Shannon Ethridge's Blog

I love how the email responses from each blog bring up yet another topic that needs to be blogged about! Last week we asked the question, “Is Oral Sex a One-Way Street at Your House?” exploring the issue of what if you want to be the recipient of oral sex, yet your husband isn’t game for whatever reason?

In response, many have asked, “What if I am the one who is uncomfortable providing oral sex?” So let’s talk about that for a moment…

First, remember the old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” In other words, do either one of you feel as if there is something lacking? Believe it or not, some men don’t care for oral sex, even on the receiving end. If that’s your husband’s stance, then you don’t need to worry about developing such a skill.

But if your husband DOES feel there is something lacking, perhaps you’re motivated to get over whatever hurdle is holding you back. Consider some of these common hurdles:

· If it’s a spiritual issue, like I said in the previous blog, there is nothing in any holy text (the Bible, Koran, etc.) that forbids or even discourages oral pleasures in marriage. This is entirely a matter of personal conscience, so don’t worry that God would be displeased if a husband and wife engage in oral stimulation. Then again, if you simply feel uncomfortable with the activity, God’s not displeased with you either. This is entirely your own personal call. You get to decide how much freedom you’re comfortable with in your own marriage bed.

· If it’s a physical hurdle, is it because of hygiene issues? If so, start out your lovemaking with a shower, and wash his genital area thoroughly so that you’re not worried about germs. If it’s simply the idea of putting your mouth on your husband’s penis, know that there’s not much difference between orally stimulating that particular body part and sucking your thumb, so you might not want to knock it until you try it.  While there may be a tiny trace of some fluid (pre-ejaculate, which is relatively tasteless) that he can’t control, he can control the emission of semen. If you don’t want semen in your mouth, that’s understandable! Simply stimulate him orally, and when he gives you the sign that he’s about to blow (pardon the pun), you can back off with a sense of satisfaction.

· If it’s a mental or emotional hurdle, could it be because you’ve been forced to perform such an activity at a time when you were unwilling or unable to get yourself out of that situation? Do you associate oral sex with being sexually abused somehow? If so, I encourage you to seek the help of a counselor (go to www.shannonethridge.com/counseling for help). It is certainly possible to disassociate one activity from another and even find something pleasurable that you used to find painful. A key thing to remember is that your husband is not your abuser. He’s your lover, so it’s very possible to develop enough trust to share such incredibly intimate moments together without fear of pain or degradation.

Also, you might want to remind your husband that due to the difference between the length of his penis and the depth of your mouth, YOU need to be in complete control of this activity. He can coach you with his words about what he finds pleasurable, but no forced “deep throat” action allowed! No girl wants to have her tonsils traumatized like that!

Communication is key. Talk openly with one another about why you may (or may not) want to experiment with oral sex in your marriage. Be open to exploring new things, embracing those you both enjoy, and hitting the eject button on those you don’t.

Wishing you sweet satisfaction in the marriage bed,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

www.shannonethridge.com

www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com