Shannon Ethridge's Blog

Many readers have emailed lately asking what I thought of the recent Oprah episode where Dr. Laura Berman discussed what all we should be telling our pre-teen and teenage daughters about sex.  I thought I’d go ahead and blog about it, because I’d love to hear your feedback too.

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Berman that we need to open up lines of communication with our children by giving them permission to ask anything, telling the truth about where babies come from, preparing them for the temptations that lay ahead for every human being, etc.  But when the suggestion was made that moms purchase a clitoral vibrator for their 15-17 year old daughters, I almost choked on my chocolate.  If you saw it, you probably did a double-take and rewinded the TiVo tape to make sure you heard it right, too.  If you didn’t see the show, allow me to explain Dr. Berman’s reasoning for such a recommendation.  She says that when a hairy-legged boy is kissing on your daughter and awakening all of these sexual urges in her, she will most likely think, “THIS BOY is what makes me feel this way, so I must allow THIS BOY to take me where my body longs to go.”  But that if our daughters are equipped with the “tools” they need to bring themselves to orgasm, it will be easier for her to walk away from that boy with the confidence that she doesn’t need him to satisfy her because she can take matters into her own hands (pardon the pun).

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that for a teenage girl to give in to sexual activity with a teenage boy could do far more damage than good.  That’s a no-brainer.  But is sending her the message that “whenever you get sexually aroused you HAVE to do something about it, so here’s a vibrator” really the best way to help her exercise self-control?  I don’t think so.  While occasional masturbatory experiences are a normal part of growth & development, I think encouraging frequent self-gratification is really just throwing gasoline on a fire.  The more someone fuels their own sexual desires (especially at this immature age), the more I believe they’ll be tempted to take things to the next level, and the next, which will ultimately include involving the sexual partner that you were trying to discourage her involvement with in the first place.

While it may shock you, I invited my 17-year old daughter to watch that Oprah episode with me so we could discuss the controversial parts openly.  I’ve discussed every other sexual topic under the sun with her at various stages in her development.  She has attended dozens of my BEST SEX Youth Conferences, helped me edit Every Young Woman’s Battle, helped me write Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle, so taking our intimate discussions to the next level seemed natural (especially now that she’s dating one of those hairy-legged boys).  I was delighted to learn that she felt the same way I did.  We talked about how vibrators should be “marital aids” for couples who mutually agree on their use, not “masturbation aids” for single teens.  Think about it… if a young woman walks into marriage already addicted to using a vibrator to achieve orgasm, how is that going to make her husband feel?  What if he has a problem with it?  Shouldn’t he be involved in the decision about whether to include something like this in the marriage bed, since it involves him too?  While there’s certainly nothing in the Bible that leads me to believe that the use of vibrators is sinful, it IS a matter of personal conscience, and while some couples are perfectly comfortable with them, others are not, and we need to respect one another’s comfort zones in marriage.  After all, sexual intimacy isn’t just about achieving pleasure for ourselves.  It’s about providing pleasure to your spouse, and operating within your spouse’s comfort zone is key to creating the safety and relational security that is vital in a healthy marriage.

Oprah’s friend, Gayle King, responded to Dr. Berman’s suggestion with the comment, “Oh, no!  Too much information!”  Oprah replied, “But teenage girls already HAVE this information!”  Granted, most older teenage girls have heard about vibrators.  So perhaps we should be talking with them and answering their questions.  But I don’t think we should be recommending them, or providing them.  I think we need to encourage self-control, and coach them on how to delay that gratification until they can enjoy it freely, without shame or inhibition, with their husbands someday.

A mom in the audience said that she was listening to Dr. Berman’s suggestion and considering how to apply it to the raising of her teenage son.  “I’m thinking that purchasing a vibrator for a daughter would be the equivalent of purchasing pornography for my son, and I can’t fathom that this would be the right thing to me to do to raise a sexually healthy son.”  I agree wholeheartedly.  Our kids have a hard enough time resisting sexual temptation without unnecessary introductions to pornography and marital aids.  Let’s not make their battle harder than it needs to be.  Teens need to be taught self-control, not self-gratification.  Frequent self-gratification will most likely turn them into “selfish lovers,” and our future sons-in-law and daughters-in-law deserve better.

So there you have it — my response to that particular Oprah episode.  Sticky subject, I know.  And I don’t expect that we will all agree on every nuance of this still-taboo topic, and that’s okay.  Everyone’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint.  But my hope is that we can respectfully discuss our own opinions and convictions with the goal of encouraging each other in how to raise sexually healthy daughters.

P.S.  It’s still not too late to register yourself and/or your 6th – 12th grade child for the upcoming May 2nd BEST SEX Youth Conference at Lindale High School (90 minutes east of Dallas, 90 minutes west of Shreveport, 15 minutes north of Tyler).  Just go to www.shannonethridge.com to register, or email your questions about the conference (where we’ll be teaching young people how to have the BEST SEX… by waiting until marriage!) to me personally at shannon@shannonethridge.com.  There’s also a parent session on Thursday Night, April 30th, at Fellowship of Prairie Creek Church in Lindale.  I’d love to meet you there!

We’ve been seeing more of Bristol Palin in the media lately now that she’s had her baby, and I hope parents realize what incredibly valuable “teachable moments” Bristol ushers onto our doorsteps.  Let’s not ignore them.   I asked my own 17-year old daughter, Erin, “What do you think of Bristol’s situation?” She admitted, “Babies are great, but there’s no way I’m ready for one. I want to finish college first, and be married, and be financially stable.” Me too, Erin. Me too.

I think that’s what every caring parent wants for their kids, and in this sex-saturated world, it’s more important than ever to instill sexual values and a healthy confidence in our children, especially our daughters. So, don’t sweep the headline news under the rug and hope your kids haven’t noticed how popular teen pregnancy & premarital sex have become. They’ve noticed – the media has made it impossible not to. Let’s thank Bristol for the precious gift of a powerful teachable moment, wish her the best, and focus on preparing our own children to avoid making similar mistakes.

Healthy sexuality education isn’t a one-time plumbing lesson or an awkward “talk” you force on them before they go out on their first date. It’s ongoing character education. And we as parents are endowed with the responsibility of instilling sexual values in our daughters at each stage of their developmental years, teaching them that female sexuality isn’t an embarrassing taboo but an enriching treasure that can – and should – be addressed openly.

Perhaps you’re wondering, What would sexual confidence look like in a child? They’re not even sexually active! A young female doesn’t have to be sexually active to develop all of the characteristics of a sexually confident woman. To paint a picture of what this looks like, let’s look at seven ways we can instill a healthy sexual confidence in our daughters throughout their developmental years.

1. Confidence in Her Sexual Vocabulary (ages 2+)

From the earliest stages of development, children need to have words with which they can communicate their sexual questions. Parents often use terms like “wee-wee” or “privates,” but why? Children will only have to unlearn those terms and learn the proper names later on. Besides, using baby terms instills a sense that there’s something inappropriate about talking about our genitals, as if they are dirty or nasty, and they’re not. Giving her a proper sexual vocabulary at this early age will give her the confidence to communicate with you when questions arise.

2. Confidence in Her Sexual Boundaries (ages 4+)

Your daughter must be aware of her right to say no to anything another person may try to get her to do – not just with strangers, but with any person at all. Teach her that no one should be allowed to touch her anywhere that a modest bathing suit would cover, nor should she be required to touch anyone, and that if someone suggests she do anything like this, she must let you know so that you can protect help her protect herself.

3. Confidence in Her Sexual Curiosity (ages 6+)

By the time our children start school, they hear all kinds of wild stories about sexual matters. Tell your children frequently, “You can ask me anything, and you can use whatever words you need to use in order to ask it!” But don’t wait for their questions. Be pro-active. Being the first one to talk about certain sexual issues with her will establish you as the “sexpert,” and that will draw her home with her curiosities rather than to her peers or the internet.

4. Confidence in Her Beauty & Body Image (ages 8+)

Show her by example what it means to love and respect your body, whether you’re a size 6 or 16. Enjoy healthy food and show her how fun exercise can be. Never criticize nor compare yourself to other women in her presence. When you help her feel good about her body now, you’ll set the stage for her to feel good about her body as an adult as well.

5. Confidence in Her Sexual Health (ages 12+)

Sexual health is a matter that women can’t take lightly, including your daughter. I’m shocked at how many girls get their periods, but have never received instruction from their mothers about proper feminine hygiene. Or how many teen girls are sexually active, but tell me they’ve never had a gynecological visit. Or how many adult women struggle with infertility because of the STD they contracted years before. Mom, before she graduates elementary school, she needs to be prepared for the changes taking place in her body. Before she graduates high school (and prior if she becomes sexually active), escort her to your OB/GYN for her first pap smear. Help her establish a good relationship with the doctor she’ll need to visit every twelve months for the rest of her life. Teach her how to do breast self-exams. Teach her how to be a sexually healthy woman.

6. Confidence in Her Sexual Abilities (ages 14+)

What most often leads teens to experiment with pre-mature, unsafe sexual relationships? They think they must “practice” to become a good lover. Assure her that’s not the case. Instead, she needs to practice sexual self-control so that all of her sexual power can be unleashed in her husband’s direction someday! I know from experience that nothing robs a married woman of sexual confidence like guilt over a promiscuous past, so let’s teach our daughters all that our mothers failed to teach us – that sex is great, but it’s also worth the wait. I’m a firm believer in the A-B-C method of sex education: Abstinence until marriage is the ideal (and attainable) goal… Be faithful to your spouse… Condoms are better than nothing if for some reason you choose not to be abstinent or faithful.

7. Confidence in Her Baton-Passing Skills (ages 16+)

I often ask adults if their parents were their primary source of sex education. Less than 5% of adults respond positively to that question. How will your children answer that question someday? Will they know how to have healthy conversations with their own children because of the example you set? Don’t be shy. It doesn’t have to be awkward. Model the skill of talking openly and honestly with your children about these sensitive topics so they’ll have confidence doing the same with your grandchildren.

Remember, the goal isn’t just for our daughters to keep their panties on. The goal is to raise sexually responsible women (which is more about common sense than condom use). And ultimately, it’s about preparing them to become sexually confident wives who know how to keep the home fires burning. This is the best gift we can give our children, and our country. Stable marriages equate to stable families, and stable families equate to a stable society.

Wishing you wonderful conversations with your daughters (and sons),

Shannon

P.S.  If you live in the east Texas area, let us HELP YOU educate your 6th – 12th graders about healthy sexuality!  It’s not to late to go to www.shannonethridge.com and sign up for the BEST SEX Youth Conference, where we’ll be teaching young people how to have the BEST SEX… by waiting until marriage!  It will be held on May 2nd, 9 a.m. – 9 p.m. at Lindale High School.  All proceeds benefit Orphan Relief & Rescue Mission.  See you there!

I received the following question via email from Leslie:

I recently found myself at a red light of a forbidden emotional attachment that has went on for almost two years. Thankfully, I began to take measures to get out of it and just when I thought I was going to crash I received Every Woman’s Battle in the mail. It’s given me strength and hope, but I see this person everyday at work. God has graciously moved me to another side of the office where I cannot see the person as frequently, and although we have ceased all communication, the things that I discussed with him still pop in my head. I know it is wrong, but I kind of miss him and the talks we had. I have just started counseling again concerning this matter. I know I am taking the steps to correct my thoughts as outlined in your chapter on Guarding Your Heart, but I am struggling over whether to confess to my husband all that’s happened. I fear he will never look at me the same. He may see me as unstable and unfaithful not to mention vulnerable for allowing this to happen for so long. I don’t want the drama of leaving for work with him being all paranoid. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I just want to get pass this point and never experience it again for this was the first and last time.

Dear Leslie (and every other woman who finds themselves in similar situations):

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing such emotional turmoil. Not knowing your husband personally, I can’t recommend one way or the other whether you share these details with him. Some husbands are able to look past a wife’s weaknesses to her needs and provide wonderful support and accountability. In those cases, I’d say SHARE! Invite him into your healing process! Other, more insecure husbands, can let their jealous imaginations run wild and add heavier loads onto their wives’ shoulders. In that case, a counselor and/or female accountability partner is the way to overcome. Only you know your husband well enough to know how he’d react to all of this, and how beneficial that reaction would be to your healing process.

I’m glad you’re reading Every Woman’s Battle and seeing a counselor. THAT is key, and remember that the only way to kill a craving is to starve it to death. This includes emotional cravings. They won’t die as long as you feed them, but they waste away when they aren’t fed. Give YOURSELF what you’re craving from him — unconditional love, acceptance, and massive doses of attention. Treat YOURSELF to relaxing lunch outings or movies or walks or whatever you crave.

I also encourage you to give God every chance to romance you in quiet moments with Him rather than looking for love in all the wrong places. After you finish reading Every Woman’s Battle, I encourage you to read Completely His (available at www.shannonethridge.com) to help you in this process. It will cause you fall so desperately head over heels in love with your heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus Christ, that all other men will simply pale in comparison. You’ll even be able to take the burden of responsibility off of your own husband’s shoulders to meet all of your emotional needs, because you’ll realize that God is the only one that possesses such a magical elixir that will satisfy your soul in such a complete way.

Finally, don’t forget to recognize and cherish your little victories. Every day that you’re able to avoid inappropriate relating with this guy is a day of VICTORY for you. Celebrate that. Perhaps find a Celebrate Recovery Support Group so that others can celebrate with you and be encouraged by your strength as well. Being in community with fellow strugglers is incredibly healing!

If all of these measures still aren’t enough to overcome this emotional office affair, don’t hesitate to look for another job!  There is NEVER any shame in RUNNING from temptation if it’s nipping at your heels.  Who knows?  Perhaps this painful situation will ultimately lead you to much greener pastures with another company.  Open yourself to that possibility, and trust God with your future.  As you’re pursuing personal righteousness and faithfulness in your marriage, He’ll certainly take care of you.

Lifting you in prayer for keen discernment, supernatural strength, and peace that passes all understanding,

Shannon

Several dear friends have shared with us lately how the flailing economy has negatively impacted them. We’ve listened intently, and done some sharing of our own. We’re all in the same boat. I don’t know of a single person who hasn’t been somewhat shaken by all that’s been going on in our country lately. And when individuals are shaken, marriages are shaken. Entire families are shaken.

It’s time to get a grip and draw a line in the sand. Let’s not let our money situation wreak havoc on our marriage relationship! Our bank accounts will bounce back eventually, but broken marriages are hard to heal, and the ripple effects of divorce impact a family for generations.

Here’s just a few things you can do in order to keep the economy from dragging your marriage down with it:

1) Rather than watch the doom-and-gloom news or spend the evening surfing the internet for financial reports, declare a “news fast” for one week (or longer). Spend that time sipping tea or hot cocoa together and rather than focusing your discussions on financial burdens, focus on the many blessings under your roof and in your life, particularly each other.

2) Don’t let declining bank accounts cause your bedroom activities to decline with them. Sooth stress and tension by microwaving a bottle of lotion and giving each other a full body massage, and see where that leads…

3) Designate a weekly Date Night if you don’t already, but don’t spend the money you normally would on fancy restaurants or pricey theaters. Pack a picnic dinner and enjoy the springtime weather together. Snuggle on the couch and watch one of your favorite old movies. Play a card or board game. Getting back to the basics can actually be GREAT for reinforcing relationships!

Remember what we declared in our marriage vows – “For better or for worse.” Perhaps this is the worst time in the history of your marriage. Perhaps you’re having to rely on God and each other like never before. I assure you, that’s okay. Lean on your husband. Let him lean on you. Let your kids know that in this uncertain economy, they can be certain that you’ll always have each other. Remind yourself daily that you can’t put a price tag on the value of a strong marriage & family.

In the next 5-10 years, we’ll all look back on this stressful season of our lives. Some of us will look back with great pride. Others will look back with great regret. Which category will you fall into?

Wishing you great hope for the future,

Shannon Ethridge, M.A.

www.shannonethridge.com

Excerpted from the most recent “Hot Tip” bi-monthly email.  If you’re not receiving them, sign up at www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com!

The Cute Prom Couple

It seems like yesterday that I was wiping Spaghettios off her face, yet last Friday I was already putting eye makeup on that same face, helping my daughter get ready for Prom.  Of course, her face looks very different now, but her big “brown M&M eyes” (which she got from her dad) still make my heart skip a beat.  I suspect they have the same effect on her boyfriend, Brian.

I wonder, “Where has the time gone?”  The days often seemed to pass so slowly (would naptime ever come?), yet the years have gone by so quickly.

We wanted to make the day super-special for the both of them.  They’ve been best of friends since junior high, and have been dating a few months now, and we simply couldn’t be happier about it.  All four of us parents put our heads together and devised a brilliant scheme.  They were instructed after Prom (via printed invitation) to drive to our lakeside lot at Hideaway Lake, where we had gone to great lengths to set up the perfect post-prom setting — a cushy love seat & ottomon, a portable fireplace, tiki torches, flowers, chocolate, and a caraffe of hot apple cider.  After a long, hectic week, they were able to just kick up their feet, stare at the stars, and chill out together.

As Brian’s mom and I were setting all of this up, I had a plethora of thoughts swirling through my head — how I didn’t get to go to my own prom because my date dumped me for his ex-girlfriend two days before, but how little that seemed to matter now… how I hadn’t gone to this much trouble to romance my own husband in a while, and that I needed to do that soon… how perhaps I could even get more mileage out of all of this ambience by bringing Greg back to this spot before we loaded it all up and took it back home in a few days.

But the most overwhelming thought was that it feels so FANTASTIC to be able to so wholeheartedly TRUST your daughter in such a setting and in such a relationship.  I always thought that when my daughter started dating, we’d feel compelled to watch over her like a hawk, perhaps keeping dad’s shotgun in plain sight for the boyfriend to see when he comes to pick her up.  Perhaps you know the feeling.

Fortunately, I can laugh at that thought now.  Why?  Because we’ve been SO intentional about instilling healthy sexual values since she was old enough to start asking questions (which was about 5 years old).  Brian’s parents have been just as intentional, and we thank them for that!  Abstinence until marriage has even become one of THEIR passions.  Erin just called, and she and Brian are out visiting Tyler area churches and schools, inviting them to come to the BEST SEX Youth Conference here in east Texas on May 2nd (where we’ll hopefully inspire many other teens to have the BEST sex.. by waiting until marriage!).

Dang, I’m so stinkin’ proud of the beauty they each radiate — both inside and out!  And I couldn’t be more proud of how they have conducted their relationship so far.  They’ve got the world by the tail, and their futures both look so very bright.

I hope that you’ll have the same confidence in your daughters and sons when they get ready to choose a dating or courtship partner.  Don’t wait until they are teens and try to have “the talk” (as if healthy sex education is a simple plumbing lesson you can give in 10 minutes or less).  Talk to them about healthy relationships during every stage of their development, and then you’ll be able to relax and ENJOY every stage — even the dating stage!

Wishing you much confidence in your children’s character,

Shannon

P.S.  If you’d like more information about “passing the baton” of healthy sexual values to your children, consider reading Chapter 16 in The Sexually Confident Wife, as well as the complete books Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle (which Erin helped me write, available at www.shannonethridge.com) and Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle (available at www.fredstoeker.com).  They’re perfect for parents to read WITH their 8-12 year olds, which is certainly not too young to begin these conversations!

P.P.S.  Awesome photography by Erin & Brian’s friend, Cody Travis Maher.  You’re welcome to take a look at the rest of their prom pictures on Cody’s Facebook page!

The following blog is written by my writing partner in the Every Man/Every Woman’s Battle book series, Fred Stoeker, and originally appeared at www.covenanteyes.com this week.  I thought it was too good not to share…

Thanks, Fred & Brenda, for sharing your story and being such an encouragement!

Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage After Pornography