SexuallyConfidentWife.com Official Blog

I’m flying out shortly to speak in Canada all weekend, but thought I’d leave this for your to chew on from my file of interesting tidbits… 

Think loving your husband is enought to exempt you from having an affair?  Not so says an article in Redbook. What really makes women vulnerable to unfaithfulness?  Here’s a few ways to predict if you’re at risk:

• You work — It provides opportunity simple because you spend 8 hours a day in close contact with men. And because women are still outnumbered by men in the workforce, they have more potential lovers.
• One of your parents cheated — There’s a greater tendency to repeat family patterns.
• You initiate sex with your husband — If you’re comfortable being the aggresor, then you won’t have a problem coming on to someone you’re interested in.
• Your friends are having affairs — Peer pressure!
• You live in a big city — Residents of small towns tend to frown on affairs. Most likely because everyone knows everyone.
• Your husband dominates you — An affair can be a declaration of independence.
• You’re better educated than your husband — Perhaps because you feel more powerful.
• You’re at a transition or crisis point — Maybe approaching your 30th birthday or whatever and you feel uncertain about the direction of your life.
• You’ve just moved to a new community.
• A parent has recently died — This may make you feel like doing things you know your mom or dad would have disapproved of.
• You and your husband spend a lot of time apart.
• You have a special friendship with a man.
• You’ve always been a “good girl.”
• Your husband criticizes your looks — Many of us, especially women, judge ourselves based on how we’re viewed by others. But husbands often forget to give compliments or worse,feel free to find fault.
• You’re content with your marriage — This might cause you to believe that since you have all the love and security at home, it’s okay then to have fun. You’ll see sex and love as two totally different things.

Some of these are scary, huh?  Just proves the point of almost every book I’ve ever written on female sexuality — we MUST be vigilant in GUARDING our hearts, Ladies!

Wishing you much faithfulness in your marriage,

Shannon

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been bombarded with emails from SCW readers bemoaning the fact that their HUSBANDS are the ones who have robbed them of their sexual confidence, through a variety of different ways such as pornography use, negative comments about her weight, too many paranoid questions about her past relationships, unrealistic expectations in the bedroom, etc. etc.  Then this week, I received this email from Jerry saying:

I caught just the tail end of your interview today on the radio. I wish my wife would have had your book to read 10 years ago. The intimacy has all but left our 22 yr marriage. I believe that we are both committed to one another so long as we both shall live, but this void in our relationship is very difficult for me to deal with. I have attempted to discuss it with her to no avail. I have offered counseling, suggested discussing with her physician, left books on her desk, begged, and bribed. I had to give up years ago or I was going to burn up with the anger, frustration, etc. If you get around to writing a book for men I will likely read it… From the little I heard, you are doing vital work for healthy marriages. Keep it up.

My heart breaks for Jerry and the thousands of couples in similar situations.  It seems like whether a couple has been married many years or just a few months, there’s often so much pain and disappointment in the sex lives of both husbands and wives.

SO… I’m thinking about writing a book to help men understand what a vital part THEY play in building their wives’ sexual confidence.  What do you think about:

THE SEXUALLY SAVVY HUSBAND:

Discovering the Secrets to Helping Your Wife Blossom in Bed

???????

Do you think it would be helpful to marriages?  Do you think men would read it?  Would you buy it for your husband so that he can understand what you REALLY need from him in the relationship in order to be a sexually confident wife?  What would you want YOUR husband to understand about you?

Eager to hear your feedback,

Shannon

While in Tempe, Arizona doing some interviews yesterday, I had a block of free time and went for a walk.  From my hotel, I strolled down the main avenue, then turned down a neighborhood road to get away from the traffic.  The houses were pretty non-descript, with desert landscape adorning most front yards.  I probably meandered a mile or so through the area when I came to a fork in the road.  I chose to walk on the street to the left, which only led to more boring houses, rock gardens, and cactus plants. 

After a few blocks, something inside urged me to turn around and take that right street at the fork.  When I did, the rocky, dry landscape ended within a couple of blocks, and I stumbled upon the most magnificent oasis!  A city park with lush green rolling hills and tall shade trees.  Once I climbed to the top of the embankment, I discovered yet another pleasant surprise — a 10 acre lake where several paddleboats awaited patrons, fathers and sons were fishing, joggers were circling on a concrete path, and hundreds of ducks waddled around in search of breadcrumbs tossed from picnic blankets.  It was like a glimpse of what Heaven will be like!

I couldn’t help but think about what a shame it would have been had I not listened to that inner voice saying, “Correct your course!  Go back!”  And I was reminded of that inner voice saying the same thing in the early years of our marriage when that “7 year itch” had set in and I went looking for love through numerous emotional affairs.  What I thought was going to be an extramarital oasis turned out to be a desert road that left me 100 times more parched and weary.  But thankfully, I realized that I could corrected my course.  I gave up my pursuit of superficial “intensity” and pursued genuine “intimacy” instead.  I stopped searching for the perfect lover and simply created the perfect love with my own husband.  And what did I find?  THAT’s where my oasis was to be discovered!!!  Now after 18 years of marriage, we’re happier than we’ve ever been, and I can’t imagine that there’s anyone better for me in this world than Mr. Gregory Ethridge!

Have you ever wandered down the rocky path of emotional fidelity?  If so, where did it take you?  How have you managed to correct your course, and have you discovered your marital oasis yet?  If so, we want to hear about your roadmap! 

If you’re still meandering down that desert road, I encourage you to check out the Every Woman’s Battle message board at www.shannonethridge.com where you can connect with other women on similar journeys and discover the secrets to correcting your course!

Wishing you the BEST marriage possible,

Shannon

In his book “The Truth About Cheating,” marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 husbands to discover the real reasons why they cheat on their wives.  Not surprisingly, 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they were unfaithful.

I toss this statistic out there as a vivid reminder – sexual needs aren’t all that we need to pay attention to when it comes to keeping our man happy.  We also need to be aware of his emotional needs.  Yep, men have them too!  For example, one of our friends lamented when I was writing The Sexually Confident Wife:

Why is it that women think they can be rude, demanding, and disrespectful to their husbands, then expect that everything should function normally in bed?  When my wife rides me all evening about how I don’t help out enough in the house or with the kids, or how I don’t bring home enough money for her to pay all the bills, or how I don’t pay her enough attention or meet her emotional needs, the last thing I want to do is cuddle up next to her and make love.

Think about it.  If a man treated a woman harshly during the day, would she be eager to let him touch her that night?  Not a chance.  This dynamic works both ways.  Sometimes a woman expects that her husband’s heart and penis should be made of steel, built to withstand the most disappointing and frustrating of relational dynamics.  But he’s no robot.  He’s a human being with feelings and emotions, and he needs to be somewhat affirmed in order to feel aroused.

So while it’s easy for women to whine, “You don’t meet my emotional needs!,” let’s press the pause button and ask ourselves, “When was the last time I focused on meeting HIS emotional needs?”

As I’m getting ready to fly out of town tomorrow, I’m going to go write Greg a sweet love note and tuck it under his pillow before I leave.  What are YOU going to do this weekend to refuel that lovin’ feeling in your husband’s heart?  Tell us so we can be even more inspired to keep the homefires burning!

Wishing you a warm heart toward your hubby,

Shannon

While flying home Friday, I was completely oblivious to the miracle God was performing…  

I had flown to New York City on Wednesday to do an interview on NBC’s TODAY Show (awesome experience, and Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb are even more beautiful in person!).  I returned to DFW Airport exhausted and ready to see my family.  While I was waiting at baggage claim, I turned on my cell phone, and had a text message from Skyla, a staff member.  It read:

SCW is #52 on Amazon.com — higher than 11 out of 16 of the New York Times Best-Sellers on the list!

I had to read it several times for it to sink in — this book had risen over 6,000% in the rankings in just the few hours between that Friday morning interview and me landing in Dallas!  Enough to put it at #2 on Amazon’s “Movers & Shaker’s” List!

While I was a mile high in the sky, passing the time reading a book and nibbling on pretzels, little did I know that God was working such a big miracle.  And the excitement continued — by the time we went to bed that night, the book had risen to #35 on Amazon.com, and #19 on Barnes & Noble.com!

Sure, we’re ecstatic over the idea that this one trip to New York will go a long way toward getting our kids through college, but my deepest desire would be that the miracle of increased book sales is just the tip of this iceburg.  I’m desperately praying that every wife (or husband) who ordered that book on Friday would receive a major MARRIAGE MIRACLE in the days to come as they read the book! 

It may sound like a bizzarre statement to say, “Many of the world’s problems would be solved if couples had more sex,” but think about this… a more sexually confident wife means a healthier, happier wife AND a happier, more satisfied husband.  Their stronger sex life means a stronger marriage… which makes for a stronger family… and stronger families make for a stronger society.  Don’t you agree? 

Heck, maybe this book will get me nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize!  HA!

Wishing every married couple in the world the BEST sex life possible,

Shannon

Following our “Boundaries in Friendships” blog a few days ago and all the great responses we’ve received, I thought you’d be interested in this little tidbit that my radio talk-show host friend, Gary, forwarded from his files of cool stuff to share on the air:

TEN THINGS MEN WILL SAY TO GET YOU IN BED

Ladies, don’t fall for these:

1. The Pity Ploy — Often used by the recently-split-up-with-girlfriend guy looking to score. He’ll cry about how devastated he is, swear he never wants to have sex again - and then stick his hand up your top.
2. The “It’s Late, Why Not Sleep Here?” Creep — A favorite of men who live far away, this consists of conning you into coming back to their place.
3. The “I’ve Got A Big One, Baby” Bull — This guy spreads rumors that he’s hung like a horse in order to get a date.
4. The Red-Hot Lover Ruse — He’ll make subtle comments like, “Sleeping with me will be the single most awesome sexual experience of your life, baby.” And he knows that if he keeps on chipping away you may end up sleeping with him, just to be sure you’re not missing out.
5. The Get-Her-Drunk-Skunk — Guys are taught this maneuver young. There are three main angles: (1) Coercing you into drinking alcohol when you usually drink something else; (2) Challenging you to match him, drink for drink; (3) Buying all the drinks.
6. The Doing-Your-Best-Friend Doozie — If a guy can’t get directly into your pants he’ll have sex with your best friend and hope it makes you jealous.
7. The “I Bought You Dinner” Winner — Yes, there’s still the odd man out there who thinks that just because he bought you dinner, you’re supposed to jump into the sack with him.
8. The “I-Can’t-Get-It-Up” Goodie — Guys say this in hopes of coercing a woman into taking it as a challenge to get this guy aroused.
9. The “Hey, I Forgot I’m Gay” Hoodwink — The aim here is to lull you into a false sense of security before leaping on you, claiming, “I don’t know what came over me.” This way, you’ll feel smug that even gay guys can’t keep their hands off you.
10. The “You’re Not My Type” Hype — This is the most cunning scam of all, employing those old favorites - reverse psychology and feminine pride. Every woman loves a challenge, and if he tells you you’re not his type enough times, you’ll be dying to show him how wrong he is.

Yes, even married women can get some of these slime-lines tossed in their direction on occasion, especially from inappropriate male co-workers, so be on your guard ladies!

Have any guys ever tried using these or similar lines on you? If so, give us some tips for how you responded (or wish you’d responded in hindsight). Let’s sharpen one another with words of wisdom and accountability rather than stabbing each other with judgment. We’ve got a lot to learn from one another!

Instead of searching in vain for the “perfect lover,” let’s create the “perfect love” (with our husbands)!

Keep those home fires burning,

Shannon