Shannon’s SCW Blog

I love how the email responses from each blog bring up yet another topic that needs to be blogged about! Last week we asked the question, “Is Oral Sex a One-Way Street at Your House?” exploring the issue of what if you want to be the recipient of oral sex, yet your husband isn’t game for whatever reason?

In response, many have asked, “What if I am the one who is uncomfortable providing oral sex?” So let’s talk about that for a moment…

First, remember the old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” In other words, do either one of you feel as if there is something lacking? Believe it or not, some men don’t care for oral sex, even on the receiving end. If that’s your husband’s stance, then you don’t need to worry about developing such a skill.

But if your husband DOES feel there is something lacking, perhaps you’re motivated to get over whatever hurdle is holding you back. Consider some of these common hurdles:

· If it’s a spiritual issue, like I said in the previous blog, there is nothing in any holy text (the Bible, Koran, etc.) that forbids or even discourages oral pleasures in marriage. This is entirely a matter of personal conscience, so don’t worry that God would be displeased if a husband and wife engage in oral stimulation. Then again, if you simply feel uncomfortable with the activity, God’s not displeased with you either. This is entirely your own personal call. You get to decide how much freedom you’re comfortable with in your own marriage bed.

· If it’s a physical hurdle, is it because of hygiene issues? If so, start out your lovemaking with a shower, and wash his genital area thoroughly so that you’re not worried about germs. If it’s simply the idea of putting your mouth on your husband’s penis, know that there’s not much difference between orally stimulating that particular body part and sucking your thumb, so you might not want to knock it until you try it.  While there may be a tiny trace of some fluid (pre-ejaculate, which is relatively tasteless) that he can’t control, he can control the emission of semen. If you don’t want semen in your mouth, that’s understandable! Simply stimulate him orally, and when he gives you the sign that he’s about to blow (pardon the pun), you can back off with a sense of satisfaction.

· If it’s a mental or emotional hurdle, could it be because you’ve been forced to perform such an activity at a time when you were unwilling or unable to get yourself out of that situation? Do you associate oral sex with being sexually abused somehow? If so, I encourage you to seek the help of a counselor (go to www.shannonethridge.com/counseling for help). It is certainly possible to disassociate one activity from another and even find something pleasurable that you used to find painful. A key thing to remember is that your husband is not your abuser. He’s your lover, so it’s very possible to develop enough trust to share such incredibly intimate moments together without fear of pain or degradation.

Also, you might want to remind your husband that due to the difference between the length of his penis and the depth of your mouth, YOU need to be in complete control of this activity. He can coach you with his words about what he finds pleasurable, but no forced “deep throat” action allowed! No girl wants to have her tonsils traumatized like that!

Communication is key. Talk openly with one another about why you may (or may not) want to experiment with oral sex in your marriage. Be open to exploring new things, embracing those you both enjoy, and hitting the eject button on those you don’t.

Wishing you sweet satisfaction in the marriage bed,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

www.shannonethridge.com

www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com

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So far this month, we’ve been covering some pretty “sticky subjects” – whether teens should be given sex toys (as suggested on a recent Oprah show), and whether masturbation is morally wrong or perfectly normal. (Be sure to read Stanley Leffew’s great response on that blog – he’s an amazing writer with tremendous insight!)

In keeping with our “sticky subjects” theme, I thought it would be beneficial to toss this scenario out into cyberspace and get your feedback…

Mike E-mailed:

I bought your Sexually Confident Wife book for my wife. She got mad at me! She agreed to read if I would read a book on how to be happy!  I said yes, sure. The book stayed in her night stand. I’ve taken it out and she hasn’t said anything about it being gone so I know she hasn’t read it and she hasn’t given me my happiness book. Any suggestions?

My initial answer:

So sorry your efforts to help your wife haven’t been received as you intended.  My best suggestion is for you not to wait for HER to give YOU a book – get it yourself and show her you’re really interested in becoming the man she needs to help her reconnect with her sexual side. I’d encourage you to get a copy of Every Man’s Marriage: A Man’s Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman (available at www.fredstoeker.com).  When she sees you learning how to meet her emotional needs and applying that knowledge, I pray she’ll be inspired to learn more about how to meet your sexual needs.

Mike’s initial response:

We have been married 19 years and sex has always been a struggle with her. She admits that she is FRIGID (her words) BUT will not read anything or see any counselors. What am I suppose to do?  I told her that if she would have sex for a month anytime I wanted that I would be there for her emotionally like she wouldn’t believe. She agreed, but lasted about a week. We scheduled sex once, but she made me feel really great by saying, “If you want to have sex let’s go ahead and do it. I’ve got stuff I need to do.” She disrobed in front of me for the first time in years, then fussed at me for wanting to get an eyeful. Since that one time, she has always had something come up on our scheduled day. I really don’t know what else to do? I’m going to tell her that unless she does some of the things I’ve asked (counseling, books, discussion forums, etc.) that I will not stay married to her after the kids are out of school. I may ask her to move out of our bedroom too!

My secondary answer:

I can understand why you’d feel frustrated with her lack of sexual interest, but with all due respect, it sounds like you’re REQUIRING something from her that you can only INSPIRE in her.  You say, “If you meet my sexual needs for a month, I’ll meet your emotional needs,” but that sounds more like a bribe than genuine intimacy.  I’d suggest you get the book I recommended (Every Man’s Marriage) and work on meeting her emotional needs FIRST, not as bribery for sex, but because you’re the leader, because you love her and want her to feel safe, to feel sexy, to feel secure in the marriage relationship.  No woman will ever want to be sexual with someone that she doesn’t feel safe and secure with, and for some reason (based on what you’ve shared) it sounds to me like she’s struggling with safety and security as much as with her sex drive. Gently and patiently exploring what may be causing those feelings in her (past sexual abuse, body image issues, etc.) may get you a lot farther than making further sexual demands that she’s not inspired to fulfill.

What’s YOUR answer?

I’d love to hear your response to the issue of “frigidity” or “mismatched sex drives,” especially since so many couples struggle in this area. Perhaps even your own marriage has fallen into this trap at times. If so, what did you do to get out of that rut and reconnect with each other? What kind of advice would you give to Mike? What kind of advice would you give to Mike’s wife?

As usual, we’d love to hear from BOTH men AND women!

Wishing you much inspiration in your marriage,

Shannon

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I had no idea when I created last week’s blog about “Teens & Sex Toys: A Sticky Subject” that such a debate would be sparked! We’ve been both overwhelmed and entertained by the number of responses we received via the blog, facebook, and our web community. Thanks to all of you (on BOTH sides of the issue) who shared some great thoughts and words of wisdom!

But the debate seems to have evolved. At first the issue was whether or not parents should participate in Dr. Laura Berman’s “Toys for Tots” program (sorry, but I couldn’t resist cracking that joke), providing vibrators to their teenage daughters to keep them from becoming sexually active with boys. But now folks seem to be fussing more about the act of masturbation itself – is it morally wrong, or perfectly normal?

My answer to that question? Not everything is one way or the other – right or wrong, black or white, good or bad. Varying shades of gray do exist, and fortunately God has given us the intellect to think these things through and come to responsible conclusions about what we feel would be right or wrong for each of us as individuals (also known as “personal conviction”).

So let’s look at the issue of masturbation through BOTH lenses for a moment…

If I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is perfectly OKAY, I could press the following points:

• Scripture doesn’t mention the issue of masturbation at all, so God must not have too much of an issue with it or else surely He’d have mentioned it.
• Sure, the Bible warns against sexual immorality, adultery, lusting after someone else’s spouse, putting vile things before our eyes, etc. but one could make the case that masturbation could physically be accomplished apart from all of those things. (In case you are wondering, the story of “Onan” had nothing to do with masturbation, but the sin of shirking family responsibilities by spilling his seed on the ground instead of impregnating his wife).
• I could insist that God created us as sexual beings, and surely expects us to have these desires fulfilled when they arise or else He wouldn’t have “wired” us this way.
• I could point to how common of an issue this is among human beings (quoting studies that say something like 96% of people masturbate, and the other 4% are lying about it) and accuse society of simply trying to suppress our sexuality by discouraging masturbation.

But if I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is NOT OKAY, I could press these points:

• It’s impossible for a single person to masturbate without entertaining sexual fantasies about someone they aren’t married to, and that is clearly discouraged in Scripture (see Matthew 5).
• Masturbating rather than exercising self-control is like throwing gasoline on your own sexual fire – you’re only going to want more, and more, and go to greater and greater lengths to satisfy your sexual cravings when you’ve not learned to exercise self-control and delay sexual gratification.
• I could say that a married person is robbing their spouse of sexual and relational fulfillment when, rather than reaching out to share that pleasure, they “take matters into their own hands” instead.
• I could quote from a plethora of emails I receive from women who feel so deeply betrayed by husbands who would rather have sex by themselves than invest the time and energy required to connect with her.

I don’t think anyone could argue with any of these points – they are ALL valid! So if Scripture doesn’t spell it out, and a solid case can be made for both sides of the issue, how are we supposed to know? That’s where prayer comes in. Instead of consulting a black-and-white rule book or following a prescribed formula, perhaps we need to simply spend time with God and ask Him directly about our unique situations. I assure you, He’s interested in helping us figure out what’s best, because He wants the best for us.

For example, one woman emailed recently saying that her husband had been deployed overseas for several months, and it would be several more before he’d be coming home. She explained, “He told me he would completely understand if I felt the need to satisfy myself while he was gone, and as I’ve prayed about it, I don’t feel that God would be displeased with me at all, especially if I’m only thinking of my husband during the act.” Perhaps someone else would feel justified throwing a stone at this woman, but I wouldn’t. Two weeks apart would have me climbing walls. I can’t imagine two years of complete abstinence.

So masturbation is okay for all married people as long as they only think of their spouse? I wouldn’t go that far. Personally, we’ve chosen for many years to have a “no masturbation” rule in our marriage. If one is feeling frisky, the ideal scenario is for them to reach out and “share the love” rather than being selfish with it. Have we ever broken the rule? Sure. But we confess, ask forgiveness, and reconnect with the real purpose of our sexual desires – to bring us closer to each other, and ultimately closer to God as we submit to His perfect plan of husbands and wives freely sharing their minds, bodies, hearts, and souls with one another – all without guilt, shame, or inhibition. Instead of individual intensity, we strive for genuine intimacy, or IN-TO-ME-SEE, because that’s far more fulfilling than just physical pleasure alone.

But what about for teens & singles? I do believe there’s a lot to be said for saving your sexual energies for your spouse someday. I know, that’s easy for a married woman who can have sex anytime she wants to say. But here’s my reasoning: You train your body as to what it finds pleasurable. If you walk into a marriage so addicted to masturbation that you would rather withdraw privately for your sexual satisfaction than share that passion and pleasure with your spouse, there’s something wrong with that picture.

So then we get into the issue of “addiction.” When is masturbation an “addiction,” and when is it a normal biological drive? After years of counseling teens & singles, I’ll let you in on my elaborate scientific method for determining the difference. I look at the answer to one question: How long can you go without giving in to your masturbatory desires? If someone tells me they go for weeks or months before “caving in,” I don’t get too worried. They obviously have the thought/desire more often than that, but they are usually able to exercise self-control. An occasional slip up simply means they are human. The vast majority of the time, they rule over their sexual desires, not vice-versa. However, if they tell me they masturbate often with little self-control (several times a week, or even several times a day), I get concerned. The habits we create as a single person follow us right on into marriage. Putting a wedding band on our finger doesn’t change anything about us except our last name. A masturbation addiction has the potential to negatively affect, and even destroy, an otherwise healthy marriage. The reality is that most spouses would feel personally rejected if we were to repeatedly choose masturbation over marital intimacy.

While a blog like this can create a firestorm of controversy, I hope we can operate on the law of love here and continue discussing these “sticky subjects” without throwing any stones. What is YOUR personal conviction about the issue? What nuggets of wisdom do you think people should consider when making the decision about whether to engage in or refrain from a lifestyle of masturbation?

Wishing you sexual wisdom and confidence,

Shannon

P.S. You might also want to check out these video clips from my friend Dr. Doug Rosenau, author of the book Celebration of Sex:

Question about masturbation for singles:

http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/850

Question about masturbation for couples:

http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/842

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