I was talking to my teenage daughter the other day, who is about to celebrate her first Valentine’s Day with a steady boyfriend.  I was asking, “What are you going to do for _________?”  (I’ll keep his name anonymous for the sake of her privacy so I don’t wind up in the dog house!)

She wasn’t sure, so I started throwing out ideas — baking him brownies, making homemade truffles, taking him on a picnic, etc. etc.

Then I realized that I don’t have a plan for MY Valentine!  After celebrating 19 of them together, it’s hard to be original and creative… so I thought I’d ask for a little help from my readers.  Ladies, what are you planning on doing (or what have you done in the past) to say I LOVE YOU to your hubby?  Gentlemen, what do you WISH you’re wife would do for you for Valentine’s Day?  (Keep it PG-13 rated, okay?) 

Seriously, ANY and ALL ideas would be much appreciated!

Sincerely,

Shannon

Morning has broken… broken our 2-week sexual sabbatical.  Not a chosen one, but one brought about by the “stuff of earth competing for our allegience” (as the late Rich Mullens sang).  Work schedules… waiting up late for teens to come home… concerns about the direction of the economy… relational stresses robbing us of communication, sleep, and a few tears along the way.  LIFE.  Sometimes LIFE happens, and sex simply doesn’t.  But we can’t let the stuff of earth creep in and take over for very long at a time before we take control of our relational destinies.

How did our sexual sabbatical get broken?  When Greg got up out of bed and started heading toward shower, I spoke up and asked, “What’s your hurry?”  Suddenly his shower could wait 5 or 10 minutes, and he climbed back under the covers.  And the stuff of earth didn’t seem so important in those moments.  It was like a mini-vacation.  A much-needed mini-vacation from our sexual sabbatical.

Have YOU been on a sexual sabbatical lately?  If so, carve 10 minutes out of your morning, afternoon or evening to get back on track sexually and relationally.  Think about how truly easy that would be, in spite of how hard life may be right now.  If a friend called and said, “Do you have 10 minutes?” you most likely wouldn’t feel imposed upon.  If your boss said, “This little project shouldn’t take up more than 10 minutes of your time,”you’d be happy to make the effort just to score brownie points, right?  Heck, I even saw an infomercial about a 10-minute exercise video, the point being that ANYONE can take just TEN minutes out of their day!  Just ten minutes is a tiny investment into your marriage that can reap tremendous interest and rewards!

I’m not trying to add one more thing to your to do list.  I’m simply trying to encourage you with a reminder that you are not alone.  Even the most sexually confident wives can find themselves stuck in a sexual sabbatical on occasion.  But we don’t have to remain stuck there.  Just a few minutes here and there is all it takes to get back on track toward sexual fulfillment.

WIshing you joy in your journey,

Shannon

I just read an article on Fox News’ website that hurts my heart as badly as how Natalie Dylan is trying to auction off her virginity to the highest bidder (see the blog just before this one).  You can find the full article at http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,480605,00.html, but here’s the highlights…

“CRITICS PUSH TO END ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX EDUCATION”

NEW YORK  —  With the exit of the Bush administration, critics of abstinence-only sex education will be making an aggressive push to cut off federal funding for what they consider an ineffective, sometimes harmful program.

How quickly and completely they reach their goal is uncertain, however, as conservative supporters of abstinence education lobby Congress and President-elect Barack Obama to preserve at least some of the funding, which now totals $176 million a year.

And even if federal funding is halted, some states — such as Georgia — are determined to keep abstinence programs going on their own, ensuring that this front in the culture wars will remain active.

…Cecile Richards, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of American, depicted the federal abstinence-only program as “an utter failure that has wasted more than $1.5 billion” over the past decade. Like other critics, she noted that several major studies — including a federally funded review — have found no evidence that the abstinence-only approach works in deterring teen sex… “We believe the amount of money that goes into it would be so much better used on things to prevent unwanted pregnancies,” she said. “I think we’ll have enough votes to deal with it.”  [translation:  funding to cover birth control devices and abortion services which Planned Parenthood sells to support their own organization.]

Supporters of abstinence education acknowledge the shift of political power in Washington, but they have appealed to Obama to preserve some federal funding for their programs.  Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association, suggested that one option would be for Congress “to allow true choice” by approving funding for both comprehensive and abstinence-focused programs. Referring to recent data showing increases in teen births and sexually transmitted diseases among young people, she said, “Now is not the time to remove even one of the tools that can help teens.”

However, Slaughter said she would oppose any effort to fund both approaches.  “We can’t have both, because abstinence-only doesn’t work,” she said.

Still, she said there could be a long-term benefit to conducting research on whatever abstinence programs do endure.  “I suspect that if research community keeps testing them, there might be a couple that do have an effect,” she said.

Georgia supplements its federal abstinence money with more than $500,000 of state funds.  “Abstinence education will remain a strategy of our youth development initiative regardless of what happens at the federal level,” said Jen Bennecke, executive director of the Governor’s Office for Children and Families.  She credited the Georgia program — which includes character-development curriculum — with contributing to a 50 percent decrease in teen pregnancies since its inception 11 years ago.  [Boy, I call that SUCCESS, don't you?]

Roughly half the states receive federal abstinence funding — the others have spurned the program, under which instructors are directed to teach that sexual activity outside of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.

—————

I wish I could have a few moments with these lawmakers to tell them about the negative psychological and physical affects of MY premarital sexual encounters, effects I was oblivious to as a teenager and would have hugged someone’s neck if they’d just have told me what turmoil I would be getting myself into.  I wish I could tell them about my husband who, as a 26-year old virgin, avoided these negative consequences altogether and was awfully glad he did (and so was I).  I wish I could introduce them to some of the girls and guys who’ve attended my sexuality retreats over the past 15 years — who are now young men and women of sexual integrity (regardless of what was in their past prior to the event)… who are faithful husbands and wives today because they learned that they COULD control their body in holy and healthy ways… who value sex only within marriage rather than viewing it as “just a thang” or some tool that you can use to barter for whatever you want.

I’m worried that when you remove the ultimate goal of abstinence until marriage out of the sex education mix, the message becomes something along the lines of “Since every teenager does it, here’s a condom so you can do it too, all without consequences!”

Does this hurt your heart too?  Don’t we WANT abstinence until marriage to be the expected cultural standard (especially for our OWN sons & daughters)?

Obviously, those of us with children are going to have to work overtime to instill those values at home if the liberal government has its way.  And by the way, here are a couple of recommendations to help parents of 8-12 year old girls and boys:

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle (available at www.shannonethridge.com)

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle (available at www.fredstoeker.com)

Wishing you (and your children!) a lifetime of sexual integrity,

Shannon

In light of my last blog about inviting your husband into your healing process when you’ve been sexually abused, I was incredibly saddened to read this article about a young woman who’s choosing to abuse herself…

Student auctions off virginity for offers of more than £2.5 million

A student who is auctioning her virginity to pay for a masters degree in Family and Marriage therapy has seen bidding hit £2.5million ($3.7m). Natalie Dylan, 22, claims her offer of a one-night stand has persuaded 10,000 men to bid for sex with her. Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has rocketed.

The student who has a degree in Women’s Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself. Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks.

She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including “weirdos”, “those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me” and “lots of polite requests from rich businessmen”. Miss Dylan said she did not think it was particularly significant to be willing to sell your virginity and insisted that she was happy to undergo medical tests for any doubters.

She said: “I get some men who are obviously looking for a girlfriend but I try and make it clear that this is a one-night-only offer. I know that a lot of people will condemn me for this because it’s so taboo but I really don’t have a problem with that. My study is completely authentic in that I truly am auctioning my virginity but I am not being sold into this. I’m not being taken advantage of in any way. I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal.”

She added: “It’s shocking that men will pay so much for someone’s virginity, which isn’t even prized so highly anymore.”

————————————-

I’m just curious — what do you think this will do to Natalie’s sexual confidence when she gets married someday?  How will it affect her husband’s confidence?  What advice would you give her?

For years, I never told my husband that I’d been sexually abused by some of my uncles.  Why?  Because (1) I was stupid enough to think that because I didn’t let them actually have sex with me that it didn’t effect me, and (2) because I didn’t want him to view me as “damaged goods.”

But about six years into our marriage, I finally took my counselor’s advice and explained to Greg everything that had happened to me when I was between the ages of 11 & 13.  One particular uncle would wake me up in the middle of the night and escort me from my cousin’s bedroom into the living room where he would grope me and force me to kiss him, which was like licking an ash tray, and my upper lip felt so assaulted by his thick, bristly mustache.

As I explained all of this to Greg, he exclaimed, “Is THAT why you get so angry when you smell cigarette smoke?  And is THAT why you rarely kiss me anymore since I grew a mustache?”  I had never consciously made those connections, but I couldn’t deny that they made perfect sense.  The very next morning, Greg shaved his mustache off, climbed back in bed, and scooped me up in his arms to catch up on the months of kissing we’d missed out on.  I felt so incredibly SAFE in his arms, and discovered a new level of sexual passion for my protector.

Ladies, if you’ve suffered any sort of sexual abuse, please know that I am SO sorry you had to endure that.  But don’t let your abuser rob you of any more than he already has!!!  Invite your husband into your healing process, share what you’ve experienced, and let his love be a healing balm to your soul.

Wishing you the wholeness you deserve,

Shannon

Making “Relationship Resolutions”

Special thanks to The TODAY Show for having me back to New York last month for a “Relationship Roundtable” discussion with Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Saturday Night Live comedian Finesse Mitchell, and Lesley Rotchford, editor of Cosmopolitan magazine. The segment aired this morning, but can be watched here too. Just go to the home page and click on the January 2^nd MSNBC video.

Shannon‘s 2009 Resolution:

To Help Aspiring Writers & Speakers Have a B.L.A.S.T.!

If you’ve been familiar with my writing and speaking for very long, you know that I focus primarily on three passions: Sexual Integrity, Sexual Intimacy, and Spiritual Intimacy. Although I get dozens of questions each week pertaining to these issues, some of the most common questions I receive have absolutely nothing to do with any of them… questions like:

· I feel called to speak, but how do I get started?

· What’s the best way to go about writing the book I have in mind?

· How can I get a publisher to look at my book?

· I want to reach more people with my speaking and writing. What do you suggest?

Trying to answer such questions can feel almost as impossible as explaining to someone in 200 words or less how to successfully perform open heart surgery. Oh, how I’ve wished I could connect a set of mental jumper cables from my brain to someone else’s and download all that I’ve learned over the past decade!

The publishing industry is incredibly complex and difficult to break into. As my writing mentor said years ago, “You can feel like a tiny grain of sand on an entire continent of beach when you’re trying to get published!” Boy, do I remember that feeling. And I sense that there are lots of you who are experiencing that feeling right now. Perhaps God has tapped you on the shoulder and said, “I want YOU to be my voice!” If so, I sense God tapping ME on the shoulder and saying, “I want YOU to teach them how!”

In response to this calling, I’m launching a new one-year program starting this September called B.L.A.S.T. (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers & Teachers). I’ll meet one day per month with a select group of aspiring writers and speakers, attempting to teach you all that I can about bringing your own ministry and publishing dreams to life!

If you’re interested in learning more about the program, go to www.shannonethridge.com and sign up for the monthly E-newsletter.  There will be lots more information in the January edition (to be released within the next few days, or if you miss it, go to the e-newsletter archives for the January 2009 edition).  There’ll be a place to click in the e-newsletter for a complete informational brochure and application packet. Also, feel free to email your like-minded friends who’d be interested and let them know about the program. There is an ONLINE version, so no matter where you live, you can have a BLAST with us!

Who knows? Perhaps this will be the year that YOUR resolution for getting that book started or that speaking ministry launched finally becomes a reality! If you’re ready to see that happen, I’m ready to help BLAST you in the right direction.

Happiest of New Years to you and yours,

Shannon