Teens & CyberSex
I recently received the following email from 14-year old “Courtney” (her name has been changed to keep her parents from having a heart attack if they read this):
I used my webcam to show an 18-year old boy my body parts and I saw his body parts. Does this mean I’m no longer a virgin?
I explained to Courtney that “virginity” is a medical term describing whether or not someone has had physical sexual intercourse. However, just because someone is still a virgin doesn’t mean that activities such as this don’t affect our purity. Sexual purity isn’t just a “physical” thing like virginity, but is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I encouraged her to learn from her mistake, forgive herself, and move on to make better choices, beginning with reading my book for teens & college age girls called Every Young Woman’s Battle (available at www.shannonethridge.com).
While it’s never my intention to rain on any girl’s purity parade, cyber-sex, text-sex, and all related activities can’t be classified as “okay” simply because a girl can’t get pregnant or an STD from them. It’s a matter of mental, emotional, and spiritual integrity, and those things have a huge bearing on future choices and relationships.
If you’ve not had honest, open conversations with your cyber-savvy teens and pre-teens about these issues, what are you waiting for? In fact, did you know some young people are facing possible legal charges because of inappropriate sexual conduct in cyberspace? Check out this article…
http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_11704/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=ugIPMA61
What do you think about this 21st century issue of teens & cyber-sex? Are adults making too big of a deal about it, or not a big enough deal?
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Hi Shannon,
I have caught my son on several occasions taking inappropriate pictures of himself and also looking at pornography on the internet. He is fourteen, I’ve talked to him about this to the best of my ability and grounded him from the computer. These strategies don’t seem to be working though. do you have any suggestions on how to get through to him?
Sincerely Amy
I’d very much say this issue needs to be addressed with your teens/children! More than just punishment for their inappropriate behavior but honest conversations about why the behavior is wrong and what the correct behavior should be.
For me personally this issue (cybersex/pornography) was a major addiction that I had between the ages of 10-15. I remember getting punished when I’d get caught (loss of computer privileges for a short time) but never was taught why my behaviors were wrong. Unfortunately as a result I would just get better at hiding the evidence of what I was doing (printouts, saved files, computer history, ect.) rather than learning from my mistakes and making better choices in the future.
That would be my biggest challenge to parents is to teach your children the reasons for the rules and boundaries you set. Yes a lot of the times you can’t address it or have that teachable moment in the middle of the situation but continually look for opportunities to help your children grow and learn from their mistakes. It will help them to have a solid foundation into making wise choices for themselves in the future.
~Skyla
Not a big deal enough! “Parents” need to be more aware of what their children and or teens are doing, they need to teach them to be intentional about guarding themselves. I think a comp/internet in a non-community space in the house (ie; bedroom) is never a good idea, esp for a teenager.
Amy -
As the mother of an almost 14-year old boy, my heart goes out to you! There are several things you can do:
1) I encourage you to look into a video called “Ultimate Escape” by a guy named Steve Holladay. Good stuff for teens on God’s plan for our ultimate sexual fulfillment.
2) Every Young Man’s Battle by Fred Stoeker & Stephen Arterburn — make it required reading! Even consider having your husband read it with him if necessary, or just if they need that father/son bonding time.
3) Covenant Eyes makes filtering & accountability software that would be very helpful providing some external motivation for your son until he can be internally motivated to avoid pornography
4) If you haven’t already, move the computer to a PUBLIC area of the house. He needs to know someone could walk in at ANY time!
5) If this continues to be a problem, I certainly suggest counseling. If not addressed, these issues can become “routine & boring” and he’s going to need a bigger sexual high, so I encourage you to do all you can do nip it in the bud. If you need a referral to a local counselor in your area, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.
Hope that helps!
Shannon
Adults don’t make a big enough deal about it at all. Most men and even a lot of women accept porn and feel it is part of growing up. This is NOT the old days of finding boys with playboys under their mattress- this is real boys and girls relating online and sometimes it isn’t a “boy” on the other end or even a girl- but an adult sex offender. It is dangerous both for their physical safety but also their self immage and esteem. I am a middle school teacher and I can tell you that this is a big problem- even with girls posing sexy for pictures on their cell phones and online social sites who knows what else that leads too. It is sad and it needs to be addressed more!
I’m pretty sure I was reading of some teenaged girl charged with child pornography after uploading photos of herself to myspace. Morality issues acknowledged but aside from that, you might encourage such teens to be careful they don’t commit a felony.