Shannon Ethridge's Blog

(Please join me in welcoming guest blogger and current B.L.A.S.T. participant, Kathy Floyd!  Her wit and humor keep us rolling so we just had to introduce her to you.  Enjoy! –SEM blog staff)

My husband and I don’t share a lot of similarities in television preferences.  We both love reruns of M.A.S.H.  I don’t mind his “Andy Griffith” episodes, and he’s caught a few decorating visions from HGTV with me.  He doesn’t care for my medical shows, and I despise his Three Stooges (nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah)!

But for a few years, we met in the living room every Monday night for “Everybody Loves Raymond.”  We found it hilarious and liked that we both enjoyed the same show for once!  Honestly, I probably prided myself on not being quite as chiding as Debra while my husband was not nearly as clueless as Ray!  Thankfully, all our in-laws live at least a few blocks away,   and neither of us have a doofus brother!  But, the Barrones presented a picture of a couple with some decent family values . . . the kitchen seemed clean, he had a job, they romped in the sack every now and then, were involved with their kids and had actually remained married!  To each other!  So we thought it healthier than the average cheating, cussing primetime sitcom segment, and we shared lots of laughs during that half-hour each week.

One day I was reading an article on negativity, especially sarcasm, in marriage.  The writer referred to “Everybody Loves Raymond” as an example of how sarcasm can invade a couple’s communication without them being aware of the takeover.  And it hit me . . . we had begun to sound like Ray and Debra and hadn’t even noticed!  The sarcasm had crept right in!

Negativity in marriage is a lot like black mold . . . it’s nasty and toxic and creeps right in until it takes over.  We all know those couples who let the icky, moldy marriage stain keep spreading in a home until . . . well, until it got too unhealthy to live there and somebody had to move out.

“Whew!” you say.  Maybe that doesn’t describe your marriage . . . it isn’t exactly moldy, just a little mildewy at the moment, and you had hardly noticed.  But the spores can grow relentlessly on, in bathtubs and beds, until what was once sparkling has been dirtied and dulled.  It’s not until you look behind the tile . . . or pull back the covers . . . that you see the slime.

Sometimes we don’t realize that our words are so harmful.  We voice things we’re accustomed to saying and think we’re just “being ourselves” . . . statements like:

“Well, it’s about time you carried out the trash / lost a little weight / wore something

besides that ratty flannel thing to bed!”

“Why are you being nice?  You must want something.”

“Did you know we’re religious?  My wife serves burnt offerings every evening!”

“Sex . . . again?????  It hasn’t even been a month since the last time!”

“Headache . . . again?  It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the last one!”

Sometimes the receiving party can laugh those remarks off for a while, but then they start to cut.  Wounded folks will naturally work to protect themselves from pain, which could mean attacking back or retreating from the battlefield.  Either way, intimacy has taken a beating and been left injured.  The black mold of sarcasm has eaten something away.

Since sex is a type of communication between a husband and a wife, it too is susceptible to this contamination.  Negative phrases spoken in other parts of life can affect . . . umm, infect

. . . even the sacred space of the marriage bed.  Here’s what I mean:  it’s hard for him to make sweet love if she’s been making snide comments.  He laid into her with criticism . . . now she’s supposed to lay in his arms?   Nobody feels like having their clothes ripped off if their heart feels ripped out.

Thankfully, there’s good news!  Positive words are like bleach on mold!   It may take repeated applications and intentional effort to see the glowing results.  But with patience and persistence, you can lighten things up a lot!

“I sure do love you, sweetie / honey / darling / my most precious love dumpling!”

“Did you know I think you’re more beautiful now than ever?”

“Sweetheart, it makes me feel downright romantic when I come home and you’ve

cleaned the kitchen / bathed the kids / made my favorite dinner!”

“Sex?  How quick can we get these kids in bed?!?!?!?”

“Headache?  Darling, you know how to cure any headache I might have!”

Yeah, baby!  These kinds of comments are like Mr. Clean Magic Eraser . . .   they’ll take out stains that were set in deep and expected to last!

But what if you don’t feel like being sweet or sexy?  People often get caught in the trap of thinking they have to say whatever they feel.  Not so.  It’s actually possible to change emotions by going ahead with behaviors that you know to be right and good.  Try it!  Put on a pleasant expression and say something affectionate . . . “God must love me a lot to give you to me!” Keep it up and chances are high that you’ll find yourself having more of that loving feeling you didn’t have just a little while before.

As a very wise king once said, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) So how are you doing?  Is your sarcasm dripping poison into your spouse’s heart and between your sheets?  Or are your fruitful words leaving behind a sweet fragrance that lingers and delights?

For more from Kathy check out her blog ‘Confessions of a REAL Desperate Housewife’ at http://www.kathyrodenfloyd.blogspot.com/  or contact her directly by visiting www.kathyfloyd.com

Or for more on the B.L.A.S.T. mentoring program please visit http://www.shannonethridge.com/blast.shtml