Shannon Ethridge's Blog

“Don” writes via email:

Hi Shannon! Thank you for your site. My wife and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary! Our sex life has been good…except in one area. I was a virgin when we married. My wife was not, and I knew this. It did not bother me…until after we said “I do.” I began worrying “am I good enough to make her forget?…will she compare me?…will she have flashbacks when we are making love?…will I meet her expectations?”

My question: What do I do when the thoughts of her former sex partners come lofting into my mind?! The advice so far has been: stop playing tug-o-war with the devil…you can’t win…drop the rope (memories of her lovers). Do you have any extra encouragement/advice???

Uh huh, I do. Think about human nature. When we focus on what we SHOULDN’T or CAN’T or WON’T ALLOW ourselves to do, guess what we naturally do? We’re all the more tempted to do that very thing. Instead, focus on what you CAN or WILL CHOOSE to do. There is power in remaining positive. CHOOSE to win your wife’s trust, and you’ll win her heart. CHOOSE to become her dream lover (and this is far more about tenderness than technique), and I guarantee that all others will PALE in comparison.

Want to know HOW to make those kinds of healing choices? Read on…

My husband and I came into marriage 20 years ago with a similar dynamic. He walked into my world a 26-year old virgin. Between the ages of 15 and 20, I’d had more partners than any woman cares to admit. I forewarned Greg about “what kind of woman” he was interested in before we got engaged. He seemed undaunted. Even when I approached him after two years of marriage crying, “There’s no way you could possibly love me if you knew how many men there have been!”

“I don’t need to know how many, Shannon. But if you need to tell me, I’m willing to listen,” was his response. I spent a few days combing my memories and creating a long list. I approached him with a total number, braced for a look of disgust and a renunciation of his wedding vows. I vocalized the number, literally choking on the sound of it emitting from my mouth, so broken with shame and self-loathing.

“Even if you told me a number 100 times that, I’m still not going anywhere,” Greg replied. “Besides, I know that your past isn’t about you & me… it’s about you & your dad.” Although I didn’t understand that at the time, Greg was absolutely right. An emotionally distant father left a hole in my heart that I went looking for love to fill as a naïve teenager. Sadly, as a result, Greg wasn’t the first man I ever slept with, but I do intend him to be the last. And isn’t that what matters most?

So for 20 years, my husband has never even once thrown that number, or my inappropriate past, up in my face. Perhaps it’s bothered him at times, I don’t know. I can’t imagine how it couldn’t. But he’s never let me know it, and his commitment to me hasn’t wavered or waffled. If he’s had sexual insecurities as a result of my past, he’s dealt with them on his own, which has certainly helped me deal with my own. And as my sexual confidence quotient has risen, I think Greg’s sexual confidence has risen as well. It’s definitely been a win-win.

So my advice, Don, is to buck up and be the man she needs you to be. Be “Jesus with skin on” to her. Let your life and love paint her a vivid picture of God’s unconditional love and mercy. Teach her that her self-worth is not based on her sexual scorecard, but on who she is in Christ. And most of all, don’t take her sexual mistakes personally. It was most likely never about you. So be a sexually confident husband, and you’ll inspire her to be a sexually confident wife.

Richest blessings,
Shannon

P.S. I’d also encourage both you and your wife to read Part 2 in The Sexually Confident Wife called “Confronting Ghosts from the Past” – I think it will bring a lot more healing in your marriage bed!