Comments on: Female Frigidity: Yet Another Sticky Subject

By: Kelli

Kelli — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:59:51 +0000

This is an issue that I am going through slightly with my husband. I love my husband very much we have only been married for a year. I have had two bad sexual experiences in late teens to early 20’s. My husband is very affectionate and loving. Before we were married he stated that he was used to having sex every night prior to me. He advised me to watch porn to better understand sex and what to do and how to do it. I watch a little but I can’t compete. I have been told that he would want a divorce. This is my first marriage and his second. I am the most lousiest lover. I try but I’m no good in bed.
I actually visited a website prior to this one called the marriage bed and I read something on Sexual Responsibility ( Ist Corinthians chapter 7.) It does state that it is our responsibility as husbands and wives to fulfill our spouses needs. They aren’t expecting us to be like the hunks and models on the porn channels, all they want is to be loved, emotionally and sexually. It’s not always about sex, it’s about making someone feel wanted and love. It’s not about just having your way, reach your climax and rool over and that’s it. It’s about loving that person, and not denying them that right.
However, I do feel like no spouse should threaten divorce.It shouldn’t be that quick to fall out of love for the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with. God’s Vows. When we get married , we do not forsee what problems we will face, so we must pray fervently daily, together as husbands and wives to overcome whatever issues may arise, including sex.
Right now I am getting better and intimacy with my husband, It still takes time, but it is hard to feel 100% sexually ready when your spouse threatens you with divorce. It really hurts.
I wish the best for you Mike and your wife. Please be patient with your wife, pray daily, and know that she really loves you and cares for you deeply.
I hope I helped a little. I;m going through alot here myself, but I feel as though we all are here in this world to help one another.
God Bless

By: Kelly

Kelly — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:26:14 +0000

You wouldn’t believe me now, but I used to be like this woman. I also used to be on birth control which sucked the life out of my sex drive and my personality. Women on birth control tend to report lower libidos than those not on birth control. It literally makes it more difficult for testosterone to flow through your blood stream. It can have different effects for different women, but for me, I hated sex. I found no joy in it and it became a chore, just like the women in the story is described as. I was on birth control my entire marriage so I had no idea how to gauge if it had an effect. After nearly two years, I said “I’m not living the rest of my life hating sex.” I went off the birth control in October and by January I had a “normal” sex drive and was beginning to enjoy it. By March, I had a killer sex drive and felt sexually confident and sexy. I got my personality back too! If I could, I’d have sex everyday. I am angry that no one told me these terrible side effects of birth control. It doesn’t matter which kind it is, they all have a similiar effect.

If you use birth control, get off it and see if it changes your sex drive. I will never go on it again.

By: Bill

Bill — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:29:12 +0000

Dear Mike,
I lived what you are living plus 15 years. I won’t say identical but close enough for me to speak from some experience.
This is a little long and I admit not well written, but please bear with me.
Let’s review what you have told us:
19 years and counting.
Got angry when you gave her the book.
Never got you the book on how to be happy thereby avoiding having to read the other book.
Describes self unapologetically as frigid.
Will not see counselor.
Made an agreement to have sex then sabotaged it with “let’s go ahead and do it.”
Got angry with you for admiring her naked body.
Actively avoids any possibility of sex.

First let me tell you something I acquired at great cost. Do not be angry with your wife. Her behavior most likely comes from a very deep pain in her past she may no longer even be aware of. Her behavior is not on purpose and she really cannot be blamed because she is merely reacting as her life experience has taught her and seems perfectly normal to her. Jesus himself could not convince her otherwise. Forgiveness, compassion and tough love are the only emotions that will help and even then your chances are slim.
OK, maybe I exaggerated with the Jesus comment. The bottom line according to my experience is that the right counselor might be able to get through to her under the right circumstances, but only if she has an incentive to listen. Look around in your life and see if there is an incentive or leverage if you will, that you can take advantage of. Religion, appearances, money, education, opinion of the children, etc. I know this will seem terrible to many of the people reading this but that is just too bad. Mike must be as ruthless with this as his wife is in avoiding sex. Also, keep in mind that Mike is going to have work to do, this isn’t all about Mike’s wife.
Whatever you do don’t wait. My wife promised not to divorce me, said she did not believe in it. Of course I was helping put her through nursing school at the time. She promised we would see about counseling after she graduated if I would please not bug her about it. What she did was move out and file for divorce as soon as she was licensed as a nurse. The story is more complicated than that and she has her own perspective, which is just as valid as mine, but that is why counseling is the only possible solution.
Just in case you are wondering, yes we did go to counseling but it was between 1998 and 2000 and at her request. Good Christian preacher and his wife, who were chosen by my wife. He and I are still good friends if that tells you anything. After 2 years of counseling and finding out she was part of the problem these two wonderful Christian people became the targets of her criticism and to my knowledge she has badmouthed them ever since. She cut me off sexually 100% in June of 2000 and waited until she graduated from nursing school in 2006 to file for divorce. Yes you read that correctly. My sex life went from bad to non-existent but I kept trying (poorly, but trying none the less) for 6 years based on my faith in her and her promises. Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing.
To Mike’s wife I would say please make a commitment to counseling for at least a year. Be open to the idea that you might have a problem. And remember this is not about you being wrong and Mike being right. This is about constructively fixing the problems in your relationship, which means Mike must change as well. If you do not do this you will simply carry the problems forward into your next relationship and yes you will have another relationship.
On a side note, inspire as opposed to require just changes the terms of the bribe but does not change the substance. Trying to inspire will only delay the inevitable or as one of my counselors said; “you cannot be rational with an inherently irrational system.” Not to say inspiring is not a good idea. It just does not apply in your case. Your wife is like a man with a missing leg. All the inspiration in the world will not make him walk.

By: Amber

Amber — Wed, 20 May 2009 01:51:22 +0000

This is a topic that generally stays behind closed doors, so thank you for the husband who was bold enough to share his struggles and frustrations.

A life changing book to read is

Love and Respect – Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

(Its so practical for both husbands and wives – I only read it, but my Husband can now testify to how much more love/respect is in our marriage on both sides because of small steps I applied from this book)

Love and Respect goes into the ‘crazy cycle’ that a couple can get on, which is: If he doesn’t love me, I won’t respect him, and if she doesn’t respect me, I won’t love her.

In this book it addresses the need for a man’s deepest needs of respect, and goes into sexual desires and what this means to a man. It also talks about how as a wife you can meet these needs. At the same time, it is also a practical guide for husbands on how to reach the most intimate parts of a woman’s being – which is to truly love.

Shannon makes a great point, that its about reaching her desires and taking lead to make her deepest desires feel met. To inspire her.

Focus on the amazing woman that she is and that will become your inspiration for getting through this.

I encourage you to have a look at ‘Love and Respect’

By: Mara Lilia

Mara Lilia — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:27:06 +0000

As we know it’s very common for men to be more interested in sex than women, but when it brings a problem like fridity it’s time to start thinking and talking about it.
First of all, I think we can say every thing to every one, it’s not a matter of what you say, but a matter of how you say it, in this case I suggest the husband talk sincerily and kindly to the wife, expose his needs, say that he loves her beyond sex, but he wants a complete intimacy with her, if it is the case… Every woman would like to hear this.
second, it would be necessary to go with her to a doctor, the first thing when there is love, is to search for fisical problems, hormones and this kind of stuff…
Another thing is to inspire her as shannon has adviced the husband. Start doing what you would like her to do…
And.. I have to say: CONGRATULATIONS, it’s good to see how you are fighting for your marriage!

By: KB

KB — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:15:15 +0000

I have to say that since reading the book, my enthusiasm about using my knowledge lasted for about a week or two (FYI, it’s been atleast 3-4 months since I’ve read the book). Then I was tested on multiple sides and slipped back into what was happening before the book (ie. not choosing to be intimate because of what my husband did or didn’t do). But last night I believe that I had a break through.

At the end of Hot Tip#17 Shannon wrote
“Remember, sex is an act of worship toward the God who created male and female sexuality and called them both “very good!” Our sexual desires are a precious gift, designed to bring husbands and wives closer together, and closer to HIM in the process.”

When I read that in book “Sexually Confident Wife” I didn’t really believe that statement. I was hard for me to fathom that being intimate with my husband was bringing me closer to God. But last night what I experienced was amazing!

I was reading “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Martin so my mind was on praying for my husband and wanting to do be the kind of wife that pleases God. When it was time for bed instead of putting on a night gown I decided not to and snuggled with my husband. As I was laying there I thought about how much I loved God and how much I enjoy praying and seeking God. As I was doing that, I was drawn to be intimate with my husband. It was so amazing! I had never experienced that before, and when I read the Hot Tip this morning I realized that I had experienced exactly what Shannon was talking about.

I hope this experience helps someone.

By: julie

julie — Thu, 14 May 2009 03:28:48 +0000

i couldn’t agree with ” bygrace” more.. you are RIGHT ON POINT~ as we focus ourselves on Jesus it all seems to be ok

By: bygrace

bygrace — Thu, 14 May 2009 00:19:41 +0000

I say approach it as one should any fault, weakness, or undesirable quality found in his/her spouse: Prayer. One may think that without a healthy sex life, there is no hope for the marriage, but we can do ALL THINGS through Christ. I’m not dismissing the fact that there’s a problem here -that needs a good “what to do when” kind of answer, I’m just introducing to the mix the only TRUE ONE who knows the answer -One Who also knows how to maintain peace while waiting for the solution. Do either of you engage in an active relationship with God through Christ? If not, I’d say that that needs to be addressed first. If you do, continue to find strength in Him, as you wait for the wisdom He gives you regarding how to address the situation. I’ve tried numerous times to change my husband…. it’s only when I say “okay, God, even if he never changes, I can go on living victoriously in YOU!”….it’s usually when I finally form that attitude that He begins to show us deliverance in the area of our marriage.

By: Stuart

Stuart — Tue, 12 May 2009 23:26:45 +0000

I lived the dream. Overcoming frigidity goes waaaaaayyyyy deeper than simply making your wife (or spouse) feel sexy, etc. They don’t want it. there is no problem.

As far as I am concerned, and based on my observation of many spouses who are like this, Mike really has to be able to get past this for his own sake. Maybe something good will happen but if she doesn’t want to do something to get past this, it isn’t likely. Any spouse’s sexual response is there own responsibility.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Tue, 12 May 2009 21:16:56 +0000

After 19 years don’t you think that Mike has tried loving his wife? sending her chocolates, flowers, notes cards, doing dishes, telling her he loves her…….

I think the fact that she is not wanting to go to counseling about it says A LOT! There is something more going on here than just Mike just not being loving enough.

“She disrobed in front of me for the first time in years, then fussed at me for wanting to get an eyeful.”

Several years guys, several years!!
She has some VERY wrong beliefs about sex and doesn’t understand how men were created. He wants an eyeful of his wife and there is nothing wrong with that.

After 19 years of going without a good majority of the time I would be getting frustrated too.

There is something much bigger going on here. I don’t think Mike loving his wife is going to make her hop into bed with him. He does need to love her because that is his job as a husband, but I really don’t think that is going to fix things.