Female Frigidity: Yet Another Sticky Subject
So far this month, we’ve been covering some pretty “sticky subjects” – whether teens should be given sex toys (as suggested on a recent Oprah show), and whether masturbation is morally wrong or perfectly normal. (Be sure to read Stanley Leffew’s great response on that blog – he’s an amazing writer with tremendous insight!)
In keeping with our “sticky subjects” theme, I thought it would be beneficial to toss this scenario out into cyberspace and get your feedback…
Mike E-mailed:
I bought your Sexually Confident Wife book for my wife. She got mad at me! She agreed to read if I would read a book on how to be happy! I said yes, sure. The book stayed in her night stand. I’ve taken it out and she hasn’t said anything about it being gone so I know she hasn’t read it and she hasn’t given me my happiness book. Any suggestions?
My initial answer:
So sorry your efforts to help your wife haven’t been received as you intended. My best suggestion is for you not to wait for HER to give YOU a book – get it yourself and show her you’re really interested in becoming the man she needs to help her reconnect with her sexual side. I’d encourage you to get a copy of Every Man’s Marriage: A Man’s Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman (available at www.fredstoeker.com). When she sees you learning how to meet her emotional needs and applying that knowledge, I pray she’ll be inspired to learn more about how to meet your sexual needs.
Mike’s initial response:
We have been married 19 years and sex has always been a struggle with her. She admits that she is FRIGID (her words) BUT will not read anything or see any counselors. What am I suppose to do? I told her that if she would have sex for a month anytime I wanted that I would be there for her emotionally like she wouldn’t believe. She agreed, but lasted about a week. We scheduled sex once, but she made me feel really great by saying, “If you want to have sex let’s go ahead and do it. I’ve got stuff I need to do.” She disrobed in front of me for the first time in years, then fussed at me for wanting to get an eyeful. Since that one time, she has always had something come up on our scheduled day. I really don’t know what else to do? I’m going to tell her that unless she does some of the things I’ve asked (counseling, books, discussion forums, etc.) that I will not stay married to her after the kids are out of school. I may ask her to move out of our bedroom too!
My secondary answer:
I can understand why you’d feel frustrated with her lack of sexual interest, but with all due respect, it sounds like you’re REQUIRING something from her that you can only INSPIRE in her. You say, “If you meet my sexual needs for a month, I’ll meet your emotional needs,” but that sounds more like a bribe than genuine intimacy. I’d suggest you get the book I recommended (Every Man’s Marriage) and work on meeting her emotional needs FIRST, not as bribery for sex, but because you’re the leader, because you love her and want her to feel safe, to feel sexy, to feel secure in the marriage relationship. No woman will ever want to be sexual with someone that she doesn’t feel safe and secure with, and for some reason (based on what you’ve shared) it sounds to me like she’s struggling with safety and security as much as with her sex drive. Gently and patiently exploring what may be causing those feelings in her (past sexual abuse, body image issues, etc.) may get you a lot farther than making further sexual demands that she’s not inspired to fulfill.
What’s YOUR answer?
I’d love to hear your response to the issue of “frigidity” or “mismatched sex drives,” especially since so many couples struggle in this area. Perhaps even your own marriage has fallen into this trap at times. If so, what did you do to get out of that rut and reconnect with each other? What kind of advice would you give to Mike? What kind of advice would you give to Mike’s wife?
As usual, we’d love to hear from BOTH men AND women!
Wishing you much inspiration in your marriage,
Shannon
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This article didn’t really seem to address female frigidity as much as it did the dynamics of a typical married relationship. Of course, a man has a responsibility to inspire his wife. There are a lot of circumstances where that is just not possible, due to root causes within the lower sex drive spouse.
I empathize with Mike, having been in a similar situation for about the same amount of time with similar response from my wife. After awhile, it seems that there is no amount of “inspiration” that will get past the wall put up around her. I have absolutely no advice. For us, it has come to us both establishing hills to die on.
I think this is a MUCH needed topic.. I know a lot of women in my family who are very rigid..its not that they don’t want love, i think they have just been let down SO many times that they have had to become independent and once they get to that point they have put up quite a few walls and it takes a lot to break the walls down.. BUT, I believe with the right man to truly love you and care about YOU,YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONCERNS that i believe the walls would fall and these women would find themselves to be very sexual.. it will take healing and total abandonment to Jesus- but i believe it is ABSOLUTELY possible!! Love you shannon..thanksfor posting.
I will be starting your woman at the well book with a good friend of mine in about a week.. we are excited to see what God reveals to us. I was an intern at Teen Mania and did some of the book then.. i am excited to really dive into it this time around 
I cannot even imagine what kind of childhood this woman must have had.
My thought would be for HIM to worry about changing HIM.
Perhaps woo her, in such a way as if he had just seen her for the first time. Send her love notes, help her make dinner, tell her how beautiful she is.
I did this with my husband and at first he was confused, even a little hostile (what is she up to?) but after awhile he softened and our relationship is better and better – that was 10 years ago.
I’ve recently read “Love Dare” that’s a good one – I read it recently.
Vicki
i am married to a wonderfully supportive man and great guy. the times we struggle with this type of issue tend to be when we have a baby…exhaustion has a tons to do with sex for me at least. i have come to realize that there are times i need to put my exhaustion aside for my husband and there are times he needs to understand and respect how i … Read Moream feeling. i really feel it is a give and take…figure out what makes your wife feel sexy and try to set the ton for that. clean the house give her that emotional stability. sometimes we as women need to get over ourselves and realize that sex is a ton different for men in their thinking…for women only was an eye opener for me in how guys think about sex…often a woman needs time and to feel loved in order to want to have sex…men view sex and love as the same. i think of that when i am thinking about turning down my husband…having sex for him is showing him that i love him and respect him and want to spend time with him.
I can sort of relate to the wife in this marriage. I do have issues with trust and feeling safe and secure. It boggles my mind that my husband still loves me and finds me beautiful after 11 years of marriage! I know I am so blessed to have a husband who is patient and loving with me in this area – I just wish I knew how to get past the fear of intimacy. I think deep down I am scared he will hurt me if I trust him completely. Which based on the amazing man he is, makes absolutely no sense! I do have issues of abandonment regarding my biological father, so I often wonder if it all stems from that.
All that to say that there is likely a whole lot more going on with Mike’s wife than he truly understands. Giving her an ultimatum is only going to reinforce those fears that she has.
At first when my husband told me he did not want to have sex with me, I beat myself up inside. I was in so much emotional pain and thought it was me. Then one day it hit me, God is all I need. Where my husband lacks, God has filled. God has done an amazing job filling this hole, that my husband could not.
I encourage Mike to pray for God to fill this hole. Also telling your wife your are going to leave her is adding fuel to the fire he is trying to fight. Why would any spouse what to have sex with someone who is going to divorce them?
I know Mike wants to have sex with his wife, but I think she may have some emotional problems. Depending on her relationship with Christ, I think she may benefit from Shannon’s book Completely His. If there are emotional problems, they need to get solved first.
Both Mike and his wife are at fault. The giving of sex ( from the wife ) and the giving of intimacy ( from Mike ) need to happen simultaneously, not after a month of sex! geez!
That said, I find it suspicious that the wife won’t go to counciling or even read a book to help. There may be more going on ( like, in an emotional sense ), but it doesn’t do their marriage any good to try and sweep the problems under the rug. Perhaps the wife was abused, or perhaps she was raised to supress all her sexuality so much that she can’t turn it back on ( I’ve seen it many times before ). But women do need to understand that men are generally, more sexual than them, and generally look at sex differently than women do. They need sex to give and recieve love.
Mike can do alot. if he stops expecting sex, and pressing for sex, and feeds her emotional needs, it is very likely that sex will naturally result, without Mike even mentioning sex. Is Mike ever affectionate with his wife, without it becoming sexual? Does Mike compliment her sincerely ( not just with the goal of sex )? Or is Mike checking out other women, making negeative comments about his wife’s looks etc. I’d love an update from Mike.
After 19 years don’t you think that Mike has tried loving his wife? sending her chocolates, flowers, notes cards, doing dishes, telling her he loves her…….
I think the fact that she is not wanting to go to counseling about it says A LOT! There is something more going on here than just Mike just not being loving enough.
“She disrobed in front of me for the first time in years, then fussed at me for wanting to get an eyeful.”
Several years guys, several years!!
She has some VERY wrong beliefs about sex and doesn’t understand how men were created. He wants an eyeful of his wife and there is nothing wrong with that.
After 19 years of going without a good majority of the time I would be getting frustrated too.
There is something much bigger going on here. I don’t think Mike loving his wife is going to make her hop into bed with him. He does need to love her because that is his job as a husband, but I really don’t think that is going to fix things.
I lived the dream. Overcoming frigidity goes waaaaaayyyyy deeper than simply making your wife (or spouse) feel sexy, etc. They don’t want it. there is no problem.
As far as I am concerned, and based on my observation of many spouses who are like this, Mike really has to be able to get past this for his own sake. Maybe something good will happen but if she doesn’t want to do something to get past this, it isn’t likely. Any spouse’s sexual response is there own responsibility.
I say approach it as one should any fault, weakness, or undesirable quality found in his/her spouse: Prayer. One may think that without a healthy sex life, there is no hope for the marriage, but we can do ALL THINGS through Christ. I’m not dismissing the fact that there’s a problem here -that needs a good “what to do when” kind of answer, I’m just introducing to the mix the only TRUE ONE who knows the answer -One Who also knows how to maintain peace while waiting for the solution. Do either of you engage in an active relationship with God through Christ? If not, I’d say that that needs to be addressed first. If you do, continue to find strength in Him, as you wait for the wisdom He gives you regarding how to address the situation. I’ve tried numerous times to change my husband…. it’s only when I say “okay, God, even if he never changes, I can go on living victoriously in YOU!”….it’s usually when I finally form that attitude that He begins to show us deliverance in the area of our marriage.
i couldn’t agree with ” bygrace” more.. you are RIGHT ON POINT~ as we focus ourselves on Jesus it all seems to be ok
I have to say that since reading the book, my enthusiasm about using my knowledge lasted for about a week or two (FYI, it’s been atleast 3-4 months since I’ve read the book). Then I was tested on multiple sides and slipped back into what was happening before the book (ie. not choosing to be intimate because of what my husband did or didn’t do). But last night I believe that I had a break through.
At the end of Hot Tip#17 Shannon wrote
“Remember, sex is an act of worship toward the God who created male and female sexuality and called them both “very good!” Our sexual desires are a precious gift, designed to bring husbands and wives closer together, and closer to HIM in the process.”
When I read that in book “Sexually Confident Wife” I didn’t really believe that statement. I was hard for me to fathom that being intimate with my husband was bringing me closer to God. But last night what I experienced was amazing!
I was reading “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Martin so my mind was on praying for my husband and wanting to do be the kind of wife that pleases God. When it was time for bed instead of putting on a night gown I decided not to and snuggled with my husband. As I was laying there I thought about how much I loved God and how much I enjoy praying and seeking God. As I was doing that, I was drawn to be intimate with my husband. It was so amazing! I had never experienced that before, and when I read the Hot Tip this morning I realized that I had experienced exactly what Shannon was talking about.
I hope this experience helps someone.
As we know it’s very common for men to be more interested in sex than women, but when it brings a problem like fridity it’s time to start thinking and talking about it.
First of all, I think we can say every thing to every one, it’s not a matter of what you say, but a matter of how you say it, in this case I suggest the husband talk sincerily and kindly to the wife, expose his needs, say that he loves her beyond sex, but he wants a complete intimacy with her, if it is the case… Every woman would like to hear this.
second, it would be necessary to go with her to a doctor, the first thing when there is love, is to search for fisical problems, hormones and this kind of stuff…
Another thing is to inspire her as shannon has adviced the husband. Start doing what you would like her to do…
And.. I have to say: CONGRATULATIONS, it’s good to see how you are fighting for your marriage!
This is a topic that generally stays behind closed doors, so thank you for the husband who was bold enough to share his struggles and frustrations.
A life changing book to read is
Love and Respect – Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
(Its so practical for both husbands and wives – I only read it, but my Husband can now testify to how much more love/respect is in our marriage on both sides because of small steps I applied from this book)
Love and Respect goes into the ‘crazy cycle’ that a couple can get on, which is: If he doesn’t love me, I won’t respect him, and if she doesn’t respect me, I won’t love her.
In this book it addresses the need for a man’s deepest needs of respect, and goes into sexual desires and what this means to a man. It also talks about how as a wife you can meet these needs. At the same time, it is also a practical guide for husbands on how to reach the most intimate parts of a woman’s being – which is to truly love.
Shannon makes a great point, that its about reaching her desires and taking lead to make her deepest desires feel met. To inspire her.
Focus on the amazing woman that she is and that will become your inspiration for getting through this.
I encourage you to have a look at ‘Love and Respect’
Dear Mike,
I lived what you are living plus 15 years. I won’t say identical but close enough for me to speak from some experience.
This is a little long and I admit not well written, but please bear with me.
Let’s review what you have told us:
19 years and counting.
Got angry when you gave her the book.
Never got you the book on how to be happy thereby avoiding having to read the other book.
Describes self unapologetically as frigid.
Will not see counselor.
Made an agreement to have sex then sabotaged it with “let’s go ahead and do it.”
Got angry with you for admiring her naked body.
Actively avoids any possibility of sex.
First let me tell you something I acquired at great cost. Do not be angry with your wife. Her behavior most likely comes from a very deep pain in her past she may no longer even be aware of. Her behavior is not on purpose and she really cannot be blamed because she is merely reacting as her life experience has taught her and seems perfectly normal to her. Jesus himself could not convince her otherwise. Forgiveness, compassion and tough love are the only emotions that will help and even then your chances are slim.
OK, maybe I exaggerated with the Jesus comment. The bottom line according to my experience is that the right counselor might be able to get through to her under the right circumstances, but only if she has an incentive to listen. Look around in your life and see if there is an incentive or leverage if you will, that you can take advantage of. Religion, appearances, money, education, opinion of the children, etc. I know this will seem terrible to many of the people reading this but that is just too bad. Mike must be as ruthless with this as his wife is in avoiding sex. Also, keep in mind that Mike is going to have work to do, this isn’t all about Mike’s wife.
Whatever you do don’t wait. My wife promised not to divorce me, said she did not believe in it. Of course I was helping put her through nursing school at the time. She promised we would see about counseling after she graduated if I would please not bug her about it. What she did was move out and file for divorce as soon as she was licensed as a nurse. The story is more complicated than that and she has her own perspective, which is just as valid as mine, but that is why counseling is the only possible solution.
Just in case you are wondering, yes we did go to counseling but it was between 1998 and 2000 and at her request. Good Christian preacher and his wife, who were chosen by my wife. He and I are still good friends if that tells you anything. After 2 years of counseling and finding out she was part of the problem these two wonderful Christian people became the targets of her criticism and to my knowledge she has badmouthed them ever since. She cut me off sexually 100% in June of 2000 and waited until she graduated from nursing school in 2006 to file for divorce. Yes you read that correctly. My sex life went from bad to non-existent but I kept trying (poorly, but trying none the less) for 6 years based on my faith in her and her promises. Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing.
To Mike’s wife I would say please make a commitment to counseling for at least a year. Be open to the idea that you might have a problem. And remember this is not about you being wrong and Mike being right. This is about constructively fixing the problems in your relationship, which means Mike must change as well. If you do not do this you will simply carry the problems forward into your next relationship and yes you will have another relationship.
On a side note, inspire as opposed to require just changes the terms of the bribe but does not change the substance. Trying to inspire will only delay the inevitable or as one of my counselors said; “you cannot be rational with an inherently irrational system.” Not to say inspiring is not a good idea. It just does not apply in your case. Your wife is like a man with a missing leg. All the inspiration in the world will not make him walk.
You wouldn’t believe me now, but I used to be like this woman. I also used to be on birth control which sucked the life out of my sex drive and my personality. Women on birth control tend to report lower libidos than those not on birth control. It literally makes it more difficult for testosterone to flow through your blood stream. It can have different effects for different women, but for me, I hated sex. I found no joy in it and it became a chore, just like the women in the story is described as. I was on birth control my entire marriage so I had no idea how to gauge if it had an effect. After nearly two years, I said “I’m not living the rest of my life hating sex.” I went off the birth control in October and by January I had a “normal” sex drive and was beginning to enjoy it. By March, I had a killer sex drive and felt sexually confident and sexy. I got my personality back too! If I could, I’d have sex everyday. I am angry that no one told me these terrible side effects of birth control. It doesn’t matter which kind it is, they all have a similiar effect.
If you use birth control, get off it and see if it changes your sex drive. I will never go on it again.
This is an issue that I am going through slightly with my husband. I love my husband very much we have only been married for a year. I have had two bad sexual experiences in late teens to early 20’s. My husband is very affectionate and loving. Before we were married he stated that he was used to having sex every night prior to me. He advised me to watch porn to better understand sex and what to do and how to do it. I watch a little but I can’t compete. I have been told that he would want a divorce. This is my first marriage and his second. I am the most lousiest lover. I try but I’m no good in bed.
I actually visited a website prior to this one called the marriage bed and I read something on Sexual Responsibility ( Ist Corinthians chapter 7.) It does state that it is our responsibility as husbands and wives to fulfill our spouses needs. They aren’t expecting us to be like the hunks and models on the porn channels, all they want is to be loved, emotionally and sexually. It’s not always about sex, it’s about making someone feel wanted and love. It’s not about just having your way, reach your climax and rool over and that’s it. It’s about loving that person, and not denying them that right.
However, I do feel like no spouse should threaten divorce.It shouldn’t be that quick to fall out of love for the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with. God’s Vows. When we get married , we do not forsee what problems we will face, so we must pray fervently daily, together as husbands and wives to overcome whatever issues may arise, including sex.
Right now I am getting better and intimacy with my husband, It still takes time, but it is hard to feel 100% sexually ready when your spouse threatens you with divorce. It really hurts.
I wish the best for you Mike and your wife. Please be patient with your wife, pray daily, and know that she really loves you and cares for you deeply.
I hope I helped a little. I;m going through alot here myself, but I feel as though we all are here in this world to help one another.
God Bless