Archive for the 'Friends' Category
Help For Disillusioned Wives–Shannon on Every Woman’s Marriage
posted by Terrica
Our thanks to Debbie Chavez for featuring Shannon on her show recently! In case you missed it, you can hear the interview in its entirety here. Enjoy!
No commentsKalyn’s Secret
Another great resource, particularly for parents, that we know you’ll appreciate! In Shannon’s own words, “you’ll be challenged and inspired.” Check it out:
No commentsI Could Learn a Lot from a Coffee Bean
We recently introduced you to current BLAST participant, Kathy Floyd, and after seeing this post on her personal blog we immediately knew it was something we wanted to share with our own readers. Enjoy! –SEM staff
I was reminded this weekend at my BLAST class (www.shannonethridge.com/blast if you’re curious) of a story about some hot water. Hot water is usually a good thing. Think lobster. Showers. Cocoa. Steaming your pores.
Sometimes I really like me some hot water. Other times not so much.
I greatly enjoy a good hot bath. REALLY hot. Especially in winter, I love to let the hot water run over my hands and feet while the tub fills up. If I’m cold and nothing else seems to help, a hot bath will warm me right up. Putting something fragrant in my hot water just makes the whole experience rich. Give me some Bath and Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint products (body wash, foaming bath AND sugar scrub, thank you) and I can turn into a happy, happy girl . . . at least until the water gets cold. (I like the Arbonne Sea Source scent too, just so you know. Shameless plug for my sis-in-law’s stuff.)
I (and the other grownup I reside with) like a hot bath so much that one of the things on our house’s bucket list is a tankless water heater. Those pricey little appliances give you the ability to have all the hot water you want instantly. No more running the tank dry and then having to wait for it to manufacture more. Trust me, I can run a hot water tank dry all by myself, no assistance required. If you want a bath at my house, you better get yours before I get mine. (That sounded funny . . . I’m hoping none of y’all want a bath at my house. It was a figure of speech.) It’s great for doing laundry and dishes too . . . like I care.
Hot water can also refer to something that’s not so soothing. It’s called Trouble. As in “that girl done gone and got herself in some hot water.” I’ve done that before . . . gotten myself in a spot of hot water. You don’t really need to know more than that. It’s enough to confess that I can understand how lobsters feel.
Of course, like with lobsters, sometimes we don’t crawl into the hot pot ourselves. We get thrown in. Or it gets thrown on us. Guess what? It’s still awfully hot either way.
I guess that’s a lot of what makes the difference between hot water that is tolerable and the kind that is not. Did I choose it for myself? Okay then. Or did I get subjected to it against my will? I’m still cooked, and that’s just flat-out not fair.
On a side note, there are those who choose the hot water for themselves, and then get irritated about the consequences and think you did it to them. Shame on you, you lobster-killer, you! But that would be a whole ‘nuther post for a whole ‘nuther day.
Anyway, here’s the story I was reminded of this weekend (thanks Debbie Heatwole):
A man was trying to teach his daughter about responding correctly to stressful situations in life. To illustrate his lesson, he brought three pots of water to a boil on top of the stove. Into one, he put some carrots. Into the second, he put an egg. Into the third, he put ground coffee beans.
A little while later, he turned off the burners and let the pots cools down somewhat. Then he continued his instruction by pulling the carrots out of the first pot. He asked his daughter, “Can you tell me what happened to these carrots when they were cooked?” She replied, “Well, they were firm, but the hot water made them all soft, kind of mushy, actually.” ”That’s right,” the father replied. ”Sometimes people who are subjected to stress and trouble get mushy and weak. They’re no longer able to stand firm.”
He then asked her to take the egg from the second pot and describe what she found. ”I know the egg was soft and liquid on the inside before,” she said, “but when I crack the shell, I find that it has gotten hard.” ”And that’s what some people do in hot water,” said the dad. ”They were tender before, but they let the hard circumstances of life make them hard on the inside. Now, go ahead and tell me what you see in the third pot.”
The daughter looked into the pot. ”It’s coffee,” she said. ”Strong coffee. Hmm . . . so you’re saying that some people let hot water make them stronger? Like, the stress actually changes them into something good?” ”You’ve got it!” the father exclaimed! ”The people who are like the coffee beans may not enjoy the experience of being boiled, but when the process is complete, they have become something that is useful, even delicious.”
“I see now what you’re trying to tell me,” said the girl. ”I need to always be careful to be like the coffee beans and let difficult times make me strong, not hard-hearted like the egg, and not weak like the carrots. But hey, Dad, do you see something more in that third pot?” The father looked at it for a minute and then said, “Tell me what you mean.”
The daughter replied, “Dad, not only did the boiling water transform the coffee beans into something good . . . the coffee beans transformed the hot water.”
So here’s what I have to ask myself . . . when life gets tough, do I get mushy? (Yes. I’ve been a cooked carrot mushball lately, and not for the first time in my life.) Or do I get hard-hearted? (Yes. Either I look for somebody or something to be mad at, or I throw up a wall to keep from getting hurt by all that heated liquid you’re slinging around. Of course, it IS you slinging it around.) Or do I get strong? (Well. Hmm. Maybe sometimes? On good days? If everything else goes my way?)
Okay . . . so sometimes, on occasion, every now and then, I can let the hot water of life make me into something usable. If I’m in the mood and it’s not too much trouble. Like a lobster who stays put in the cookpot. I’m such a good girl if I can do that, right? Like, three cheers for that lobster!!!!
Whatever. But am I satisfied with being a good little crustacean just sometimes, on occasion, every now and then? Not really. Do I ever go a step beyond letting trouble transform me to where I actually transform my troubles, maybe even making them more tolerable for others? Not usually.
I could learn a lot from a coffee bean. Uuggghhh! Did I mention I hate the taste of coffee?
I leave you with a loose paraphrase from the book of James for your consideration.
“Count it all joy when you fall into hot water . . . “
What is your current hot water doing to you, or what are you doing to it?
(For more from Kathy check out her blog at http://kathyrodenfloyd.blogspot.com/)
Should a woman be her husband’s accountability partner?
(Our friend, Luke Gilkerson, of CovenantEyes.com recently shared this fantastic article with us and we simply can’t keep it to ourselves. Check it out!)
With the advent of movements like Promise Keepers, accountability has been a buzzword in male Christian community. Men are regularly encouraged by friends, pastors, and mentors to find good accountability partners in their struggle against lust, masturbation, and pornography. But often women will ask me this question: Should I be my husband’s accountability partner in these areas?
Sometimes a husband believes his wife would make an ideal accountability partner. After all, she is around him all the time and knows him in ways no one else does. She is his confidant, friend, lover, and soul-mate. Why not throw “accountability partner” into the mix?
The Pain of Knowing
Our answer to this question centers on the definition of an “accountability partner.” What is accountability, really? Recently I asked Joe Dallas this question. Joe is the author of The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity and speaks widely on the subject of sexual brokenness. He said,
“I don’t personally believe in a wife being a husband’s accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife—and that’s not a contradiction in terms. An accountability partner on a week basis asks you: ‘Did you look at pornography? Did you masturbate? Did you flirt? Did you allow yourself to entertain unclean thoughts? Did you handle your sexuality well this week?’ If the wife is the one asking those questions, the husband is going to be imposing on his wife unnecessary pain and detail.”
I asked Amy Smalley the same question. Amy and her husband regularly counsel couples through their Marriage Restoration Intensive programs. She believes when a husband exclusively looks to his wife to confess his sexual struggles, this only serves to trigger a myriad of false beliefs in her: I’m not satisfying enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough for him, etc. Amy said,
“The reason why it’s not best for her to be the accountability partner is because that directly affects her. There’s a message: when my husband views pornography, whether he does it intentionally or not, he will say, ‘Oh, it has nothing to do with you’—you can say that, but that’s not how she feels. She feels like, ‘This has a direct reflection on me.’”
Fred Stoeker, co-author of Every Man’s Battle, gave me the same answer. He believes the sort of raw details discussed in accountability conversations could be very hurtful to a marriage: “The wife is going to be shocked how many times he stumbles as he tries to win this battle, and it will begin to dishearten her. . . . It will actually hurt the relationship instead of strengthen it.”
While Fred knows of some wives who are able to not be disheartened by their husband’s temptations and sins, he says it is a rare thing.
The Need to Trust
That being said, healthy marriages must be built on honesty and transparency. Jesus, the bridegroom of the church, was pleased to reveal to us everything His Father taught Him (John 15:15). Jesus has given to us His own Spirit who shares with us “the deep things” of God’s heart (1 Corinthians 2:10-12). Husbands, we must follow our Master’s example. We must be open and honest as we share our hearts with our wives.
Joe Dallas mentioned this issue in my conversation with him. While a husband does not need to belabor his wife with intricate details of his sexual struggles, a man should volunteer information to his wife about how he is doing in the fight to stay pure. If there has been a breach of trust in the past, or if he has given into habitual lust, she needs to see the fruit of repentance in her husband. She needs a window to peer into his soul so she can see his diligent faithfulness to her. Trust is built only when he builds a track record of trustworthiness.
In my conversation with Dr. Mark Laaser, he affirmed, “The husband is accountable to the wife to stay sexually pure,” but then quickly added, “but I don’t think the wife should be a part of his network such that she’s engaged at the same level other men are going to be. . . He should have a network of men he is able to call.”
Couples need to dialogue about what sort of details she needs to hear and what details should be reserved for other guys who are helping him in his struggle.
The “Need” to Know
Dr. Laaser also pointed out the slippery slope of spousal accountability. Women have often found “they sometimes get into controlling their husband’s behavior.” Amy Smalley was also very attuned to this tendency in women—when the need to build trust turns into an obsessive curiosity. These obsessive thoughts often feed unforgiveness or a desire to control or manipulate. Joe Dallas told me when a wife is engaged in accountability on a deep level with her husband “it puts the wife in a rather maternal position with a husband,” which he thinks is very unhealthy for a marriage.
What is the difference between helpful honesty that encourages trust and unhelpful probing that leads to tension? The difference is in the heart of the wife. Amy Smalley says this is a matter of serious prayer: God, reveal my motives. Tell me when want to know so I can be confident in my husband’s repentance and when just want to feed my bitterness or control him in some way.
The Need for Male Community
When the struggle is with Internet pornography, many people have made use of accountability software, such as Covenant Eyes. When all of your Internet activity is monitored and detailed reports are sent to others who have agreed to stand with you in fight for purity, this makes an enormous difference in how we use the Web.
I work for Covenant Eyes, and recently we surveyed some of our members and found that about 30% of them have their accountability reports emailed to their wives. For many couples this is a token of real transparency and honesty, as if to say, “My life is completely open to you. I have no secrets. I love you.”
Still, many guys have the same report emailed to other men in their accountability network. These are the men who hear the nitty-gritty details: the lustful glances, the fantasies, and the temptations we face on a regular basis in our sex-saturated world. This is the brotherhood that encourages us to flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace in our world and our relationships (2 Timothy 2:22).
In my conversation with Amy Smalley she said how assuring this can be for a wife, to know her husband is meeting regularly with another guy or a group of men who are engaged in the battle with him. It is freeing to a woman when she knows and trusts the men who surround her husband with encouragement, prayer, and correction. Amy’s message to husbands is for them to find accountability among other brothers:
“Covenant Eyes is a great way for men to be accountable to other men. That way, first of all, there’s some compassion there, because it’s another man who’s hard-wired the same way that you are. And two, it someone that you feel has a connection and that will love you no matter what but really kick you in the pants when you need to, and talk to you the way a man needs to talk to another man.”
If you want to listen to these conversations, please listen to our podcast (11 minutes) on the Covenant Eyes blog.
Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the corporate weblog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and is currently working on his Master of Arts in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a Campus Minister. He lives in Michigan with his wife Trisha and two sons.
Re(treat)ing into the Woods
I love the word “retreat”… or “re-TREAT”… or “retr-EAT!” depending on how you look at it!
With the launch of our first BLAST class this past Sunday (which was a huge adrenaline rush for us all), I’ve spent the past several weeks preparing like crazy. And the immediate future looks just as crazy, with speaking engagements almost every weekend from September 24 through November 15th. SO, I’m taking full advantage of this THIS weekend, running away by myself tomorrow for a private 24-hour retreat at one of my favorite Texas State Parks. Then my family and a handful of dear friends will join me for a camping extravaganza the rest of the weekend – kayaks, campfires, wild-n-crazy card games, etc.!
Thanks for your prayers that this would be an incredibly refreshing time as I gear up for a busy fall, speaking first at the Beyond Beautiful Conference in Oshawa, Ontario, Canada September 24-25th – join us if you can! Go to http://www.shannonethridge.com/speaking.shtml for more information.
No commentsRemembering Ruth, my Sexually Confident Friend
Sorry I haven’t blogged over the past week, but last Friday morning I was awakened to the shocking news of my dear friend Ruth’s sudden death, and life spun a little out of control over the days that followed. She was 47, and leaves behind her husband, Kevin, and six beautiful children ranging in ages from 11 to 21. Ruth developed a blood clot in her lungs 5 days after gall bladder surgery. Her family is here with us now, and Kevin gave his blessing for me to blog today about my “sexually confident friend.”
I met Ruth in 1993 when I was a 25 year-old youth pastor and mother of a one-year old. I was in awe of how highly her husband spoke of her, and how she took such loving care of her houseful of children, not to mention how hospitable she was to the teenagers at their church who often dropped in unannounced. She taught me how to overcome much of my pre-company perfectionism and just go with the flow. She taught me how to lift weights properly and make beautiful quilts. But probably the most valuable thing she taught me was how to be a sexually confident wife.
Hopefully, every woman has someone in her life that she can talk openly with about sexual issues. Ruth was that person for me. It’s odd to think that long before I started talking to the whole world about sex, I talked to Ruth, and now she’s gone.
When I was dressing to impress other men, Ruth spoke the truth in love. When I longed to hit the eject button on my marriage and go looking for the perfect lover, Ruth inspired me to create the perfect love — with the man I already had. She’d tell me how she and Kevin could be fussing and fighting all day, but completely put the argument aside when they went to bed. “We can fight tomorrow, but we’re having sex tonight!” was her attitude. Sex wasn’t something she withheld as punishment for bad behavior, or granted as a reward for good behavior. It was her way of connecting intimately with her husband, and she wasn’t going to let petty things cause either of them to miss out on that connection.
In fact, Ruth and Kevin were the first to invite me to speak to their church’s teenagers about abstinence until marriage in 1995. She was also one of the only friends to which I nervously entrusted my first manuscript for critique in 2000. And as they say, the rest is history. With each weekend conference I’ve led and each book released, she’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders.
In honor of my sexually confident friend, I’d like to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone in three ways:
* First, put aside whatever issue is bothering you about your husband today, and connect sexually with him tonight. It would make Ruth proud to know that her memory inspired such intimacy.
* Next, if you don’t have such a trusted confidante who can be a positive influence in your life and marriage, find one. Find a female mentor who will show you by example how to love well, as Ruth showed me.
* Finally, find a younger woman, and model for her what it looks like to be a sexually confident wife. We’re all on this journey called “life” together, and we all need someone to lead us, as well as someone else to lead.
Thank you, Ruth, for loving us all so well and teaching me how to be a Sexually Confident Wife!
Forever grateful for our sweet friendship,
Shannon
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