http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsCFoAdpRIk

for His glory,
- Han

I read your book The Sexually Confident Wife and I’m excited to see what you’ll release next. While the Sexually Savvy Husband sounds like it will help a lot of men out there, would you consider putting in a chapter or two that perhaps talks about men being OKAY with their sexuality in a culture where it seems it’s viewed as a turn-off to women? In my marriage, I, as the wife, am the one often initiating sex – not my husband. I feel our situation is the opposite of many homes but it is none-the-less frustrating to me, as the wife, who desires her husband, as it would be if the husband were to desire the wife. I have spoken with other women that face this same situation. I realize we are not the majority, but it might be worth mentioning? Blessings as you work to bring such amazing light to this area of marriage! And FYI, I just loaned the S.C.W. to this other woman I was talking to and she is LOVING it. Thank you!

It takes two to tango, and I don’t know of any man who wants to have to initiate every single time. He wants to know that he is desirable to his wife, and what better way to show our husbands that than to invite him into our private playgrounds on occasion? Just like any other friendship, we take turns initiating quality time together so that the relationship feels “reciprocal.” I think the sexual relationship in marriage is no different.

However, if a particular husband simply doesn’t enjoy being pursued by his wife, he can certainly let her know that he prefers to lead. But again, I doubt that ALL men feel this way, and I know many women who would be sad to learn that they shouldn’t initiate sexually with their own husbands.

Thanks for hearing my heart on the matter once again,

Shannon

Shannon

I think Shannon’s original message had a really good point. Women tend not to mind initiating/participating in sex as long as they feel valued…and when other things seem to take precedence (whether watching TV instead of talking, or preferring laziness over taking out the trash, as the examples were given) over her, she’s really not into it. Genesis 3:16 says that a woman’s desire will be for her husband, but obviously if this isn’t happening, then something’s out of sync with God’s intentions for marriage. This IS the husband’s fault, at least in part, if she is not feeling any desire. I suppose there could be a few exceptions where the wife married for the wrong reason (such as money, good looks, the shallow stuff) and simply lost all interest in him, but I think that a man has just as much responsibility to make his wife desire him as she does to make him desire her…making her feel special falls under that category. If he, as the man, makes her feel special, then she enjoys just being in his company more at the very least. Who knows, maybe that little compliment about her outfit (or her hair, or how nice something is that she took part in sometime throughout the day…whatever the case may be) is all it takes to get her “in the mood” for something more.

If she’s a housewife, she needs to FEEL that she’s loved for more than the clean house or dinner meal that she prepared…she needs to know that the kitchen is NOT her expected “place of duty” (as much as it’s joked that the woman’s place is in the kitchen, it seems that a lot of people actually expect it), and that her opinion is not less important about any major financial decisions just because her husband is the bread-winner. While it’s true that the man is the “priest of the home” and tradition suggests that he has the final say, it does not mean that his wife’s opinion is of less value…he needs to take it into serious consideration, instead of letting his ego say “I’m the boss and we’re doing it MY way.”

If the wife is a working woman (whether the sole source of income or where both spouses work), her husband needs to appreciate the fact that she’s had a “hard day at the office” and isn’t in the “I really really wanna cook dinner as soon as I get home” mood. Her day was probably just as full as his, if not more, and asking “How was your day, honey?” isn’t going to hurt him one bit. Maybe she needs to vent, or maybe she has something really exciting to share…he needs to send the message that he cares. Often, men want to fix problems that are expressed or they don’t know how to handle those exciting things of the day, because they feel like they don’t measure up if they can’t handle all the problems or they feel insecure about their wife being excited about something he wasn’t a part of…but a woman just wants to be listened to (this applies to all women, not just career wives, btw). She wants to share part of her life with you that you weren’t there to experience with her. By telling you about a negative event, she’s not asking for his intervention, she is sharing herself with him emotionally. Men would do well to understand this if they want their wives to also share themselves physically/sexually also. There is so much I want to say on this subject, but perhaps Facebook isn’t the best place to do it, and I don’t really have the time to comment further right now. I’ve thought about writing a book myself, but alas, my journey is still developing. I think maybe in 10 years or so, I’ll be somewhat of an expert…lol.