Shannon’s SCW Blog

I recently heard the statistic that 84% of people feel they should write a
book, yet less than 1% will ever sit down to write. And only a fraction of
that small number will ever get their writings published.

Are YOU one of those 84% who believe you have a story or two (or ten) to
share? Are you ready to be one of the 1% who actually gets their material
out of their heads and onto paper rather than taking it to the grave?
Possibly even one of the fraction of 1% that gets published?

Or are you one of those who sits in the audience at conferences, watching
the speakers wax eloquent and move the audience to tears, all the while
thinking “I could totally do that!” You’re right. You totally could. But
not until you move from dreaming to doing something about it!

If you’re ready to fulfill your writing and/or speaking dreams, I hope
you’ll consider joining us for our Fall BLAST Class (Building Leaders,
Authors, Speakers & Teachers). Click here to read more about the 12-month
online mentorship program (yes, you can participate from anywhere in the
world as long as you have internet access!). Then watch this short video
to hear what previous BLAST class members have to say about their experience
with the program.

Our fall class begins September 15th, and the application deadline has just
been extended through August 15th. Class size is limited, so start
preparing your application soon!

Email us with your questions at blast@shannonethridge.com

We recently introduced you to current BLAST participant, Kathy Floyd, and after seeing this post on her personal blog we immediately knew it was something we wanted to share with our own readers. Enjoy! –SEM staff

I was reminded this weekend at my BLAST class (www.shannonethridge.com/blast if you’re curious) of a story about some hot water. Hot water is usually a good thing.  Think lobster.  Showers.  Cocoa.  Steaming your pores.

Sometimes I really like me some hot water.  Other times not so much.

I greatly enjoy a good hot bath.  REALLY hot.  Especially in winter, I love to let the hot water run over my hands and feet while the tub fills up.  If I’m cold and nothing else seems to help, a hot bath will warm me right up.  Putting something fragrant in my hot water just makes the whole experience rich.  Give me some Bath and Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint products (body wash, foaming bath AND sugar scrub, thank you) and I can turn into a happy, happy girl . . . at least until the water gets cold.  (I like the Arbonne Sea Source scent too, just so you know.  Shameless plug for my sis-in-law’s stuff.)

I (and the other grownup I reside with) like a hot bath so much that one of the things on our house’s bucket list is a tankless water heater.  Those pricey little appliances give you the ability to have all the hot water you want instantly.  No more running the tank dry and then having to wait for it to manufacture more.  Trust me, I can run a hot water tank dry all by myself, no assistance required.  If you want a bath at my house, you better get yours before I get mine.  (That sounded funny . . . I’m hoping none of y’all want a bath at my house.  It was a figure of speech.) It’s great for doing laundry and dishes too . . . like I care.

Hot water can also refer to something that’s not so soothing.  It’s called Trouble.  As in “that girl done gone and got herself in some hot water.”  I’ve done that before . . . gotten myself in a spot of hot water.  You don’t really need to know more than that.  It’s enough to confess that I can understand how lobsters feel.

Of course, like with lobsters, sometimes we don’t crawl into the hot pot ourselves.  We get thrown in.  Or it gets thrown on us.  Guess what?  It’s still awfully hot either way.

I guess that’s a lot of what makes the difference between hot water that is tolerable and the kind that is not.  Did I choose it for myself?  Okay then. Or did I get subjected to it against my will?  I’m still cooked, and that’s just flat-out not fair.

On a side note, there are those who choose the hot water for themselves, and then get irritated about the consequences and think you did it to them.  Shame on you, you lobster-killer, you!  But that would be a whole ‘nuther post for a whole ‘nuther day.

Anyway, here’s the story I was reminded of this weekend (thanks Debbie Heatwole):

A man was trying to teach his daughter about responding correctly to stressful situations in life.  To illustrate his lesson, he brought three pots of water to a boil on top of the stove.  Into one, he put some carrots.  Into the second, he put an egg.  Into the third, he put ground coffee beans.

A little while later, he turned off the burners and let the pots cools down somewhat.  Then he continued his instruction by pulling the carrots out of the first pot.  He asked his daughter, “Can you tell me what happened to these carrots when they were cooked?”  She replied, “Well, they were firm, but the hot water made them all soft, kind of mushy, actually.”  ”That’s right,” the father replied.  ”Sometimes people who are subjected to stress and trouble get mushy and weak.  They’re no longer able to stand firm.”

He then asked her to take the egg from the second pot and describe what she found.  ”I know the egg was soft and liquid on the inside before,” she said, “but when I crack the shell, I find that it has gotten hard.”  ”And that’s what some people do in hot water,” said the dad.  ”They were tender before, but they let the hard circumstances of life make them hard on the inside.  Now, go ahead and tell me what you see in the third pot.”

The daughter looked into the pot.  ”It’s coffee,” she said.  ”Strong coffee.  Hmm . . . so you’re saying that some people let hot water make them stronger?  Like, the stress actually changes them into something good?”  ”You’ve got it!” the father exclaimed!  ”The people who are like the coffee beans may not enjoy the experience of being boiled, but when the process is complete, they have become something that is useful, even delicious.”

“I see now what you’re trying to tell me,” said the girl.  ”I need to always be careful to be like the coffee beans and let difficult times make me strong, not hard-hearted like the egg, and not weak like the carrots.  But hey, Dad, do you see something more in that third pot?”  The father looked at it for a minute and then said, “Tell me what you mean.”

The daughter replied, “Dad, not only did the boiling water transform the coffee beans into something good . . . the coffee beans transformed the hot water.”

So here’s what I have to ask myself . . . when life gets tough, do I get mushy?  (Yes.  I’ve been a cooked carrot mushball lately, and not for the first time in my life.) Or do I get hard-hearted?  (Yes.  Either I look for somebody or something to be mad at, or I throw up a wall to keep from getting hurt by all that heated liquid you’re slinging around.  Of course, it IS you slinging it around.) Or do I get strong?  (Well.  Hmm.  Maybe sometimes?  On good days?  If everything else goes my way?)

Okay . . . so sometimes, on occasion, every now and then, I can let the hot water of life make me into something usable.  If I’m in the mood and it’s not too much trouble.  Like a lobster who stays put in the cookpot.  I’m such a good girl if I can do that, right?  Like, three cheers for that lobster!!!!

Whatever.  But am I satisfied with being a good little crustacean just sometimes, on occasion, every now and then?  Not really. Do I ever go a step beyond letting trouble transform me to where I actually transform my troubles, maybe even making them more tolerable for others?  Not usually.

I could learn a lot from a coffee bean.  Uuggghhh!  Did I mention I hate the taste of coffee?

I leave you with a loose paraphrase from the book of James for your consideration.

“Count it all joy when you fall into hot water . . . “

What is your current hot water doing to you, or what are you doing to it?

(For more from Kathy check out her blog at http://kathyrodenfloyd.blogspot.com/)

posted by Terrica

Here’s a shout out to you, our readers.  Whether it’s this blog, our newsletter, hot tip emails, or one of Shannon’s many book titles…we want to say thanks for your support!  Because of you, our passion for healthy sexuality and spirituality has become a movement.  Check it out:

Want to start your own Movement?  What are YOU passionate about?

(Please join me in welcoming guest blogger and current B.L.A.S.T. participant, Kathy Floyd!  Her wit and humor keep us rolling so we just had to introduce her to you.  Enjoy! –SEM blog staff)

My husband and I don’t share a lot of similarities in television preferences.  We both love reruns of M.A.S.H.  I don’t mind his “Andy Griffith” episodes, and he’s caught a few decorating visions from HGTV with me.  He doesn’t care for my medical shows, and I despise his Three Stooges (nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah)!

But for a few years, we met in the living room every Monday night for “Everybody Loves Raymond.”  We found it hilarious and liked that we both enjoyed the same show for once!  Honestly, I probably prided myself on not being quite as chiding as Debra while my husband was not nearly as clueless as Ray!  Thankfully, all our in-laws live at least a few blocks away,   and neither of us have a doofus brother!  But, the Barrones presented a picture of a couple with some decent family values . . . the kitchen seemed clean, he had a job, they romped in the sack every now and then, were involved with their kids and had actually remained married!  To each other!  So we thought it healthier than the average cheating, cussing primetime sitcom segment, and we shared lots of laughs during that half-hour each week.

One day I was reading an article on negativity, especially sarcasm, in marriage.  The writer referred to “Everybody Loves Raymond” as an example of how sarcasm can invade a couple’s communication without them being aware of the takeover.  And it hit me . . . we had begun to sound like Ray and Debra and hadn’t even noticed!  The sarcasm had crept right in!

Negativity in marriage is a lot like black mold . . . it’s nasty and toxic and creeps right in until it takes over.  We all know those couples who let the icky, moldy marriage stain keep spreading in a home until . . . well, until it got too unhealthy to live there and somebody had to move out.

“Whew!” you say.  Maybe that doesn’t describe your marriage . . . it isn’t exactly moldy, just a little mildewy at the moment, and you had hardly noticed.  But the spores can grow relentlessly on, in bathtubs and beds, until what was once sparkling has been dirtied and dulled.  It’s not until you look behind the tile . . . or pull back the covers . . . that you see the slime.

Sometimes we don’t realize that our words are so harmful.  We voice things we’re accustomed to saying and think we’re just “being ourselves” . . . statements like:

“Well, it’s about time you carried out the trash / lost a little weight / wore something

besides that ratty flannel thing to bed!”

“Why are you being nice?  You must want something.”

“Did you know we’re religious?  My wife serves burnt offerings every evening!”

“Sex . . . again?????  It hasn’t even been a month since the last time!”

“Headache . . . again?  It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the last one!”

Sometimes the receiving party can laugh those remarks off for a while, but then they start to cut.  Wounded folks will naturally work to protect themselves from pain, which could mean attacking back or retreating from the battlefield.  Either way, intimacy has taken a beating and been left injured.  The black mold of sarcasm has eaten something away.

Since sex is a type of communication between a husband and a wife, it too is susceptible to this contamination.  Negative phrases spoken in other parts of life can affect . . . umm, infect

. . . even the sacred space of the marriage bed.  Here’s what I mean:  it’s hard for him to make sweet love if she’s been making snide comments.  He laid into her with criticism . . . now she’s supposed to lay in his arms?   Nobody feels like having their clothes ripped off if their heart feels ripped out.

Thankfully, there’s good news!  Positive words are like bleach on mold!   It may take repeated applications and intentional effort to see the glowing results.  But with patience and persistence, you can lighten things up a lot!

“I sure do love you, sweetie / honey / darling / my most precious love dumpling!”

“Did you know I think you’re more beautiful now than ever?”

“Sweetheart, it makes me feel downright romantic when I come home and you’ve

cleaned the kitchen / bathed the kids / made my favorite dinner!”

“Sex?  How quick can we get these kids in bed?!?!?!?”

“Headache?  Darling, you know how to cure any headache I might have!”

Yeah, baby!  These kinds of comments are like Mr. Clean Magic Eraser . . .   they’ll take out stains that were set in deep and expected to last!

But what if you don’t feel like being sweet or sexy?  People often get caught in the trap of thinking they have to say whatever they feel.  Not so.  It’s actually possible to change emotions by going ahead with behaviors that you know to be right and good.  Try it!  Put on a pleasant expression and say something affectionate . . . “God must love me a lot to give you to me!” Keep it up and chances are high that you’ll find yourself having more of that loving feeling you didn’t have just a little while before.

As a very wise king once said, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) So how are you doing?  Is your sarcasm dripping poison into your spouse’s heart and between your sheets?  Or are your fruitful words leaving behind a sweet fragrance that lingers and delights?

For more from Kathy check out her blog ‘Confessions of a REAL Desperate Housewife’ at http://www.kathyrodenfloyd.blogspot.com/  or contact her directly by visiting www.kathyfloyd.com

Or for more on the B.L.A.S.T. mentoring program please visit http://www.shannonethridge.com/blast.shtml

posted by Terrica

You asked for it, so here it is: more from current B.L.A.S.T participant, Charissa Steyn.  (I knew you’d love her! )

“Floating heads.” With just two words, this phrase caught me off guard. I could not read any further in the article. My mind began to fill with images of the days when I sat shivering in front of the heater, while a heavy blanket of insecurity covered my inner and outer beauty from me. The mirror revealed my destiny- I had to keep trying. I was still not whole.

I squirmed in my chair as my thoughts took me back to a place when I was desperately seeking fulfillment- in all the wrong places.

It was a place where the groans of an empty stomach were more appetizing than the laughter of a confident heart. I had exchanged the delight of being a vibrant confident woman, for being a” floating head.” Not exactly the bargain I intended to make, nor what I aspired to be in life.

Wholeness. That was a foreign concept to a girl who had become an expert at denial. An eating disorder left me nibbling the crumbs of cake, but even scarier, I was also taking meager servings of life. Damaged, incomplete, and ashamed were words that better described by life at that point.

I was dying slowly… in my body and my soul. The thought of never being able to have children crossed my mind on occasion, but it was not enough motivation to make me want to gain weight. Although my obsession with my body image was sabotaging every relationship in my life I still did not want to be healed.

Even though I knew Jesus, finding my wholeness, as a woman in Him seemed impossible.

The article I was reading this past week titled, “National Obsession,” by Counseling Today, got me thinking about my past. Its contents laid bare the gruesome details and statistics of eating disorders that are now common place in today’s society.  Women are willingly sacrificing their innate beauty for a plastic shell of superficiality.

Perhaps even worse was this- starting in the first grade, young girls were already being awakened to their weight and appearance. Their carefree childhood snatched away amidst the fears of gaining weight and becoming fat.

But the two words in the middle of the article had the most impact on me.

A counselor spoke of how she called her eating disorder clients, “floating heads.” She continued, “They are so disconnected with their own bodies, they don’t even recognize body sensations, and if they do recognize body sensations, they automatically interpret them as ‘something is wrong’.”

A wave of sadness rushed over me.

Floating heads. These two little words tell of how wholeness is being taken from the lives of many women today. One honest young woman wrote the following words to me, in regards to how she perceives herself, “I’m not in a place where I have a healthy self-image at all. There was a time when I did, and I know I will get there at some point again, but God is working hard on me in this area, and Satan is trying even harder.”

The enemy is working overtime to get women to feel empty, half-alive, and clinging to temporary forms of fulfillment. He has the most destructive diet on the market today, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” It’s a diet that tells women to seek for wholeness outside of Christ, in appearances, exercise, careers, activities, relationship, food…you can fill in the blank.

The promise of Jesus, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly,” feels like an impossible existence.

The same young woman wrote, “I don’t feel like I could be an example at all…and that is really hard and shameful for me to admit. Actually, this is the first time I’ve admitted it to myself I think.” Unfortunately, she echoes the cries of many other young women who are yearning to have wholeness instead of…

Physical sickness. Relational emptiness. Spiritual dryness. Emotional exhaustion. Sexual insecurity.

Are we ready to admit the truth- that our wholeness comes from Christ alone? We become beautiful women as we shamelessly indulge in the abundant life that God has given us, and confess we are nothing without Him.

I remember when I first had this revelation.  I began leaping up and down my hallway exclaiming, “I am a woman!” Can you imagine how good it felt to be this free?

My declaration demonstrated that I had finally realized the emptiness of trying to find wholeness as a woman in the fleeting fads of the world. I was finally taking big bites of life!

More than just a floating head out of touch with the rest of my body, I became a whole woman- body, soul, and spirit.

Physically strong. Relationally fulfilled. Spiritually alive. Emotionally stable. Sexually confident.

This revelation is worth tasting for yourselves!  It is sweeter than chocolate because it will also melt over into our marriage. Can you remember the last time you consciously took an oversized portion of life? Has it been awhile since you have savored and enjoyed your marriage?

The singing soul and energetic spirit of a woman living her life well, brings more vitality to her marriage than her physical appearance or feeble endeavors to find wholeness ever will.

Instead of taking from our husbands, thinking they can fill what is lacking in our lives, we can come to them as a “complete package” in Christ. We can be a whole woman who confidently gives herself without restraint to her husband- emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Our husbands will be overjoyed to know that we are not ashamed to be a woman, boldly asking for second helpings of the life God has given us. Intimacy with our true love will be revitalized, and furious love making sessions will ensue when we are a whole woman. Besides, this is way more attractive than the national obsession of being a floating head!

Would you characterize yourself as whole, complete, and fulfilled in Christ? Or do you need to admit that you are far from this reality?

Are you taking meager servings of life- do you need God to take you off this dangerous diet so that you can celebrate your womanhood and savor your marriage?

In light of our most recent topic (which we’ll be delving into more in the coming weeks–so stay tuned), today seemed the perfect time to introduce Charissa Steyn, a current participant in our B.L.A.S.T. program.  We think you’ll love her entertaining yet honest perspective on beauty just as much as we do!

Skimming through pre-marital books and seeing the sketches of the more “intimate parts” of marriage, usually left me gasping for air. My eyes peeled back in shock. These reading sessions were normally quite brief, since my ability to digest sex talk was quite low as an engaged woman!

My naïve mind was still haunted by the question, “What will my husband think when he sees me naked?”

Months before my wedding I was still vividly imagining the shock on my husband’s face when he discovered my prickly leg hairs, non-existent cleavage, and fuzzy arm hair in all their glory.

Sex with the light on. Never.

Lingerie. Not me.

Bubble bath together. In your dreams.

Obviously, I was nowhere near the definition of a sexually confident wife! Nearly every time I looked in the mirror my eyes focused on the mistakes.

Here’s why…

For most of my life I only owned two white bras and boy cut underwear in polka dots and stripes. I was known as the first person to grab a towel out of the swimming pool, and the last to walk around in a bra and panties in my all-girls apartment. Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was ashamed of the way God had made me.

The desire for a perfect figure eventually led me into the biggest battle of my life so far- an eating disorder. Instead of giving me the confidence I desperately longed for, this obsession quickly stole my femininity.

Bones stuck out through my skin, and I soon found myself feeling like an “it,” rather than a woman.  Blinded to God’s beauty within me, a thick blanket of lies had succeeded in getting me to think I would never be pretty enough.

Obsessed with my appearance, I felt worthless if my thighs rubbed together. When my belly stuck out a little I would run for an hour on the treadmill. If I noticed any sign of fat developing I would nibble on some lettuce leaves making it my only meal of the day.

The scale became more than a machine. We had formed a bittersweet relationship. The smaller numbers it gave me, the more I enjoyed standing on it.

I was starving for confidence. Dying for change.

Fast forward my story to 2010.

My mission to be beautiful and thin came to an end as I journeyed ever closer to God’s heart.

God has shown me that counting calories and staying a size two will never make me feel beautiful.  I finally allowed Him to define beauty for me.

Beauty is who we are as a woman. It’s more than skin deep. Beauty runs wildly through our veins, flowing into our soul, spirit, and body. “Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!” (Ps. 139, MSG)

Now, you will find me confidently sporting my two-piece swimsuit, even though my body is nothing like the women on magazine covers. The size of my thighs or how my jeans fit (even if they are a little tighter!) does not rock my world because I know that my curves are feminine. The scale only tells me my weight- it does not determine my confidence.

Although you may have never struggled with an eating disorder, perhaps, you’ve fallen into the trap of believing that binge dieting, late night workouts, and skin regimens can somehow give you the perfect body, and in return give you the confidence you so desperately desire.

Deriving our confidence from the number on the scale or the little tag on the inside of our jeans, will always leave us dissatisfied, and not to mention hungry!

Are you starving to be confident in your physical appearance?

Along with my testimony, perhaps you need a little more motivation in learning to love the body God has given you…

Being confident in your body will also unlock greater depths of intimacy in your marriage!

My husband is thrilled to see that I do not hide my body behind a towel, nor am I skittish in my lingerie, or fearful to be naked. Nothing could excite him more than to hear me say,

Sex with the light on. Definitely more fun!

Lingerie. Always!

Bubble bath together. Can’t wait!

As married women, the view we have of our body does not just affect one person, but two!

We must be able to rest securely rest in our husband’s embrace, knowing he loves every part. 

Before you try to wax off all your odd hairs, run yourself crazy on the treadmill, or complain about your awkward features- stand naked in from the mirror and accept, with a smile, the body that God has given you.

If God can take a woman who was once fearful of gaining a single pound and transform her into a sexually confident wife, then He can certainly do for you too!

Remember that true beauty is not something to be achieved; rather it is who we are as women. Our bodies are fingerprints of His handiwork.

Do you still battle to accept the woman in the mirror? What awkward features about your body (we all have them!) are you allowing to steal your confidence?

Being confident in our own skin makes us exceptionally radiant and attractive women. Better yet, it is a priceless gift we can give our husbands every day of our marriage!

For more from Charissa check out http://blushingbrideguide.blogspot.com/ and http://charsteyn.blogspot.com/

Do you daydream about impacting others through your own writing or speaking?  Or if you’re already writing and speaking, do you long to reach even more people with your message?  If so, I want to encourage you to stop DREAMING, and start DOING!  It’s worth every ounce of energy you’ll invest when you hear testimonies like the ones I receive every day.  For example, Michelle recently emailed:

I purchased The Sexually Confident Wife and WOW! What an excellent book and great advice. I have been married for 21 years and was considering divorce. I belittled, ridiculed, made my husband feel inadequate. We’ve never had a great sex life, with no sex at all in two years. I don’t read that much, but saw your book and I am so happy that I read it. Our sex life is great, great, great and we are getting along and even parenting our four children together. I have purchased your other books and my hubby is reading them as well. We even go on dates and shopping together, things we’ve never done before. Thank you so much!

That one brought tears to everyone in our house!  Or another example is a young woman that approached me this week after I spoke to a MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) group.  She said, “I’ve heard you speak three times in three years, and every time you KICK my BUTT and tell me exactly what I need to hear to hang on to my marriage and make it work!  Thank you for being my inspiration — I really want a happy marriage and great sex life and I’m not giving up until we get it!”  Oh, that’s music to a speaker’s ears!

So let me ask you — What kind of message has God laid on YOUR heart to share with other women, or couples, or youth?  If you could write a book about anything, or speak to an audience about the topic you’re most passionate about, what would that look like?  What kind of difference could YOU make in this world?

As exciting as it sounds to be such a difference-maker, discouragement usually sets in quickly.  The publishing industry is incredibly complex and difficult to break into. As my writing mentor said years ago, “You can feel like a tiny grain of sand on an entire continent of beach when you’re trying to get published!” Boy, do I remember that feeling.

I sense that there are lots of you who are experiencing that feeling right now. Perhaps God has tapped you on the shoulder and said, “I want YOU to be my voice!” If so, I sense God tapping ME on the shoulder and saying, “I want YOU to teach them how!”

In response to this calling, I’m launching a new one-year program starting this September called B.L.A.S.T. (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers & Teachers). I’ll meet one day per month with a select group of aspiring writers and speakers, attempting to teach you all that I can about bringing your own ministry and publishing dreams to life!

If you’re interested in learning more about the program, go to www.shannonethridge.com/blast for an informational brochure and application packet. Also, feel free to share this posting with your like-minded friends who’d be interested as well. There is an ONLINE version of the program, so no matter where you live, you can have a BLAST with us!

And NOW, we’re making it even easier to have a B.L.A.S.T. with us!

How? Two ways:

1) In today’s trying economy, many have asked if a PAYMENT PLAN is possible. It is now! For approved applicants, we’ll charge your credit card monthly beginning in September rather than require complete payment at the beginning of the program.

2) As an added incentive, we’ve decided to offer a 10% EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT to applicants who have their materials postmarked by May 15^th — a savings of $150 you’ll want to take advantage of, so download the information packet and get started on your application soon!

May all your writing & speaking dreams come true,

Shannon