at my church on the topic. I have the gift of encouragement and teaching and feel very passionate about sharing what I’ve learned with others. I feel like, for the very first time in my life, that I know what God wants to use me for. I’ve always wondered how my past could be used for good…now I know.

Shannon, thank you again for writing this book. So many women relate to this but don’t realize or consider it a “problem.” I get it now.  I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes.  This book is changing my marriage, my very life.

Gratefully,

K

posted by Terrica

We recently received an email from a guy who is absolutely heartbroken regarding the Twilight Saga.  At first glance, we assumed it was simply another husband complaining (albeit rightly so!) about his wife’s over-enthusiasm for the series, but as we continued reading soon realized his cry was far more serious that we could have imagined.  Ladies, take note. Consider this a warning.

Dear Shannon,

I’m writing you because I have no idea who else might understand the situation I find myself in.  My wife has an addiction, though it’s not what you might think.  She addicted to the teen book series called Twilight.   Are you familiar?  I honestly wasn’t until recently.  I mean, I’d heard of them in passing but that was about it.  Well, a few weeks ago out of nowhere she began accusing me of having an affair. I was shocked!  You see, we’re both Christians, happily married with 2 children, and when I say happily I mean it.  We’ve always had a great marriage, great sex life, great everything.  So when she began falsely accusing me of infidelity for no apparent reason, I was dumbstruck.  When I asked her WHY she thought such a thing, she said there had to be someone else because I just didn’t pursue and romance her the way I used to.  I admit, I probably don’t pursue her the way I did when we were first dating, but I’m still very affectionate, loving, affirming, bring her flowers…you get the idea.  It isn’t like I’m cold and distant.

Anyway–over the course of a few weeks she kept starting these arguments out of nowhere, and then in the middle of them she’d say what she really wanted was to have sex.  No kidding.  She’d go from hating me to wanting me sexually all in the same conversation, well, argument really.  You can imagine how confused I was by the whole interaction. The REALLY weird thing was–she seemed completely mentally absent during the act.  Like…she wasn’t even there.  At first she’d simply close here eyes the ENTIRE time, but eventually–without being too graphic–she wanted to engage in intercourse in such positions that she literally couldn’t see me.  After this occurred a few times I sort of confronted it, and she admitted she had been fantasizing about ‘some actor–no big deal’.  I knew she’d been reading the series but hadn’t thought much of it.  I started doing some digging online and realized she had been spending HOURS looking at photos of this Robert Pattinson guy who plays the vampire in the books.  She has also been watching the movies over and over while I was at work.  I was floored! I asked her if that was him, the guy she was fantasizing about and she admitted it was, but when I asked her to stop reading the books she refused.  A few days later, still really bothered by the whole thing, I asked again and she still refused.  Then things really got strange.  I got incredibly angry and told her the books had become an idol and that I wouldn’t have it in my house–to which she started screaming at me.  It was a side of her I’d NEVER seen in our 8 years of marriage.  I took the books and started towards the door to trash them, and she ATTACKED me.  Physically, literally attacked me.  She kept screaming, “Give me my books back!”  I had to hold her down until she calmed, but even then she was still so angry she ordered me to leave.  I stayed at my buddies apartment that night, thinking it was a good thing to give us time to cool off.  What I didn’t expect was that I’d end up staying there 4 consecutive nights.  It’s been over two weeks now since that big fight, and when I’ve tried to talk to her she says she wants a divorce.  She says she just isn’t happy with me anymore, that she wants something different, something more.  No matter what I say her eyes just look empty.

Shannon, I am so heartbroken.  I feel like I’ve lost my precious wife to a fictional character that isn’t even REAL. What do I do? I don’t know how to be MORE.  I love her deeply, and our children.  I provide for them, always have.  We have a beautiful home and life together…  I don’t know what else I can give her that I don’t already. I’ve suggested counseling but she says she isn’t interested, that it won’t help.  What do I do?  I’m at a loss.  Please help.

Jason

Reading this email breaks my heart over and over again.  I don’t have words to express my sadness.  The incredibly interesting part of his email however, was an excerpt he included from an article he’d found online by Steve Wohlberg.  In you aren’t aware, Stephanie Meyer (the author) wrote this series after the concept came to her in a DREAM.  She had never written anything before this series was birthed.  She’s been asked multiple times if she’s ever dreamed of her characters again, and she says she has only ONCE:

“Shockingly, after Stephenie Meyer’s unexpected rise to stardom, she later confessed,

I actually did have a dream after Twilight was finished of Edward coming to visit me — only I had gotten it wrong and he did drink blood like every other vampire and you couldn’t live on animals the way I’d written it. We had this conversation and he was terrifying. (2)

I’m convinced that the “Edward” who appeared to Stephenie Meyer in her two dreams was a demon with a secret, diabolical agenda. What agenda? Based on what God’s Book says in Revelation 12:11, it was to keep sinful mortals focused on the wrong blood. Judging by the public’s response to the Twilight novels and movies, there’s no doubt that his hellish plot has been successful”

Fascinating, huh?  Check out the full article here:

http://www.movieguide.org/articles/1/545/the-darkness-of-twilight-hidden-perils-behind-todays-vampire-craze

In order to guard your marriages ladies, you MUST guard your hearts!  It is of absolute, paramount importance.  Don’t be sucked into this craze.  Your husbands and children are worth far more than a fictional obsession with teenage vampires and werewolves!

Do you agree??  Have you heard of similar situations like Jason’s?  Did you get sucked in, too?  Would love to hear your story, if so.  I’ll be sharing mine soon!

posted by Terrica

A reader from Australia recently sent us this photo of her daughter Lily, age 2.  She left her in bed to take a nap, but when checking in a bit later found her propped up in bed reading!   We may have just discovered out youngest fan, ever

Remember moms (and dads), it’s never too early to teach your daughters about embracing her role as the bride of Christ!