SexuallyConfidentWife.com Official Blog

The previous blog about “Trent’s dilemma” has sparked an interesting question from yet another husband:

 

Imagine you were at a conference and a man like Trent comes up to you with his wife and says, “I really like what you are saying, but my wife and I just have a huge gap in our sexual desires.” You can tell that the wife is not too thrilled.  What would you say to that couple, to really inspire her to become a Sexually Confident Wife, and for him to hold onto hope and his morals until she does?

 

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a single sentence or even a paragraph in the world that would magically move a woman from one end of the spectrum to the other on the scale of sexual confidence, but I’d love for all of us ladies to offer these male readers some advice.  What are some things that a husband can do to INSPIRE our sexual confidence rather than REQUIRE it?  Or what are some things that he subconsciously does that kills our confidence?  For example…

 

Intimacy BUSTERS might be:

·         Forgeting to take out the trash even after we’ve asked you repeatedly (we know you’re only human and forget things on occasion, but it translates as, “I don’t really want to put forth the effort to serve you.”)  Therefore, we’re not so inspired to put forth the effort to serve his needs, either.

·         Expecting sex after you’ve had your head in the television all night (which often translates as, “I’d rather vegetate here on the couch than talk to you.”)  Therefore, we’d rather drift off to sleep on our pillow than to have sex with you.

 

Intimacy BOOSTERS might be:

·         Grab a bottle of lotion and say, “You’ve been on your feet a lot lately.  Would you like a foot massage?”  When my husband offers a foot rub, letting him work his way up with that lotion doesn’t seem like such a bad idea at all.

·         Call during the mid-afternoon craziness hours and suggest, “We deserve a break tonight.  If I picked dinner up on my way home, could we tuck the kids in early and have dessert by candlelight in our room?”  Ministering to her needs like that may have her eating out of the palm of your hand!

 

Other ideas, Ladies? 

What does your husband do or say that makes you put up a wall? 

What do you wish he’d do to help you tear down that wall and build a bridge instead?

 

The sky is the limit — DREAM BIG!  Let’s help men understand what we REALLY want and need in order to become the Sexually Confident Wives they dream of having.

 

Wishing you lots of creativity,

Shannon

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One of the most interesting things is how many MEN seem to have found this website, and are ordering the book for their wives – a gesture which I hope all wives will interpret as something along the lines of, “Gee honey, I love you so much, and I want to connect with you more deeply!” rather than coming to any negative conclusions that he’s just being a selfish pig. 

 

I’m absolutely delighted to be striking a chord with husbands, but it’s the WIVES I’m hoping will really open themselves to the message of The Sexually Confident Wife, or else the term “Desperate Husbands” will become a more popular term than “Desperate Housewives.” 

 

One husband emailed recently asking for advice about how to talk to his wife about a huge struggle in their marriage.  “Trent” says:

 

“The real problem is that I have a much higher sex drive than she does and while she is happy with making love once or twice a week, I deeply desire to be sexually intimate with her far more than that. Not every day, but four or fives times a week is what I really desire. Whenever I make any loving motioning toward intimacy - such as close hugging or even massaging, she immediately withdraws because she thinks that I just want to fulfill my desires and have sex. It has got to the point where anything romantic, even buying flowers, is viewed as a manipulative maneuver to have sex that night. It has now got to the point where she simply refuses to make love more than twice a week and she says I need to gain control of my desires and should be putting my wife first and respecting her needs. I just don’t know what to do…

 

Sexual intimacy has become such a problem and it is like she has a castle wall built around her - and the gate only gets opened twice a week. So many nights I just lie in bed wanting to make love so much - and knowing that she simply does not want to. I am denied. I don’t want to masturbate.  I want to be intimate with my wife, my lover, that God has given to me.  She says there is no need for a husband’s sexual desires to met by the wife as regularly as four to fives times a week. I thought that as husband and wife our bodies belonged to each other and that we should fulfill the intimate desires of our spouse - but her desire is not to make love more that twice a week. It is immensely difficult as a man to know how to deal with this, or how to properly channel my desires.”

 

If anyone has any advice for “Trent,” that’d be great, but I also want to ask you, Ladies, could YOUR OWN husband have written this email?  Would he share the same sentiments if given the opportunity to do so anonymously?

 

I’m not trying to create any paranoia – just encouraging us all (myself included) to realize how important his sexual needs are, and how vital of a role wives play in fulfilling those desires. 

Would love to hear your thoughts!  (And I’ll bet “Trent” would too!)

 

Shannon

7 comments

Every once in a while I get an email from a reader that I just HAVE to share (with their permission, of course!). Check out this testimony from Elizabeth…

Dear Shannon,

I had a bit of a breakthrough with my husband recently, and I know it’s thanks to your book. Will (my husband) has asked me several times to paint my fingernails, and specifically to paint them red. I’ve never wanted to, and always just declined to do it without really thinking about it.

Well, after reading the book, and asking Will what intimate stuff he’d like me to be more open to, he brought up the red fingernails thing. Immediately I felt my emotions recoiling at the idea, but for the first time, I decided to figure out WHY I didn’t want to do it rather than just decline automatically.

Get this: I realized that the reason I don’t like red fingernails is because the ONLY woman I knew who typically had red fingernails was my maternal grandmother. So in my mind, red fingernails = my bitter, materialistic and emotionally removed Grandma! What a reason to deny my husband an extremely tame fantasy of his pretty wife caressing him with her red fingernails! And I didn’t even KNOW that was the root of my aversion to them! Once I did realize it, I was able to let it go, and I painted them red the very next day and Will has been enjoying them immensely ever since! While I’m not “there” yet as far as feeling sexy about them, I certainly like what the do to my husband, so we’ve found common ground.

I’m now looking more deliberately at why I do or don’t do certain things sexually. I’m trying to look at the things I’m uncomfortable with from a removed, analytical perspective, and it’s helping me to examine where I’ve gotten some of my “sexual beliefs” over the years. In doing that, I am finding that once I put aside prior bad experiences (childhood molestation, etc) that happen to involve a certain sexual act, and put that act in the context of loving marital intimacy with my husband, some of them have actually been appealing to me for the first time in my married life.

As far as what Will thinks of all this, I asked him if he’s noticed any differences in me lately, and he said that he’s noticed I’m a lot more forward about sex, and that he likes it, because there is less “hinting around”, which has often only lead to disappointment and confusion.

Anyway, now that I’ve had time to really put some of what I’ve learned from your book in action, I thought you like to know how well it’s going for this couple.

- Elizabeth

BRAVO, Elizabeth! What an example you are to all of us!

Are there things that float your spouse’s boat that you’ve been hesitant to try, but never really understood where the hesitancy came from? If so, how does Elizabeth’s testimony inspire you?

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

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Every week we receive multiple emails from either men struggling with pornography, or wives struggling with their husbands’ use of it. (I know many women struggle with using pornography as well, but we’ll save that for another blog). I agree with Dr. Phil, who insists that users of Internet porn are cheating on their partners, and that women shouldn’t have to put up with their partners’ pornography addiction.

This is obviously an issue we’ll explore deeply if given the opportunity to write The Sexually Savvy Husband, but I thought it would be great to pick your brains now! Answer any of these questions that apply to you:

* If you’re a man who currently uses pornography, can you help us understand what’s behind this addiction for you? What do you get out of looking at pornography? Is there any way your wife can help you break this addiction? Are there ways that she unknowingly fuels it?

* If you’re a wife whose husband is currently using pornography, tell us how it makes you feel — about yourself, about your husband, about the relationship you share.

* If you’re a man (or the wife of a man) who has overcome a pornography addiction, what advice do you have for other men and their wives? How has your life & marriage changed since pornography was banned from your sex life?

As always, let’s keep the conversation positive. We all know that there’s real hurt and deep pain going on in the lives of both husbands and wives as a result of pornography use, so let’s explore what’s really going on beneath this issue and learn how we can help others become sexually savvy husbands and sexually confident wives!

Appreciating your feedback,

Shannon

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