Shannon’s SCW Blog

Last time I blogged about female frigidity, but I want to be fair and dispel the “frigid female” stereotype in this blog. I get lots of emails from women who are VERY comfortable with their sexuality and only wish that their husbands were equally as comfortable. For example, Amelia emailed recently:

I have been married for 9 years and would love for my husband to give me oral pleasure but he will not. I keep myself very well groomed. I trim very close but not bare because it’s too itchy when it grows back in. I’m very clean as well. So, I know those two issues can’t possibly be his reasoning. This whole thing is a sensitive topic for me and I fear asking what his real deal is.

My question for you is this: Am I missing a grooming/cleansing step here? Is there something else I should be doing to make oral sex pleasurable for him?

I realize not all things in life are fair or equal but I honestly find it hard to not keep score in this area. Just writing this makes me feel really sad and angry with him. I provide oral pleasure for him with out question or hesitation, because I love him and I know he enjoys it. How can I get him to respond in a similar way toward me?

Perhaps you’re experiencing the same frustration in your marriage, or maybe you’re a husband reading this and wondering if YOUR wife actually wrote it.

If so, my best advice to wives is to make sure you’re regularly using a product such as Summer’s Eve Intimate Cleanser, which is like a mild soap intended for every-day use in the external genital area where odor-causing bacteria build up between the folds of skin.

I don’t recommend using douches, because they are for internal use and wash away the natural bacteria that fight off frequent infections. Besides, vaginal odor isn’t caused by the internal vaginal secretions, but from the external areas when they aren’t cleansed properly (just as any crack or crevice of the body would develop an odor when left unclean).

Of course, some boys grow up hearing scary rumors about how bad vaginas smell and/or taste (“like tuna” was what I personally remember hearing gossipped about in junior high school). Such rumors likely create hesitation in men, even after they’re grown and married.  To exacerbate such rumors, many moms never taught their daughters proper hygiene, so some husbands have suffered through a few unpleasant oral experiences with their wives as a result.

But if you are regularly cleansing the vaginal & anal area and keeping your pubic hair trimmed, you’re doing all you can to make the experience as pleasant as possible. If this isn’t enough to give your husband a big green light for this foreplay activity, perhaps it’s time for an honest conversation, regardless of how scary that seems.

If the activity creates spiritual concerns, consider the Song of Solomon. Why would God divinely inspire the words, “I delight to sit in my lover’s shade, his fruit is sweet to my taste… Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad… Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits….” if oral sex was a forbidden activity?

It’s certainly not forbidden in scripture, but neither is it a biblical mandate. It’s a matter of personal conscience. We have the freedom to embrace this activity without guilt or shame, or we have the freedom to refrain for personal reasons.

If you’d like your husband to do less “refraining” and more “embracing,” consider tossing out the following questions in a very calm, respectful, sincere way…

1. When you were growing up, did you hear horror stories about vaginal odors or tastes? How old were you?

2. Did these stories create any sort of fear or dread in you about performing oral sex?

3. Were you raised with certain spiritual beliefs that discouraged oral sex? Have you felt as if you’d be “sinning” if you were to engage in oral sex, even in marriage?

4. How have your oral experiences been with me? Do you feel as if I’m doing enough in the way of proper hygiene to make it as pleasurable for you as possible? Could I be doing more?

5. If I were hesitant to perform oral pleasures for you, how would that make you feel?

6. How do you think I might feel when I sense hesitancy on your part to provide oral pleasure, especially if you expect me to provide that same pleasure for you without reciprocation?

7. Do you think there might be some way we could get on the same page in regards to oral sex, whether that means both of us refraining completely or both of us engaging freely? Which would you personally prefer?

You may discover that his real issue with giving oral sex is that his energy wanes long before the deed is done.  Women usually take approximately 10 times longer to orgasm than men, so you can’t really blame them for getting tired or uncomfortable in such a position.  Based on how you personally feel about the matter, you might consider asking him to provide a few minutes of oral stimulation, but then incorporating the help of a marital aid to bring you to clitoral orgasm.  (If you decide to give a marital aid a try, check out www.covenantspice.com and use the code “CONFIDENT” at checkout to save $5 on any $25 purchase, thanks to our friends at CovenantSpice.com!)

Also be aware that if your husband visually witnessed the birth of your children in the labor & delivery room, it could be a mental challenge for him to view your vagina as a sex organ once again, rather than as a reproductive organ. This might also be a topic of conversation that needs to be addressed in order for him to view your body as he once did – as an object of his sexual desires. Gently remind him of your sexual desires FOR HIM, and applaud him for all that he DOES do in order to fulfill your sexual needs. Remind him that you want to be respected as the mother of his children secondarily, but primarily loved as his wife and sexual partner.

Ladies, can you sympathize with Amelia, wishing your husband were more interested in providing oral pleasures? If you’ve successfully INSPIRED your husband to meet those needs for you (rather than REQUIRING it of him), how have you been able to do that?

Gentlemen, what are the mental hurdles you face when it comes to oral sex, and how have you overcome them to become the lover your wife longs for? What kind of advice can you offer?

Wishing you all the pleasure you both desire from your marriage bed,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

www.shannonethridge.com

www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com