Archive for June, 2010
How to Start a Movement
posted by Terrica
Here’s a shout out to you, our readers. Whether it’s this blog, our newsletter, hot tip emails, or one of Shannon’s many book titles…we want to say thanks for your support! Because of you, our passion for healthy sexuality and spirituality has become a movement. Check it out:
Want to start your own Movement? What are YOU passionate about?
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Should a woman be her husband’s accountability partner?
(Our friend, Luke Gilkerson, of CovenantEyes.com recently shared this fantastic article with us and we simply can’t keep it to ourselves. Check it out!)
With the advent of movements like Promise Keepers, accountability has been a buzzword in male Christian community. Men are regularly encouraged by friends, pastors, and mentors to find good accountability partners in their struggle against lust, masturbation, and pornography. But often women will ask me this question: Should I be my husband’s accountability partner in these areas?
Sometimes a husband believes his wife would make an ideal accountability partner. After all, she is around him all the time and knows him in ways no one else does. She is his confidant, friend, lover, and soul-mate. Why not throw “accountability partner” into the mix?
The Pain of Knowing
Our answer to this question centers on the definition of an “accountability partner.” What is accountability, really? Recently I asked Joe Dallas this question. Joe is the author of The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity and speaks widely on the subject of sexual brokenness. He said,
“I don’t personally believe in a wife being a husband’s accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife—and that’s not a contradiction in terms. An accountability partner on a week basis asks you: ‘Did you look at pornography? Did you masturbate? Did you flirt? Did you allow yourself to entertain unclean thoughts? Did you handle your sexuality well this week?’ If the wife is the one asking those questions, the husband is going to be imposing on his wife unnecessary pain and detail.”
I asked Amy Smalley the same question. Amy and her husband regularly counsel couples through their Marriage Restoration Intensive programs. She believes when a husband exclusively looks to his wife to confess his sexual struggles, this only serves to trigger a myriad of false beliefs in her: I’m not satisfying enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough for him, etc. Amy said,
“The reason why it’s not best for her to be the accountability partner is because that directly affects her. There’s a message: when my husband views pornography, whether he does it intentionally or not, he will say, ‘Oh, it has nothing to do with you’—you can say that, but that’s not how she feels. She feels like, ‘This has a direct reflection on me.’”
Fred Stoeker, co-author of Every Man’s Battle, gave me the same answer. He believes the sort of raw details discussed in accountability conversations could be very hurtful to a marriage: “The wife is going to be shocked how many times he stumbles as he tries to win this battle, and it will begin to dishearten her. . . . It will actually hurt the relationship instead of strengthen it.”
While Fred knows of some wives who are able to not be disheartened by their husband’s temptations and sins, he says it is a rare thing.
The Need to Trust
That being said, healthy marriages must be built on honesty and transparency. Jesus, the bridegroom of the church, was pleased to reveal to us everything His Father taught Him (John 15:15). Jesus has given to us His own Spirit who shares with us “the deep things” of God’s heart (1 Corinthians 2:10-12). Husbands, we must follow our Master’s example. We must be open and honest as we share our hearts with our wives.
Joe Dallas mentioned this issue in my conversation with him. While a husband does not need to belabor his wife with intricate details of his sexual struggles, a man should volunteer information to his wife about how he is doing in the fight to stay pure. If there has been a breach of trust in the past, or if he has given into habitual lust, she needs to see the fruit of repentance in her husband. She needs a window to peer into his soul so she can see his diligent faithfulness to her. Trust is built only when he builds a track record of trustworthiness.
In my conversation with Dr. Mark Laaser, he affirmed, “The husband is accountable to the wife to stay sexually pure,” but then quickly added, “but I don’t think the wife should be a part of his network such that she’s engaged at the same level other men are going to be. . . He should have a network of men he is able to call.”
Couples need to dialogue about what sort of details she needs to hear and what details should be reserved for other guys who are helping him in his struggle.
The “Need” to Know
Dr. Laaser also pointed out the slippery slope of spousal accountability. Women have often found “they sometimes get into controlling their husband’s behavior.” Amy Smalley was also very attuned to this tendency in women—when the need to build trust turns into an obsessive curiosity. These obsessive thoughts often feed unforgiveness or a desire to control or manipulate. Joe Dallas told me when a wife is engaged in accountability on a deep level with her husband “it puts the wife in a rather maternal position with a husband,” which he thinks is very unhealthy for a marriage.
What is the difference between helpful honesty that encourages trust and unhelpful probing that leads to tension? The difference is in the heart of the wife. Amy Smalley says this is a matter of serious prayer: God, reveal my motives. Tell me when want to know so I can be confident in my husband’s repentance and when just want to feed my bitterness or control him in some way.
The Need for Male Community
When the struggle is with Internet pornography, many people have made use of accountability software, such as Covenant Eyes. When all of your Internet activity is monitored and detailed reports are sent to others who have agreed to stand with you in fight for purity, this makes an enormous difference in how we use the Web.
I work for Covenant Eyes, and recently we surveyed some of our members and found that about 30% of them have their accountability reports emailed to their wives. For many couples this is a token of real transparency and honesty, as if to say, “My life is completely open to you. I have no secrets. I love you.”
Still, many guys have the same report emailed to other men in their accountability network. These are the men who hear the nitty-gritty details: the lustful glances, the fantasies, and the temptations we face on a regular basis in our sex-saturated world. This is the brotherhood that encourages us to flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace in our world and our relationships (2 Timothy 2:22).
In my conversation with Amy Smalley she said how assuring this can be for a wife, to know her husband is meeting regularly with another guy or a group of men who are engaged in the battle with him. It is freeing to a woman when she knows and trusts the men who surround her husband with encouragement, prayer, and correction. Amy’s message to husbands is for them to find accountability among other brothers:
“Covenant Eyes is a great way for men to be accountable to other men. That way, first of all, there’s some compassion there, because it’s another man who’s hard-wired the same way that you are. And two, it someone that you feel has a connection and that will love you no matter what but really kick you in the pants when you need to, and talk to you the way a man needs to talk to another man.”
If you want to listen to these conversations, please listen to our podcast (11 minutes) on the Covenant Eyes blog.
Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the corporate weblog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and is currently working on his Master of Arts in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a Campus Minister. He lives in Michigan with his wife Trisha and two sons.
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Everybody Loves Loving Words–by Kathy Floyd
(Please join me in welcoming guest blogger and current B.L.A.S.T. participant, Kathy Floyd! Her wit and humor keep us rolling so we just had to introduce her to you. Enjoy! –SEM blog staff)
My husband and I don’t share a lot of similarities in television preferences. We both love reruns of M.A.S.H. I don’t mind his “Andy Griffith” episodes, and he’s caught a few decorating visions from HGTV with me. He doesn’t care for my medical shows, and I despise his Three Stooges (nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah)!
But for a few years, we met in the living room every Monday night for “Everybody Loves Raymond.” We found it hilarious and liked that we both enjoyed the same show for once! Honestly, I probably prided myself on not being quite as chiding as Debra while my husband was not nearly as clueless as Ray! Thankfully, all our in-laws live at least a few blocks away, and neither of us have a doofus brother! But, the Barrones presented a picture of a couple with some decent family values . . . the kitchen seemed clean, he had a job, they romped in the sack every now and then, were involved with their kids and had actually remained married! To each other! So we thought it healthier than the average cheating, cussing primetime sitcom segment, and we shared lots of laughs during that half-hour each week.
One day I was reading an article on negativity, especially sarcasm, in marriage. The writer referred to “Everybody Loves Raymond” as an example of how sarcasm can invade a couple’s communication without them being aware of the takeover. And it hit me . . . we had begun to sound like Ray and Debra and hadn’t even noticed! The sarcasm had crept right in!
Negativity in marriage is a lot like black mold . . . it’s nasty and toxic and creeps right in until it takes over. We all know those couples who let the icky, moldy marriage stain keep spreading in a home until . . . well, until it got too unhealthy to live there and somebody had to move out.
“Whew!” you say. Maybe that doesn’t describe your marriage . . . it isn’t exactly moldy, just a little mildewy at the moment, and you had hardly noticed. But the spores can grow relentlessly on, in bathtubs and beds, until what was once sparkling has been dirtied and dulled. It’s not until you look behind the tile . . . or pull back the covers . . . that you see the slime.
Sometimes we don’t realize that our words are so harmful. We voice things we’re accustomed to saying and think we’re just “being ourselves” . . . statements like:
“Well, it’s about time you carried out the trash / lost a little weight / wore something
besides that ratty flannel thing to bed!”
“Why are you being nice? You must want something.”
“Did you know we’re religious? My wife serves burnt offerings every evening!”
“Sex . . . again????? It hasn’t even been a month since the last time!”
“Headache . . . again? It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the last one!”
Sometimes the receiving party can laugh those remarks off for a while, but then they start to cut. Wounded folks will naturally work to protect themselves from pain, which could mean attacking back or retreating from the battlefield. Either way, intimacy has taken a beating and been left injured. The black mold of sarcasm has eaten something away.
Since sex is a type of communication between a husband and a wife, it too is susceptible to this contamination. Negative phrases spoken in other parts of life can affect . . . umm, infect
. . . even the sacred space of the marriage bed. Here’s what I mean: it’s hard for him to make sweet love if she’s been making snide comments. He laid into her with criticism . . . now she’s supposed to lay in his arms? Nobody feels like having their clothes ripped off if their heart feels ripped out.
Thankfully, there’s good news! Positive words are like bleach on mold! It may take repeated applications and intentional effort to see the glowing results. But with patience and persistence, you can lighten things up a lot!
“I sure do love you, sweetie / honey / darling / my most precious love dumpling!”
“Did you know I think you’re more beautiful now than ever?”
“Sweetheart, it makes me feel downright romantic when I come home and you’ve
cleaned the kitchen / bathed the kids / made my favorite dinner!”
“Sex? How quick can we get these kids in bed?!?!?!?”
“Headache? Darling, you know how to cure any headache I might have!”
Yeah, baby! These kinds of comments are like Mr. Clean Magic Eraser . . . they’ll take out stains that were set in deep and expected to last!
But what if you don’t feel like being sweet or sexy? People often get caught in the trap of thinking they have to say whatever they feel. Not so. It’s actually possible to change emotions by going ahead with behaviors that you know to be right and good. Try it! Put on a pleasant expression and say something affectionate . . . “God must love me a lot to give you to me!” Keep it up and chances are high that you’ll find yourself having more of that loving feeling you didn’t have just a little while before.
As a very wise king once said, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) So how are you doing? Is your sarcasm dripping poison into your spouse’s heart and between your sheets? Or are your fruitful words leaving behind a sweet fragrance that lingers and delights?
For more from Kathy check out her blog ‘Confessions of a REAL Desperate Housewife’ at http://www.kathyrodenfloyd.blogspot.com/ or contact her directly by visiting www.kathyfloyd.com
Or for more on the B.L.A.S.T. mentoring program please visit http://www.shannonethridge.com/blast.shtml
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A TRUE Twilight Story
posted by Terrica
We recently received an email from a guy who is absolutely heartbroken regarding the Twilight Saga. At first glance, we assumed it was simply another husband complaining (albeit rightly so!) about his wife’s over-enthusiasm for the series, but as we continued reading soon realized his cry was far more serious that we could have imagined. Ladies, take note. Consider this a warning.
Dear Shannon,
I’m writing you because I have no idea who else might understand the situation I find myself in. My wife has an addiction, though it’s not what you might think. She addicted to the teen book series called Twilight. Are you familiar? I honestly wasn’t until recently. I mean, I’d heard of them in passing but that was about it. Well, a few weeks ago out of nowhere she began accusing me of having an affair. I was shocked! You see, we’re both Christians, happily married with 2 children, and when I say happily I mean it. We’ve always had a great marriage, great sex life, great everything. So when she began falsely accusing me of infidelity for no apparent reason, I was dumbstruck. When I asked her WHY she thought such a thing, she said there had to be someone else because I just didn’t pursue and romance her the way I used to. I admit, I probably don’t pursue her the way I did when we were first dating, but I’m still very affectionate, loving, affirming, bring her flowers…you get the idea. It isn’t like I’m cold and distant.
Anyway–over the course of a few weeks she kept starting these arguments out of nowhere, and then in the middle of them she’d say what she really wanted was to have sex. No kidding. She’d go from hating me to wanting me sexually all in the same conversation, well, argument really. You can imagine how confused I was by the whole interaction. The REALLY weird thing was–she seemed completely mentally absent during the act. Like…she wasn’t even there. At first she’d simply close here eyes the ENTIRE time, but eventually–without being too graphic–she wanted to engage in intercourse in such positions that she literally couldn’t see me. After this occurred a few times I sort of confronted it, and she admitted she had been fantasizing about ‘some actor–no big deal’. I knew she’d been reading the series but hadn’t thought much of it. I started doing some digging online and realized she had been spending HOURS looking at photos of this Robert Pattinson guy who plays the vampire in the books. She has also been watching the movies over and over while I was at work. I was floored! I asked her if that was him, the guy she was fantasizing about and she admitted it was, but when I asked her to stop reading the books she refused. A few days later, still really bothered by the whole thing, I asked again and she still refused. Then things really got strange. I got incredibly angry and told her the books had become an idol and that I wouldn’t have it in my house–to which she started screaming at me. It was a side of her I’d NEVER seen in our 8 years of marriage. I took the books and started towards the door to trash them, and she ATTACKED me. Physically, literally attacked me. She kept screaming, “Give me my books back!” I had to hold her down until she calmed, but even then she was still so angry she ordered me to leave. I stayed at my buddies apartment that night, thinking it was a good thing to give us time to cool off. What I didn’t expect was that I’d end up staying there 4 consecutive nights. It’s been over two weeks now since that big fight, and when I’ve tried to talk to her she says she wants a divorce. She says she just isn’t happy with me anymore, that she wants something different, something more. No matter what I say her eyes just look empty.
Shannon, I am so heartbroken. I feel like I’ve lost my precious wife to a fictional character that isn’t even REAL. What do I do? I don’t know how to be MORE. I love her deeply, and our children. I provide for them, always have. We have a beautiful home and life together… I don’t know what else I can give her that I don’t already. I’ve suggested counseling but she says she isn’t interested, that it won’t help. What do I do? I’m at a loss. Please help.
Jason
Reading this email breaks my heart over and over again. I don’t have words to express my sadness. The incredibly interesting part of his email however, was an excerpt he included from an article he’d found online by Steve Wohlberg. In you aren’t aware, Stephanie Meyer (the author) wrote this series after the concept came to her in a DREAM. She had never written anything before this series was birthed. She’s been asked multiple times if she’s ever dreamed of her characters again, and she says she has only ONCE:
“Shockingly, after Stephenie Meyer’s unexpected rise to stardom, she later confessed,
I actually did have a dream after Twilight was finished of Edward coming to visit me — only I had gotten it wrong and he did drink blood like every other vampire and you couldn’t live on animals the way I’d written it. We had this conversation and he was terrifying. (2)
I’m convinced that the “Edward” who appeared to Stephenie Meyer in her two dreams was a demon with a secret, diabolical agenda. What agenda? Based on what God’s Book says in Revelation 12:11, it was to keep sinful mortals focused on the wrong blood. Judging by the public’s response to the Twilight novels and movies, there’s no doubt that his hellish plot has been successful”
Fascinating, huh? Check out the full article here:
In order to guard your marriages ladies, you MUST guard your hearts! It is of absolute, paramount importance. Don’t be sucked into this craze. Your husbands and children are worth far more than a fictional obsession with teenage vampires and werewolves!
Do you agree?? Have you heard of similar situations like Jason’s? Did you get sucked in, too? Would love to hear your story, if so. I’ll be sharing mine soon!
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