Shannon Ethridge's Blog

posted by Terrica

A reader from Australia recently sent us this photo of her daughter Lily, age 2.  She left her in bed to take a nap, but when checking in a bit later found her propped up in bed reading!   We may have just discovered out youngest fan, ever

Remember moms (and dads), it’s never too early to teach your daughters about embracing her role as the bride of Christ!

by Shannon

(Warning:  This Hot Tip is NOT for the faint-at-heart or the easy-to-be-made-queasy!  If that’s YOU, stop reading NOW!)

I really appreciated all of the shouts of praise (from both women AND men) in response to the most recent Hot Tip about keeping your vaginal area cleansed if oral sex is something you desire.  A reader posed this question in response, and I thought it warranted a follow-up Hot Tip!

K.R. wrote, “I have some questions concerning body hair. I have been told to shave or wax down there. I have shaved it a few times, but it just leaves a rash and itches like crazy when it comes back. So I’m not sure how to keep myself groomed in that area.  Is there a certain kind of tool to use in order to keep yourself groomed or would you suggest maybe Nair? This is rather awkward for me to ask, but I figure other inquiring minds want to know as well!”

Indeed, this is a great question!  BRAVO for working up the courage to put this kind of question out there, K.R.!  Here’s my opinion on several different options:

• Nair or Hair Removing Lotion:  These products are only meant for external hair such as legs or armpits.  I wouldn’t go there with the vaginal area – too much possibility for a negative reaction to such harsh chemicals!
• Shaving:  Not only is it difficult to shave yourself, you’re right.  It feels great for a few hours, then the rash sets in, and you’re stuck with 3 days of major crotch-itch until it grows back in.  Miserable!
• Waxing:  Yes, I tried it.  Once.  And I can’t say I’ll ever do it again.  I was SO eager to hear my cosmetologist say those three magical words, “We’re all DONE!”  Even though waxing feels great afterward and lasts a good while, the process ranks right up there with root canals in my opinion.  If you have a low tolerance for pain, waxing may not be for you.

So what’s a Sexually Confident Wife to do if none of these are great options?  Try these Quick-Trim Techniques:

• After showering and using an intimate cleansing product like Summer’s Eve Intimate Cleanser, grab sections of pubic hair between two fingers and gently pull them away from the body.  Then use regular hair cutting scissors to trim as close to your skin as possible without cutting yourself.  It will create a “low burr haircut” effect.
• Stand over the toilet so that hair falls directly into the bowl to make clean up a snap.
• You could also use a man’s beard trimmer for such a job, but do NOT stand over a small body of water such as a toilet to use an electrical appliance!
• Slip back into the shower for another quick cleansing session to wash away any remaining stray stubble.

No harsh chemicals, no painful waxing, no razor burn, no horrible itch as it grows out!  Every 2-4 weeks should be plenty to keep your private playground well-groomed.

And if reaching these parts of your body is a challenge for you, hand your husband the scissors with a smile, place a towel on the bed, lay down on your back, and invite him to give you a hand.  Most men would be happy to oblige knowing that he’ll get to indulge afterward!

Wishing you good, clean fun!

by Shannon

(Warning:  This Hot Tip is NOT for the faint-at-heart or the easy-to-be-made-queasy!  If that’s YOU, hit the delete button NOW!)

I was recently driving around Los Angeles and listening to a sex therapy radio talk show.  A woman called in complaining that her husband rarely performs oral sex, yet frequently desires her to perform it for him.  She couldn’t understand how things had gotten so one-sided in their marriage bed, and she was demanding change (and prepared to hold out on him until that change took place).

The therapist asked her in response, “Could there be a feminine hygiene issue?”

The caller was dead silent.  Finally she asked, “What do you mean?”

The therapist responded, “Do you cleanse your vaginal area properly before expecting your husband to perform oral sex?”

Again, dead silence.  She eventually replied, “Well, I take a shower, if that’s what you mean.”

“No, I’m not talking about just a shower.  Do you spread the lips of your vagina and use some sort of body wash to get rid of the odor and bacteria naturally present there?” the therapist inquired, leaving no room for misinterpretation.

The caller replied, “I was never told that was necessary, and I heard Dr. Oz say that the vagina is a ‘self-cleaning oven’ on the Oprah Show.”

I thought, Hello?!?!?  This woman is expecting her husband to indulge in such an intimate sexual act with his mouth (and nose) when she hasn’t properly cleaned herself?

In all honesty, I wanted to find this gal’s mama, spank her, and ask, “What were you thinking to let your daughter wander into marriage without even a basic understanding of feminine hygiene?!?!?”

And then I thought, “Oh, her poor husband!”

I wanted to scream four simple words loud enough so that she could hear me in Philadelphia all the way from Los Angeles:  Summer’s Eve Intimate Cleanser!

In case this is a newsflash to you, let me explain a few things:

• Yes, the vaginal CANAL is a self-cleaning oven, but the “oven door” has to be wiped down regularly!  The vaginal lips (the internal and external folds of skin surrounding the vaginal canal) collect sweat and bacteria like any other crack or crevice of your body.  Not to get too gross here, but you wouldn’t expect your husband to lick between your toes or under your armpit unless it had been thoroughly washed with soap and water, right?  A sexually confident wife should have just as sensitive of standards with her nether region!
• Doctors recommend that women should not douche more than once a month (if at all) because inserting those chemicals inside your vaginal canal washes away all your natural (good) bacteria that fight off infections.  But what I’m talking about here isn’t using an internal douche.  It’s about simply cleansing in between the folds of skin to eliminate foul odors (and tastes).
• If you desire oral sex from your husband (not all women do, and that’s okay), also realize that in addition to proper cleansing, keeping your pubic hair neatly trimmed would probably make the experience far more pleasurable for him!  I can’t imagine anyone enjoying a mouthful of hair.

Okay, enough gross stuff.  ’Nuff said.  Just keep it clean, Ladies!  Keep it clean!

And for anyone who has read this – flabbergasted — and wondered, “Isn’t oral sex sinful?” I’d say show me in the Bible where it’s forbidden!  (God didn’t accidentally leave that part out by mistake, I assure you!)  Think about it — KY Jelly wasn’t invented until centuries after the Garden of Eden, so I can’t imagine oral sex wasn’t part of God’s perfect design to naturally lubricate that which often needs lubrication for sexual intimacy to take place.  In fact, I’ll close by simply quoting Scripture directly:

“I delight to sit in my lover’s shade.

His fruit is sweet to my taste!”

(Song of Solomon 2:3)

(Sounds pretty oral to me, wouldn’t you say?)

Don’t miss Shannon this weekend at Vino Nuevo in El Paso, Texas!  She’ll be speaking at their annual women’s conference–open to the public.  If you’re in the area we’d love to connect with you!  For more info please see:

http://demujeramujer.tv/general-en.htm

by Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

In a recent blog earlier this month I jokingly wrote about a “swinging pastor” – if you didn’t read it and you need a good laugh, scroll down until you find it!  It’s hilarious!

Unfortunately, I’m writing about a different kind of “swinging pastor” today.  A dear friend was recently devastated to discover that the lead pastor of her church had been having numerous sexual affairs, unbeknownst to his wife or anyone else.  He’s now in rehab for sexual addiction as his followers try to make sense of it all and strategize about how to keep moving forward in spite of his folly.  Where are the women involved, and what kind of counseling are THEY going through?  I have no idea.  But I pray they are getting the help they need as well.

While some may be tempted to throw stones in situations like this, I’m not about to go there.  Stones don’t hit sin, they hit people – brothers and sisters who are in desperate need of unconditional love, mercy, and grace to help them have victory over such sin.  So instead of throwing stones, I want to throw out some ideas as to how WE (as women) can support our pastors and serve as building blocks in their lives rather than stumbling blocks!

The three most common questions I’ve heard in response to tragedies like this are:

1. “How could a pastor do such a thing?”
2. “Why is this so common these days?”
3. “Why do men with sexual issues seem to gravitate toward ministry?”

Let’s consider which came first — a pastor’s sexual issues, or his call to ministry?

Granted, there are most likely seminary students in every corner of the world who’ve had more than their fair share of sexual struggles before they ever graduate into a pastoral leadership role.  And maybe there IS something about being in ministry that draws certain men to hide behind or take refuge inside their priestly garments.

For the most part, I think men enter the ministry with every honest intention for good. However, I do suspect that there’s something about being in ministry that makes some men incredibly vulnerable to sexual temptations.  It probably has a lot to do with that BIG RED BULLSEYE that Satan paints on any spiritual leader’s forehead.  Satan’s not dumb.  He can do math.  He knows that if he can take out the leader, many followers will fall out too, like a chain of dominoes.

What makes the spiritual leader so vulnerable to Satan’s attack against his sexuality?  One pastor explains, “Sex is not the problem.  Loneliness is the problem.”  I’ve heard over and over that being in ministry is one of the loneliest and most difficult jobs in the world.

Consider these statistics from Shiloh Place Ministries (found at http://j.mp/4zLDTK), which draws its information from Focus on the Family, Charisma Magazine, TNT Ministries, and other respected groups:
• 50% of pastors’ marriages end in divorce.
• 70% of pastors continually battle depression.
• 80% of pastors and 85% of spouses feel discouraged in their roles.
• 70% of pastors do not have a close friend, confidant, or mentor.
• Nearly 40% of pastors have had an extra-marital sexual affair since entering ministry.
• Over 50% of pastors’ wives feel that their husbands entering ministry was the most destructive thing to ever happen to their families.

A dear friend of ours (who’s been a pastor for 20+ years) has always said, “There are three kinds of people in the world – men, women, and pastors.”  In other words, people have a tendency to look at pastors differently.  Many are only comfortable seeing their pastor on Sunday mornings in the pulpit, but not on any sort of social basis, which leads to the isolation and depression so many feel.  Even if they had a listening ear, most wouldn’t dare divulge their own personal struggles to anyone in their own congregation or denomination for fear that they’d be exposed.  So they hide.  And yes, some find a false sense of shelter in the arms of a receptive woman.  And the ripple effects of their sin eventually shake the entire church (and community) to the core.

While the church as a whole cannot be held responsible for pastor’s poor choices, sexual misconduct is not just the pastor’s problem!  It takes TWO to tango!  For every pastor that stumbles and falls into a sexual affair, there’s a woman stumbling with him.  In fact, it’s often the woman that led him there in the first place with her kind words of affirmation, going out of her way to encounter his presence, manipulating him into meeting her emotional needs, making herself available to him as a confidant, etc.  How do I know?  Because I came frighteningly close to becoming “the other woman” in a pastor’s life many years ago (read chapter 12 of Every Woman’s Battle if you’re wanting the nitty-gritty behind that story).  I praise God for giving me the strength to RUN from that temptation!

So while many of us wonder, “How can a pastor DO such a thing?” I think a safer, more responsible question for us women to ask is, “How can a pastor NOT do such a thing?”  In other words, how can WE avoid being stumbling blocks to the men in spiritual leadership over us?  Here’s my best suggestions:

1)    Don’t put your pastor on such a high pedestal that you run to him instead of to God!  Pedestals are dangerous places to put anyone because we wind up either worshipping and obsessing over the person on our pedestal, or painfully disappointed by them.  Either extreme is miserable.

2)    Realize that your pastor is NOT your daddy, or your father-figure.  Whatever wounds you have from your biological father can’t be fixed by spending intimate time with your pastor, so don’t even go there.  Put on your big girl panties and deal with your father-issues with a professional counselor who’s trained in such matters.

3)    Don’t put yourself in any sort of position, physically (through time spent alone together) or emotionally (through private phone calls, text messages, emails, etc.), where you’re both made vulnerable to a relational entanglement!  He’s only human, and so are you!

4)    If you want a friendship with your pastor, pursue a “couples” friendship by going on double dates — with both spouses involved EVERY time.

5)    If you suspect your pastor is lonely or needs a confidant, encourage your husband to reach out to him for some male bonding time.  But don’t try to fill that role yourself!

6)    On a night that your pastor has meetings at the church, invite his wife to go to dinner, shopping, or a movie, or offer to take care of the kids so she can have an evening all to herself if that’s what she needs.  In other words, think of ways to support them in their ministry and marriage so that their roles within the church don’t feel so draining on their relationship.

7)    When we need personal spiritual guidance, women should seek advice and a listening ear from another woman, not a man.  Especially not a married man in ministry who’s got a lot to lose if either of you form an emotional or spiritual bond to the other!

8)    Dress modestly at all times, but especially at church.  And ask a friend or your pastor’s wife if your definition of “modest” is on target.  What may seem perfectly acceptable to you may be causing eyes to pop or jaws to drop without your awareness.

9)    Don’t get so demonstrative during worship times that you’re calling attention to yourself.  If you want to dance around like a wild woman to show your love for Jesus, do it at home where visually-stimulated men aren’t distracted by body parts bouncing around, or at least move to the back of the sanctuary so that you don’t become the center of attention for other worshippers.

10)Always keep in mind that there’s a fine line between spirituality and sexuality.  If you need a reminder of that, read the first few pages or watch the first scene of The Grapes of Wrath!

For centuries women have often felt so powerless in the presence of men (like Bathsheba, who had to submit to King David’s call).  But this is a new era, and women have every right to resist a man’s inappropriate sexual advances.  Not only that, but we have the RESPONSIBILITY not to lead men down the road to relational disasters that will inevitably destroy reputations and divide congregations.

WE hold the power to greatly impact the course of church history and personally aid in the Holy Spirit’s divine work, simply by carrying ourselves as women on a mission – not to be toyed or tampered with, but to be treated with dignity, respect, and honor.  And by taking that mission seriously, we encourage our spiritual leaders to remain MEN on a mission as well.

by Terrica

Last weekend Josh and I drove out to my parent’s house in East Texas for Easter lunch.  They live on a ‘hobby farm’ of sorts including a herd of goats, and as always when Spring babies arrive I immediately tromp out to the pasture to cuddle them!

Standing among the herd on Sunday, I took particular notice of Holman, my mom’s lone goose.  Once upon a time he was part of a goose-trio, including Hazel and Honkers.  I still remember the day mom brought them home, tiny critters chattering in a cardboard box.  They grew up to be absolutely inseparable, a constant, waddling goose-clump.  Poor Hazel, the only lady of the bunch, eventually got sick and died.  Honkers also met an unfortunate, unmentionable fate.  (It included my dad and a shotgun…but I know that image will shock and dismay some of you so I won’t go into detail.)  So that left Holman, the lone goose.

And what does a goose do when his only mates are long gone?  Well, he’s forced to choose a new companion, and in this case, a sexy-new-goat-companion.  Intro Stinker.

Since the day his goose-mates went on to goose-heaven, Holman adopted Stinker goat.  He picked her from the pack and has never since left her side.  He follows her every step, keeping her company, protecting her by honking ridiculously if anyone (or even other goats or chickens, for that matter) gets within a few feet of her.  She, apparently, is his.  It cracks me up pulling into the driveway and seeing the goat herd off in the distance…along with one random goose.

Funny thing is, Stinker-the-goat doesn’t seem to mind at all.  She just puts up with him, unfazed by his constant presence, his protective hissing and honking.  On the other hand, she doesn’t exactly seem thrilled by it either.  As I stood amused watching them on Sunday, Stinker just seemed tired.  She climbed to the top of a big dirt pile and just lay down, probably trying to escape the blasted goose.  But there he was, slowed but not deterred by her ‘king of the mountain’ antics, struggling to waddle his big goose behind up the dirt mound.  I imagine if you looked up the definition of sigh in the dictionary, it would be a picture of Stinker chewing her cud, with this random goose in the background.  It really makes you wonder, does he realize she’s a goat?  Or maybe he thinks he’s a goat now?

I’m sure you’re wondering why any of this is relevant.

It absolutely makes the point that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  I was so comforted witnessing their ‘love affair like no other.’  Their goose and goat romance reminded me of all the women we encounter on a weekly basis who confess in tears that they struggle with self-image and the toll it’s taking on their marriage relationship.  Sometimes it’s baby weight that won’t budge 2 years after the fact, sometimes a crippling disability, often an altered view of themselves thanks to our media-crazed culture depicting beauty as large, perky breasts and a size-2 waistline.  Sometimes they’ve wrestled with pornography, molestation, or domestic abuse.  Sometimes it’s the undying echo of juvenile voices that told them they weren’t pretty, or simply daddies who never told them they were.  For whatever reason, they do not celebrate who and what they are, instead the mourn who and what they aren’t.  They don’t see themselves the way their husbands do, much less through the eyes of a loving God.  They are blinded.

Holman the goose?  He’s blinded all right, but in precisely the opposite way.  I don’t know if he realizes or not that Stinker isn’t exactly his type, but it’s obvious that doesn’t matter.  In fact, even if we brought him a sexy new-lady goose, I’m not sure he’d take to her.  Geese have an undying loyalty.  They mate for life.  It’s called ‘pair bonding.’  He’ll never leave Stinker or trade her in for someone ‘prettier,’ because it isn’t about what she looks like, it’s who she is: his companion.

As we packed up the car to leave on Sunday I stole one last glance out at the pasture.  Silly as it sounds, I thought I wish I could be more like that ridiculous goose, totally blinded to all my so-called flaws and insecurities and those of everyone around me. I want to sincerely celebrate each and every woman in my life, no matter what she does or doesn’t look like.  It isn’t about what she looks like, it’s who she is: my friend, my companion, my sister, my confidant, my family, myself. And then I prayed, no joke, Lord-help me be more like Holman-the-goose.

And then I laughed out loud, half-amused at my silly notion, half completely serious.

by Shannon

Okay, so with a title like that I’m sure your mind is wandering to all kinds of twisted places!  Let me explain how Terrica and I recently met a “swinging pastor” – and how he gave us the most hilarious and priceless moment of my entire 20-year speaking career!

We were recently leading a women’s conference, and the anonymous question was submitted (as it always is), “What’s OKAY in the marriage bed?”  I launched into my schpeel about how some uptight Christians might respond to that question, “The missionary position… once a week… lights off!”  And where is THAT located in Scripture?

Actually, do you know where the term “missionary position” gets its name?  Missionaries who lived among tribal communities saw that they were engaging in sexual acts in all kinds of unusual positions, and they tried to tell them that it was “unnatural and ungodly.”  And how did the tribal people respond?  They laughed, and called what they were trying to teach as the only acceptable way as the “missionary position.”  True story.

Not that there’s anything wrong with the missionary position if it floats your boat, but I think God had something far more interesting in mind when he created men and women.  Some say, “Humans are the only species created by God that CAN have sex face to face, so that’s obviously the way He intended it.”  Oh, yeah?  I hate to burst anyone’s evolutionary bubble, but guess what?  Armadillos and humpback whales have sex face to face.

I agree with my friend Wil, who so eloquently explains, “Human beings are also the only species that can have sex UPSIDE DOWN in a SWING, so maybe THAT is what God intended!”  And yes, I explained all of that from the platform… into the microphone… in broad daylight in a church in northern Alberta, Canada.

Interestingly enough, the church’s gray-headed, sweet-spirited pastor was in the room, and Terrica told me afterwards how he threw his head back and laughed hysterically when I said that!  I didn’t even know he was in the room!

So the next morning we’re in this same church for their worship service, and this pastor takes the stage after the band wraps up the last song.  He welcomes everyone, then asks the congregation, “Has your spouse ever given you a big eye roll in response to a suggestion you make?  For example, just this morning I walked into our bedroom, looked at the ceiling, and said, ‘Honey, this spot up here on the ceiling… it would be PERFECT for a SWING!”

I swallowed my gum!  I looked at Terrica wide-eyed and asked, “Did he really just say that?”  All of the women in the audience who’d attended the conference wondered the same thing – Did he REALLY just say that??? – and they began hooting and hollering and trying their best to explain to their oblivious husbands what the heck he meant by that!  It took a long time for all of us to regain our composure enough to baptize the 10 women who came forward that Sunday morning (which was yet another ministry highlight of my life!)

On the way home I asked our hosts, “Would you like to pull a prank on the pastor tonight?”  We were leading a “Sexually Confident Couple” seminar for husbands and wives that evening, and I suggested I’d like to make a special presentation to the pastor for allowing us to minister there.  So we took a 2 ft. board, drilled holes in each side, strung rope through, and made the pastor and his wife a SWING as a gag gift!  But the really cool thing is that my accomplice tied the ends of the rope to a CANE with a curved hook at the top.  We wrapped it in a large gift bag with tissue paper such that only the top of the cane was sticking out.  So at the close of our Sexually Confident Couple seminar, I made the announcement that Terrica and I wanted to present the “shepherd” of this flock a special gift for his partnership in ministry.  Both he and his wife came forward, thinking this was some sort of shepherd’s hook.  But as they removed the tissue paper and pulled out the contraption, they recognized the device as their own personal (make-shift) SWING!  Both of them turned as red as the Canadian flag, and we all bellowed until our sides ached!  I didn’t have to remove my mascara that night after wiping so many tears of laughter from my eyes!

You might be thinking, “All that happened in a church?”  Yeah.  And I think God got a royal kick out of it too!  And every time I pass a swing set, I’ll fondly remember this incredibly special group of people and the fun we all had with their “swinging pastor!”

posted by Shannon

As the wife of a Certified Public Accountant, I feel like a widow around “tax time” every year. From mid-February through mid-April, Greg will have to work many evenings & weekends to keep his nose above the waterline. But there’s always nights like last night, when he was drowning in Excel spreadsheets to the point that he couldn’t come home until midnight because auditors were coming the next day.

When he delivered this news, I had a choice to make. I could either:

a.-whine and complain that all he cares about is work, work, work!

b.-give him the silent treatment and pretend it doesn’t bother me

c.-put on my big girl panties and take dinner up to his office so he’d know how much I care about him

Fortunately, I chose the latter. When he came home, he was too exhausted for sex, so the big girl panties STAYED on. But his heart was very soft toward me, which for a woman is just as good as sex, right? And sex will be easier to engage in as our hearts remain soft toward one another!

Remember, most men don’t work so hard because they don’t want to be at home. They work so hard because they don’t want to be home-less! They want to be good providers for their family. So let’s cheer our men on and find ways to show them how much we love and appreciate them, ladies!

In what ways do YOU cheer your husband on?  How do you show him appreciation?  We want to hear YOUR tips!