Shannon Ethridge's Blog

Part #3 of a 4-part series by Holly Holladay

Some questions can be taken at face value.   When my kids ask me what’s for dinner there typically isn’t anything behind the question other than a hungry stomach.  Other questions aren’t as simple.  They stem from something deeper – there’s a question behind the question.  What’s being spoken is only the tip of the iceberg.  What’s beneath the surface is the real issue.

The day I sat eating with Morgan, I wondered what was behind her question.  “Is he thinking of someone else while kissing me?” were the words coming out of her mouth.  “Does he desire only me?” was what was in her heart.  On the surface, she knows he desires her, but does he desire every other woman he sees too?  This fear lurks behind the veil of her question.

When we enter into a committed relationship there are some basic expectations that come with the territory — one of the most primal being that we will be the sole object of our partner’s desire.  It is innate.  We long to be desired.  And we don’t expect to share that position with anyone else.  I, like Morgan, never expected to be one of many women who floated through my husband’s mind.  In reality, over the course of Steve’s active addiction, I was one of thousands.  I wanted to be the only one.

Walking the road of recovery with Steve, I have learned that wanting to be the only one is fine.  Actually being the only one is unrealistic.  Before you have a heart attack, let me explain.  Yes, in marriage it is fair to expect faithfulness – emotionally, physically and mentally.  However, expecting that Steve will never have some image flip through his head is unfair.  So the real issue becomes the intent.

In an active addiction, there is a complete lack of emotional intimacy between partners.  An addict will attempt to fill this void by pursing false intimacy with someone else — real and/or fantasy.  The intent is to use images or people for one’s own pleasure.  It is selfish in nature and it is wrong.  But if I’m honest, I have to admit that while I have never struggled with a sexual addiction, sometimes there are uninvited thoughts and images that appear in my own head.  How can I hold my partner to a standard that I, myself, can’t keep?

So, maybe measuring the health of your relationship with the ruler of ‘being the sole object of his desire’ isn’t the most accurate way of finding relational security.  It would be more accurate to use the gauge of intimacy.  As real emotional intimacy develops between two people, the need for false intimacy will decrease.  A working definition of intimacy is the willingness to be known for who I really am and the willingness to know someone for who they truly are.  And true emotional intimacy can only take place in a safe environment.

I have found that when I am concerned with who else might be in my husband’s thoughts, the best thing I can do is provide a safe environment for him.  This doesn’t mean I condone his entertaining thoughts of others, simply that I can inspire his focus to return to me much better than I can require it.

So  if you value your relationship and want to heal it, it is better to focus on what you can do to cheer him on and turn his heart (and thoughts) back toward you, rather than berate him with a bunch of questions that can’t really be answered in a futile attempt to calm your own insecurities.  Because in reality, there will never be a way to know who is in your spouses head as they are kissing you.  But build emotional intimacy and it won’t matter.  You’ll know his heart and body belong to you, even if another unwelcome woman invades his private thoughts on occasion.

Holly Holladay is co-founder of Ultimate Escape, a ministry that helps young people pursue healthy sexuality.  Holly has been married to her husband, Steve, for 20 years and is the mother of four children; Dexter, Michael, Savannah and Griffin.  Holly has a love for words and authentic, honest writing.  You can read more of her musings at www.hollyholladay.wordpress.com

Part #2 in a 4-part series by Holly Holladay

Some people think I’m nosey.  I like to call it curious.  If I’m honest I’d have to admit to both.  I like to know!  Whether it’s how something works, why a culture has the beliefs it does or why someone would move from Malibu, CA to Allen, TX I want to know!  And I love to ask questions.  There are times when my inquisitive nature comes in handy.  I make friends easily and I can talk to most anyone.  But as Steve disclosed his history of sex addiction to me, curiosity threatened to ruin us.

I wanted to know everything.  Everything!  While his addiction had not physically involved another person, mentally it had involved many.  And I wanted to know the details about every single one.  Who were these women that occupied my husbands head?  Did I go to church with them?  Were they prettier and skinner than me?  Were they my friends? These kinds of questions took up all the space in my head leaving room for nothing else.

When any addiction is being addressed in marriage, disclosure is vital.  Sharing every gory detail is not!  In simple terms, disclosure is stating facts, sharing secrets, coming clean and telling the basic history of the addiction.  Because addictions are often seeded in secrecy and dishonesty, it is important to get everything out in the open and work from there.  Honest disclosure is how you start rebuilding trust.  At first, I confused disclosure with knowing every detail.  Initially, Steve’s reluctance to share the details with me hurt.  I saw it as a way for him to continue being dishonest.  We had to sort out how to deal with this difference of opinion before we could start repairing our relationship.

I had to decide which was more important, knowing everything or knowing enough.  Knowing enough meant I knew the important things: that Steve had been honest with me and was committed to becoming authentic in our relationship.  Knowing enough didn’t threaten to do more damage to our marriage.  Knowing everything would have.  There is a place for telling every detail, but it’s not with your spouse.  The best place for that kind of sharing is with an accountability partner, with someone who is healthy and safe.  If Steve had given in and shared the sordid details with me it would have hindered the healing of our relationship.

For the first time in my life I realized I didn’t need to know everything.  Coming to that realization wasn’t an easy one, especially for someone as obsessed with knowing as I was.  So when someone asks me if they need to know everything, my answer is no. Nine years later, I am thankful that Steve didn’t give in and share the details with me.  Now I don’t have to battle images that were never meant to be in my mind.  Being out of the loop allows both of us the freedom to have a clear mind when we interact.  Now we are free to live in the present, free from the ghosts of the past.

Holly Holladay is co-founder of Ultimate Escape, a ministry that helps young people pursue healthy sexuality.  Holly has been married to her husband, Steve, for 20 years and is the mother of four children; Dexter, Michael, Savannah and Griffin.  Holly has a love for words and authentic, honest writing.  You can read more of her musings at www.hollyholladay.wordpress.com

For the past two years I’ve had the incredible privilege of interacting with an amazingly passionate group of people through our online mentorship program, B.L.A.S.T. (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers & Teachers). Many have since developed their own speaking platforms, book manuscripts, websites & blogs, etc., and I’m delighted to be featuring some of their writings over the next several weeks, including this 4 post series from Holly Holladay.

Post #1 of 4-part series by Holly Holladay

“When will I stop wondering if he is kissing me and thinking of someone else?”  As we speak over Thai food, Morgan’s questions unleash a flood of memories.  Pain, distrust and betrayal rear their ugly heads and I feel their sting as a near decade of recovery seems to evaporate in an instant.  Nine years ago I struggled with the same question when finding out that my husband is a sex addict.  I wondered if our fragile marriage would survive.  How could I ever trust him again?

“When I get home, we need to talk.  You might want to make an appointment with Jane.”  As Steve spoke these words, my heart sank.  The delicate threads that hold the broken pieces together unravel with every passing second.  This was serious!  Was this the other shoe dropping?  I expected the worst without being able to name what that might be.

We sat down, hearts in our throats, and I steeled myself for what I knew to be coming.  “I need to be honest and confess that I have had an addiction for most of my life.  It was there in my earliest memories.”  I tasted bile. What was I hearing?  I needed someone to tell my heart to be quiet, to turn down the thudding in my ears.  I felt like I was suffocating, drowning in the confusing mix of emotions threatening to swallow me; hurt, anger, fear, confusion, and relief.  Yes, relief.  The fact that our marriage had survived up to this point was astonishing considering the demons we had already faced.  And while we had come a long way, I still carried a nagging feeling that a piece of the puzzle was missing.  Somehow, in the middle of the numbing confusion, I knew this was it!  Looking back, I think that knowing was the driftwood allowing me to survive the waves of negative emotion.  Don’t misunderstand.  It wasn’t easy.  Picking up the pieces again took a lot of work, grace and understanding.

Thankfully, we made it through the aftermath with our marriage not only intact, but immeasurably richer.  While we aren’t perfect, I honestly think we have one of the healthiest marriages around.  And after so many years of secrecy, we choose to be very open about our story.  For us, it is therapeutic.  This openness, along with Steve’s frequent speaking engagements, gives me many opportunities to hear questions just like Morgan’s.  While the questions I hear are varied, there are three which surface repeatedly:

• Do I need to know everything?
• Is he thinking of someone else while kissing me?
• Have I really forgiven though I can’t forget?

I wish the answers could be tied into neat little bows, tidy and crisp.  In reality, they can’t.  In the coming weeks I will share my feelings, tempered by 9 years of renewed trust that Steve and I have built.  Recognizing every situation is different, my intent in sharing is to give you hope.  Because it all starts with the smallest bit of hope, doesn’t it?

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Holly Holladay is co-founder of Ultimate Escape, a ministry that helps young people pursue healthy sexuality.  Holly has been married to her husband, Steve, for 20 years and is the mother of four children; Dexter, Michael, Savannah and Griffin.  Holly has a love for words and authentic, honest writing.  You can read more of her musings at www.hollyholladay.wordpress.com

A friend recently shared this incredibly powerful article with us concerning the devastating effects of pornography. We hear from countless women on a weekly basis whose marriages are being destroyed by (either his or her) pornography use, so we know well how desperately this message is needed. Today we want to join the anonymous author of this fantastic article in waving the red flag of warning.

Is pornography something you or your husband have struggled with? Or worse yet, your children? How have you learned to heal and recover?

by Shannon

In a recent interview on The Oprah Show, Rielle Hunter (mistress and Baby Mama to ex-presidential hopeful John Edwards) claimed that “Johnny” should NOT have run for president because “he was not living a life of integrity… he was out of alignment with his personal truth.”

Not missing the chance to probe further, Oprah responded, “YOU are talking about integrity, yet YOU were the woman living with this big lie… this big contradiction… weren’t YOU failing to live with integrity? Weren’t YOU out of alignment with our own personal truth — having this affair with a married man, and going to such great lengths to hide this relationship and this baby from the entire country when they were considering electing him their president?”

Her response? Rielle Hunter replied, “No, believe it or not. I was just following my heart, and I felt that this was the right thing to do.”

No disrespect intended toward Ms. Hunter (funny how when I type her name, over and over I accidentally type HUNGER instead of HUNTER), but when I heard her response, I wanted to gag… or slap her… or slap her while gagging simultaneously.

But I appreciate the good blog fodder, for it reminded me of this fantastic video clip, highlighting the difference between FOLLOWING your heart, and GUARDING your heart…

Maybe Ms. Hunter will see this video clip someday, and FOLLOW her heart toward God and His absolute truth about sexual integrity and the sanctity of marriage. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, “Above all else, GUARD your HEART, for it is the wellspring of life!” (Proverbs 4:23)

posted by Terrica

We recently received an email from a guy who is absolutely heartbroken regarding the Twilight Saga.  At first glance, we assumed it was simply another husband complaining (albeit rightly so!) about his wife’s over-enthusiasm for the series, but as we continued reading soon realized his cry was far more serious that we could have imagined.  Ladies, take note. Consider this a warning.

Dear Shannon,

I’m writing you because I have no idea who else might understand the situation I find myself in.  My wife has an addiction, though it’s not what you might think.  She addicted to the teen book series called Twilight.   Are you familiar?  I honestly wasn’t until recently.  I mean, I’d heard of them in passing but that was about it.  Well, a few weeks ago out of nowhere she began accusing me of having an affair. I was shocked!  You see, we’re both Christians, happily married with 2 children, and when I say happily I mean it.  We’ve always had a great marriage, great sex life, great everything.  So when she began falsely accusing me of infidelity for no apparent reason, I was dumbstruck.  When I asked her WHY she thought such a thing, she said there had to be someone else because I just didn’t pursue and romance her the way I used to.  I admit, I probably don’t pursue her the way I did when we were first dating, but I’m still very affectionate, loving, affirming, bring her flowers…you get the idea.  It isn’t like I’m cold and distant.

Anyway–over the course of a few weeks she kept starting these arguments out of nowhere, and then in the middle of them she’d say what she really wanted was to have sex.  No kidding.  She’d go from hating me to wanting me sexually all in the same conversation, well, argument really.  You can imagine how confused I was by the whole interaction. The REALLY weird thing was–she seemed completely mentally absent during the act.  Like…she wasn’t even there.  At first she’d simply close here eyes the ENTIRE time, but eventually–without being too graphic–she wanted to engage in intercourse in such positions that she literally couldn’t see me.  After this occurred a few times I sort of confronted it, and she admitted she had been fantasizing about ‘some actor–no big deal’.  I knew she’d been reading the series but hadn’t thought much of it.  I started doing some digging online and realized she had been spending HOURS looking at photos of this Robert Pattinson guy who plays the vampire in the books.  She has also been watching the movies over and over while I was at work.  I was floored! I asked her if that was him, the guy she was fantasizing about and she admitted it was, but when I asked her to stop reading the books she refused.  A few days later, still really bothered by the whole thing, I asked again and she still refused.  Then things really got strange.  I got incredibly angry and told her the books had become an idol and that I wouldn’t have it in my house–to which she started screaming at me.  It was a side of her I’d NEVER seen in our 8 years of marriage.  I took the books and started towards the door to trash them, and she ATTACKED me.  Physically, literally attacked me.  She kept screaming, “Give me my books back!”  I had to hold her down until she calmed, but even then she was still so angry she ordered me to leave.  I stayed at my buddies apartment that night, thinking it was a good thing to give us time to cool off.  What I didn’t expect was that I’d end up staying there 4 consecutive nights.  It’s been over two weeks now since that big fight, and when I’ve tried to talk to her she says she wants a divorce.  She says she just isn’t happy with me anymore, that she wants something different, something more.  No matter what I say her eyes just look empty.

Shannon, I am so heartbroken.  I feel like I’ve lost my precious wife to a fictional character that isn’t even REAL. What do I do? I don’t know how to be MORE.  I love her deeply, and our children.  I provide for them, always have.  We have a beautiful home and life together…  I don’t know what else I can give her that I don’t already. I’ve suggested counseling but she says she isn’t interested, that it won’t help.  What do I do?  I’m at a loss.  Please help.

Jason

Reading this email breaks my heart over and over again.  I don’t have words to express my sadness.  The incredibly interesting part of his email however, was an excerpt he included from an article he’d found online by Steve Wohlberg.  In you aren’t aware, Stephanie Meyer (the author) wrote this series after the concept came to her in a DREAM.  She had never written anything before this series was birthed.  She’s been asked multiple times if she’s ever dreamed of her characters again, and she says she has only ONCE:

“Shockingly, after Stephenie Meyer’s unexpected rise to stardom, she later confessed,

I actually did have a dream after Twilight was finished of Edward coming to visit me — only I had gotten it wrong and he did drink blood like every other vampire and you couldn’t live on animals the way I’d written it. We had this conversation and he was terrifying. (2)

I’m convinced that the “Edward” who appeared to Stephenie Meyer in her two dreams was a demon with a secret, diabolical agenda. What agenda? Based on what God’s Book says in Revelation 12:11, it was to keep sinful mortals focused on the wrong blood. Judging by the public’s response to the Twilight novels and movies, there’s no doubt that his hellish plot has been successful”

Fascinating, huh?  Check out the full article here:

http://www.movieguide.org/articles/1/545/the-darkness-of-twilight-hidden-perils-behind-todays-vampire-craze

In order to guard your marriages ladies, you MUST guard your hearts!  It is of absolute, paramount importance.  Don’t be sucked into this craze.  Your husbands and children are worth far more than a fictional obsession with teenage vampires and werewolves!

Do you agree??  Have you heard of similar situations like Jason’s?  Did you get sucked in, too?  Would love to hear your story, if so.  I’ll be sharing mine soon!

by Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

In a recent blog earlier this month I jokingly wrote about a “swinging pastor” – if you didn’t read it and you need a good laugh, scroll down until you find it!  It’s hilarious!

Unfortunately, I’m writing about a different kind of “swinging pastor” today.  A dear friend was recently devastated to discover that the lead pastor of her church had been having numerous sexual affairs, unbeknownst to his wife or anyone else.  He’s now in rehab for sexual addiction as his followers try to make sense of it all and strategize about how to keep moving forward in spite of his folly.  Where are the women involved, and what kind of counseling are THEY going through?  I have no idea.  But I pray they are getting the help they need as well.

While some may be tempted to throw stones in situations like this, I’m not about to go there.  Stones don’t hit sin, they hit people – brothers and sisters who are in desperate need of unconditional love, mercy, and grace to help them have victory over such sin.  So instead of throwing stones, I want to throw out some ideas as to how WE (as women) can support our pastors and serve as building blocks in their lives rather than stumbling blocks!

The three most common questions I’ve heard in response to tragedies like this are:

1. “How could a pastor do such a thing?”
2. “Why is this so common these days?”
3. “Why do men with sexual issues seem to gravitate toward ministry?”

Let’s consider which came first — a pastor’s sexual issues, or his call to ministry?

Granted, there are most likely seminary students in every corner of the world who’ve had more than their fair share of sexual struggles before they ever graduate into a pastoral leadership role.  And maybe there IS something about being in ministry that draws certain men to hide behind or take refuge inside their priestly garments.

For the most part, I think men enter the ministry with every honest intention for good. However, I do suspect that there’s something about being in ministry that makes some men incredibly vulnerable to sexual temptations.  It probably has a lot to do with that BIG RED BULLSEYE that Satan paints on any spiritual leader’s forehead.  Satan’s not dumb.  He can do math.  He knows that if he can take out the leader, many followers will fall out too, like a chain of dominoes.

What makes the spiritual leader so vulnerable to Satan’s attack against his sexuality?  One pastor explains, “Sex is not the problem.  Loneliness is the problem.”  I’ve heard over and over that being in ministry is one of the loneliest and most difficult jobs in the world.

Consider these statistics from Shiloh Place Ministries (found at http://j.mp/4zLDTK), which draws its information from Focus on the Family, Charisma Magazine, TNT Ministries, and other respected groups:
• 50% of pastors’ marriages end in divorce.
• 70% of pastors continually battle depression.
• 80% of pastors and 85% of spouses feel discouraged in their roles.
• 70% of pastors do not have a close friend, confidant, or mentor.
• Nearly 40% of pastors have had an extra-marital sexual affair since entering ministry.
• Over 50% of pastors’ wives feel that their husbands entering ministry was the most destructive thing to ever happen to their families.

A dear friend of ours (who’s been a pastor for 20+ years) has always said, “There are three kinds of people in the world – men, women, and pastors.”  In other words, people have a tendency to look at pastors differently.  Many are only comfortable seeing their pastor on Sunday mornings in the pulpit, but not on any sort of social basis, which leads to the isolation and depression so many feel.  Even if they had a listening ear, most wouldn’t dare divulge their own personal struggles to anyone in their own congregation or denomination for fear that they’d be exposed.  So they hide.  And yes, some find a false sense of shelter in the arms of a receptive woman.  And the ripple effects of their sin eventually shake the entire church (and community) to the core.

While the church as a whole cannot be held responsible for pastor’s poor choices, sexual misconduct is not just the pastor’s problem!  It takes TWO to tango!  For every pastor that stumbles and falls into a sexual affair, there’s a woman stumbling with him.  In fact, it’s often the woman that led him there in the first place with her kind words of affirmation, going out of her way to encounter his presence, manipulating him into meeting her emotional needs, making herself available to him as a confidant, etc.  How do I know?  Because I came frighteningly close to becoming “the other woman” in a pastor’s life many years ago (read chapter 12 of Every Woman’s Battle if you’re wanting the nitty-gritty behind that story).  I praise God for giving me the strength to RUN from that temptation!

So while many of us wonder, “How can a pastor DO such a thing?” I think a safer, more responsible question for us women to ask is, “How can a pastor NOT do such a thing?”  In other words, how can WE avoid being stumbling blocks to the men in spiritual leadership over us?  Here’s my best suggestions:

1)    Don’t put your pastor on such a high pedestal that you run to him instead of to God!  Pedestals are dangerous places to put anyone because we wind up either worshipping and obsessing over the person on our pedestal, or painfully disappointed by them.  Either extreme is miserable.

2)    Realize that your pastor is NOT your daddy, or your father-figure.  Whatever wounds you have from your biological father can’t be fixed by spending intimate time with your pastor, so don’t even go there.  Put on your big girl panties and deal with your father-issues with a professional counselor who’s trained in such matters.

3)    Don’t put yourself in any sort of position, physically (through time spent alone together) or emotionally (through private phone calls, text messages, emails, etc.), where you’re both made vulnerable to a relational entanglement!  He’s only human, and so are you!

4)    If you want a friendship with your pastor, pursue a “couples” friendship by going on double dates — with both spouses involved EVERY time.

5)    If you suspect your pastor is lonely or needs a confidant, encourage your husband to reach out to him for some male bonding time.  But don’t try to fill that role yourself!

6)    On a night that your pastor has meetings at the church, invite his wife to go to dinner, shopping, or a movie, or offer to take care of the kids so she can have an evening all to herself if that’s what she needs.  In other words, think of ways to support them in their ministry and marriage so that their roles within the church don’t feel so draining on their relationship.

7)    When we need personal spiritual guidance, women should seek advice and a listening ear from another woman, not a man.  Especially not a married man in ministry who’s got a lot to lose if either of you form an emotional or spiritual bond to the other!

8)    Dress modestly at all times, but especially at church.  And ask a friend or your pastor’s wife if your definition of “modest” is on target.  What may seem perfectly acceptable to you may be causing eyes to pop or jaws to drop without your awareness.

9)    Don’t get so demonstrative during worship times that you’re calling attention to yourself.  If you want to dance around like a wild woman to show your love for Jesus, do it at home where visually-stimulated men aren’t distracted by body parts bouncing around, or at least move to the back of the sanctuary so that you don’t become the center of attention for other worshippers.

10)Always keep in mind that there’s a fine line between spirituality and sexuality.  If you need a reminder of that, read the first few pages or watch the first scene of The Grapes of Wrath!

For centuries women have often felt so powerless in the presence of men (like Bathsheba, who had to submit to King David’s call).  But this is a new era, and women have every right to resist a man’s inappropriate sexual advances.  Not only that, but we have the RESPONSIBILITY not to lead men down the road to relational disasters that will inevitably destroy reputations and divide congregations.

WE hold the power to greatly impact the course of church history and personally aid in the Holy Spirit’s divine work, simply by carrying ourselves as women on a mission – not to be toyed or tampered with, but to be treated with dignity, respect, and honor.  And by taking that mission seriously, we encourage our spiritual leaders to remain MEN on a mission as well.