SexuallyConfidentWife.com Official Blog

With the national release of The Sexually Confident Wife this week, we’re in full swing with radio and television interviews, for both the mainstream and Christian market. In fact, be sure to tune into The Today Show (NBC) next Friday, October 3^rd during the 10 a.m. (eastern time) hour!

All interviews have gone incredibly well so far, and both male and female interviewers are enthusiastically supporting this much-needed message. However, I was flabbergasted at the direction that one interviewer went in (a radio talk show pastor who shall remain nameless). Just to hit the highlights, he said things like:

• “But isn’t sex part of our sinful ‘animal’ nature?” I expressed my disagreement, explaining that God created man (and woman!) as sexual beings BEFORE the fall of man. There’s nothing sinful about married sex. God gave Adam and Eve the command to “be fruitful and multiply,” which means “have sex and make babies.” His rebuttal was, “But Adam and Eve weren’t able to fulfill that command until AFTER the fall.” As if God commanded mankind to do something that we’d have to SIN in order to accomplish??!! Therefore no child is ever born out of LOVE, only out of SIN? I don’t think so! But that’s not all. Keep reading…
• “Oral sex is part of our ‘animal nature!” Excuse me, but I can’t think of a single animal on the planet that has oral sex. Can you? I explained that long before personal lubricants were invented, God gave us the gift of saliva, and the Song of Solomon is VERY “oral” in nature (i.e. ”I delight to sit in my lover’s shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste… Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”) His response was that Solomon’s demise was his sexual relationships with his multiple wives. So we should just disregard that book of the Bible? I refuse to do that! Besides, it was Solomon’s worship of the false gods of his foreign wives that led to his demise, not his marital sex life.
• “When a woman gives her husband sex it only makes him want more and more, so she’s going to feel put upon and he’s going to have to look elsewhere… it’s best for a woman to not awaken that ‘animal nature’ in her husband.” HELLO??!! So a wife should just withhold all sex from her husband and expect him to be asexual (completely celebate with no sexual thoughts, longings, etc.)? Once again, I declared that I strongly disagree, indicating that this would be a recipe for a major marital disaster. I replied, “My husband and many other men in this world receive sexual pleasure from their wives several times a week, and they are perfectly satisfied. They DON’T go looking elsewhere, NOR do all their wives feel “put upon” because she gets plenty of pleasure out of it too!

UGH! Does any of this make your blood boil like it does mine? I feel like I need to step outside for a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke.

I don’t know if you hold any religious beliefs or not, but if you do, please know that God does NOT turn His back in disdain every time a husband and wife make love. He doesn’t blush, or roll His eyes, or complain, “Oh gee, they’re doing THAT again?” On the contrary, God’s desire is for married couples to frequently unwrap the gift He has given us in one another and freely enjoy intimate pleasures, without one ounce of guilt or shame.

‘Nuff said. I’ll get off my soapbox now so my blood pressure doesn’t send me into heart attack mode.

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

One of the most common questions I receive from married women is, “Can I be ‘friends’ with a married man?” Talk about a loaded question! First, it all depends on who the married man is. If he’s the extremely flirtatious type… or someone you dated or slept with in the past… or someone who tries to cry on your shoulder about how unhappy he is in his marriage… then the answer is “NO!” I don’t recommend being friends with him. The best situation is for you (and your husband) to be friends with an appropriate man AND his wife. And both spouses need to know about and feel comfortable with every nuance of the friendship. Where there are no secrets, there are no lies, and no grounds for suspicion or jealousy.

Another thing to consider is, “What’s your definition of ‘friendship’?” I have several men in my life whom I consider friends, but they’re not like my girlfriends. I don’t call them up on the phone (unless it’s family business, and then I stick to business!). I don’t go out to dinner or hang out with them (unless our spouses go with us). I don’t go out of my way to run into them. When I see them, there’s always smiles and warm greetings and questions about how our families are doing and stuff like that, but nothing deep or intimate. My husband is the only man I need to have deep, intimate conversations with.

Rabbi Shmuley recommends the following boundaries, which I agree with for the most part, but keep reading for my personal warning below:

• You can’t go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages.
• You can’t take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it’s for work. You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets.
• You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no.
• You should not be friends with ex-lovers.

I’d also add that if sex, love, and romance has been a big stumbling block for you (or for him) in the past, or if your own marriage feels a little shaky these days, you might want to forego the aforementioned lunches together as an added protective measure. Why pray, “Lord, save me from the lions!!?” while sticking your head directly into the lions mouth? Any personal time alone out of eyesight and earshot of others creates a “lion’s den” atmosphere in any relationship.

Also be aware that being in one another’s presence isn’t even a prerequisite for having an affair. Emotional affairs are easily had via cell phones and internet connections, so also pay close attention not just to what you do, but also to what you say in your telephone conversations, text messages, and emails. A good rule of thumb for all women is, “If you wouldn’t say it in front of your husband or pastor, don’t say it at all!”

What about you? If you’ve ever stumbled into an inappropriate relational entanglement through a seemingly “innocent friendship,” we want to hear from you! What were the warning signs you should have heeded? How can we guard ourselves against falling into the lion’s den of extramarital temptation?

Oh, and if personal boundaries is an issue for you, be sure to read Chapter 6, “Harnessing Your Sexual Power,” in The Sexually Confident Wife — which RELEASES TOMORROW!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

Sorry I haven’t blogged over the past week, but last Friday morning I was awakened to the shocking news of my dear friend Ruth’s sudden death, and life spun a little out of control over the days that followed. She was 47, and leaves behind her husband, Kevin, and six beautiful children ranging in ages from 11 to 21. Ruth developed a blood clot in her lungs 5 days after gall bladder surgery. Her family is here with us now, and Kevin gave his blessing for me to blog today about my “sexually confident friend.”

I met Ruth in 1993 when I was a 25 year-old youth pastor and mother of a one-year old. I was in awe of how highly her husband spoke of her, and how she took such loving care of her houseful of children, not to mention how hospitable she was to the teenagers at their church who often dropped in unannounced. She taught me how to overcome much of my pre-company perfectionism and just go with the flow. She taught me how to lift weights properly and make beautiful quilts. But probably the most valuable thing she taught me was how to be a sexually confident wife.

Hopefully, every woman has someone in her life that she can talk openly with about sexual issues. Ruth was that person for me. It’s odd to think that long before I started talking to the whole world about sex, I talked to Ruth, and now she’s gone.

When I was dressing to impress other men, Ruth spoke the truth in love. When I longed to hit the eject button on my marriage and go looking for the perfect lover, Ruth inspired me to create the perfect love — with the man I already had. She’d tell me how she and Kevin could be fussing and fighting all day, but completely put the argument aside when they went to bed. “We can fight tomorrow, but we’re having sex tonight!” was her attitude. Sex wasn’t something she withheld as punishment for bad behavior, or granted as a reward for good behavior. It was her way of connecting intimately with her husband, and she wasn’t going to let petty things cause either of them to miss out on that connection.

In fact, Ruth and Kevin were the first to invite me to speak to their church’s teenagers about abstinence until marriage in 1995. She was also one of the only friends to which I nervously entrusted my first manuscript for critique in 2000. And as they say, the rest is history. With each weekend conference I’ve led and each book released, she’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders.

In honor of my sexually confident friend, I’d like to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone in three ways:

* First, put aside whatever issue is bothering you about your husband today, and connect sexually with him tonight. It would make Ruth proud to know that her memory inspired such intimacy.

* Next, if you don’t have such a trusted confidante who can be a positive influence in your life and marriage, find one. Find a female mentor who will show you by example how to love well, as Ruth showed me.

* Finally, find a younger woman, and model for her what it looks like to be a sexually confident wife. We’re all on this journey called “life” together, and we all need someone to lead us, as well as someone else to lead.

Thank you, Ruth, for loving us all so well and teaching me how to be a Sexually Confident Wife!

Forever grateful for our sweet friendship,

Shannon

First, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who’s been posting comments in response to these blogs! It’s much more fun to hear what YOU have to say, so keep it up! We all want to hear from you!

Another big THANK YOU to AOL (America Online) for posting the “69 Questions for Self-Assessment” (from chapter 1 of The Sexually Confident Wife) on the AOL Health page on August 30th. Just in the few hours it was posted, 5.7 million people took the quiz. Hopefully that will translate into many books sold, marriages improved, and families strengthened!

Here’s a question from “K.” that was sent via email in response to the AOL article:

Question: I just took the quiz on AOL. Do you realize all the women they show are super skinny and super sexy? If this is what you represent I don’t care to read your book. One suggestion was to feel great no matter your size, and not compare yourself to other women, but then they show super-models in every picture in bed. I don’t know if that is you or AOL, but perhaps a little editing is in order. And yes, I’m fat and yes, I’m jealous. - K.

SO glad you asked, K! I was so focused on making sure I didn’t have any typographical errors in my responses to AOL’s questions that I didn’t even notice the photos that they selected! But GOOD NEWS — we were very intentional about including sketches of REAL WOMEN in the book, not human Barbie dolls! You’ll see buxom women, flat-chested women, obese women, women of all races, etc. because I absolutely agree with you — most books make you feel as if you have no right to enjoy sex unless you look like a tiny waif. Certainly depressing. But I pray you’ll find The Sexually Confident Wife incredibly encouraging, because sexual confidence really IS your birthright, no matter the numbers on your bathroom scale!

What about you? Have you ever picked up a book or magazine article only to find that it ROBBED you of sexual confidence because of the pictures they used? Does all this air-brushing take the wind right out of your sexual sails? Do we feel as if we can never live up to the impossible standards the media has created? If so, how does it make you feel, and what impact has it had on your marriage?

Also, dive into chapter 7 (”Befriending the Body Image Bear”). And I hope you’ll find the sketches in chapter 10 (”Tantalizing Sexual Techniques”) incredibly ENCOURAGING, not discouraging!

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon

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“Not tonight. I have a headache.” It’s the old stand-by excuse, and only she knows for sure whether she really has a headache or not. If we’ve been married very long, we’ve probably used that excuse before. But yesterday morning, I really DID have a headache. A bad one. I felt the left side of my brain would explode, especially when my husband crawled back in bed with me and started kissing on my left ear.

I winced and said, “Oh, please be careful. My head is killing me.” He snuggled up beside me and got still. I felt so much love and appreciation toward him for taking the kids to school and letting me have a little extra sleep, and I wanted to be intimate with him, but I figured I had to be out of commission. But then I thought, “I wonder if having an orgasm would HELP my headache rather than hurt it?” I proposed the theory. Greg was happy to be my lab partner. Fourteen minutes of pleasure and lots of deep breathing later, I was amazed at how much my headache had improved! So much so that when it came back much later that afternoon, I proposed another round of “orgasm therapy.”

I WANT TO KNOW — has this EVER happened to you??? If so, did you have similar results? If not, the next time you have a headache, try orgasm instead of aspirin. Then tell me how that worked for you!!!

P.S. Speaking of health issues, I have to say a BIG THANK YOU to America Online (AOL) for posting the Sexually Confident Wife “69 Questions for Self-Assessment” on their AOL Health page last Saturday night. We had over 5.7 million hits, which will hopefully translate into LOTS of books sold and sex lives strengthened! Woohoo!

My husband almost made me cry the other night — tears of joy, that is. After wearing the same pair of jeans far too often because none of the rest in my closet fit right or look that great, I finally broke down and went shopping for new ones. I’d honestly rather have a root canal or Chinese water torture than shop for blue jeans or bathing suits. Some of you can feel my pain, I know.

After trying on over 20 pair (no exaggeration), I finally purchased a couple, which still didn’t excite me, but these were the lesser of the evils. I go home rather bummed about my apple-shaped body, and how my muffin-top waistline got a little out of control while we were traveling the past month.

But that night, as I was making love to my husband… lights on… covers off… me on top in all of my slightly pudgy glory… my husband visually scanned me up and down, rolled his eyes back in his head, and in all sincerity declared, “Oh, THANK YOU, GOD for a GORGEOUS WIFE!”

(and now we interupt this blog for a gratuitious disclaimer benefitting the slightly faint of heart… sorry to be so blunt, but understand this wasn’t a “missionary position in the dark” type of encounter. He was REALLY looking at me, not just visualizing what I must look like under the covers. And as my friend Nicole says, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.” Hope you didn’t mind my honestly. Now back to my point…)

Yes, I wanted to cry. But I just smothered him with kisses instead.

Guys, if you are reading this, realize how much your wife NEEDS to know that you think she’s sexy — not because she’s a size 4 or looks like Angelina Jolie, but simply because she’s a Sexually Confident Wife who freely shares her body with you and no one else.

Gals, if you’re reading this, not even Angelina Jolie looks like her pictures on silver screens and magazines. Get over yourself and get naked. Even get on top so your husband can drink your beautiful body in through his eyes. Don’t waste another minute moping about what you look like — enjoy your body for the incredible pleasure it provides both you and your husband.

Wishing you the BEST sex,

Shannon