The Beauty Battle
In light of our most recent topic (which we’ll be delving into more in the coming weeks–so stay tuned), today seemed the perfect time to introduce Charissa Steyn, a current participant in our B.L.A.S.T. program. We think you’ll love her entertaining yet honest perspective on beauty just as much as we do!
Skimming through pre-marital books and seeing the sketches of the more “intimate parts” of marriage, usually left me gasping for air. My eyes peeled back in shock. These reading sessions were normally quite brief, since my ability to digest sex talk was quite low as an engaged woman!
My naïve mind was still haunted by the question, “What will my husband think when he sees me naked?”
Months before my wedding I was still vividly imagining the shock on my husband’s face when he discovered my prickly leg hairs, non-existent cleavage, and fuzzy arm hair in all their glory.
Sex with the light on. Never.
Lingerie. Not me.
Bubble bath together. In your dreams.
Obviously, I was nowhere near the definition of a sexually confident wife! Nearly every time I looked in the mirror my eyes focused on the mistakes.
Here’s why…
For most of my life I only owned two white bras and boy cut underwear in polka dots and stripes. I was known as the first person to grab a towel out of the swimming pool, and the last to walk around in a bra and panties in my all-girls apartment. Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was ashamed of the way God had made me.
The desire for a perfect figure eventually led me into the biggest battle of my life so far- an eating disorder. Instead of giving me the confidence I desperately longed for, this obsession quickly stole my femininity.
Bones stuck out through my skin, and I soon found myself feeling like an “it,” rather than a woman. Blinded to God’s beauty within me, a thick blanket of lies had succeeded in getting me to think I would never be pretty enough.
Obsessed with my appearance, I felt worthless if my thighs rubbed together. When my belly stuck out a little I would run for an hour on the treadmill. If I noticed any sign of fat developing I would nibble on some lettuce leaves making it my only meal of the day.
The scale became more than a machine. We had formed a bittersweet relationship. The smaller numbers it gave me, the more I enjoyed standing on it.
I was starving for confidence. Dying for change.
Fast forward my story to 2010.
My mission to be beautiful and thin came to an end as I journeyed ever closer to God’s heart.
God has shown me that counting calories and staying a size two will never make me feel beautiful. I finally allowed Him to define beauty for me.
Beauty is who we are as a woman. It’s more than skin deep. Beauty runs wildly through our veins, flowing into our soul, spirit, and body. “Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!” (Ps. 139, MSG)
Now, you will find me confidently sporting my two-piece swimsuit, even though my body is nothing like the women on magazine covers. The size of my thighs or how my jeans fit (even if they are a little tighter!) does not rock my world because I know that my curves are feminine. The scale only tells me my weight- it does not determine my confidence.
Although you may have never struggled with an eating disorder, perhaps, you’ve fallen into the trap of believing that binge dieting, late night workouts, and skin regimens can somehow give you the perfect body, and in return give you the confidence you so desperately desire.
Deriving our confidence from the number on the scale or the little tag on the inside of our jeans, will always leave us dissatisfied, and not to mention hungry!
Are you starving to be confident in your physical appearance?
Along with my testimony, perhaps you need a little more motivation in learning to love the body God has given you…
Being confident in your body will also unlock greater depths of intimacy in your marriage!
My husband is thrilled to see that I do not hide my body behind a towel, nor am I skittish in my lingerie, or fearful to be naked. Nothing could excite him more than to hear me say,
Sex with the light on. Definitely more fun!
Lingerie. Always!
Bubble bath together. Can’t wait!
As married women, the view we have of our body does not just affect one person, but two!
We must be able to rest securely rest in our husband’s embrace, knowing he loves every part.
Before you try to wax off all your odd hairs, run yourself crazy on the treadmill, or complain about your awkward features- stand naked in from the mirror and accept, with a smile, the body that God has given you.
If God can take a woman who was once fearful of gaining a single pound and transform her into a sexually confident wife, then He can certainly do for you too!
Remember that true beauty is not something to be achieved; rather it is who we are as women. Our bodies are fingerprints of His handiwork.
Do you still battle to accept the woman in the mirror? What awkward features about your body (we all have them!) are you allowing to steal your confidence?
Being confident in our own skin makes us exceptionally radiant and attractive women. Better yet, it is a priceless gift we can give our husbands every day of our marriage!
For more from Charissa check out http://blushingbrideguide.blogspot.com/ and http://charsteyn.blogspot.com/
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Awesome post! I am not yet married (or engaged, seeing anyone, etc.), but I DID spend 12 years with an eating disorder and can totally relate to the feelings you describe. During that time, the scale didn’t simply show my weight, it determined my happiness for the day. One pound could literally put me in a great mood or plunge me into near despair. One pound — how ridiculous! I spent four years in Christian counseling and now am SO much more comfortable in my skin. I look at pictures of myself years ago and am appalled at how emaciated I look. Now, I look alive. I no longer have people ask me if I’m doing ok or if I”m sick (literally). Do I love every part of my body now? No. But honestly, who cares? I’m content with myself, and I love being alive and healthy. And if I am blessed with a husband at some time, I believe I will bring a more “whole” person into the marriage.
I didn’t mean to make this post so lengthy – but all this to say thank you for sharing!
Love yr message girl! <3
I think the modern surge in body image issues is merely symptomatic of a larger problem that society thinks women should only be sexual as it applies to pleasing men, not for their own right to pleasure as sexual beings. This is surely evident in porn- where most of the women just look good and whether or not they orgasm (if they even ACTUALLY do instead of just faking it) is secondary, not to mention the basic premise of IMAGERY over imtimacy. Ugh…
Looking your best is great, but it should never be the primary goal. It should only be an outward reflection of inner beauty and happiness. There are enough non-invasive fixes out there that “imperfections” should never ruin your day (wear a flatter dress if you’re feeling “fat”, grab some concealer for those blemishs, do a quick shave for those hairy legs or simply wear sexy thigh highs to bed with nothing else *wink wink*)On an interesting note, I think the Christian community which can over-emphasize modesty and the spirit over the flesh adds to the problem. It’s not just Hollywood. They’re have been studies (which I wish I could recall the names of right now but I’m blanking…) that show some of the most image conscious women are in fundalentalist Islamic nations in the Middle East. Even though they see little to nothing of Western media and are covered head to toe, looking “perfect” is of upmost importance. Until the human body and particularly the female body is honored as God’s creation, we’ll sadly continue to struggle with this issue.
Thank you! I am a wife that currently stuggles with my self-image and this helped a lot. I am learning and trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I love one of the last things you said was, “True beauty is not something to be achieved; rather it is who we are as women. Our bodies are fingerprints of HIS handiwork.” Thank you so much. I will be putting that statement on my mirror so i see it every time i look in it and begin to doubt the work that God put into me!
Ladies, I have loved reading all the comments. It is so awesome to see how God can use our stories to encourage one another. The way we see ourselves, has more affect on our lives than we think. I am looking forward to writing more on this topic in the future. God is going to help us become confident in our beauty as His women so that we can spread His Beauty everywhere we go.
Thank you! This is me right now – about 4 months away from my wedding, wondering these same things. Knowing that I want my marriage to be fantastic sexually! Knowing that I have to acknowledge my insecurities, recognize them as baseless and act on the truth anyway! But it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has traveled this path!
I have a husband who is a good man and who I love very much, but I know what he thinks of my body . . . he has told me, and it was that he found me unattractive, along with details of why. Admittedly, it was a few years ago, and while he hasn’t said it lately in such hurtful terms, he has said he “tries not to think about it,” letting me know that his opinion has not changed. I no longer appear naked in front of him. I turn my back when I change clothes. Any sexual activity is with lights out. He won’t even kiss me deeply unless we’re in bed about to be sexual. One day lately we were home alone and sleeping late, and he initiated some “fooling around.” I COULD NOT relax with him seeing my body. And formerly this was NOT a problem. While losing weight would help some, there would be major plastic surgery needed. Large, very pendulous breasts are not going move up any with weight loss! Even when thinner, I still have large arms and legs. I enjoy sex quite a lot, even in my mid 40′s, but he really only wants oral sex and intercourse happens probably 6 times or less per year. And I have to practically insist on that. When the lights are out, we can “talk dirty” a little, and he gives me pleasure, but he refuses to talk about it any other time, refuses to get counseling, refuses to think he has any type of issue. His excuse is that because I’m not attractive to him, he doesn’t want “real” sex with me. He can’t give an excuse for why he is able to insert himself into another orifice in my body. His ideal body is Beyonce. I’m a 40-something white woman for heaven’s sake! It doesn’t matter how much weight I lose or how much surgery I have, I will NEVER look like Beyonce! Did I mention he is very fat? That used to never matter to me, but now it does and I totally believe it’s just one way the enemy can attack our marriage. He would like it if I had a lap-band and a major breast lift. And he wouldn’t want them reduced, but enlarged! I am about a cup size F and we won’t be getting anything enlarged, no matter how much lifting gets done! I would need a tummy tuck too and surgery on my upper arms. He wouldn’t consider paying for it. (I’m about 60 pounds overweight if that helps you understand.) Until then, I guess he’d be just fine to keep getting blow jobs whenever he asks for them. And I feel obligated so I shut up and do it. I get to have an orgasm about once a month, twice if it’s a good month. I’m not sure now if I’m just venting or if I’m asking for advice, but I would appreciate advice if you have any. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy.